


A City of Strangers

by allthisandheaven_too



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, F/F, Hollstein - Freeform, LaFerry if you squint, NYCAU, New York City AU, Zeta Society - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-26
Updated: 2016-10-08
Packaged: 2018-04-11 07:14:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 120,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4426235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allthisandheaven_too/pseuds/allthisandheaven_too
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Laura Hollis, a wealthy, disillusioned PR manager for a huge corporation, is feeling bored and unfulfilled with her career (and lacking love life). Carmilla Karnstein, a homeless street musician, is doing her best to keep herself together while running from her past. But when their vastly different worlds collide on the streets of the city that never sleeps, they both get sucked into a battle neither of them are prepared to fight.</p><p>(tl;dr: the New York City AU no one wanted nor asked for) </p><p>*NOW COMPLETE!*</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. i'm the same, i'm the same (i'm trying to change)

**Author's Note:**

> First fanfic in quite a while, and first Carmilla fanfic ever, so please be kind.

 

Laura Hollis awoke one blustery September morning to nothing much in particular, just the sun shining through her sheer curtains and right into her eyes. She blinked, sitting up slowly and stretching with a great yawn. Saturday. No work today, blessedly.

Her phone, on her sidetable, buzzed lightly. She grabbed it and noticed a text from LaFontaine. _See you tonight!!_ and a grinning emoji.

(Was it grinning, or was it cringing? She could never quite tell, but she liked to think it was grinning.)

She smiled as she read the text, remembering. Tonight was the weekly movie night she had with her friends, and this week she was hosting. Which also reminded her, she was in charge of snacks this time around. She'd have to pick them up at the store later.

Laura finally peeled herself out of bed and got dressed, all the while forming a loose plan for the day in her head. First, Soho, just to walk around and enjoy for a while. It was her absolute favorite neighborhood. And there was a new bookstore there she'd been meaning to check out. 

Then, she'd hit Nolita for a spell, grab some lunch or something. And then she would head up to midtown, just because. She liked all the hustle and bustle. And besides, if she headed west from there, her feet would eventually take her to Columbus Circle, where she could grab groceries at the Whole Foods before heading back home for the movie night.

Her day set, Laura threw her hair up in a messy bun, buttoned her favorite tan coat around her tightly, grabbed her purse and phone, and headed out the door.

* * *

The day was brisk, but the sun was shining and the trees still retained most of their leaves. Some of them had even managed to stay completely green, though most were beautiful medleys of warmer hues, yellows, oranges, and reds. Laura walked past the rows of brownstones all so similar to her own, thinking of everything and nothing and feeling quite at peace.

Just as she was crossing the street, her phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Hey!"

Laura couldn't help but smile. "Hey, Danny!"

"You ready for tonight?" Danny crowed.

"Of course I am!" She maneuvered expertly around a woman walking far too many dogs to be considered remotely safe. "What about you? You're on wine duty, remember."

"I've got it covered."

"Yeah? What'd you get?"

"Rosé. Obviously." 

"Oh, goodie!" Laura squealed. "It's been a while since I had some good rosé."

"It's been a week."

"More like two. I love Perry, but I don't know why we ever give her wine duty. She can't choose wine to save her life."

Danny groaned. "Or movies. Jesus, I can't believe she gets to pick the film this week."

"Oh, come on. She's not that bad."

"Laura. I swear to God. If I have to sit through another one of those 'Masterpiece Classics' from PBS one more time-"

"She won't pick anything like that." Laura worried her lower lip with her front teeth. "At least, I hope she won't. She's probably gotten the message by now, especially with the way you snored straight through the last one she picked."

"Hey, you're one to talk," Danny laughed. "You were drooling on me during the one she picked before that."

"It wasn't my fault! I pretty much pulled an all-nighter at work the day before." Laura paused. "Okay, now you've really got me wondering about it."

"Have you asked LaF? They'd probably know."

"I'm not so sure. Perry knows we're supposed to keep the movies we pick a secret until Saturday."

"LaF and Perry are practically one person and you know it. There's no way they don't know what she picked."

"Whatever. I don't feel like ruining the surprise."

Laura had by now gotten rather far away from her brownstone, and was fast approaching a café she often frequented. She was making good progress. After she hung up with Danny she could grab a quick bite.

"All right, but I can't promise _I_ won't ask."

"Fine. Just don't tell me." Laura felt her stomach growl as the scent of freshly baked croissants filled her nose. "Look, I gotta go, but I'll see you at seven, okay?"

"Uh huh. See you."

Still grinning, Laura tucked her phone back in her purse and skipped up the step to the café.

* * *

The day went more or less as planned. She'd found the bookstore in Soho to be okay, but not great. It had been a lot more crowded than she'd thought it would. Like, preposterously so. She could barely see some of the shelves in some cases, and for the first time it had everything to do with the crowd and very little to do with her height. She did end up buying a book anyway, regardless. (She's yet to leave a bookstore without making a purchase.)

LaFontaine had been singing this book's praise for ages, but work had been keeping Laura so bogged down lately that she hadn't had time to follow up on it. But now she had it, and couldn't put it down.

She read it while she was eating a delicious Margherita pizza, in a seat by the window at a restaurant in Nolita. It was really only during moments like that where she truly appreciated her solitude: it was completely socially acceptable for her to read as she ate so long as there was no one with her.

She read it as she walked through midtown, all but ignoring the excitement around her she had originally intended to go there to experience, and eventually settled on a stone bench in the plaza by FAO Schwartz and read for a good hour or so.

She only closed it, marking her place with a napkin dug up from the recesses of her purse, when she entered the Columbus Circle Whole Foods to stock up for the night's festivities.

When she finally left, the book in her purse and two bags of groceries in tow, it was 5:30. Plenty of time to walk home, and worst came to worst she'd just catch a cab. That's what she usually did anyway.

Laura crossed the street and headed away from the circle and towards the entrance to Central Park right across from it. Hopefully she could take a short walk through it before it closed.

But when she got there, she found a small crowd gathered there that was blocking her way. They were evidently watching a street performer of some kind. Being a rather tiny person, and being that she lived in New York City, Laura could not see and did not care, and proceeded to shove her way through (but not without many an apology; she was Canadian-born, after all).

"Sorry...excuse me...sorry..." she mumbled, clearing a crude path with her elbows. She pressed forward, forward, forward...and at last burst through the front of the crowd, stumbling a bit. As she went to catch herself, she chanced to look up.

And found herself in front of the most beautiful girl she'd ever seen.

With the most beautiful voice she'd ever heard.

Strumming lightly on the most beat-up ukulele she'd ever seen. 

Singing.

Within seconds of just standing there listening to her, Laura was enraptured. Her feet were glued to the sidewalk, unable to move, but she didn't care. In fact, she briefly wondered how she'd even considered just pushing on by in the first place. 

The woman's voice crescendoed into the last note, powerful and intense, and when she at last cut off the crowd dissolved into a flurry of applause and shouts.

Laura just stood there, mouth agape.

The singer smiled shyly at the ground and tucked a lock of her dark wavy hair behind her ear as the cheering carried on. There was a hint of a pleased blush on her cheeks.

At last, the throng quieted. Some stepped forward and tossed some bills or coins or a combination of both into the plastic container at her feet before reluctantly walking off, called away by more pressing matters in their own lives. But for every person that left, another joined.

The woman didn't speak, didn't say a word, just nodded her thanks to those who left money, and then began to sing and strum again. A different song. Laura didn't know it, but it didn't matter. She couldn't pull herself away.

Time passed, though she couldn't say how long. The girl sang song after song in that same melodious voice, keeping Laura utterly hypnotized. The crowd continuously waxed and waned about her. Soon, she was the only one left. She didn't notice, not even when the sky had gotten considerably darker.

But the singer noticed.

And, when she began a new song for the umpteenth time, she lifted her gaze and stared directly into Laura's eyes.

Laura felt a shiver run through her. It was simply electric. And she knew the singer felt something too, or at the very least could tell that Laura did, judging by the way her lips twisted into a smirk even as she sang.

The woman held her eyes captive for the entire song. She did not break contact once. And neither did Laura. Or rather, she found she couldn't. She couldn't bear to look away from those deep, dark eyes.

At last, the song ended. Laura immediately burst into enthusiastic applause, a huge grin on her face. "That was amazing!"

The woman just smiled coyly, no longer looking too shy.

Laura was about to say more, but just then her cell phone buzzed.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Laura."

Laura started. "Oh. Hi, Danny."

"Hi. So, you wouldn't happen to be home at the moment, would you?"

"No...why?"

"I figured as much. Well, where are you?"

"What do you mean?" 

"We've been waiting outside of your building for, like, half an hour."

"But it's not seven yet."

"It's 7:30, Hollis."

Laura's eyes widened. "It's what?"

"You heard me."

"Oh. Oh my god, wow. Uh, well, um, okay. Ooookay." She was making fluttering motions with her hands, in an attempt to calm herself down. "Okay. Okay, I'm going. I'm on my way now. Sorry! So sorry!"

Danny chuckled. "It's fine. Just get here soon, alright? It's getting chilly."

"Yes. Sorry. I will. Bye."

Laura shoved the phone back into her purse and then glanced up. The singer was looking at her expectantly. 

"Boyfriend?" she asked in a smooth, smoky drawl. 

It was the first thing Laura had heard her say rather than sing, and it was delicious in her voice. Laura relished the sound of it for a moment before she remembered she had somewhere to be, now.

"Oh! No. No, girlfriend. I mean, ex. Ex girlfriend. So very, very ex."

She looked slightly amused. "Is that so?"

Laura carried on, fumbling with her purse. "Yes. I, ah- you have a very beautiful voice!"

"Why, thank you, cutie," she purred, smirking.

Laura tried to ignore the heat in her abdomen. "You're welcome," she squeaked. 

She rifled through her wallet quickly, hoping to find a ten or a five. But much to her dismay, she could only find hundreds. Damn the broken ATM on the corner that insisted on only dispensing ridiculously large bills. It had never been a problem for her before now.

"You have somewhere to be?" the woman asked.

"You could say that, yeah." Laura knew she couldn't just walk away, after a few hours standing here listening to this girl sing, without giving her anything. But a hundred?

"You know, every second you spend here tripping over yourself is another second later you become for whatever function you're supposed to be attending."

Laura sighed. Fuck it. There were worse things to spend her money on.

"I know. Which is why I'm leaving."

She skipped forward a few steps, closing the distance between them.

"Sure doesn't look like it, sweetheart."

Laura knelt down and tucked the bill into the plastic container, then stood up straight. "I will be-"

Her voice cut off as she found herself face to face with the singer, only mere inches between them, closer than she'd ever been or ever thought she'd be to such a gorgeous woman. 

She swallowed hard and shifted her stance.

Luckily, the woman didn't notice, as her eyes weren't on Laura. Instead she was staring down at the one hundred dollar bill Laura had just given her. 

"Holy shit," she murmured in a low voice, still not looking up. "You sure you meant to do that, cupcake?"

Laura took the opportunity to back away, and fast. "Yes. You deserved it. This was... Amazing. I loved it. I really did. You've got talent. You- I- it was wonderful. I- I was-"

Her gaze snapped back up to Laura, and she smiled. Truly smiled. Not a hint of a smirk or suggestive expression present.

"Don't hurt yourself, buttercup." But the words had lost their bite. It had gone along with the smirk.

"Yes. All right. Well. I should probably be. Um."

Laura was still backing away, but slowly, reluctant to leave.

"Go. It's alright," the woman said, as if Laura had asked for permission.

She nodded. Gulped. "Okay. Yes. Going now."

She was barely inching backwards. She was hyper-aware of how ridiculous she looked and of how late she was, but she didn't want to leave this woman.

The singer had hidden her mouth behind her hand, and was evidently trying very hard to keep from laughing. "Are you?"

When she dropped her hand to speak, the smirk was back. Laura couldn't take it any longer.

"YesIamgoodbye!" And she spun around and walked quickly away down the street, away from the singer. Her mind buzzed with frazzled activity, unable to comprehend most of what had just transpired.

She caught a cab to take her home. There was no way she could have bore walking all that way in this state, and she was already so horribly late.

As the cab drove around Columbus Circle again, Laura spied the singer from her window. She was sitting on the low ledge of the wall surrounding the park, holding the hundred stretched out between her hands and staring at it like it was the most important thing in the world.

Laura ripped her gaze from the window.

* * *

By the time the cab dropped her off and she stumbled towards the steps of her brownstone, it was 7:56. Laura felt like she could have died of embarrassment. She always hated it when people were late, and now here she was, an hour tardy. All because her little lady couldn't control herself. God, sometimes she really hated being a lesbian.

Then again, if she hadn't been already, that girl certainly would have turned her into one.

"Ah, there she is," Danny shouted, waving from her seat on the steps. 

"Woman of the hour," added LaFontaine. "Or should I say, hour late."

"I am so sorry, you guys." Laura fumbled with her keys and at last unlocked the door. "God, you must've been freezing out here for so long."

"Eh, it wasn't so bad. We made like penguins and huddled for warmth," LaFontaine said, looking pointedly at Perry as they said this.

"It's quite effective," Perry said cheerfully.

The four filed quickly into the brownstone, and Laura shut the door hard behind them before making her way into the kitchen to prepare the snacks. "Perr, LaF, why don't you guys get the movie set up?"

"Yeah, and I'll help Laura with the food," Danny added. 

As soon as LaFontaine and Perry had gone, Danny sat on the kitchen island and grinned at Laura, who was opening a box of popcorn. "So, where were you?"

"Oh, yeah. Long lines at the Whole Foods, delays on the subway, you know how it is."

"Okay. Let me rephrase that: why were you late?"

"I literally just told you." Laura ripped a bag of popcorn free from its plastic packaging and placed it in the microwave.

Danny rolled her eyes. "Oh, come on. You know exactly what I'm talking about, Laura."

The first kernel popped, making Laura jump. "I really don't."

Danny just raised an eyebrow, crossed her arms, and stared her down.

It only took about twenty seconds for Laura to crack. "Okay, okay! God, you can be so annoying sometimes!"

Danny laughed triumphantly. "Now, spill. Who is she?"

"I hate you."

"Is she hot?"

"I hate you."

"That's a yes, isn't it?"

"...How do you always know everything?"

"Laura, you were blushing redder than a bottle of ketchup when you showed up. It wasn't too hard to figure out. So," she continued, "feel like enlightening me?"

Laura sighed and started to open a bottle of rosé.

"She might be the singularly most attractive woman I've ever seen in my entire life, and I honestly don't know if that's a hyperbole."

Danny raised her eyebrows. "Really."

"Yes, and her voice! God, her voice!"

"Like, her singing voice?"

"Yeah, she's a street musician or something."

"Well, is she any good?"

"Oh, Danny, you should have heard her. She was incredible," Laura gushed, nearly missing the glass she was pouring wine into for lack of concentration.

Danny's smile faded just a tad as she moved the glass in accordance to Laura's unsteady hand. "Cool. Did you get her number?"

Laura's eyes suddenly met Danny's in a panic. "Oh my god, I am such an idiot."

Danny sighed. "I'll take that as a no."

Laura shut her eyes and groaned. "I can't believe this is happening to me. I can't believe I didn't even get her number! And now I'll probably never see her again. Oh my god. This is possibly one of the worst things that's ever happened to me." She cracked an eye open and glanced at Danny. "Why are you smiling?"

"What? I am? No I'm not." She quickly neutralized her expression.

Laura was too distraught to notice or care that much. She lifted the glass she'd just poured to her lips and downed it all in one go.

"Hey, easy there, lightweight," Danny chuckled, hopping down from the counter and retrieving the popcorn from the microwave. "Wouldn't want a repeat of the Mamma Mia incident."

"I keep telling you, I wasn't that drunk."

"Laura. My neighbors came to my door to complain because you were screaming the lyrics to every single song ridiculously loud. At one in the morning. After two glasses."

Laura shrugged. "Abba songs deserve to be screamed."

Danny poured the popcorn into a bowl and grabbed a glass of wine for herself. "Not at one in the morning."

"Abba is not subject to the constraints of time. Abba transcends the entire dimension of time."

They both laughed, though Laura did so halfheartedly. It did not go unnoticed by Danny, who sighed once more. 

"Look, Laura," she said, "it sucks that you didn't get her number or anything, but all this means is that it obviously wasn't meant to happen. And what's meant to happen, will happen, and there will be many more things and people that are meant for you that aren't her. So just...try to forget about it, and have some fun with us tonight."

There was a pause, and then Laura said softly, "Okay."

Danny smiled. "Great!" She started for the living room, then turned around. "Bring the chips, will you?"

Laura grinned back. "Coming right up!"

Nestled between her three best friends on the couch, a glass of rosé in her hand and the Muppet Movie playing on the screen in front of her (much to Danny's chagrin but to everyone else's thorough enjoyment), Laura managed to push the singer who had slipped through her fingers completely and totally out of her mind and just lose herself in the complete and pure happiness she felt in that moment.

* * *

Carmilla Karnstein wasn't expecting much from the night.

She'd learned to not expect much from anything or anyone. It was easier that way. Harder to be disappointed.

So, she was certainly not expecting a very adorable, very attractive girl who definitely showed interest in her to show up at her set and stay the whole entire time, much less give her a one hundred dollar bill.

It took her a while to get over her initial shock, but once she did, she quickly grabbed her repurposed yogurt tub filled with the day's earnings, which served as her bank, and her ukulele, and shoved them into her worn-out backpack. She slung it over her shoulder and ran, as fast as she could, towards her apartment.

This was what she'd been waiting for.

As she got closer, the buildings got less and less polished and more and more decrepit. She passed more litter and was catcalled by more drunks than on the Upper West Side. Finally, she screeched to a stop in front of her building, a crumbling brick building in northern Harlem so old it didn't have an electronic resident buzzer like most other apartment buildings (shit, most other buildings, period) in the city did. She fumbled for her key and shoved it into the lock, and once inside scrambled up the stairs to the second floor, where her apartment was, along with the landlord's.

But when she got to her door, she found a bright orange piece of paper taped to the door. The words "EVICTION NOTICE" were printed on it in large black letters.

Carmilla groaned and yanked it off. She ran down the hall and pounded on the landlord's door. "JP! Open up!"

The door opened, and a dark-skinned young man stood there. Looking at him always made Carmilla a little sad. He was too good to be living in, much less overseeing, a hellhole like this one.

But right now, seeing him just made her enraged.

"What the frilly hell is _this?_ " she hissed, shoving the paper in his face.

He sighed. "I see you got your notice."

"I see you are a tremendous asshole."

"Carmilla, you had to know this was coming," JP said. "You haven't paid your rent on time for months. Hell, you still haven't even paid me last month's yet. I've given you every single extension you ask for and you still can't follow through. I'm sorry, but if you can't pay you can't stay."

"But I can pay," Carmilla protested. "I was just about to come here to give it all to you." She opened her backpack and grabbed the yogurt tub and held it out to him.

He looked at her sadly. "Carmilla-"

"Look. Look, I'll show you. How much was it?" She brought the container back to her chest and pulled out the cute girl's hundred. "Look. One hundred right here already." She didn't let JP speak, too afraid of what he'd say. "Twenty, forty, sixty, eighty, another hundred," she said triumphantly, fumbling with her twenties. "And- and- well, look, if I try to count all this out we'll be here all night, but I promise you it's here. All of it."

"Really."

"Really!"

"You have four thousand dollars in that thing."

Carmilla's heart sank. "Four thousand?" she said. "Why?"

"Two thousand for last month, two thousand for this month."

"I- Okay. There's at least two thousand here and in my apartment, probably, and that can cover last month, and-" she began to speak very quickly now, "-and I can get the rest of it to you by the end of the week."

"Damn it, Carmilla, this is exactly what I'm talking about! I can't keep doing this for you. It's breaking every single rule of this building's rent policy."

"Please, JP. You have no idea how hard it is," Carmilla begged. "And you know that apartment isn't even worth five hundred dollars a month."

He looked away. "Carmilla, I don't want to hear any of it. You can keep your money. Just go."

She paused, and after a moment, she whispered, "But I have nowhere to go."

He looked at her, and she could see what he was doing pained him. But that didn't make it any less awful. "You should be gone by morning," he said. "Leave the keys." 

He shut the door on her.

Carmilla's eyes widened, and she began pounding on the door. "No, no, no. JP! You ass! No! Just a few more days. Please!"

Her voice trailed off. "Please..."

He didn't respond.

She marched angrily back down the hall to her apartment and unlocked the door, slipping inside. She slammed it behind her, and once it was locked up again, she slumped to the ground with her back against it.

The notice was still in her hand. The writing on it was blurred by the tears welling up in her eyes.

She crumpled it in her fist and slammed her fist down hard against the floor. "Shit!" she screamed in frustration.

The sound of a siren echoed faintly from somewhere outside. She tilted her head up and leaned it against the door. Peeling bits of dull green paint from the door stuck in her hair. Tears rolled slowly down her cheeks, one after the other. A single thought burned in her mind.

_What am I going to do?_

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story idea has been in my head for the longest time, so I'm really excited to finally be writing it! :D The story arc is already completely planned out, so it one hundred percent will not be abandoned. That being said, I'm an incredibly busy person, so updates will likely be pretty spread out and won't adhere to a schedule of any kind.
> 
> Also, regarding the title, I have not in fact seen Company, but my friend recommended the song to me because I love songs about New York. This one was no exception. :)
> 
> This chapter's title came from "Third Eye" by Florence + The Machine.
> 
> (Also, this is probably the longest note you'll ever see on this story.)


	2. did i build this ship to wreck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Featuring terrifying bosses, egregious misunderstandings, and a cop who's just trying his best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Figured after today's episode we could all use...more angst! ;) (but seriously, who didn't think  
> Vordie was shady?)

Laura's alarm woke her with a loud blast of Taylor Swift at six in the morning on Monday. She groaned and rolled over, shoving her face into the pillow, and groped blindly on her nightstand for her phone to turn it off. Just as her fingers touched the cool glass of the screen, she felt it slip away from her and knew it had fallen off. She sat up, bleary-eyed, and swung her legs off the edge of the bed. There it was, nestled cozily into the carpet, no worse for wear.

She picked it up and shut it off, and went to take a shower.

As the steaming water coasted down her back and trickled over her face, she found herself thinking of the woman at the Central Park entrance again. Her hair, her lips, and most of all her voice. 

She imagined that voice whispering in her ear, moaning in pleasure, and screaming her name. 

She shuddered. Danny was right. She had to stop thinking about her.

 

* * *

 

After a shower that had taken longer than she'd originally planned, Laura stumbled out of the brownstone fully clothed and completely flushed. She had entirely lost her appetite, and so left for work without having breakfast. She caught a cab, not entirely trusting her legs to be able to pedal a CitiBike this morning.

After a fairly long ride, the cab came to a stop in front of a large glass building, right in the heart of the financial district. Laura paid the cabbie and exited the car. She looked in her compact mirror quickly, checking to see if she looked normal. Satisfied that her blush had calmed enough, she straightened and walked confidently through the front doors and under the large letters over them that read "Silas Industries".

She swiped her card right at the entrance, passed through turnstiles, and then mounted the escalator that took her to the main floor. It resembled an airport in its layout, with a large wall that was entirely windows directly across from the escalators, illuminating a small floor flooded with people and an elevator bank on either side. The main floor was essentially the common area; there were no actual offices, but it was where you could go if you wanted your caffeine fix, had to look for or meet up with someone not on your floor, or even just wanted to take a break from working. As a result, it was always incredibly crowded, and today was no exception. People were rushing around like ants, all of them headed in different directions. Laura noticed LaFontaine over by the refreshment table in the corner, by the large wall of windows, and approached them.

"Hi," she said, coming up next to them.

"Hey, Laura," they returned, smiling as they dumped another creamer into their coffee. "What's up?" 

"Not much," Laura sighed.

LaFontaine's voice grew low and sympathetic. "Danny told me about that singer lady. Sorry, that really sucks."

Laura felt her cheeks grow hot. "Oh. Yeah." She took a tea bag from one of the boxes. "I just feel so stupid. I forgot to do the one thing you're supposed to do when you meet someone attractive."

"You're just really out of practice," LaFontaine said. They shook a bag of brown sugar into their cup. "You haven't gotten la-"

Laura glared at them, a deep red blush painted across her cheeks.

LaFontaine widened their eyes at their coffee. "Fine, _dated_ , since Danny, right? And that was months ago."

"I have too!"

"Smiling at girls doesn't count."

"Okay, well..." Laura thought for a moment, then remembered. "Oh! The girl-"

"Neither does making small talk in line at Baked by Melissa's." LaFontaine sighed. "God, just thinking about it activates some kind of Pavlovian response. Who knew mini cupcakes could be so satisfying?"

"Seriously? It was small talk for half an hour," Laura protested. "It has to count as a date."

"Dating implies more than one date, among other things."

Laura blushed again.

"And did you ever see her again after that?" LaFontaine countered.

Laura frowned, but she knew she'd been beaten. "I told you, we didn't really connect."

LaFontaine raised an eyebrow and smiled, an expression that clearly said "I told you so". "Look, you probably just weren't ready to get back in the game with this girl. Are you sure you're over Danny?"

"Of course I am," Laura said, and realized that, for the first time since the breakup, she meant it.

"Uh huh. Sure you are."

"I _am_." Laura was about to ask if they knew how Danny felt, but then sighed and stopped. Of course she was over Laura. She was the one who broke up with her.

LaFontaine interpreted the sigh as uncertainty, and was about to keep teasing her about it, but the screen on their company phone started flashing. "Ugh. They need me in the labs. I gotta go, L. But you still wanna get lunch later, right?"

"Yeah. I'll text you when I'm ready."

LaFontaine nodded and patted her shoulder before walking off for the elevators.

Now alone, Laura knew there was nothing keeping her from actually starting work now. So, reluctantly, she also left for the elevators, her travel cup of tea clutched tightly in her hand.

* * *

Laura worked on the PR floor. Her job title was startlingly unspecific: "Publicity Manager". There were about twenty others on the floor, and all of them had ridiculously high paychecks and were treated very well. It was mostly run-of-the-mill PR work, but her role in particular was directly controlling the publicity about the company. She wrote articles that made Silas Industries look good, and those were published on their website and sometimes even given to other news sources for them to post instead, under the names of their own reporters. The legality of that was a little grey, but Laura was almost positive that most big companies did things like that all the time. It was just the nature of corporations. She'd once had a big issue with it, but as the years went by she began to care less and less.

Laura pushed open the door to her corner office with a groan and collapsed down in her chair. She pretty much hated her job and everything about it, except for writing articles. She thought of it as good practice for when she became a journalist.

If that ever happened.

She could feel her soul sinking every time she thought those four words to herself.

A blonde head popped into her office. "Laura?"

Laura jolted up in her seat and out of her melancholy reverie. "Hey, Betty. What's up?"

"Just wanted to know how that article about Miss Morgan's charity gala is coming. We need to send it out today."

"Yeah, I know. It's here..." Laura trailed off as she squinted at her computer screen. "Here it is. I'll email it to you?"

"That'd be great. Thanks." Betty turned to leave, then leaned back into the room. "Oh, and I almost forgot. Miss Morgan requested a meeting with you at eleven today."

Laura's eyes widened. "Me?" she squeaked, pointing a finger at herself.

Betty nodded.

Laura looked like she was going to pass out. "Oh my god."

Betty laughed. "Don't worry. I doubt it's going to be anything bad. You're one of the hardest workers on this floor."

Laura looked guiltily at her computer, where her Facebook was open behind the document she was about to send, and wondered that if she was the hardest worker, how bad must the work ethic have been across the rest of the floor?

LaFontaine had told her that sometimes in the labs, they made bouncy balls from a bunch of chemicals with complicated names Laura couldn't remember and threw them at each other when bored. Maybe it was a building-wide thing.

"Keep up the good work, Laura," Betty said, grinning, and left her office.

As soon as she was gone, Laura locked her office door, closed the blinds to hide herself from the rest of the floor, and opened up a new window. Into the search bar, she typed "brunette singer Central Park entrance".

The results popped up. 

Laura took a sip from her tea and settled in for a morning of research.

* * *

At ten-fifty, Betty came back and knocked on Laura's office door, sending her flailing about with surprise and a little panic. She quickly closed every tab she had open in her search for the girl (which so far had been fruitless), and made sure something work-related was open before smoothing her skirt and unlocking the door.

Betty grinned at her. "You ready?"

Laura swallowed. "Define ready."

They walked out of the office part of the floor and towards the elevator bank. Betty swiped her key card at one of the elevators, and one was instantly there for them. They entered, and when the doors closed she swiped her card again. The elevator immediately shot upwards, zooming past all the floor without stopping once. Laura clutched her stomach, feeling everything inside her drop sharply downwards, and grabbed the railing inside so tightly her knuckles turned white. Betty stood steady and primly by the button panel.

Finally, the elevator slowed, then came to a complete stop. When the doors opened, Betty strode through them confidently, while Laura, still dizzy from the ride, stumbled out and grabbed on to the nearest sturdy object (the armrest of a chair) to steady herself.

Betty turned around to see Laura draped over the chair, panting, and chuckled. "It takes some getting used to."

Laura looked up. "You get used to that?"

Betty just shook her head, still laughing to herself. "I'm going to tell her you're here. Just...um... wait there for a few minutes."

Laura gave her a thumbs up, not looking up from the chair.

After a few moments, Laura had managed to collect herself, and Betty returned. "She's ready for you," she said.

Laura swallowed and stood up, trying to look as confident as possible. But inside, she was panicking. She had only ever seen the CEO of Silas in pictures, and she was incredibly intimidating in them. Laura could only imagine what she would look like in person. 

Probably terrifying.

She walked into the office, knowing her legs were shaking, and stopped cold.

The office was black.

The floor was black carpet. The filing cabinet was black. The curtains were black. A black orchid sat in a black vase on the black desk.

And there, sitting at her desk in a large (and yes, black) leather chair, arms folded, was Lilita Morgan. 

CEO. Philanthropist. Mogul. Blood-red lipstick and coal-black hair. Nails sharper than knives. A smile that could make a shark cry.

It was all too much for Laura, who felt like bursting into tears herself under her intense gaze.

"Laura Hollis," Lilita said slowly. Her voice was like oozing tar.

"That's me," Laura said, hating how small her voice was.

"Have a seat." She gestured with a perfectly manicured hand to the chair in front of her desk.

"Okay," Laura said meekly, hurrying to the chair and quickly sitting down.

Wanting to look anywhere but at Lilita, Laura glanced at the objects on her desk. They were mostly pictures in ebony frames. She noticed two children that kept showing up. A little girl with curly black hair and a little boy, though he was mostly a baby in the pictures. There was also a stern-looking man in some of them.

Lilita appeared to have caught her staring. "My late husband, Matthew Karnstein," she murmured.

"Oh." Laura swallowed hard. "I'm sorry."

Lilita gave her a curt nod and said nothing else, facilitating another awkward silence.

"Are these your kids?" Laura asked, trying to make small talk.

"Yes," Lilita said, looking at the pictures wistfully, like she was remembering better times.

"They're beautiful." Laura meant it. The daughter was almost angelic.

"Thank you."

"How old are they?"

"Oh, these pictures are very outdated. The boy's twenty-one. And my daughter..." She paused, and there was a faraway look in her eyes. "She would have been twenty-seven."

Laura looked at a photo of the little girl awkwardly. She was running away from the camera, but her face was turned back towards it and Laura could see her laughing. There was a flower crown on her head, and the sun shone on her black curls and turned them brown. "Again, I'm so sorry."

"That's quite all right. It was a long time ago." She shook her head quickly and smiled at Laura. It didn't make Laura feel any less like prey. "Anyway. Let's talk business, shall we?"

Laura could only nod.

"Miss Hollis, I've brought you here today because I wanted to share some exciting news with you." The smile widened into an equally unsettling grin. "You are aware we will soon be launching a new drug."

Laura nodded again.

"Well, with this launch coming up, we need you more than ever. And due to your outstanding work and all you've done for this company, you are in a very good position to receive a promotion."

Laura stared at her. "Really?"

"Senior Publicity Manager. From this position, you'll be overseeing all the other PMs, and you will also be able to work more personally with anything involving the drug and launch."

Laura was speechless. "I- I really don't know what to say- this is amazing. Thank you so much!"

"Well, don't thank me yet," Lilita said. "This is one of those things that can only be done at a certain time. You can't get the job unless the current Senior Publicity Manager doesn't renew their contract, and while they're not planning on doing so, it doesn't expire until November, so you technically can't have the position yet."

"Wait. Contract?"

"Similar to the one you signed when you first started working here. It legally binds you to the company for a certain amount of time if you take the position. You will have to sign it as well."

Laura felt her soul sinking lower. "And how long is this contract for?"

"Ten years."

It felt like a punch to the gut. "Ten years?"

Lilita nodded. "So, do you accept?"

Laura couldn't think straight. A thousand thoughts swirled around in her head. "Um. Can I have some time to think about it?"

Lilita nodded. "Of course. Take as long as you need. No one else is being considered for the position. We need to know by November, obviously, but I doubt it'll take you that long to come to a decision."

Laura looked at the picture of Lilita's daughter one last time. "Of course."

Lilita stared at her. "You may go."

Laura sprang straight up from her chair. "Yes. Okay. I'm sorry. Thank you, Miss Morgan. Thank you so much."

She walked calmly to the door, but once she was outside of the office, she bolted straight for the elevator and slammed her hand on the "Close Door" button.

The doors slid shut, enclosing her alone with her thoughts inside the metal capsule. She hit the button for her floor. The elevator lurched, then began its descent, much slower without the clearance from Betty's key card.

Laura pressed her back flat against the cool metal and let out a long breath.

Ten years.

Now what?

* * *

"So, wait a second. Let me get this straight," LaFontaine said around a bite of their steak. "You got offered possibly one of the highest-paid and most revered positions on your floor, and you don't know if you're going to take it?"

Laura picked at her salad. "I know. I know. I'd be an idiot not to take it. It's just..." She sighed and speared a cherry tomato with the tines of her fork. "The contract is ten years."

LaFontaine whistled. "Wow."

"I just don't know if I want to make that kind of commitment." Laura took a sip of her grape soda before continuing. "Sure, the job would be great, but do I really want to be doing it for the next ten years of my life?"

"Well, if you don't want to be doing this, then what do you want to be doing?"

Laura sighed. "Journalism."

"Oh, I knew that." LaFontaine smacked their forehead. "That's what you majored in, right?"

"Yeah." Laura glowered down at her plate, stabbing a cucumber viciously.

LaFontaine raised an eyebrow. "Hey, the salad didn't do anything to you."

Laura looked up and sighed again, though it sounded more like an exasperated groan. "It's not the salad I'm angry at."

"Sure seems like the salad."

"No, LaF, it's past me who I wish I could _throttle_." Laura hissed the last word and stabbed another victim, this one being a piece of chicken.

"Okaaaay," LaFontaine said, eyeing her with a kind of fright. "Why is that?"

"Because I decided to put off chasing my dream since I was a kid to take a shitty job I didn't even want, just for the money."

LaFontaine laughed. "Oh, is that all?"

Laura glared. "I'm serious."

"So am I. People do what you just described all the time. You know what it's called?" They leaned in conspiratorially and stage-whispered, " _Living_."

Laura rolled her eyes and grumbled, "Then why do people even bother?"

"Who knows, Hollis?" LaFontaine said, before tossing back another gulp of water. "But we keep on doing it."

Laura looked out at the street through the restaurant's window. People walked past her, all in a rush, all looking defeated by the lives they'd chosen or hadn't chosen.

She found herself thinking of the singer again. Had she wanted what she ended up with? Or was she just like the rest of them?

No.

Somehow, Laura was sure she wasn't. Laura knew the girl had taken control of her life, had directed it where she had wanted it to go. 

And if she could, Laura was sure she could do the same.

Laura looked back at LaFontaine. "Screw it." She grinned widely, showing all her teeth. "I know what I'm going to do."

"Laura, that smile's kinda freaking me out."

"I'm not taking the job."

LaFontaine stared.

"Well? Say something."

Finally, they grinned back. "Stick it to the man, Hollis."

Laura laughed and looked back at the street. She thought about the girl, wherever she was, and wished she could know just how much she'd changed Laura's life.

Little did Laura know, she was about to change it a lot more.

* * *

Carmilla was awoken by a loud banging on her door. 

She jumped, startled. She appeared to have fallen asleep where she'd sunk to the ground the night before, her back leaning against the door.

"Shit," she mumbled groggily, her eyes blinking away sleep.

"Carmilla? You'd better not be in there." JP.

Carmilla half-considered yelling back "I'm not," but she was in enough trouble already.

She stood up and grabbed a plastic shopping bag from her closet and began shoving clothes into it. She barely glanced at what she was grabbing. She didn't have much, so it was easy for her to get it all.

Next, she ran to her bathroom and took her toothbrush, a bottle of shampoo and her skinny bar of soap and put them in as well.

"Carmilla, I'm warning you."

The bag was now pretty full, and she knew she couldn't take anything else. Nor did she have time to. But that was all right. She didn't really have anything else.

She scooped up her backpack, still containing her ukulele and cash, and headed for the window.

"I'm coming in."

Carmilla turned around and gazed, a bit sadly, at the apartment that had housed her for so long. It may have been a shithole, but it had been her shithole.

Finally, as she noticed the doorknob starting to turn, she opened the window and crawled out, agile as a cat, onto the fire escape.

When JP opened the door, the apartment was empty. The window across from him was open. A light breeze stirred its ratty curtains.

He sighed and shook his head, but there was a small smile on his lips.

* * *

Carmilla climbed down, down, down the fire escape, as fast as she could go. Once she reached the last ladder, she dropped to the ground and looked up at the building.

_So long, asshat,_ she thought to herself, and she even smiled a little.

But that smile didn't last long, as the realization that she was now homeless was starting to sink in.

She was about to go to the pay phone, thinking she could call someone, when she remembered that she had no one to turn to anymore.

She could feel the tears coming, but swallowed them down. No. She couldn't melt down twice in less than twenty-four hours.

"Pull yourself together," Carmilla whispered under her breath. "You're better than this."

After composing herself, she started walking towards the nearest subway station, to catch a train that would take her to the upper West Side. The quicker she got money, the quicker she could get off the streets.

As she walked, Carmilla found herself thinking about that adorable girl she'd met a few days ago. The one who had gotten flustered at every single thing Carmilla had said to her. 

She was especially cute when she was flustered.

Carmilla shook her head quickly. _Stop thinking about her,_ she thought. _You're never going to see her again._

But even the faint hope of a _maybe I will_ was enough to make Carmilla walk just a little faster.

* * *

The clerk stared at the ten-dollar bill on the desk, and then stared at Carmilla, all with an ever-present expression of confusion. "What?"

"I said I'd like a membership," Carmilla repeated, a little impatiently. "It's ten dollars a month, right?"

Carmilla was standing in the lobby of a Planet Fitness. She may have been homeless, but she wasn't an idiot. Membership here was pretty cheap, and having it meant she could still shower regularly and, if need be, have a place to spend the night (but as a last resort).

"You want to pay in cash?" the woman asked.

Carmilla rolled her eyes. "No, I want to pay with faith and goodwill."

"Well, I'm sorry, miss, but we don't accept cash here. You need to have some kind of billing information to give me."  

"Seriously?" Carmilla sighed in exasperation. "What's the big deal? Money is money."

"It's company policy."

"It's bull."

"So, does that mean you don't have a credit card?"

"I prefer not to use them."

The woman gave her an incredulous look. "Who doesn't use credit cards these days?"

"More people than you would think, evidently," Carmilla snapped.

A tall brunette emerged from a door behind the desk. Her name tag read "Manager" and below it, "Sarah Jane".

"What seems to be the problem here?" she asked.

"Apparently it's against the law not to use credit cards," Carmilla said.

Sarah Jane turned to the woman, arms crossed. "Natalie, just sign her up. I don't have time for this."

Natalie squirmed under Sarah Jane's gaze. "I thought we weren't allowed to accept cash," she said quietly.

"That's a corporate rule. Not my rule. If she can afford it, she should be able to get a membership. Now give her the damn card." Sarah Jane turned around and walked back into her office, muttering under her breath _"I don't get paid enough for this."_

Begrudgingly, Natalie pulled out a plastic card from a stack tied with rubber bands. She handed it to Carmilla and took the ten dollar bill from the counter.

Carmilla plucked it from her fingers and gave her a sarcastic grin, and sauntered right past the desk and into the gym.

Once she was out of sight of the front desk, she made a beeline for the showers. Finally. It had been a few days since she'd last washed.

She set her bag down by the stall she was entering, stripped down, and stepped in, twisting the knob on. The water sputtered, then poured down. She poured a few drops of shampoo into her hand, an amount no larger than a pea, and worked it into her scalp, trying to get it lathered enough to wash all her hair. She squeezed some lather out of her hair and used it to wash her body, then did a cursory once-over with her sliver of soap.

Carmilla stepped back under the shower head and let the lukewarm water drench her. Soap and lather ran down her bare body in milky trails. She closed her eyes and tilted her face up to the water. It streamed over her eyelids and cheeks. Droplets caught on her eyelashes and clung to them. Like dew on the grass in Central Park in the early morning.

The face of the cute girl filled her mind. Her lips pursed as she remembered what she looked like, how she walked.

Heat swelled in her abdomen.

Was it bad form to get off in a public bathroom?

* * *

 

Laura walked home from work along the same route every single day at five o'clock, weather permitting. Though it was a very long walk, it was one she rather enjoyed. It went through and out of the financial district, up through both Tribeca and Soho, and back to her brownstone in Greenwich Village. 

Today, however, she decided to change it up a little.

Instead of stopping when she reached Greenwich Village, she continued north towards Columbus Circle and the entrance to Central Park.

She knew it would add another two hours, at least, to her walk. But she figured she needed the exercise, and if she was too tired she could always take a cab. That's what she usually did anyway.

Halfway there, her feet, squeezed into their pointy-toed high heels, were screaming in pain, and Laura asked herself many times why she was even bothering. But in response, her brain simply conjured up an image of a girl with raven waves and deep brown eyes and a seductive smirk, and the pain seemed to just melt away.

When she finally got there, blisters blooming on her feet, she immediately looked around for the girl.

And there she was, at the same spot Laura had seen her at last.

She had amassed another large crowd, and was playing a very sad-sounding, crooning song. Laura nudged her way into the crowd just a bit, but not enough this time for the singer to see her.

Instead of making her presence known at any time, Laura just stood there and listened. Sometimes, when the people hiding her shifted, she could catch a glimpse of the girl. Every time she did, her breath caught in her throat. She looked just as beautiful as the first day Laura had seen her. But there was a new sadness in her dark eyes that hadn't been there two days prior.

Laura noticed, as she watched the singer in fragmented increments, that those sad eyes seemed to be searching the crowd as if she were looking for someone. Laura wondered for a brief moment if that someone might be her.

She quickly dismissed the idea. The singer was too gorgeous to not have a girlfriend. 

Or perhaps she wasn't even gay. 

That thought made Laura curious enough for her to consider leaping forward and kissing the singer on the mouth, just to see what she'd do. God, she hoped the girl was gay or bi. She couldn't afford to have a crush on a straight girl. Not now. Not with her life already pretty much going down the drain.

Then again, it was a ship (or rather, shipwreck) of her own making.

After about an hour of listening to the girl sing and look for someone that likely wasn't her, Laura slipped away and caught a cab back home and wondered why she felt so awful.

* * *

Carmilla noticed the very girl she'd been waiting for for days get into a cab on the curb as she was beginning the last chorus, unsure of where she'd come from or where she was going or if she'd come especially to see Carmilla or if she hadn't even stopped for a second to listen to Carmilla at all. She watched the cab drive off until she couldn't see it anymore. And once it was gone, her shoulders slumped ever so slightly, and the anxious light in her eyes went out, and she played with a little less feeling. 

But no one else could tell.

* * *

Laura trudged into her brownstone, with heavy feet and an even heavier heart. After kicking off her heels and hanging up her coat, she made a beeline for the kitchen.

Laura dropped her purse unceremoniously on the kitchen island and pulled open the fridge door. After a cursory search of its contents, she removed a half-empty bottle of rosé leftover from the movie night.

Laura took both the bottle and the wineglass to the living room, where she drowned her sorrows in wine and a marathon of Doctor Who on one of the many Disney Channel permutations.

When everything began to blur together, to a point where she could no longer tell dalek from cyberman, she knew she'd had enough.

She set the empty bottle down hard on the coffee table and stumbled up the stairs to her bedroom. She collapsed on the duvet and somehow managed to squirm her way out of her highly uncomfortable stockings, pencil skirt, blouse, and blazer. Presently, she lay in her bed in nothing but her underwear, drunk and staring up at the ceiling. Alcohol-induced patterns danced across the plaster. 

_How is it,_ she thought, _that my life's gone so downhill that I get drunk to a children's television show because I can't even ask a girl out?_

She glanced at her bedside clock. The bright neon green digits stung her eyes and made her head spin. One AM. She sighed and shifted so she was curled up on her side in a fetal position, and closed her eyes.

Perhaps tomorrow would be better.

It couldn't be much worse than this.

* * *

After Carmilla finished her set at ten, and the crowd had fully dispersed, her stomach growled ferociously as if to remind her that she hadn't eaten a thing for a little over a day. She bit her lip as she looked down at the day's earnings, which weren't as good as they usually were. Food was expensive (This was Manhattan, after all!) and she needed to save every penny she could so she'd be able to rent another apartment soon.

Thus, Carmilla came to the alarming conclusion that she would have to dumpster dive.

It took all she had not to just start screaming, long and loud, for a very long time.

Instead, she tried to focus on the task at hand. Where would she even find a dumpster? There weren't many food establishments around.

Suddenly, she spied a woman across the street at the circle, holding a bag of what looked like takeout. The lady walked up to a trash can and dropped the bag right on top, then walked away.

Well. This made things a whole lot easier.

Carmilla hurried across the crosswalk and right up to the trash can. The bag was Shake Shack. Carmilla remembered what Shake Shack food tasted like. Her mouth watered, and hoped and prayed there was still something inside.

Glancing furtively around her, she plucked the bag from the can and peeked in and saw-

A less than half-eaten burger and an almost intact order of fries.

While Carmilla was usually apalled by the unnecessary wastefulness of the human race, right now she couldn't be more grateful.

She rolled the bag back up and ran back across the road to where her things were. She sat down cross-legged and tore into the food ravenously. With every bite, she could feel her pride shrinking down into nothingness. But in the moment it didn't matter. She knew it was unlikely she'd be so lucky next time, and so tried to savor it while it lasted. (Which, due to her hunger, was not long.)

After she'd eaten, Carmilla balled up the bag and stood up. Now, for her next order of business. She figured she ought to find a place to sleep before it got any later. So she slung her backpack on and picked up the plastic bag with the rest of her things.

For a moment she just stood there, staring at the statue that rose out of the circle across the street from her and considering her options. Where could she go?

Suddenly, she remembered where she was. She was standing at the entrance of the city's largest park. Which didn't close until one AM. That provided her with ample time to find a spot to sleep where she wouldn't be found.

Carmilla quickly scanned the surrounding areas for police officers, just in case. Seeing none, she slipped through the entrance and into the shadows.

She walked for quite a while, skirting the street lamps and the cones of sulfurous yellow light they created on the paths. Though she knew her way around the park pretty well, it was a whole different story in the dark, and she wondered if she'd even be able to make it anywhere that she could rest before the police patrols began.

She brainstormed all the possible tunnels and archways and hiding places she could go. She considered the archway at the Bethesda fountain, but decided it was far too obvious of a choice. She'd have to go for one of the lesser-trafficked spots.

Carmilla had been walking for who knew how long in search of a little, inconspicuous tunnel when, out of the corner of her eye, she noticed a light shining from far off. A flashlight beam. And it was getting closer.

She hadn't realized how much time had passed. It must be one already. Patrols had started. And here she was, a sitting duck.

In a panic, Carmilla whipped her head around, searching for somewhere, anywhere, to hide. But there was nowhere. Only some trees, surrounding the path on either side.

The light came closer still. If she didn't do something soon, she'd be caught and thrown out for sure.

"Hey, you there!" She froze. The light was still far off enough that it was unlikely the cop could see her face. She was betting on that.

"Park's closed," the cop called out. "Time to go."

So, Carmilla did the only reasonable thing one could do in this situation.

She whirled around and bolted straight into the trees.

"Wait! Stop!"

Heavy footsteps pounded on the concrete path as the cop started after her.

Carmilla ran. She just ran, as fast as she could, through trees and across other paths and through small grassy clearings. Her heart was pounding in her chest, and adrenaline coursed through her veins. She almost laughed out loud. There was a kind of thrill to breaking the law, no matter how minor of an offense it was.

Soon, she was back in another much larger thicket of trees. Carmilla ducked inside and paused for a moment to catch her breath. The cop had fallen very far behind, but wasn't giving up the chase. She knew they wouldn't. But where could she go now? She couldn't run all night.

As the tree branches above her swayed with the autumn evening breeze, a small idea began to form in her head. She grinned.

Ten minutes later, the cop arrived, huffing and puffing. He wiped his brow with the back of his hand and bent over, resting his hands on his thighs, as he recharged. Once he recovered, he lifted his flashlight and spun it around in a circle, illuminating all the trees. "Now where are ya, you bastard?"

No one.

The cop squinted in every possible direction, trying to catch the outline of the runner hiding behind a tree or rock. But he couldn't see anyone. At last, he turned around and trudged away out of the thicket. He'd lost the guy this time, but he'd get 'im next time. Of that, as he liked to tell himself often, he was sure.

From her perch high up in one of the trees, Carmilla watched him go. She smiled. _He never did stand a chance at catching me,_ she thought, almost haughtily.

It was too risky now to descend and keep looking for an empty underpass. So for now, Carmilla knew she'd have to make do with where she'd ended up.

Carmilla climbed a little higher in the tree until she found a y-shaped split in a sturdy branch close to the trunk. She sat on the Y and reclined backwards experimentally. It held her weight beautifully. She slipped the belt out of her pants and tied herself to the branch with it so she didn't accidentally plummet to her death in the middle of the night. She leaned her head back against the trunk and gazed up at the night sky.

 _How did I get here?_ she wondered. _How has my life gone so downhill that I've had to resort to eating out of the trash and sleeping in a goddamn tree?_

Slowly, her eyelids drooped shut, and Carmilla drifted off to sleep. Perhaps tomorrow would be better. But she doubted it.

A single tear rolled down her right cheek. And together, the moon and stars conspired to turn it silver.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's title came from "Ship to Wreck" (surprise surprise!) by Florence + The Machine.
> 
> The rating has been changed, but only just to be safe. Nothing explicit will ever really happen.


	3. happiness hit her like a train on a track

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Featuring an amazingly terrible first half of a date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I added a new (short) scene to the last chapter! It's up near the beginning, and it's mostly just a fun little bit. If you feel like it, read it. If you don't, don't!

 

It wasn't like she'd planned it.

She'd been wandering the streets after work, rather aimlessly, thinking about her life and how it had turned out like this.

Laura hadn't been able to muster up the courage to go to Lilita and turn down the job offer the next day, and had been beating herself up ever since. At the time, she reasoned they didn't need a decision until November, months from now, and therefore it was fine of her to blow it off. But really, despite her "epiphany" from lunch with LaFontaine the day before, the one the singer had inspired, she didn't have the strength or the courage to face Lilita and tell her she didn't want the job. She was weak. A coward. (At least, she thought she was.)

She inhaled a gulp of autumn air, cold and sweet. Its sharpness filled her lungs and invigorated her, only if for a moment.

Darkness was falling like a curtain, ending the act that was the day, but Laura didn't want to return home. Not anytime soon. She just wanted to be alone with her thoughts and doubts.

She didn't realize that her feet had taken her all the way back to Columbus Circle until she spotted the large statue rising from the center of the plaza. She groaned, shoulders slumping. "Oh, crap."

She turned to head back, possibly to the nearest bar.

Suddenly, a note hit her ears, light and perfect. She whirled around.

There, standing at the base of the statue, was the singer, with the regular crowd around her (despite not being in her regular spot). Her mouth was open in song.

Laura felt her mouth drop open, and she promptly shut it. A thousand thoughts whirled around in her head, many of them reasons to turn back around and keep walking. But one stood out, and in LaFontaine's proud voice.

"Stick it to the man, Hollis."

Woman, in this case.

Laura's hands balled up into fists as she marched across the street with determination written all over her body.

This was her chance.

She sure as hell wasn't going to lose it again.

* * *

"That's it for tonight, everyone," Carmilla said finally, grinning as the applause grew thunderous around her. "Thank you all, and goodnight."

She stepped back and up the steps to lean against the statue with her arms crossed, as the members of the crowd filled her little yogurt tub with cash. Today had been good. It wasn't her best day, but it was pretty good. Especially considering her throat had been starting to feel scratchy, and she hadn't been able to hit some of the notes she usually could. She chalked it up to the near-constant singing she'd been doing lately. She was up and out at seven in the morning, singing by eight, and didn't stop until nine or ten at night. She had to. She didn't have a choice.

The crowd finally dissipated, all of them wandering off after leaving a couple of dollars or various coins. Carmilla stayed in her position and watched them go. The jets of water from the fountains around the circle arced and glimmered with the light from within the fountain bases. She looked up and watched the banners of current events lazily scroll past on the CNN building. "Minor earthquake hits San Francisco", followed by "School shooting in Montana leaves fifteen dead and countless wounded," followed by "Silas Industries reveals date for long-awaited launch of new drug 'Lophia' ".

Carmilla's mouth dropped open, and she quickly closed it. Her hands began to shake, and she clenched them into fists.

She shut her eyes tightly, and took a few long, deep breaths. Calm. Down. _It's not your problem anymore,_ she thought. _Let it go._

She opened her eyes slowly and sighed, massaging her temples. The crowd was almost entirely gone now. The few people left from it were milling around, watching the fountains or sitting on the benches, likely no longer thinking about her.

Carmilla bent down and took the lid of the yogurt tub out of her backpack. She pressed it onto the container, squeezing all around the edge to make sure it was sealed, and put it back in the backpack. She stood up straight again and twisted to each side, cracking her back. She repeated the process with her neck.

"Um...hello."

Carmilla froze in mid-crack. She didn't turn around, lest this be some kind of hallucination.

"I, ah... We met a few days ago. On Saturday. Do you remember me?"

Carmilla finally turned around. And there, standing on the third step, was the easily embarrassed girl from over the weekend.

It was her. She was here. She was real.

And she looked like an anxious wreck.

It was adorable.

Carmilla stretched her arms up and behind her head, pushing her chest forward and cracking a few more joints. She shuddered in pleasure at the release. "How could I forget that scrunched-up face, buttercup?"

The girl blushed, but grinned and extended a hand straight out, excitedly bouncing a little on the balls of her feet. "I'm Laura."

Carmilla regarded her hand cooly and made no move to take it. She made her face blank, hiding her mental celebration and vague panic. Was this a good idea?

The girl—Laura—squirmed a little, but continued to wait patiently, and with unwavering enthusiasm.

_Oh, what the hell._

Carmilla took Laura's hand and shook it firmly, flashing her a seductive smirk. "Carmilla."

* * *

Laura tried it out. "Carmilla." She smiled. She loved the way the -R and -L's rolled over her tongue. "That's a strange name."

As soon as it was out, Laura regretted it. It was nowhere near what she'd meant to say. _Stupid, so stupid._ She could have kicked herself. She was always putting her foot in her mouth.

Carmilla raised a dark eyebrow. "Care to elaborate?"

Laura felt her cheeks flush even deeper in embarrassment. "Well, you meet a lot of Camillas, you know, but not so many have the R, and it's just so unique and interesting and I honestly didn't mean anything by it, I was just- I'm sorry-"

Much to Laura's surprise, Carmilla cut her off with a smoky chuckle. "Relax, cupcake. It's fine. I'm just messing with you."

Laura exhaled. "Oh."

"Yeah. Don't worry. I get what you're saying. It is kind of a weird name." 

"Is there, like, a story behind it or something?"

Carmilla shrugged. "I don't know. My mother didn't really like to talk about things like that."

Unsure of how to respond, Laura just looked at her, in what she hoped was a sympathetic sort of way.

Carmilla straightened up, kicking off the statue and walking down a few steps until she was level with Laura. Her eyes wandered off to the arc of a jet of water from a fountain somewhere behind Laura.

Laura's breath caught in her throat. Carmilla was even more beautiful up close. And ever so faintly, Laura could detect a pleasant scent on her. She couldn't quite pinpoint what it was exactly, but it was very familiar.

"Well?" Carmilla's eyes flicked back to Laura's.

"Huh?" Laura said, snapping out of her trance.

"You obviously came over here to say something. So say it."

Normally, anyone else would've felt stung by the clipping tone of her voice, but not Laura Hollis. She continued on, as bubbly as ever. "I was wondering... I mean, it's pretty late, and I haven't eaten a thing for hours and I'm starving."

Carmilla didn't look impressed. "I doubt you're starving," she snapped.

"It was a figure of speech," Laura said slowly. Confusion spread across her face, tinged with hurt.

Carmilla's expression melted, and she sighed. "Of course. You were saying?"

Laura proceeded with caution initially. "Yeah. So, I'm hungry. And you probably are too. I'm guessing. I mean I could be wrong but you look like you've been here for a while. So I was wondering if maybe you would like to grab dinner with me...?" Her voice got both shyer and faster as she spoke, and by the time she was done she looked and felt like she would explode with nervous anticipation. Her fingers itched for something to do, and finding nothing, tapped out irregular rhythms on her thighs. Finally, Laura interlocked them together, and her joined wrists twisted around in agitation. She knew this must have made her seem incredibly desperate, but she also knew that that wasn't far from the truth.

Carmilla was silent through all of this. Her eyes scanned Laura's face, like she was looking for something, though Laura wasn't sure what.

Finally, her lips curved up into a small smile. It was almost bashful, which seemed to Laura so unlike Carmilla (though she didn't particularly know what Carmilla was like just yet). "I think I would like that very much."

Laura grinned, nearly crushed by the weight of her relief. "Great! I know an amazing place. It's kind of a hike from here, though, so we can catch a cab-"

"Oh, but it's such a nice night," Carmilla said quickly, cutting her off. "Look. The moon is out."

Laura tilted her head back. "Really? Where?"

Carmilla came up next to her and extended her arm, pointing with a long pale finger. "Right up there. See?"

Laura couldn't see much through the light pollution, and squinted up at the hazy sky. "I don't-" She spied it then, the faint outline of the crescent high above the spire. "Oh, there it is!" Her voice grew softer as the moon's image grew clearer. "It's beautiful."

Carmilla hummed in assent. She was so close that Laura could feel the heat rolling off of her in waves.

"Well, it is a gorgeous night," Laura conceded.

Carmilla smiled. "Far too gorgeous to waste in a cab," she added. She turned away and climbed back up the steps, then bent down and started shoving her things into a faded army-green canvas backpack.

Instantly, the nippy air typical of autumn nights enveloped Laura, rushing in and around where Carmilla and her warmth had been. She shivered. "But aren't you cold?" she asked.

Carmilla stood, slinging the backpack over her shoulder, and quickly descended the steps. "Should I be?"

Laura eyed her black T-shirt (very fitted, which was not lost on certain parts of Laura) and jeans (with the knees worn out) suspiciously. She didn't have so much as a hoodie on. But Carmilla didn't look uncomfortable in the least, and her warmth from moments before had been intense, leading Laura to believe she was probably fine. So she didn't say anything.

"Okay, then," Carmilla said, regarding Laura with a raised eyebrow. "Lead the way, princess."

"Right." Laura started walking towards the CNN building, and Carmilla followed.

They rounded the corner and found themselves on a slightly less busy block. It was startlingly bright. The buildings on either side of the street were mostly glass, and the light from within them poured out and illuminated the sidewalk.

"So, where are we going?" Carmilla asked, kicking a plastic bottle aside with the toe of her boot. It skittered across the pavement and rolled into the gutter.

Laura turned around and raised a finger to her lips, smiling mischievously. "It's a secret," she stage-whispered, before turning back around.

Carmilla rolled her eyes dramatically. In fact, she was so preoccupied with the act of rolling her eyes that she was unaware that Laura had stopped walking, and she crashed right into her.

"Ah!" Laura exclaimed as she stumbled forward.

"Jesus Christ," Carmilla groaned. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." Laura turned back to face Carmilla. "Are you?"

"Yeah, I'm good," Carmilla said, rubbing her right temple and trying not to wince. "Why'd you stop like that, cupcake?"

Laura smiled sheepishly. "I, uh-"

"Out with it already," Carmilla sighed.

"It's something I do to find my way around here," Laura said quickly.

"What? Standing in the middle of the sidewalk like a lost puppy? That seems like a better way to get kidnapped."

"No," Laura laughed, "not that. This." She closed her eyes.

"Okay, that's one hundred percent how you get kidnapped."

"When I was little, my dad had me memorize map after map of the city," Laura said, eyes still closed. "We'd walk all over Manhattan for hours every day, just so I could learn my way around. When I didn't know where I was or how to get somewhere, he had me close my eyes and picture the maps in my head, and I could see it instantly. Those maps stuck with me. As long as I stop and do this whenever I'm unsure, I can never get lost. I haven't for years."

Her eyelids fluttered open, readjusting slowly to the bright city lights. When she opened them fully she found Carmilla staring at her intently. Her heart pounded in her chest.

When Carmilla realized Laura had opened her eyes, however, she looked away quickly. Laura thought she even saw a faint blush on Carmilla's cheeks.

But when Carmilla raised her head again, there was no trace of it. She must have been mistaken.

"You know the entire city, then?" Carmilla said.

"Like the back of my hand," Laura replied, more than a little proudly.

"That's crazy. But amazing."

Those deep brown eyes were looking at her again. But this time, they met Laura's own directly. And this time it was Laura who had to look away.

"So anyway, let me just get my bearings, and we'll be there in no time," she said, spinning around quickly so Carmilla didn't see her own very obvious blush and shutting her eyes tight.

Instantly, a map of the city unfolded in front of her. She saw the street they were on, and zoomed across the map to the street she needed to go to. And in mere seconds, she knew how to get there.

Laura cracked her eyes open again and grinned. "Let's go!" she said, and she didn't even hesitate before grabbing Carmilla's hand and pulling her along as she began to run down the street.

Carmilla seemed shocked at first, and more than a little put off, but soon she was smiling just as wide as Laura. Laughing, even.

They kept running and laughing and Laura turned around quite often to look at Carmilla as they ran, with the most beautiful smile Carmilla had ever seen on her lips each time. Her honey-brown hair bounced violently around her shoulders, occasionally obstructing her vision.

What they were doing couldn't have been considered safe by any stretch of the imagination. They blatantly ignored "Don't Walk" signals and were just barely able to dodge what few pedestrians they came across, even full-on crashing into one poor woman. It was a wonder they didn't get hit by a car.

After about half an hour, Laura started to slow her pace. Her feet, still trapped in the prison of her pumps, were killing her, and she was shocked she hadn't twisted an ankle by now—

As her left foot stepped into a subway grate, it became clear that she'd spoken (or rather, thought) too soon. The heel of her left pump got caught in one of the holes and promptly gave up, deciding it simply couldn't go on like this, and snapped clean off. 

"Shit!" Laura pitched backwards and almost fell, and Carmilla lurched back a bit with her, brought down by the clasped hands they shared. But, with lightning-quick reflexes, she was able to grab Laura around the back with her other free arm, preventing them both from hitting the concrete.

The way Carmilla was now holding Laura was as if she were dipping her in a ballroom dance. A waltz, perhaps. The dark waves of Carmilla's hair fell forward around her face like a curtain, and the ends of a few strands brushed Laura's cheeks.

Laura struggled to breathe normally.

"Quite the klutz tonight, cupcake," Carmilla said with a smirk, raising Laura back to an upright position. "You should wear a helmet."

"I swear, I'm usually more coordinated than this," Laura stammered, blushing a bright red. "I don't know what's gotten into me."

"You've got to be more careful." Carmilla's tone was still suggestive and joking, and her eyes were bright. "What if I'm not there to catch you next time?"

"I guess I'll have to put my faith in the great people of New York City," Laura replied, kneeling down to the grate to assess the damage.

"You'd better have an awful lot of faith."

Using her thumb and forefinger, Laura plucked the heel from the hole in the grate and held it up to the bottom of her pump where it used to reside. "Darn it."

Carmilla squatted next to her. "Oh. That's not so bad. A little superglue and it'll be good as new."

"Is that the official superglue slogan? Because if it isn't, it probably should be."

Carmilla laughed. "How much do you think they'd pay me for it?"

"If they want it bad enough, they'll give you anything."

"That sounds like sex advice."

" _Terrible_ sex advice." She remembered something LaFontaine had once told her, a long time ago. "Terrible sex advice I think I've actually had a friend give me before."

"Please tell me you're no longer friends with this human."

This time it was Laura laughing. "Hate to break it to you—"

Carmilla shook her head slowly. "Tsk tsk. I'm so disappointed in you, creampuff."

"Creampuff? Really?" 

Carmilla helped Laura to her feet. "Edible nicknames are the best kind of nicknames." She frowned at Laura's broken shoe. "Okay, you can't walk much further like this."

"Well, what are we going to do? We still have a long ways to go."

Carmilla scanned the block. There. At the corner was a subway station. 

"You looking to head uptown or downtown?" 

"Downtown, but Carmilla-"

"Perfect." She looked Laura up and down. "Think you can make it to the end of the block?"

Laura took an experimental step forward. She wobbled and almost fell again, one foot being higher than the other. 

"Oh, screw it." She pulled off both of her shoes. "They were killing me anyway."

Carmilla covered her mouth to hide a chuckle as they started walking. "All right, but once you see where we're going you might want to put them back on."

"Where are we- oh." Laura spotted the subway station. "Oh no."

"It's the quickest way."

"Nonononono." Laura looked at Carmilla with panic in her eyes. "Can't we just call a cab? It'd be a lot less... Dirty."

"Oh, come on. Think of all the people that have either vomited or worse in cabs. It's no worse than this. And this is much cheaper."

Laura didn't budge. Her mind was filled with awful images of rats scampering across her path with beady little eyes and cockroaches crawling from track to track.

Carmilla was already on the second step down before she turned around and looked up at Laura, with her permanent expression of unhappy shock. "Oh my god. Please don't tell me you're one of those super rich upper-east-siders who think you're too good to take the subway."

"I don't live on the upper east side."

Carmilla waves a hand indifferently. "Technicalities."

"But I'm not like that!" Laura almost stamped her foot.

Carmilla raised an eyebrow. "Then prove it."

Laura peered down the stairs, nearly black with the stains of trodden-on gum long since spat out. Abandoned pages of tabloids were stirred out of stasis by a light autumn wind and danced across the steps.

She swallowed hard, and then slipped her shoes (broken and all) back on. "Fine."

Carmilla grinned and started down the steps. Laura followed more slowly, trying her hardest not to break her ankle.

When they reached the bottom of the stairs and the turnstile hub, Carmilla looked around. The station was essentially deserted, save for the woman sitting in the information booth.

Carmilla sidled up a little closer to the booth and looked in. The woman was, not surprisingly, asleep. Carmilla smiled. Perfect.

She returned to Laura, who looked like a terrified child standing all alone, shooting furtive glances to every little unlit corner where she thought she saw motion.

"Hey," Carmilla whispered, trying not to wake the woman in the booth. "Are you up for a little light law-breaking?"

Laura stared at her. "Are you kidding me?"

"I'll take that as a yes." Carmilla walked to a turnstile and, so quickly and nimbly Laura almost missed it, leaped right over it. She turned around to face Laura, a smirk forming on her lips and a finger crooked in beckoning. "Your turn, short stack."

Laura gulped. "Carmilla, I'm not sure-"

Suddenly, a rat emerged from the shadows, snuffling along, rather unaware of Laura's existence. But Laura was not so lucky. Her eyes widened in fright, and she raced to the turnstile and clambered over it as fast as possible in a rather gangly and awkward way. Her broken shoe didn't help.

Carmilla started to laugh, as silently as she could. "Smooth, sundance. Smooth."

"Oh, whatever," Laura hissed, staring at the rat. "Let's just go."

"That would require me knowing where we are going."

"What? Why?"

"Because you find yourself above the plebeians who ride the subway, so you have no idea how to read a subway map and I do."

Laura rolled her eyes. "I don't find myself above anyone, but fine. We're going to Chinatown."

Carmilla stared at her. "You'll go to Chinatown, but you won't ride the subway."

"Hey! There's a very distinct difference between walking on the street of a slightly dirty neighborhood and being shut up in a tin can hurtling across midtown _underground_."

"Yes. The subway smells better." Carmilla started walking towards the stairs marked "Downtown B D", and Laura struggled to match her pace. "Specific street, please."

"Forsyth and Grand. Roughly."

"Wow, and right in the heart of it." Carmilla started down the stairs. "Guess you're less of a snob than I thought."

Laura stepped gingerly on the first step, flinching as she heard the crunch of where the heel used to be. "I told you I wasn't." She grabbed the railing like a life raft and used it to support her as she made her slow descent.

When she made it to the bottom, Carmilla was standing on the side of the platform to her left. "Lucky for us, there's a stop almost exactly at that crossing," she said. "And there's no one out at this hour on a weeknight, really, so it should be a fast ride."

"Great," Laura said, stumbling over to Carmilla.

Carmilla chuckled. "You look like a baby deer."

"Cute and adorable?"

"Wobbly."

Laura frowned, and her nose scrunched up. Carmilla's face softened. "But yeah, those too."

Knowing she'd be unable to respond to the compliment without saying something unbelievably stupid in response, Laura instead bulged her eyes out to epic proportions, as much as she could without injuring herself, and stuck her head out sideways far over the side of the platform to leer at Carmilla. "Call me Bambi."

Carmilla looked at her ridiculous expression, Laura's hazel eyes practically hanging out of their sockets and her lips in an exaggerated pout, and finally burst into uncontrollable laughter. A breeze began to blow, gentle at first but becoming increasingly strong, sending her dark curls whipping around in the stale subway air like in a shampoo commercial. A  bright light from somewhere behind Laura, the source of which Laura couldn't conceive, illuminated Carmilla's face in the most angelic way—actually, also sort of like in a shampoo commercial.

And Laura was so completely taken by her beauty in that moment that she couldn't help but stare, and the rest of the world melted away around her, including the way Carmilla seemed to be saying something, and the way her eyes were getting pretty big, and how scared she looked-

Without warning, Carmilla grabbed her by the shoulders and yanked her forcefully backwards, away from the tracks and out of her reverie.

"What the hell?" Laura shouted. 

Carmilla opened her mouth to answer, but she didn't get a chance. A loud whistling noise filled the air, swallowing her words as their train zoomed into the station.

Laura gaped at the shiny silver metal as it went past them, right through the space where her head had been only seconds before, and finally came to a screeching stop in front of them. The doors to the subway car slid open calmly, almost invitingly, as if Laura hadn't almost been decapitated moments earlier.

"Holy crapsticks," Laura murmured.

"I have a question, creampuff," Carmilla said. Her voice shook slightly. "Do you have a fucking _death wish?_ "

"I-"

"You stuck your fucking head out over the fucking tracks when a fucking train was coming and did nothing but stare at me while it barreled _straight for your fucking head!_ "

"I didn't realize they just came like that, with no warning-" Carmilla's voice may have been wavering, but Laura's whole body was shaking like a leaf.

"Oh, there was plenty of warning." Carmilla tried to keep herself under control, but her voice came out much louder than she intended to. And with the echo caused by the empty station, her words were even louder. "How did you not hear it? How did you not hear that whistle from a mile away? How did you not feel the wind? Or see the light? Or anything?"

Laura blushed a bright red, not wanting to explain what she had made of all those things. "I don't know."

Carmilla exhaled slowly, feeling her blood pressure slowly returning to normal. "Okay, it doesn't matter. Are you all right?"

Laura looked herself over. "I think so."

"Good," Carmilla sighed. "Let's just get on the train."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's title came from "Dog Days are Over" by Florence + The Machine. 
> 
> (The title was supposed to be something different but after writing the train scene I couldn't help myself.)
> 
> This chapter and the next were originally supposed to be one, but it was getting way too long and this felt like a natural break.


	4. time goes quicker between the two of us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Featuring the much better second half of a date, waltzing, and too much wine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How 'bout that last episode? It had me in tears. Actual tears. It was a beautiful performance. There are such talented actresses on this show.

Laura and Carmilla stepped inside a completely empty subway car just before the doors hissed shut. This train was one of the newer ones, with shiny periwinkle plastic seats, gleaming silver poles and rods to hold on to, white walls and a black floor, and neon lights so white they were almost blue.

Laura glanced around the car briefly, taking it all in (it was way cleaner than she'd thought it would be), before she felt her legs start to give way. "I- I think I need to sit down."

Carmilla gestured around at the empty car. "Nothing's stopping you."

Laura flopped down on a seat closest to the doors they'd entered in and leaned her head against the cool metal guardrail. She kicked her shoes off, and her toes flexed in and out with their newfound freedom. Carmilla stood in the center of the car, relishing the one-of-a-kind pleasure of riding in an empty subway car.

Well, nearly empty, anyway.

"Oh my god," Laura said slowly, almost in disbelief. The shock had worn off, and she was just starting to understand what had happened. "I almost just _died_." She looked up at Carmilla, who was pacing the length of the car, impatiently waiting for the train to move. Her voice grew increasingly panicked. "I could be _dead_ right now."

"Well, you're not."

"But imagine if I _was_." She started to hyperventilate.

Sensing Laura's unease, Carmilla came to a stop in front of her and smiled gently. "Then that would have to be the shittiest first date ever, wouldn't you say?"

Laura laughed a little, and felt her body begin to relax.

The train lurched forward suddenly, causing Laura to be thrown sideways so she slid down the line of empty bench. "Eep!"

Carmilla, meanwhile, hadn't moved an inch from where she'd been standing. She'd barely even swayed when the train started moving. She was as grounded as a tree. And she was shaking her head at Laura in mock disappointment.

Laura collected herself from the bench and sat upright. She saw Carmilla's expression. "What?" she said indignantly. "You know I've never ridden the subway."

Carmilla walked over to her. "Laura, I'm aware you don't know this, so I'm going to enlighten you: in New York City, empty subway cars are incredibly rare. So when there's an empty subway car, you don't just sit there. We have to take advantage of this rare opportunity."

She extended both her hands down to Laura and smiled. "Let me show you."

Laura didn't even hesitate in taking them, a smile of her own beginning.

Carmilla pulled her up with a small grunt and led her to the center of the car.

A small jolt shook the car then, and Laura was thrown forward into Carmilla. "Sorry!" Laura said, regaining her balance.

Carmilla chuckled. "That's all right. It makes it a little easier, actually."

"What?"

She smiled coyly. "Waltzing."

"Waltzing?" Laura raised an eyebrow, her expression one of pleasant surprise. "How old-fashioned."

"You know, it used to be considered pretty scandalous back in the day."

Laura laughed. "How can _waltzing_ be scandalous?"

"Well..." The following _I'll show you_ wasn't explicitly said, but it was written all over Carmilla's face.

Carmilla put her right hand on Laura's waist and clasped Laura's right hand with her left. Their fingers interlocked instantly, like it was the most natural thing in the world. Laura's left hand subconsciously floated up to rest on Carmilla's right shoulder.

"Partners were face to face."

She pulled Laura towards her. "Chest to chest."

Laura's breath was knocked out of her with that one motion. This was the closest they'd ever been. Their noses were almost touching, and their chests were touching. Laura felt the swell of Carmilla's bust pressing lightly against her. It took all she had not to just lean right up and kiss Carmilla on her soft, supple lips.

She giggled nervously instead.

Carmilla led Laura in the dance. Step, step, step. One two three, one two three.

"And then, of course, there was all of that, ah, whirling..." Carmilla lifted their interlocked hands and twirled Laura out and around, sending her hair and the flaps of her coat flaring outwards around her.

As she spun, a full-blown open-mouthed smile spread across Laura's lips, and she let out a bubbly laugh. And Carmilla thought, in that split second of time where Laura was spun completely out and laughing, that Laura was simply beautiful.

She grinned and spun Laura back to her, and they continued to dance.

The waltz eventually dissolved into a dance of their own invention, one set to the music of the whistling air outside and the steady rumbling and chugging of wheels on metal tracks. They danced for what seemed like hours, Carmilla twirling Laura every so often. They grew looser with each other, more relaxed. Sometimes,when Carmilla would spin Laura back in, she'd keep her twirling until she ended up right in Carmilla's arms, her back flush against Carmilla's chest. Their steps became wider and less coordinated, leading them all around the car. No one could say, however, that they were in any way mismatched; in fact, they were in perfect harmony.

Once, Laura even spun Carmilla, who was completely caught off-guard and gave Laura an impressed face when she was facing her again. The car soon filled with the sound of their laughter.

Just before the train reached their stop, Carmilla slid the hand on Laura's waist around her lower back and dipped her low, smiling the whole way. Once again, her hair slid down and hung over Laura's flushed and grinning face.

Laura's eyes met Carmilla's, and something in her expression shifted. Her lips parted just slightly, and she leaned up and Carmilla leaned down and-

At that moment, the doors hissed open.

Carmilla slowly raised Laura back up to a standing position. "This is us."

"Oh." Laura didn't think she'd ever be so disappointed to leave the subway.

"Come on," Carmilla said, stepping off the train. "You said you were hungry an hour ago. You must be famished now."

Laura's stomach rumbled, quite reminiscent of a whale. "Thanks for reminding me." 

She followed Carmilla off the train and through the station, which was a little more active than the one they'd started at, to the exit. They climbed the stairs and upon emerging found themselves in the heart of Chinatown. The cool air enveloped them both once more, calming Laura's blush and causing goosebumps to rise on the bare skin of Carmilla's arms. She shivered, and hoped Laura wouldn't notice.

"There it is!" Laura said triumphantly, pointing to a little restaurant on the street diagonal from their position.

"Finally," Carmilla sighed. "After this night I'd say we both deserve some food." She tried to keep the excitement out of her voice. It had been so long since she'd eaten a proper meal, even since before her eviction.

They crossed the street and walked a little further, and then, at last, they reached it.

The place looked cheerful and welcoming and, most importantly for Carmilla, warm. It was the only place still open on the street, and an inviting yellow glow shone through its windows. Laura pulled open the door and they went inside.

"Hi everyone!" Laura crowed. "I'm back. And I brought a friend!"

The waiters and waitresses responded smiles and little comments in broken English. Carmilla guessed they already knew her. A waitress ushered them to the back at a quiet little booth and gave them menus, then poured them some hot tea. Carmilla immediately closed her palms around the small cup and relaxed as she felt the warmth course through her. Laura eased out of her coat, revealing a grey cashmere sweater underneath, and then did the same.

"So," Carmilla said, unable to keep a suggestive tone out of her voice, "you come here often?"

"What gave it away?" Laura laughed. She reached over to the napkin dispenser on their table and yanked out a few as Carmilla browsed the menu. "It's my favorite restaurant in the whole city."

"That's high praise, cupcake. This place better deliver," Carmilla joked.

"Ooh, the pressure's on now," Laura giggled.

Carmilla glanced up at her over her menu. "What do you recommend?"

"Well, I usually get the number thirteen. It's so good."

"That's what I'll have, then," Carmilla said, snapping the menu shut.

"You won't be disappointed." Laura gestured for the waitress. "Two number thirteens, please, and a small order of spring rolls." She looked at Carmilla. "Drink?"

Carmilla shook her head. "Tea's fine."

"Me too," Laura said to the waitress, who smiled and left. And then it was just the two of them.

A slightly awkward silence ensued as each of them tried to steal secret glances at the other without the other noticing. Carmilla was much better at this game than Laura, who was caught staring multiple times and was reduced to a blushing mess by Carmilla's knowing smirk every single time.

It was Laura who, after being embarrassed so thoroughly so many times, finally broke the silence.

"So, you're a singer?"

Carmilla shrugged. "I suppose I am."

"What's that like? Doing something like that?" Laura's face was so eager to hear what Carmilla had to say, her eyes bright and inquisitive. Carmilla didn't want to ever make that expression go away, but she wondered how Laura would look if she knew how Carmilla was living now. 

"It's not the most... glamorous lifestyle, shall we say."

"The arts rarely are." Laura sighed a little, and Carmilla could see the light in her eyes fading.

So she sugarcoated, just a little.

"But it's all right." _If you call eating out of trash cans and showering at Planet Fitness all right._ "I mean, I'm doing what I love to do. That makes it worth it, most of the time." Carmilla shrugged again. "I'd much rather be singing and struggling than stuck in a cubicle every day from nine to five, a simple drone to the corporate machine, making millions but still feeling grossly dissatisfied with my life because I haven't yet realized that money can't buy happiness."

Another silence ensued before Laura laughed awkwardly and waved a little at her. "Say hello to your local corporate drone."

Carmilla's eyes widened, and to her credit she appeared duly embarrassed. "Oh my god. I'm so sorry." She looked down, shaking her head lightly. "I am such an idiot."

"No, no, it's okay," Laura said quickly. "I mean, most of that stuff is true."

"Still. I shouldn't have said it."

"Yeah, maaaaaybe not on the first date, but hey. I almost got decapitated by a train tonight. Nobody's perfect."

Carmilla chuckled a little. "Can't argue there."

The waitress brought out the spring rolls. Laura thanked her and picked one up, then promptly dropped it on her plate, fingers singed. "Hot!" she exclaimed.

"Thank you. I try."

Laura glared at Carmilla as the brunette smirked at her, causing her cheeks to redden anew. "Hmph."

Carmilla took a roll herself. "What kind of drone are you, exactly?" she asked, reaching for the bottle of soy sauce.

"The publicity kind." Laura poked at her roll experimentally with a single finger and recoiled again. Still too hot. "I'm a publicity manager."

"Sounds important." Carmilla poured a little sauce on her plate. It spread across the white surface, creating a brown pool. "What does a publicity manager do, exactly?"

"Exactly what it sounds like. I manage the publicity of the company. It's like I control their image, sort of."

"Interesting. How do you find that to be?"

"Honestly?"

"No one likes a liar, sweetheart."

"It's the most awful, boring, tedious job on the planet and I hate it."

Carmilla chuckled. "Wow, tell us how you really feel."

"I know. I just really really _hate_ it. And I pretty much knew I was going to hate it before i even started."

"Why'd you take it, then?" Carmilla paused. "Wait. Don't tell me. Money."

"Mm." Laura took a sip of her tea before continuing. "I had just gotten out of college and I needed work really badly, but none of the places I actually wanted to work at paid enough for me to survive here. And then I got offered this job, and it paid so much, and-"

"-you thought you'd put off your dream until you saved up enough to chase it."

Laura nodded, a bit shamefully. "And now money's no longer an issue, but for some reason I just can't leave."

"What is it that you'd rather be doing?"

Carmilla didn't miss the way Laura's voice got smaller as she spoke, as if she'd revealed this many times before but always got the same negative reaction. "I want to be a journalist. Maybe bust a few corrupt politicians and CEOs while I'm at it, even though that's probably a long shot." Her eyes briefly flicked up to Carmilla. "Do you think..." She looked down, watching the dregs of her tea swirl lazily about in the clear golden liquid. "Do you think that's stupid?"

"Cupcake." Carmilla laughed, but its sound was harsh. "I'm a street musician. I'm not exactly in the position to judge anyone based on their career choices."

"Point taken." Laura smiled a little, but she still looked unsure.

Carmilla's expression softened. "Of course I don't think it's stupid, Laura." She smiled gently. "The fact that you'd want to do something so important and, quite frankly, dangerous, for a living is incredibly admirable."

"Thank you," Laura murmured, with a slightly nervous giggle. "But it's not some big noble thing."

"Are you kidding? You're selfless enough to devote your life to chasing down and exposing the villains of the modern world. I know I could never do that. I'd call it noble any day."

Laura blushed down at her tea, slightly embarrassed by the praise. A small strand of hair fell in front of her face and she tucked it behind her ear.

_She's adorable_ , Carmilla thought.

They fell silent again. But this silence was nice. Comfortable.

Safe.

They both looked at each other at the same time. Their eyes met.

It wasn't some monumental moment. There were no fireworks sparking from their chests or angels singing hymns from the heavens. Just two girls, looking into each other's eyes. But perfectly and entirely understanding each other.

And that was magic in itself.

They smiled. 

* * *

 "I can't get over how delicious that was."

It was late, about one AM, and Laura and Carmilla were back on the streets again. Carmilla had insisted on walking Laura home after dinner. Which she was still raving about.

"Still?" Laura said, grinning. "Well, I'm glad it was up to your expectations."

"Oh, it most definitely exceeded them. I've never been so thoroughly satisfied with anything for as long as I've been alive as I was with that food."

Laura burst out laughing. "You must have a pretty disappointing sex life."

Carmilla gasped in mock shock. "For such an innocent exterior, you have quite the dirty mind, cupcake."

"You wouldn't be so surprised if you met my friends." Laura was still laughing. "Or rather, one of them in particular."

"Is this the one who gave you the horrendous sex advice?"

"The very same."

Carmilla laughed herself. "I think we'd get along swimmingly," she said.

They turned on to Laura's street. "You probably would," Laura said. "You're both so-"

"Wildly irresistible?"

"Shut up." Laura hit Carmilla lightly on the shoulder. "I was going to say down to earth. Though-" They walked up the block, Laura slowing her pace as they neared her building. "-I wouldn't exactly say you're wrong."

"Oh, I'm sure your friend is quite the catch."

"Stop it," Laura laughed. They were in front of her building now, as much as she'd tried to prolong the walk. She came to a stop and turned to face Carmilla. "You know I'm talking about you."

Carmilla raised an eyebrow smugly. "Of course I know."

For a moment, they just stood there looking at each other. Then, Carmilla glanced at the building on her right. It was a classic New York City brownstone. A small staircase led up to the door, light brown with an ornate black knocker mounted below three golden numbers. 307.

"Well, this is me," Laura said.

Carmilla nodded, shifting on her feet. She looked down and said nothing.

Laura bit her lip. She didn't want the night to end, and could sense Carmilla didn't either. So, in a moment of boldness, she grinned and said, "Actually, would you maybe want to come inside and have a drink?"

Carmilla looked up in surprise. "Are you sure? I wouldn't want to impose."

"You could never."

"In that case..." A small smile worked its way across her lips. "I suppose I am a little thirsty."

_You and me both_ , Laura thought.

Carmilla laughed. "Excuse me?"

Laura paused, and her mouth slowly dropped open. "Oh my god. I just said that out loud, didn't I?"

"Afraid so, sweetheart."

Laura's face burned in embarrassment as she walked up the stairs, Carmilla following (and still chuckling to herself). "Now I really do need that drink."

* * *

 "Bathroom's down this hall straight ahead, and the living room's right through that arch. Make yourself at home." Laura hung up her coat and moved into the kitchen, which was directly to the right of the front door when you were entering.

Carmilla stood in the foyer for a minute, feeling the heat slowly returning to her bones. The house was gorgeous. An oriental runner crunched beneath her feet as she walked slowly forward down the main hall.

On her left, a small door led into what appeared to be a study, and further down another door led to a guest bedroom. There was a staircase straight ahead, pressed tightly against the left wall. The hall was wide and so continued around it, ending at a door, and Carmilla could assume that that was the bathroom.

On her right, a large archway opened up. Carmilla stepped off the runner and walked through it, her boots clicking on the hardwood floors.

This was the living room. It was the largest room she'd seen so far. A long brown couch sat facing the opposite wall, where a flat-screen TV stood atop a squat black cabinet-like object. Two love seats, matching the brown couch, were placed facing inwards so that they formed a U with the couch. In the middle was a low rectangular coffee table with a few New York Times magazines neatly stacked on top of it. This whole setup was shifted more to the right of the living room, leaving mostly open space on the left. 

There were two small windows on the left wall, giving a nice view of the small backyard through one window and the fire escape through the other. Bookcases about as tall as Carmilla stood proudly on the walls flanking the wall with the windows. Beautiful volumes stood at attention upon their shelves in small groups, enclosed on either side by black metal bookends. In the empty spaces left on the shelves there sat some framed pictures, as well as smaller tchotchkes here and there and the occasional plant in a small vase.

Carmilla's fingers danced over the spines of the books on the highest shelf as she walked slowly past each bookcase. She paused at a picture in a clear glass frame that stood on the shelf where all seven Harry Potter books (all of them hardcover) resided. In the picture was woman who was very similar in appearance to Laura. She had dirty blonde, almost brown hair and shining eyes. She was not looking at the camera but rather looking at a little girl, no older than three, that she was swinging up a little in the way parents do with their children. Her head was tilted back to look at her daughter, and she was laughing. Behind them glittered the faint lights of a Christmas tree.

"Carmilla," Laura called from the kitchen.

Carmilla glanced to her right. Another smaller archway connected the kitchen and the living room, so she could see Laura reaching up into a cabinet. She was standing on her very tiptoes and stretching as far as she could with her fingertips.

"Need some help, cupcake?" Carmilla made to head to the kitchen, but Laura made a triumphant sound. She removed her hands from the cabinet, and Carmilla could see that she now held two wineglasses by their stems.

"No, I've got it," Laura responded. She turned around and walked to the other side of the kitchen island, disappearing from view. "I wanted to ask what kind of wine you want."

Carmilla shrugged, then remembered Laura couldn't see her. "Whatever you have is fine."

"That doesn't exactly give me a lot to work with."

Carmilla could hear the joking tone in her voice and sighed a little, smiling to herself. "Red, then. If you have any."

"Coming right up!"

Carmilla returned to her inspection of the picture. She didn't get very far before she heard Laura's footsteps on the floorboards moving towards her.

Laura followed Carmilla's gaze to the picture and smiled. "That's my mom."

Carmilla looked up. "She's beautiful."

"She was," Laura agreed, taking a sip of her wine. Hers was white. She handed Carmilla her own glass as she did so.

"Thanks," Carmilla murmured, her fingers pinching the slender stem awkwardly. She'd never found holding wineglasses to be a very comfortable experience. "I'm sorry. When did she-"

Laura shook her head. "She's not dead."

"Oh."

"At least, I don't think so. But I wouldn't know." Laura took a large sip of wine. "She left when I was little."

"Well, then, I'm still sorry."

Laura nodded absentmindedly, staring at the picture. "So am I."

Carmilla took a sip of her wine. The bloodred liquid stained her tongue, her lips.

Laura's remained pure.

* * *

 "That did _not_ actually happen!" Laura cackled, tossing her head backwards.

The pair were seated on the couch. Carmilla had her feet up on the couch, her knees bent up in front of her and her back resting against one arm of the couch. Laura sat normally with her legs hanging off the couch, one crossed over the other, but her head was turned to face Carmilla as she spoke.

"Oh, believe me, it did." Carmilla tilted her wineglass back and took a large swig. "I've now been banned from Sea World for life. My mother was furious." She laughed. "The look on my teacher's face when I dove in there was priceless."

"I don't believe you! Sorry. I can't. It's too crazy. There's no way you got away with it." Laura leaned her head back over the couch so it was hanging almost completely upside-down. "No waaaaay."

"You're such a lightweight," Carmilla commented, sipping daintily from her glass. "You've only had, what, two glasses?"

"People always tell me that!"

"I wonder why."

"But I'm not drunk, though." Laura sat back up. "My neck was tired. I was just stretching it out."

"Sure," Carmilla chuckled, finishing off her wine. She placed it down on the coffee table and stood up. "Look, Laura, I should go. It's late."

The neon blue numbers of the digital clock on the cable box caught Laura's eye. Three AM.

"Oh my god," she groaned. "It is. It is so, so late. And I have work tomorrow."

"Yeah, I really should get going. You need to sleep. Thank you so much for dinner. And the drinks."

"Oh, please. It was my pleasure. Here, let me at least show you out." Laura rose, placing her wineglass beside Carmilla's on the coffee table. She straightened up and walked Carmilla to the door.

Carmilla opened it and stepped out.

"Carmilla."

Carmilla turned to face Laura, who was leaning sleepily against the frame. "Yes?"

"I had a really good time tonight."

Carmilla smiled. "So did I, cupcake."

"I-" Laura broke off, not knowing any way to properly articulate anything she wanted to say.

Carmilla stepped a little closer, so they were only inches apart, and said nothing, waiting patiently.

Laura gulped. This girl, this beautiful, wonderful girl, had saved her butt far too many times to count tonight. She deserved at least a kiss.

So Laura gave her one.

She leaned forward, lips parted. Carmilla didn't hesitate this time and met her in the middle.

At the moment of contact, they both closed their eyes, shutting out the world. Nothing else mattered but their lips, together, fighting the frigid September night with such brilliant warmth.

Slowly.

Gently.

Carmilla pulled away first, and came to rest her forehead on Laura's. Their breath mingled and twisted together. A bitterly cold gust of wind blew it away and shocked Laura into some sobriety. Her eyelids fluttered as she inhaled a shaky breath.

"Wow," she breathed.

Carmilla laughed a little. Lightly.

They could have stayed like that forever.

Then, Carmilla leaned forward. Her warm breath smelled of alcohol, and it tickled Laura's ear as she whispered, "Meet me tomorrow at Columbus Circle again."

"I will." As if she would have said anything else.

"Good." Carmilla pulled back. "Goodnight, Laura," she murmured.

She descended the stairs quickly and paused for a moment at the bottom, looking back at Laura. Her eyes were so unbelievably sad. Laura felt a sharp pang in her heart upon seeing them.

"Goodnight," she called softly.

Carmilla gave her a little smile, then turned and disappeared into the darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's title came from "What the Water Gave Me" by Florence + The Machine.
> 
> So, this month will be incredibly busy for me, and after it's over school will be starting up again, which means updates will become much rarer. I'm aiming to post once every two weeks, but it'll probably end up being more like once a month. Like I said before, though, I will never ever abandon this story! (I love it too much to do that.)
> 
> (Also if you haven't gone back and revisited chapter 2 already, there's a new scene added there if you want to check it out. Very...steamy. ;) )


	5. dissolving like the setting sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Featuring singing, stars, and a very poorly-timed thunderstorm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning: this chapter contains nudity. But there's nothing graphic, I promise.

Laura met Carmilla the next day at her post in Columbus Circle, like she had promised. They didn't go anywhere in particular; they just took a long walk through Central Park. 

It was a beautiful evening, a bit warmer than it had been of late. The sky was a powdery blue, the kind of blue that can only be seen just before dusk. They walked slowly beside each other, engaging in causal banter about anything and everything they could possibly think to talk about. Their steps fell in perfect sync on the sidewalk.

The longer they walked, the closer they gravitated towards each other. Soon, it reached a point where their arms (Carmilla's right, Laura's left) were nearly touching. It was only natural that moments later, their swinging hands would meet as well.

And when they did... 

It was like they were back on the subway, dancing through the car. Their fingers interlocked immediately, perfectly, at precisely the same time. Autonomously, the fingers and hands operating independently of consciousness.

Their conversation fell into stunned silence at what had occurred.

Carmilla looked down at their joined hands incredulously, like she couldn't believe it was real, and then up at Laura. 

Laura looked just as surprised as Carmilla felt. It wasn't an unpleasant sort of surprise, either, which eased Carmilla's nerves a little. For Laura, it was unexpected, but it was _right._

It wasn't the first time either of them had held hands with anyone.

But it was still unlike anything either of them had ever known.

* * *

At around ten PM, Laura decided to head home, and Carmilla sent her off with a sweet, closed-lips kiss that made Laura's head spin.

They made plans to meet again the following day, in the same manner as before. This continued on for a few more days.

On Thursday, as the night wound down, the pair were walking back to Laura's brownstone when Carmilla said, "I want to take you somewhere."

Laura raised her eyebrows. "It's getting pretty late, Carm. I have work tomorrow."

_Carm._

So innocuous. Slipped so easily out of her mouth and into the air, where she couldn't pull it back.

But after seeing the surprised happiness that glimmered in Carmilla's eyes upon hearing the nickname, Laura decided she didn't want to.

"Not tonight, cupcake," Carmilla said, smiling. "Tomorrow. You took me to your favorite place, so I'm going to take you to mine."

"And what is this place, may I ask?"

Carmilla lifted a finger from her free hand, the one not holding Laura's, and pressed it to her lips in a mimed hush. "Secret."

"Ha ha. Very funny," Laura laughed, nudging Carmilla gently with her shoulder. "What is it, really?"

Carmilla's eyes shone with mischief. "You'll find out."

Laura frowned a little. "Come on, Carm, just tell me!"

"Patience, darling. I'm not telling you a thing."

Laura play-pouted. Carmilla chuckled and leaned over to kiss her forehead.

"Okaaaay, but... How will I know how to dress?" Laura tried, in a weak final effort to extract some kind of clue from Carmilla.

They had reached her house now and were just standing before it, trying to prolong the night as usual.

Carmilla shrugged and looked Laura up and down. "Just wear something... Nice." She paused. "Not that this isn't nice, but-"

Laura grinned. "I know what you mean."

"Good." Carmilla's eyes seemed to soften as she gazed at Laura for a moment longer. "But really, you'd be stunning in anything."

Laura blushed. Smiling, she leaned forward and kissed Carmilla gently. 

As they pulled apart, Carmilla pressed a scrap of paper into her hand. "There."

Laura didn't bother looking at it, at least not right then. "I'll see you tomorrow," she whispered.

"I shall count the hours, my lady."

Laura let out a laugh and gave Carmilla another quick peck on the lips, then dashed up the stairs to the brownstone. 

Carmilla waited at the foot of the stairs until Laura was safely inside. Then, she turned around and began walking back to Midtown so she could find a place to sleep. 

Though that night one of them rested her body on a tempur-pedic mattress and the other lowered hers onto hard concrete, both of them dreamt sweet dreams about tomorrow.

* * *

For Laura, it seemed like work the next day was impossibly long. It dragged on and on for hours, hours which she filled with games of online solitaire and searches for "Carmilla" on Facebook interspersed with occasional short bursts of actual work. Seeing as she didn't have a last name to work with, the Facebook searches yielded pretty much nothing. Laura resolved to ask Carmilla her last name when she saw her that night.

At five, Laura clocked out, excitement bubbling within her. She took a cab home, knowing it would be faster than walking. She had to get ready for their date. She couldn't afford to lose any time.

After a quick shower, Laura blew her hair with her hairdryer until it was just slightly damp. If she didn't dry it all the way, it would develop a soft wave as it dried naturally. 

She returned to her bedroom and rifled madly through her closet, searching for something to wear. It was hard to dress to go somewhere when you had no idea where you were going.

Finally, she settled on her favorite little black dress. It was made of a slightly heavy material that clung to her in all the right places, but fell freely straight down once it was past her hips. She slipped into it and, after much stretching, straining, frustration, and cursing, managed to button it back up again.

She glanced at the clock as she slipped on a pair of black stilettos. Seven fifteen. The paper Carmilla had given her had specific address written on it, as well as instructions for Laura to meet her there at eight. If she wanted to make it on time, she'd need to hustle.

(Laura had considered searching the address on Google maps, but decided against it. She wanted to be surprised.)

Makeup next. Not much. She dusted some very light blush on her cheeks and reached for a tube of pale pink lipstick that sat on her vanity. It was her favorite shade and thus was well-used, the stick reduced to nothing but a nub now.

Next to it stood a fairly new lipstick, this one a sultry ruby red. Danny had bought it for her a few months ago, on her birthday. She'd only worn it once before, when Danny asked her to try it that same day.

(Danny had liked it.)

(She'd liked it a lot.)

(She kissed Laura hard.)

(It came off on Danny's lips.) 

(She kissed Laura's body.)

(She left red marks.)

Laura's hand wavered.

("Oh.")

("What?")

("Nothing, it's just...")

("Come on. What is it?")

("...That color is so goddamn sexy on you.")

Her fingers closed around the red stick instead.

She uncapped it and, in one fluid motion, swiped the stick across her lower lip before she changed her mind.

("Really?")

She rubbed her upper and lower lip together. The red pigment spread across the soft skin. She touched up the places not reached in the upper lip with light, careful dabs.

Laura smacked her lips together loudly and looked at her reflection in the mirror. Eyelashes curled. Cheeks flushed. Hair in waves around her face. 

Her red, red lips.

She remembered Carmilla's lips, stained from the wine, swollen from their kiss. Red.

("Really.")

* * *

Laura's cab pulled up to the address, in the heart of Tribeca, at seven fifty-three. After paying the cabbie, she stepped out onto the gum-stained sidewalk, wobbling slightly on the thin heels of the stilettos. She was not used to walking in them. (One would think she'd learned her lesson by now.)

Regaining her balance, Laura straightened and looked up at the place she'd arrived at. Her eyes widened in mild surprise.

It was a bar.

A classy bar. But a bar nonetheless.

The outside was painted black, with gold trim edging the door and the wide front window. A sign jutted out from the side of the building, creaking as it swung from a metal rod above her. It was also black. Painted on it in elegant gold script was the bar's name, The Lustig.

Laura looked around for Carmilla. She was nowhere to be seen. So Laura stepped closer to the window, figuring she'd try to scope out the place while she waited.

Through the window, she could spy a small stage off to the left in the corner formed where the window met the left wall. A mic stand was set up at the very front of it. Behind it stood a tall stool. Instruments and amps cluttered the rest of the stage, along with their owners who were busily tuning them. The floor was a jungle of wires and cords.

Small tables were scattered all over the floor of the bar, like in a café. They were all oriented to face the stage. There were no more than two or three chairs to a table. The bar itself was all along the right wall. Twinkle lights were draped above it, casting a yellowish glow down on shadows of liquor bottles. Otherwise, she couldn't see it very well.

A group of drunk patrons stumbled out of the bar and toward the cab she'd just exited. They were shouting and laughing. One of them, a woman, tripped over seemingly thin air and banged into a chalkboard easel propped up outside of the door. Her friends hollered and jeered as they helped her back up. Laura narrowed her eyes at it, unable to read it in the dim light, and stepped closer. 

Written in white chalk, in a loopy script, were the words "Open Mic Night, 8:30 PM".

"Hey."

Laura whirled around. Carmilla was coming up from behind her, a huge smile on her face. She wore a red and black plaid button-down over a tight black tank top and black jeans, and the same red converse she wore every day.

Laura looked down at her stilettos and felt vastly out of place. "Hi."

Carmilla snaked an arm around Laura's waist and pulled her in for a deep kiss. "You look beautiful."

"I'm overdressed."

"No, you're not," Carmilla sighed. "I'm underdressed. I...my washing machine's broken and I haven't had time to hit the laundromat."

"Oh." Laura looked slightly more at ease. "Okay." She smiled and leaned up to kiss Carmilla again. "But this top looks great on you anyway." 

Carmilla bit the inside of her cheek. Guilt was eating away at her.

_Liar,_ her brain admonished.

_What else am I supposed to do?_ she retorted.

_Don't lie to her._

_Shut up._

Her head began to pound, hard. She squeezed her eyes shut and willed the migraine to dissipate. 

When they pulled away, Laura was looking at her with concern. "Are you okay? You don't look so good."

"I'm fine."

"You sure?"

"Yes. So," Carmilla finally said, "I suppose you're wondering why I asked you here."

"I already figured it out," Laura said triumphantly.

Carmilla blinked. "You did?"

"We're going to get drunk and watch people perform." She gestured to the sign, as if to prove her point. "And I am so in favor of that. You would not believe the week I've had at work."

Relief flooded Carmilla. She still had no idea. "Yeah?" She raised her arm to rest around Laura's shoulders and pulled her in close to her side. "Well, you can tell me all about it over drinks."

They moved over to the entrance of the bar. Carmilla pushed the door open with her free hand and they headed inside.

The bar was dimly lit and smoky within. Soft jazz crooned from speakers somewhere. Laura reached a hand out and ran it over the wooden counter of the bar as they walked past it. The place felt remarkably like a speakeasy.

At the far end, a bartender wiped the counter in lazy, circular strokes. 

"Hey, Kirsch," Carmilla called.

The bartender looked up, then grinned. "Mircalla," he said cheekily. "Nice to see you back. Who's your friend?"

Laura looked up at Carmilla, confused. "What did he just call you?"

Carmilla simply winked at her and leaned back against the bar, her elbows bent behind her and resting on the counter. "Why don't you go grab a table? I'll be there in a few minutes."

Laura looked (understandably) suspicious, but she nodded and moved through the sea of tables and chairs to find an empty seat.

Carmilla watched her weave through the crowd, watched the way the black cloth of her dress shifted and moved with the curves of her body. Her figure grew hazy in the smoky air, but Carmilla could always see her as clearly as if she was standing before her now.

Laura turned back to Carmilla, and her honey hair flounced around and tumbled down her opposite shoulder. She gave Carmilla a thumbs-up before pulling out a chair and sitting down, facing the stage.

"Wow, you've got it bad."

"Fuck you," Carmilla said nonchalantly, knowing who it was without even turning around.

Kirsch laughed. "So, who is she? Your girlfriend? Your one-night stand? What?"

Carmilla finally turned around. The left corner of her mouth raised in her familiar smirk. "Someone who I've kept waiting for a drink for far too long."

"Fine. Don't tell me. Whatever." He turned around to grab some glasses. "What'll it be?"

"I'll have a Guinness-"

"Not for you. For her." He jerked his head in Laura's direction. "You get the same thing every damn time. You think I don't know by now?"

Carmilla just smiled down at the counter.

Kirsch leaned in closer. "You really like her, don't you?"

Carmilla looked up, and though she sounded angry her eyes were anything but. "Why don't you mind your own damn business and get me my beer?"

"And?"

"...and a glass of rosé."

"Coming right up."

* * *

_Mircalla._

_Mircalla._

_Who the hell is Mircalla?_

Ever since that bartender had called Carmilla by the wrong name, Laura hadn't been able to stop thinking about it. Maybe _Carmilla_ was actually the wrong name. Maybe she'd been lying about it this whole time. Oh god. If she lied about her name, who knew what else she'd lied about? But then why did she wink when Laura questioned her about it? She wasn't freaking out the way people usually did when they got caught in a lie. It was almost like she'd expected Laura's reaction-

The clinking of a glass on the table snapped Laura out of her spiral of bad thoughts. 

"Hey." Carmilla plopped down in the chair next to her, a tall black beer can in her hand. "I got you a drink."

Laura glanced at the glass. It was filled with a pale pink liquid. She smiled despite herself and took a sip. The tart, sweet taste of rosé flooded her tongue. "Mmm," she murmured. "Thank you."

Carmilla took a swig of her beer. "No problem."

"How'd you know?"

Carmilla shrugged. "You just seem like a pink-drink kind of girl."

Laura's eyes flashed indignantly. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Calm down, buttercup. You're cute. Kind of girly. But not in a bad way. That's all it means."

Laura huffed indignantly. "I'm not cute."

Carmilla smiled into her beer. "That's entirely untrue."

"Ugh. No. I mean, I'm not cute or girly! I don't only drink pink wine. I can drink real drinks too."

Carmilla chuckled. "I don't doubt it."

"Look. Give me that. I'll show you." She flexed her fingers in a grabbing motion, aimed at the beer in Carmilla's hand.

"It really isn't a big deal, creampuff. Just forget it."

"Well, now I have to do it."

Carmilla sighed and handed the beer over. "Fine."

Laura stared down into the little hole in the top of the can. She could barely see some tiny bubbles rising to the surface of the liquid. She hated beer. Absolutely, completely, thoroughly hated it. But now she had a point to prove. She couldn't back down now.

She couldn't think about it anymore. She lifted the can to her lips and threw her head back, taking a large gulp.

Carmilla winced as she watched. Guinness was not a beer one could just gulp down like that. It was way too strong.

Laura came to the exact same conclusion as the liquid fizzed in her mouth, thick and dark and so incredibly bitter. Why had she done this to herself? Why could she never leave well enough alone?

Her face scrunched up with the taste. It was truly awful. She swallowed hard, and the beer slid down her throat, coating it with that same dark, bitter flavor. 

"Not bad," she croaked.

Carmilla looked like she was trying not to laugh. "Sure."

Laura grabbed her rosé and sipped it greedily, relishing every moment as the wine wiped the taste of the beer from her mouth. Never again. Never, ever again.

"So, can I have my beer back now?"

"Take it." Laura thrust it back into Carmilla's hand. "Take it far away."

"I'm not going to say I told you so, but-"

"You told me so. I am-" Laura shuddered as she remembered the taste of the beer on her tongue. "I am acutely aware."

Carmilla couldn't control herself any longer and burst into laughter. "Maybe you should stick to the rosé," she said.

"You don't have to tell me twice." Laura suddenly remembered what she'd been thinking about moments before this whole fiasco. "Hey, that guy back there, the bartender, he called you-"

"Mircalla. I know."

_"Why?"_

Carmilla glanced at the clock on the wall. 8:28. It wouldn't be long now. "You'll see."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Laura huffed.

Suddenly, the spotlights above the stage were turned on, so that they shone directly down on the stool and mic stand. The light they cast was bluish white.

A hush fell over the crowd as a tiny man, wearing a bow tie and a sweater vest, walked onto the stage. He wrestled with the mic stand and finally got it pulled down to his height.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen and those in between. Welcome to The Lustig's weekly open mic night."

There was a round of polite applause. 

"As usual, we will start with those performers who have signed up in advance, and then for the rest of the night the stage will be open to anyone. We ask that you be courteous to the performers and choose to do your blackout drinking and subsequent vomiting elsewhere tonight."

A ripple of laughter spread through the crowd, starting with Laura's giggles. Carmilla looked over at her and smiled softly. Laura didn't see her.

"Now, please allow me to welcome the night's first performer, Janice Deering!"

 A mousy-looking girl with thick, black-framed glasses stood up and approached the mic. She cleared her throat loudly (and honestly, a bit pretentiously).

"Total hipster, this one," Carmilla whispered to Laura. "She's going to recite horrible poetry she wrote about an inanimate object in her home using way too many far-fetched metaphors in the most dramatic voice possible."

Laura looked like she was about to scold Carmilla, but then Janice started speaking.

"The lamp!" she exclaimed loudly.

A pause.

"Its brilliance fills my room, an ever-golden sun. When I pull the cord, it is dark." 

Another pause.

"Like the void!"

Another.

"The void you left...within my heart." Janice clutched at her chest theatrically with the last word and bowed her head, eyes shut.

Silence.

Laura turned her head slowly and stared at Carmilla, eyes wide, mouth open.

_Oh my god,_ she mouthed at her.

Carmilla took a sip of her beer, as smugly as humanly possible, and raised her eyebrows.

Finally, Janice raised her head. "Thank you." She left the stage.

More polite applause. Laura was biting her lip to keep from laughing. She knew it was rude, but the whole thing was just so funny. She glanced over at Carmilla, who just sat there looking pleased with herself and sipping her beer.

"You were totally right," Laura whispered.

"I know," Carmilla replied, smiling.

* * *

Two more poets, one bassist, one acoustic guitar player, and three singers later (though not in that order), Laura and Carmilla still sat there at their little table, clapping for the last performer. Laura's wineglass was empty. Carmilla had a little less than half of her beer left.

"I thought he was pretty good," Laura said softly, so as not to be heard under the applause.

"He was okay," Carmilla acquiesced. "But wait until you see who's going next."

"Who?"

"Another singer."

"Are they any good?"

"You'll love her."

The little man returned to the stage. "And now, for our last registered performer of the evening. She's a fan favorite and regular performer. So, without further ado, I give you... Mircalla!"

The crowd erupted into loud cheers and whistles in anticipation.

Carmilla rose from her chair and started walking towards the stage. The applause grew louder. She smiled at the audience and even waved a little.

Laura gaped at Carmilla. "Wait, what?"

Carmilla turned around and winked right at Laura before taking a seat on the stool.

As she adjusted the mic, the audience became quiet. A palpable energy crackled in the air. Something incredible was about to happen, and everyone knew it.

Carmilla coughed lightly, and tried to ignore the sting in her throat. "Hi."

A murmur of replies spread through the crowd.

"So, this is by The Smiths, and I'm pretty sure most of you know it." She turned around to face the band and gave a quick toss of her head, then said into the mic, "And this one goes out to...you know who." She stared pointedly at Laura.

Laura's mouth dropped open slightly, and her cheeks reddened.

The band started playing, and Carmilla started singing.

 

_"Take me out tonight_

_Where there's music and there's people_

_Who are young and alive."_

 

The crowd, the tables, the lights, the bar, the smoke... All of it faded away into darkness, until it was just the two of them alone in the black.

And Carmilla was singing only to Laura.

 

_"Driving in your car_

_I never never want to go home_

_Because I haven't got one-"_

 

Carmilla remembered the feeling of the concrete of the alley she'd slept in the night before on her back, hard and cold and unforgiving. She swallowed hard.

 

_"anymore."_

 

A breath.

 

_"Take me out tonight_

_Because I want to see people_

_And I want to see life."_

 

Carmilla closed her eyes briefly as memories flooded over her. Black curls. Flashing lights. Piercing shrieks. 

Rain.

 

_"Driving in your car_

_Oh please don't drop me home_

_Because it's not my home, it's their home_

_And I'm welcome no more."_

 

A sharp chord brought her little trip down memory lane to an abrupt halt. Her eyes flicked open and immediately found Laura, still sitting at their table. Leaning forward, hands clasped together tightly in her lap, staring at her with rapt attention and wonder in her eyes.

Carmilla smiled at her and launched into the chorus.

 

_"And if a double-decker bus_

_crashes in to us_

_To die by your side_

_is such a heavenly way to die."_

 

A small smile spread across Laura's lips, widening to a grin.

 

_"And if a ten ton truck kills the both of us_

_To die by your side,_

_Well the pleasure, the privilege is mine."_

 

Carmilla looked right at Laura with the last word before the music overtook her and she had to close her eyes again.

 

_"Take me out tonight_

_Take me anywhere, I don't care_

_I don't care, I don't care."_

 

She could feel it pulsating through her veins, filling her up from her feet to the very top of her head. She swayed a little on the stool, dizzy and alive.

 

_"And in the darkened underpass_

_I thought Oh God, my chance has come at last_

_But then a strange fear gripped me_

_And I just couldn't ask."_

 

Laura's grin melted, and her lower lip began to quiver. 

 

_"Take me out tonight_

_Oh take me anywhere, I don't care_

_I don't care, I don't care..."_

 

Her eyes watered. She blinked a few times to clear them, but instead only succeeded in squeezing out a few small tears. They rolled down her cheeks and fell into her lap.

 

_"Driving in your car_

_I never never want to go home_

_Because I haven't got one_

_No, I haven't got one."_

 

There was something so sad about Carmilla, something that Laura didn't understand. She'd noticed it from the day they met. But she didn't know what it was.

Singing songs like this didn't make her seem any happier.

 

_"And if a double-decker bus_

_crashes in to us_

_To die by your side_

_is such a heavenly way to die._

_And if a ten ton truck kills the both of us_

_To die by your side,_

_Well the pleasure, the privilege is mine."_

 

The lights had been dimming steadily throughout her set and now it was just one single light above Carmilla that was illuminated, the others long since extinguished.

 

_"Oh, there is a light and it never goes out_

_There is a light and it never goes out_

_Oh, there is a light and it never goes out_

_There is a light and it never goes out..."_

 

Her voice trailed off into a whisper as her head bowed downwards.

And then there was nothing but the band, playing a fading instrumental into a quiet room.

The last strum of the guitar echoed through the bar. 

For a moment, no one dared breathe, lest the silence be shattered.

Finally, Carmilla raised her head. "Thank you," she murmured into the mic.

Immediately, the crowd erupted into wild applause. 

Laura just sat there, tears drying on her cheeks. Stunned.

Carmilla slipped off her stool and returned to the table and Laura. As she sat back down, Laura furtively swiped at her face to remove the tears before she noticed. 

"Mircalla, huh?" she said, a little shakily, hoping to direct the attention off of herself. "Very inventive."

Carmilla laughed. "It's a stage name," she said. "I perform here every Friday, and I'm not interested in having anyone track me down."

Laura nodded, finally having controlled herself. It made sense now.

Carmilla bit her lip. Now for the question of the hour. "So, did you... did you like it?"

"No."

Carmilla's eyes shifted downwards. "Oh—"

Laura reached over the table and took her hand. Carmilla looked up and realized that Laura was smiling gently. Her eyes were warm. "I loved it."

Carmilla let out a breath. She felt her face heat up. It was thoroughly embarrassing. She was never one for getting flustered, much less blushing. 

"And I don't usually listen to the Smiths too much, but of course I knew that song," Laura continued, almost oblivious to the effect the praise was having on Carmilla. "You sang it so beautifully. Probably even better than Morrissey himself."

"Really?" Carmilla smiled shyly.

Laura got up out of her chair and plopped herself down on Carmilla's lap. "Really," she murmured with a solemn smile, taking Carmilla's cheeks in her hands.

For a moment, they just stayed there, looking into each other's eyes. Laura's face was eager and bright and full, and Carmilla's breath hitched. It had been a very long time since anyone had looked at her like that, with such genuine happiness.

Then, Laura's lips descended upon her own in a soft, sweet kiss. 

Carmilla smiled and leaned up into it, wrapping her arms around Laura's waist.

From the bar, Kirsch watched, shaking his head slowly and laughing to himself.

* * *

Shortly after that, the pair left the Lustig and headed for Laura's brownstone. The walk would be somewhat long, but neither of them minded. In fact, that was sort of the point. It only added to the time they would spend together. 

They held hands the whole way, only breaking apart when Laura had to make some kind of wild gesture that required both of her hands as she raved about Carmilla's performance. It was the hot topic of the night. She couldn't seem to wrap her mind around it.

Every so often Carmilla, overwhelmed with more happiness than she could ever remember feeling, would kiss Laura's head, her cheek, her hand (while it was still joined with Carmilla's own).

It was the most wonderful night they'd spent together.

But of course, they could not slow down the clock, and all too soon they found themselves once again standing before number 307 in all its russet glory.

Carmilla let go of Laura's hand and shuffled her feet a little. "Looks like we're here."

Laura glanced up at her building. "Yeah."

There was a pause, during which Carmilla stepped a little closer to Laura and Laura stepped a little closer to Carmilla so as to set themselves up for a proper goodnight kiss.

Laura's eyes kept running up and down Carmilla's body. She was noticing everything, in perfect technicolor crispness. The swell of her chest pushing out against her constricting black tank top. The way her jeans hugged her hips. The small sliver of skin on her side left uncovered as her shirt rode up, only revealed when her flannel flapped in the September night breeze. Her eyes, beckoning Laura closer. Her lips, soft and pale pink, begging to be kissed. 

And something inside of Laura snapped.

She crashed her lips onto Carmilla's and kissed her hard. Her arms moved up, hands interlocking behind Carmilla's neck. 

Carmilla's eyes widened in surprise, but she reciprocated with fervid intensity. Her arms immediately wrapped around Laura's waist as soon as their lips touched, a subconscious reflex. But they were unable to stay there for long; soon she was practically clutching Laura to her, pulling her in closer, tighter. 

Laura's hands lowered and came down onto Carmilla's back, palms pressing hard against it. They moved up and down, dancing over the fabric of Carmilla's flannel, as the kissing deepened. Carmilla's fingertips drifted across the small of Laura's back, sending a shiver down her spine.

When they at last broke apart, they were both breathing rather heavily.

Laura looked up at Carmilla, and Carmilla saw the desire burning in her eyes. 

"Inside," Laura breathed. "Now."

"O-Okay," Carmilla said, a little flustered. "Okay."

Laura grabbed Carmilla's hand and dragged her up the stairs and through the door. 

In seconds Carmilla was upon her. 

She pushed Laura right up against the wall, not too hard but hard enough, pinning one of Laura's arms above her head by the wrist. Her other hand had its fingers interlocked with those of Laura's free one. She was close enough that Laura could feel her breath on her cheek, could faintly smell the scent of that awful beer upon it.

Carmilla lowered her head and began to kiss Laura's neck. She sucked gently on the skin. Laura let out a soft moan.

"Ca-a-rm-"

"Mmm?" Carmilla muttered against her.

"Upstairs."

Reluctantly, Carmilla pulled away. "Fine." She released Laura's arm. "Though I'm not sure I can make it that far."

Laura's hair was mussed and her cheeks were flushed. She was panting a little. 

She looked up at Carmilla and winked. "Race you."

And she dashed away from Carmilla, towards the stairs, shedding her coat and heels as she went. 

Carmilla looked after her for a moment, slightly amused, before sighing and racing after her.

Up the wooden staircase. Around a corner. Down the hall. 

Carmilla caught sight of Laura entering a room and closing a door behind her. It was on the right, at the end of the short hallway. She headed down there and flung open the door.

Laura pounced on her as soon as she entered and began kissing her again. Carmilla kissed back, slipping her arms out of her flannel as she did. It fell to the ground behind her.

"This has to go," she murmured, fingering the fabric of Laura's dress.

"Take it off me," Laura breathed. She turned around and gathered up her hair with one hand, holding it out of the path of the zipper.

Carmilla inhaled deeply, then took the zipper between shaking fingers and pulled gently down.

The dress fell away from Laura's skin and pooled at her feet, revealing a lacy white bra and pink-and-white polka dot panties and an expanse of soft golden skin.

Laura turned back around and bit her lip, looking more nervous than coy. "Your turn."

Carmilla nodded and began to strip, rather unceremoniously. Tank first, and then pants. Solid black bra, solid black underwear.

Laura didn't waste any time before launching back into kissing. She pushed Carmilla back, back, back, until she was forced to lie back flat on Laura's bed. They kissed for a while longer, and then Laura broke apart and said, a little sheepishly, "Sorry to ruin the mood, but I _really_ have to use the bathroom."

Carmilla laughed. "Go right ahead, sweetheart. Wouldn't want you having an accident when we're right in the middle of things."

"That would really ruin the mood, wouldn't it?" Laura quipped, giggling as she left the room.

After she had gone, Carmilla exhaled, trying to catch her breath. This was not at _all_ where she had expected the night to take her.

Not that she was complaining, of course.

She gazed up at the ceiling. There were little things stuck to the plaster, and it looked like they were glowing. 

Stars, she realized. Glow-in-the-dark stars.

Carmilla heard a flush, and footsteps returning. She turned her head to the door, and in walked Laura.

Completely naked.

Carmilla stared at her and didn't make a sound.

Laura looked at Carmilla nervously, shifting from foot to foot. "Carm?"

Carmilla sat up slowly. She still didn't say anything.

Laura took a tentative step forward. When Carmilla didn't react in a negative way, she took another. And then another. And another.

Soon, she was standing right in front of Carmilla, who had remained silent this entire time.

"Say something," Laura whispered.

Carmilla placed her hands on Laura's hips and looked up at her with reverence.

"You're beautiful," she breathed.

Laura let out a shaky breath, all her fears dispelled. She leaned down and kissed Carmilla softly, forcing her back down on the bed again, with Laura laying atop her.

When they pulled apart, Carmilla looked into her eyes, searching for any hint of reluctance. "Are you sure you want to do this?"

Laura nodded fervently. "Yes."

Carmilla smiled. "Then you'd better buckle up, creampuff. We're in for quite a night."

Laura laughed and descended upon Carmilla slowly. Carmilla could see Laura's face, shining in the moonlight, suspended against a backdrop of glowing stars.

And then there was only Laura.

* * *

"Well, cupcake, I have to say, I didn't know you had it in you."

The two were laying in Laura's bed flat on their backs. It was late now, far past midnight. Mere minutes had passed since they'd finished.

For the third time.

Laura's chest was still heaving from the exertion. "I'm full of surprises," she said breathily.

She turned her head to the right to look at Carmilla, who in that instant turned her head to the left to look at Laura. They could have laughed at the uncanny synchronization of it all, but they knew, somehow, that the moment wasn't for laughs.

Moonlight came through the large window to the right of Laura's bed, illuminating Carmilla's face but shrouding Laura's in darkness.

Carmilla lifted a hand and gently tucked a strand of hair behind Laura's ear. She let her fingers trail down Laura's jawline until they reached her chin. "You're so beautiful," she murmured.

Laura smiled sleepily, her eyes taking in Carmilla's naked form above the blankets. "You're a goddess."

Carmilla laughed and inched closer. "Mmm." She threw an arm around Laura's waist, pulling her flush against her so she was spooning Laura. "So how was it for you, darling?" she whispered. Her breath tickled Laura's ear. 

"Three words," Laura sighed.

"Hm?"

"Best. Sex. Ever."

Carmilla gently nuzzled Laura's neck, smiling. "Nice to know I still got it."

Laura craned her neck around to see her face. "How was it for _you?"_

"So good that I want to do it again," Carmilla murmured as she pressed another kiss to Laura's lips.

Laura laughed quietly, then pulled away to yawn.

"You're tired," Carmilla said.

"I'm fine."

"No, it's all right. You should sleep." She kissed Laura's shoulder gently.

"Mkay," Laura mumbled, turning back over. 

Carmilla snuggled against her, an arm protectively over her waist, and pulled a blanket over them both. 

Laura stared at the bookshelf straight ahead of her as her eyelids slowly drooped shut. Everything melded together in her mind into one giant mush of wonderful. She'd never liked anybody this much before. Not even Danny.

She bit her lip. "Carm?"

"Yes, creampuff?"

We've only known each other for a week but I think I'm in love with you.

It was her last lucid thought.

And thus, instead of a response, Carmilla got silence, and then a soft snore.

She chuckled and kissed Laura's head. "Sleep well, love."

Carmilla closed her eyes slowly, reluctant to allow sleep to overtake her, knowing it would bring an end to one of the best days of her life.

The stars on the ceiling glowed steadily, doing their best to cast their light on the two lovers.

* * *

Laura awoke on Saturday, the tenth of September, at eleven in the morning. The sunlight had grown too bright for her to ignore. She yawned, stretching her arms up and back towards the headboard. "Good morning, Carm."

There was no answer. 

"Carm?"

Laura opened her eyes fully. The bed beside her was empty. She ran her hands over the sheets where Carmilla had been. They were still warm.

Out of the corner of her eye, she spotted something red on the floor. Carmilla's flannel. A few feet away lay her tank and pants.

Laura let out a breath of relief. Carmilla was still here. 

Not bothering to get dressed, Laura pulled a bedsheet around her and padded downstairs. 

She found Carmilla in the kitchen, naked. She was bent over, looking in the fridge, and frowning at its contents.

Laura came up on her from behind, wrapping her arms around Carmilla's waist and curving her body forward over Carmilla's back. "Morning."

"You're up." Carmilla smiled and placed her hands on Laura's, where they were joined over Carmilla's bellybutton. 

Laura rested her head on Carmilla's shoulder, looking to the sparsely-stocked fridge with her. "What are you doing down here?"

"Well, I was hoping to make you breakfast and surprise you, but you don't have anything even remotely resembling a vegetable in there." She gestured at the fridge's empty interior and straightened up, shutting the door. "Why do you even have this thing?"

"Mostly for leftover takeout. I can't cook to save my life, so I eat out pretty much all the time."

Carmilla raised an eyebrow, smirking suggestively. "Why, aren't you a dirty little girl."

Laura laughed and smacked her on the shoulder. "You're so terrible!"

"I try."

Shifting her bedsheet around her, Laura smiled and put her arms around Carmilla's neck. "It was really sweet of you to try to make me breakfast."

"'Try' being the key word."

"Well, it's not your fault I'm so incredibly lazy." Laura leaned up and kissed her. 

When she pulled away, she slid her hands down so they rested on Carmilla's chest just above her breasts, palms down flat against her skin. "How about we get dressed and go grab a bite? I know a great place a few blocks from here."

Carmilla didn't respond. She was clutching her head, and her eyes were shut tight.

"Carmilla? Are you okay?"

"Ugh...yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Just a migraine." She opened her eyes. "I think I'm actually just going to go. I haven't been feeling so great recently. I think I'm coming down with something."

Laura's brows knit together. She reached a hand up and felt Carmilla's forehead. "Oh, no. I think you have a fever." Her voice was full of concern.

Carmilla groaned inwardly. Sick and homeless. Great.

"I'm probably just getting a cold," she said, trying to ease Laura's worry. "But with everything we did, I probably gave it to you."

Laura grinned. "Don't you worry about me. I have an immune system of steel. I haven't gotten sick since I was ten."

Carmilla sighed. "Okay. Well, I should go."

Laura nodded. "Yeah. It's probably best for you to get some rest at home." 

Home.

Carmilla looked down at her bare feet and said nothing.

Laura unwrapped the bedsheet from around herself.

"What are you doing?"

Laura draped the sheet around Carmilla and pulled it tightly together in the front. "It's cold in here. It'll only make you sicker."

Carmilla's heart ached. Laura was wonderful. She didn't deserve it. Any of it.

"Come on," Laura said softly, putting an arm around her. "Let's get you upstairs so you can get dressed."

* * *

Carmilla stood in the doorway, dressed, staring out at the dark clouds rolling in over the city. She frowned at them in what she hoped appeared like defiance, to hide the more accurate terror she was really feeling upon seeing them.

"Hey," Laura called, jogging down the stairs. She'd taken longer than Carmilla to get dressed, since she had other clothes to choose from. "You aren't leaving without saying goodbye, I hope?"

She tried to keep her voice steady, but on the word _goodbye_ , it wavered.

Carmilla didn't notice. "Of course not." She turned to face Laura. "Just getting some fresh air."

Laura pouted playfully and wrapped her arms around Carmilla's neck, her favorite position. "Are you sure you don't want to stay here for a little bit? It looks like it's going to rain."

Carmilla felt the lead ball of her secret weighing even heavier in her stomach than usual. "No, cutie, it's fine. I'll take the subway and be there in no time."

Laura sighed. "Okay." She leaned up. "One last kiss for good luck."

"Good luck with what?"

Laura kissed her, long and deep.

When they finally pulled apart, Laura shrugged. "Everyone needs a little luck," she whispered.

_Some more than others,_  Carmilla thought.

They stood there a few minutes more until finally, Carmilla detached Laura's arms from around her neck. "I should get going, before the rain starts."

"Okay." Laura paused. "Actually, wait a minute." She dashed off into the kitchen. 

Carmilla stood there, not at all impatiently, wishing she didn't have to leave.

Laura returned barely a second later. She pressed a piece of paper into Carmilla's hand. "Here. Before I forget again."

Carmilla unfolded it. Written on it in was a phone number, in bright red ink.

She pursed her lips, unsure of what to say. "Laura, I-"

"Carm, if you're gonna go, you should probably go now. Those clouds look pretty bad."

Carmilla sighed and shoved the paper in her pocket. "All right."

"Feel better, okay?"

"Thanks." She leaned in and kissed Laura's forehead. "Bye, Laura."

Laura blushed, a small smile on her face. "Bye."

Now at the bottom of the stairs, Carmilla waved, and then walked away out of Laura's line of sight.

Laura stayed there a little longer, watching the sky darken through the reddening trees and grinning like an idiot. She was the happiest person alive.

A few raindrops began to fall, speckling the pavement with dark wet spots. 

She hoped Carmilla could outrun the rain.

* * *

Thunder boomed, loud and menacing, as Carmilla shivered violently on the cold wet cement.

She had walked for approximately an hour through a light drizzle, trying to get as far away from Laura's house as she could, before the skies opened up. She had been drenched to the bone by the torrential downpour as she searched for shelter.

Currently, she was huddled beneath a set of stairs leading up to what she supposed was the High Line. She hadn't realized she had walked all the way to Chelsea until she saw it through the rain.

This had been a truly horrible idea. Why hadn't she just stayed with Laura?

Carmilla coughed harshly. She could feel herself growing sicker. She hoped it was just a cold and nothing more, but deep down she knew it was worse than that.

As the rain poured down, Carmilla closed her eyes, trying to stem the fear that seized her with every flash of lightning and crack of thunder, and thought of Laura instead.

* * *

Carmilla didn't even realize she'd fallen asleep until she jolted awake sharply, woken by the honking of a truck horn. 

It was dark now. The rain had lessened, but was still falling steadily. Carmilla stared at the cobblestones paving the street. They glimmered with the light from the stores. They seemed to dance and slide together before her eyes. 

Her head was spinning and pounding at the same time. Her throat was on fire. She looked away, to her knees. Her jeans were soaked through. What she wouldn't give for some dry clothes. She'd accidentally left her things in the back room of The Lustig, where she put them before she performed. They were probably still there. She'd have to go back and get them.

She rose slowly and took a step forward.

Lights swam before her eyes, distorted by the rain. Dizziness overtook her and she collapsed, landing hard on the wet pavement. 

All right. So she wouldn't be going anywhere today.

She crawled beneath the stairs again, backing into the furthest corner. She wished she'd stayed with Laura.

Laura.

Carmilla shoved her hand into her pocket, feeling around frantically for the scrap of paper Laura had given her. She had a few quarters in her other pocket. She could find a pay phone, call her, ask if she could come over. She'd find a way to get back to her house.

But when she finally pulled the paper out of her pocket, her shoulders slumped in defeat.

It had gotten soaked along with the rest of Carmilla. The red ink had bled throughout the paper, rendering the number illegible. It was barely anything but a pink pulpy mess.

Carmilla dropped it on the wet pavement as she was overtaken by a fit of coughing. She cupped her hands over her mouth and waited for it to end. When she removed them, she stared at them in horror. 

They were red with blood.

Carmilla curled up into a shivering ball and began to cry.

* * *

From her kitchen table, Laura watched a line of lightning crackle across the sky. She sighed and took a sip of her tea.

She remembered the way Carmilla had looked at her that night, how she had called Laura beautiful.

Laura smiled. She couldn't wait to see her again. And she knew she would. Of course she would.

She'd made sure to give Carmilla her phone number this time, after all.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's title came from "Queen of Peace" by Florence + The Machine (my favorite song off the new album).
> 
> Well, that chapter was a ride. I'm so mean to Carmilla. I'm sorry. But not that sorry. >:D


	6. i'm going out, i'm gonna drink myself to death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Featuring tequila, lullabies, and a hell of a lot of lies.

October 9. One month later.

 

"You can't keep doing this."

Laura looked up at Danny with dull eyes. "Doing what?"

Danny gestured at Laura with a hand. She was a sorry sight, curled up in her bed under a blanket, surrounded by crumpled tissues and junk food wrappers. "This. Moping. Like you've been for weeks."

"I'm not moping."

"I don't know what your definition of moping is, but it's definitely not the same as mine." She sat on the edge of the bed. "Come on, Laura. Talk to me."

Laura rolled over so her back was facing Danny and said nothing.

Danny groaned inwardly. Both Perry and LaFontaine had each tried to rouse her in the days prior, but she'd only gotten worse since then.

"Is this about that girl? Because honestly, Laura, if you're still hung up on someone you met one time a month and a half ago-"

"Not once."

Danny frowned in confusion. "What?"

Laura sighed and sat up. "I met her again."

Danny smiled, and hoped it seemed sincere. "Well, that's great! Then what's the problem?"

"The day after we had sex for the first time, she disappeared and I haven't seen her since. I kept thinking she would come back, but it's been so long..." Laura's voice broke. "She used me for sex, Danny."

"Hon, I'm sure that's not-"

"She stayed with me until she could get what she wanted and then she just ditched me. Like I was nothing." She promptly burst into tears and flung herself back down on her pillow.

Danny scooted closer. "Oh, Laura..." 

She gingerly placed a hand on Laura's back. When Laura didn't flinch away, she rubbed it over her in small circles. "Hey, look at me for a second."

Laura turned her neck a little so she could just see Danny.

"What she's done to you is terrible. But you need to realize that if she did this, she is not a good person, no matter how wonderful she seemed. So..." Danny paused, unsure of how to continue without seeming insensitive. "It's better you found out sooner rather than later, when it would hurt so much more."

Laura sat up again and leaned against Danny. Tears streamed down her face. "It hurts a lot now."

"I know it does," Danny murmured. She wrapped her arm around Laura and rocked her back and forth gently. "I know."

Danny let Laura cry against her for a few minutes before she finally looked down at her and smiled. "What you need is to unwind. Have some fun. Forget about all this."

Laura straightened up, sniffling. "And how do I do that?"

Danny grinned. "Oh, I have a few ideas."

* * *

That was how, three hours later, Laura ended up dancing on a table in a nightclub after her tenth tequila shot.

"Maybe you should slow down," Perry (who was pretty much always the designated driver) fussed, clutching at Laura's bare leg.

"Maybe you should speed up," Laura slurred. "Ooh, thanks!" She downed her eleventh shot, handed up to her by an only slightly inebriated LaFontaine.

Perry glared at them. "Do you really think that's smart?"

They shrugged. "She's had a rough month. What kind of friend would I be if I denied her self-medication?"

"More like self- _destruction_." Perry let out a small squeal of alarm as Laura teetered very close to the edge of the table and threw her arms up to prevent her from falling. "No! No, sweetie. Back up. That's right."

Danny returned to the group carrying a few small glasses, her state of drunkenness somewhere between LaFontaine's and Laura's. "Moooooooore shots!" she announced cheerfully.

"No more shots!" Perry begged.

"Yay!" Laura grinned manically, bending down to pick one up. Both Danny and LaFontaine took one as well, and they took the shots at the same time.

After swallowing, Danny whistled. "Wow. That's good."

"So good," Laura chimed.

"I bet this is way better than losing your mind over that whore of an ex, right?"

Laura's face fell, but in her drunken state Danny was unable to realize that she'd said something wrong. "She's not a whore."

Danny threw her arms up in the air, rolling her eyes. "Well, hell, Laura, I don't know what else to call someone who uses people for sex!"

LaFontaine and Perry exchanged worried looks.

Laura's eyes shone with tears. "I wanna get down." She looked at each of them, whipping her head around frantically. "I wanna get down!"

"Okay. Okay, sweetie. Let's get you down." Perry reached up and took her hand. Danny reached for the other, but Laura pulled it away.

Perry helped her down off of the table and onto a chair dutifully held in place by LaFontaine, and then onto the busy dance floor. The thick crowd pulsed around them to the loud, steady beat of the music.

Laura seemed incredibly agitated. "It's hot in here," she gasped. Her breathing was beginning to speed up.

Perry was holding onto her arm and looking at her with concern. "Laura, are you all right?"

"It's hot," Laura repeated. "I- I don't-"

Swaying a little on her feet, Laura moved through the crowd. She was starting to sweat.

Perry followed dutifully. "Maybe you need some fresh air. Do you want to go outside?" 

People. So many people. None of them the one.

There. At the edge of the crowd. Red flannel. Wavy black hair.

Moving towards the door.

Her heart raced.

"Laura?" Perry tugged gently on her arm.

Laura's eyes widened, and she stared at Perry's hand like she'd never seen it before. "I- I can't- I have to-"

She yanked her arm out of Perry's grasp and dashed for the door, and was soon swallowed in the crowd.

"Laura!" Perry tried to follow, but by the time she made it to the door, Laura was gone.

* * *

Hoisting her backpack over her shoulder, Carmilla left Kirsch's apartment with a heavy heart.

It had taken much pleading and begging to convince him she was well enough to leave, as well as quite a bit of lying. But she did what she had to do.

At least, that's what she told herself.

Carmilla had suffered through her illness on the streets for two weeks before Kirsch found her, and in that time she'd almost starved to death. Not only did she not have her ukulele, but her voice was shot since she'd taken ill, and thus she had no way of earning money.

The dizziness subsided for a short period of time, during which she was able to walk again. She'd managed to make it to an alleyway behind what she'd thought was a restaurant close to the end of the second week (and, she'd thought, her life). Delirious with fever, she didn't realize she was actually behind The Lustig. Kirsch found her when he was taking out the trash one night on his shift and immediately took her to his place, where he slowly nursed her back to health.

When she was feeling better and could actually form a coherent sentence, he described to her the severity of what she had had. She asked him why he never took her to the hospital. He looked embarrassed, and said that it had never actually occurred to him.

Classic Kirsch, she thought, shaking her head.

But she knew she'd be dead if it weren't for the big dope.

He almost didn't let her leave tonight. She knew he was incredibly close to asking her to stay with him. So she told him that she was going to stay with her sister for a while. Being Kirsch, he bought it immediately.

Carmilla felt awful about lying to him, but she couldn't stay with him anymore. Her pride wouldn't let her.

So now, here she was, wandering the streets with her head down, looking for a quiet (and hopefully warm) place to spend the night.

She pegged her location to likely be somewhere in the West Village, judging from the amount of gay bars and nightclubs she passed. It was a Friday evening, so many of the establishments were quite busy.

She wondered what Laura was doing.

The thought was immediately followed by a sharp pang in her heart.

Carmilla knew the pain Laura must have gone through during the past month, thinking Carmilla had just left her without so much as a goodbye. She knew it all too well.

But she also knew she couldn't just show up in Laura's life again so suddenly, and without a good explanation for what had happened. (She figured that "I'm homeless and almost died in an alley" probably wouldn't go over so well.) The only option was more lying, and that wasn't fair to her or Laura.

And so, as painful as it was, Carmilla knew she had to let Laura go.

The thought of never seeing her again made Carmilla wish she _had_ died, but she knew it was the right thing to do.

These were her thoughts the moment a small, dirty-blonde, very drunk girl crashed into her.

On instinct, Carmilla grabbed her waist to steady her. 

The girl jumped when Carmilla touched her, like she'd just realized she'd plowed right into someone, and then backed up, looking down.

"Sorry," the girl slurred, her voice more sob than voice. "I'm so sorry." She craned her neck around Carmilla's body, trying to see past her, and swallowed to collect herself. "I'm looking for-"

Upon seeing her face, Carmilla did a double take. 

Tight black dress with large cutouts, revealing her stomach and back. High hooker heels. Gold hoop earrings. Matching gold clutch. Dark eyeshadow and pink lips. Mascara streaming down her cheeks. Stumbling, crying. The scent of hard alcohol on her breath.

This wasn't her.

And yet, it was.

"Laura?"

Laura looked up, taking a closer look at Carmilla, and her eyes widened. _"You."_

Instantly, her face contorted in anger, and she began to beat against Carmilla's chest with her fists and clutch (rather weakly, but with conviction), sobbing all the while. "You left me! You just left me! How could you? How _could you?"_

"I know," Carmilla murmured. "I'm sorry."

"Where did you go? Why didn't you come back?" Laura was still yelling and hitting, but was losing her vigor. Tears flooded down her cheeks.

"Laura, please, calm down." Carmilla tried to take her wrists, but Laura ripped them from her grasp and continued the weak assault, shouting drunkenly at Carmilla. Carmilla stood there and took it, making no move to stop her. She knew it was what she deserved.

Soon, though, Laura's blows became further apart in time, and slower. After landing one final, soft punch, her fists slipped down Carmilla's chest, no more fight left in her. She dissolved completely into tears. 

Carmilla cautiously wrapped her arms around Laura. Laura didn't protest and leaned her head against Carmilla's chest, sobbing furiously. Carmilla held her tightly, bringing her close against her body, and buried a small kiss in her hair.

Laura looked up at Carmilla, who had tears of her own glistening in her eyes. As she spoke, her voice cracked. 

"Did I even mean anything to you?" she sobbed softly.

Carmilla opened her mouth to reply, but then thought better of it. "You're drunk."

Laura simply cried harder. 

"Because of you," she gasped.

The words hit Carmilla like a bullet. She closed her eyes, and the tears leaked out. 

But that was all. There was no time for anything more.

Carmilla wanted to deliver Laura back to her friends and let them handle this, but didn't know which bar Laura had come out of, and Laura was in no state to tell her. So the only other option was to take Laura home herself. 

She hailed a cab and helped Laura in, cursing under her breath as she did so. It was not an easy task; Laura was no longer crying but was so drunk that she was unable to walk without swaying dangerously or toppling over.

"All right. In you go," Carmilla sighed, lifting Laura's feet into the car with one final heave. She slid in beside her and told the cabbie the address, then collapsed back against the black leather seat with an exhausted huff.

Laura immediately snuggled up close against Carmilla, apparently having forgotten she'd ever been mad at her. Carmilla's heart thumped loudly in her chest, thinking she had been forgiven, until she heard Laura let out a loud snore. 

_She doesn't even know it's me. I'm nothing more than her pillow,_  Carmilla realized, gazing down at Laura's slumbering body. 

She leaned her head against the window and watched the sidewalks and streetlights whizz by. The glass was cool on her skin. It helped some to soothe her jangled nerves.

Carmilla looked down at Laura again, and then closed her eyes.

With them shut, she could pretend that this was all there was. Her and Laura. Sleeping.

No secrets, no tears, no lies, no heartbreak.

Just her and Laura, in this peaceful darkness.

* * *

When the cab pulled up in front of Laura's brownstone, Carmilla began another arduous task, this one that of rousing and extricating Laura from the cab. 

Laura was a rather stubborn person to begin with, and combined with the tequila, she was about as willing to budge as a rock. It finally took Carmilla making a bribe (that she didn't intend to keep) of more alcohol if Laura would just "get out of the damn cab!" to get her up.

And then she nearly fell back down again, as her legs (frustrated with the alcohol-muddled signals from her brain) had given up now.

Carmilla immediately wrapped an arm around her to keep her from falling. "Whoa. Easy."

Laura started giggling. "Hey, buy me a drink first."

"I think you've had quite enough, cupcake."

Carmilla bent down as best she could, while still keeping a solid grip on Laura, and rummaged around with a hand in her backpack, which sat on the curb. She opened the yogurt container and removed some of the larger bills, and handed them to the driver. She gave him a rather large tip, figuring he deserved it for being so patient.

After the cab left, Laura was still giggling like mad. Carmilla picked up her things from the curb and readjusted her grip on Laura, then started for the stairs.

If getting Laura out of the car had been bad, getting her up the stairs was nothing short of a nightmare. She couldn't balance herself, and her shoes didn't help, so Carmilla had to hold her tightly and practically lift her up each step. 

It didn't take long before Carmilla got fed up with it all. 

She took them both back down to the bottom of the stairs and removed her backpack, then squatted down low.

"Okay, creampuff, up you go."

Laura stared at her in drunken confusion, wobbling on her heels. "Wha?" 

"Get on my back."

Laura's face lit up in a childlike way. "Piggyback ride?"

"Yes. Piggyback ride."

The next noise out of Carmilla's mouth was a loud grunt as Laura launched herself onto her back.

"Someone likes piggyback rides," Carmilla grumbled, grabbing the strap of her backpack with one hand and rising with some effort.

Laura's arms tightened around her neck. Her head was resting on Carmilla's shoulder, nestled in the mass of her hair. When she spoke, her breath smelled strongly of alcohol. "My mommy used to give me piggyback rides all the time."

Carmilla paused. She could feel wetness on her neck.

She shook her head slightly to snap herself out of it. "That's nice," she said, beginning the much quicker climb up the stairs.

"I miss her."

"I'm sure you do."

"You're nice, Carm."

A lump rose in Carmilla's throat. She didn't say anything.

"I'm tired."

"I know. We're going to get you to bed soon."

"M'kay."

Carmilla and her cargo had reached the door by now. She reached for the knob.

It was locked.

"Hey Laura?"

"Yeaaaah?"

"Can you give me your keys?"

"Hands busy." Laura thumped her hands against Carmilla's neck to prove it. She was holding the clutch in one hand and holding the wrist of that hand with her other, to keep herself from falling off.

Carmilla sighed and reached up, taking the gold clutch from Laura herself. She popped the clasp open and pawed through it, looking for the keys.

She didn't like doing this. It was a gross invasion of Laura's privacy, and it made Carmilla feel incredibly uncomfortable. But she had no choice. Laura wasn't about to do it herself any time soon.

Laura's phone lay inside, blocking a majority of the clutch's interior and contents. Carmilla picked it up to move it.

The lock screen was illuminated with calls and text messages. A few of them, from someone named Danny, caught Carmilla's eye.

 

**Laura, forget about her and come back 2 the club**

**That bitch isn't worth it. U know she's not**

**She obviously didn't care about u enough 2 come back 4 u**

**Remember all the days u spent crying over her?**

**It was terrible to c u in that kind of pain.**

**U shouldn't bother chasing after someone who broke ur heart like that.**

 

Carmilla bit her lip hard, trying to keep the tears at bay. What she did was horrible, and she knew that very well, but she had never truly understood just how horrible. And now this Danny, whoever he or she was, had told her.

Danny, who undoubtedly had feelings for Laura. Even through texts, Carmilla could glean that much.

As she shoved the phone back into Laura's clutch, her fingers brushed something that jingled under her touch. The keys.

She pulled out the key ring, with exactly four keys on it, and snapped Laura's clutch closed, then tried to hand it back to her. But Laura wouldn't take it.

Because she was asleep again.

Carmilla sighed and hoisted Laura a little higher on her back, then stepped forward and tried each of the keys in the first of two locks on Laura's door. Finally, she got it unlocked, and with Laura somehow still hanging on, even in slumber, Carmilla started up the second set of stairs.

Then, it was down the hall to the master bedroom. Carmilla pushed the door open and paused before she entered, not wanting to soil the plush carpet with her ratty sneakers that had been God only knew where for the past few weeks. But she couldn't very well take them off right now, so she forged on ahead, wincing with every step she took.

At last, she reached Laura's bed. She turned around and eased Laura off of her, then laid her gently on the duvet.

Laura stirred a little, though she didn't open her eyes.

"Car..." she murmured.

"Shh," Carmilla whispered, crossing the room to Laura's dresser. She removed an oversized grey t-shirt and plaid pajama pants from the top drawer, and brought them back to the bed. 

"All right, sweetie, I'm gonna need you to sit up for me, okay?" Carmilla brought a hand behind Laura's back and raised her up slowly to a sitting position. Laura's head lolled, and she made a small noise of discontent.

Carmilla felt around behind Laura for the zipper to her dress, but there was none. She'd have to pull it off. 

So, she bunched the fabric together around Laura's thighs and rolled it upwards to her midriff, then pulled straight up. Laura grunted and lifted up her arms so as to be out of the way of all the pulling, making Carmilla's job much easier.

Now the dress was off, and there Laura sat, nearly naked and half asleep, and so beautiful. Carmilla tried not to look at her.

She dressed Laura tenderly, not wanting to wake her more than she already was, then left her sitting there and went downstairs to the kitchen.

She returned with a glass of water and sat on the bed beside Laura. She lifted the glass to Laura's lips. "Drink."

Laura shook her head. " 'm not thirsty."

Carmilla simply held the glass there, unmoving.

Finally, Laura gave in and drank. Carmilla didn't remove the glass until all the water was gone. Then, she placed the glass on Laura's nightstand and peeled back the duvet. She laid her gently back down on the bed. Laura's head sank into the yellow pillowcase, and she relaxed completely.

Carmilla pulled the duvet over her and watched as she burrowed into the sheets, sleepy and content. Her breathing slowed. She looked perfectly at peace. Carmilla wanted to remember her like this forever.

As an afterthought, she bent down and planted a soft kiss on Laura's forehead. 

A tear she didn't realize she had shed dropped from her face and landed on Laura's cheek.

Carmilla rose and turned to leave.

"Carm," Laura mumbled.

She stopped. Turned back around. "Yes, cupcake?"

"Don't go."

Carmilla smiled at her sadly. "I have to."

"Please." Laura rolled over so she was facing Carmilla. "Stay."

Carmilla inhaled deeply, and then nodded. 

Laura closed her eyes again. 

Carmilla sat down on the floor right beside the bed, thinking it wouldn't be right for her to sleep in that bed with Laura. Not now. Not like this.

Laura dangled her hand down the side of the bed. Carmilla took it, and gently stroked the knuckles of Laura's hand with her thumb.

"Carm?"

"Hm?"

"I can't sleep."

Carmilla leaned her head against the side of the mattress. "What can I do, darling?"

"My mother... I had nightmares a lot as a child, and when I couldn't sleep, she would sing. She had the most beautiful voice, Carm. It was a lot like yours." Her voice was slow, sleepy.

Carmilla looked up at where she supposed Laura was. She couldn't see Laura's face. She could imagine it, but it would never be as good as the real thing. 

"Would you like me to sing to you?"

"If you don't mind," Laura whispered.

Carmilla squeezed her hand gently. "Of course not." She lightly cleared her throat, and searched her mind for a perfect song.

It didn't take her long.

 

_"Sing me to sleep_

_Sing me to sleep_

_I'm tired and I,_

_I want to go to bed._

_Sing me to sleep_

_Sing me to sleep_

_And then leave me alone_

_Don't try to wake me in the morning_

_'Cause I will be gone."_

 

Carmilla's voice, light and soft, floated up to Laura,

 

_"Don't feel bad for me_

_I want you to know_

_Deep in the cell of my heart_

_I will feel so glad to go."_

 

Laura's eyes drifted shut, and she let Carmilla's voice carry her away into a world of dreams.

 

_"Sing me to sleep_

_Sing me to sleep_

_I don't want to wake up_

_On my own anymore._

_Sing to me_

_Sing to me_

_I don't want to wake up_

_On my own anymore."_

 

Carmilla felt Laura's hand loosen its grip on hers, then slacken entirely. She let it go. It swung a little. She watched it move back and forth, slowing with each swing until at last it stopped and just dangled there. 

The tears began to fall, and she let them.

 

_"Don't feel bad for me_

_I want you to know_

_Deep in the cell of my heart_

_I really want to go."_

 

Laura was good and asleep now. Carmilla knew that. But she kept singing. And it was no longer to Laura, but instead to an empty room and darkness.

And herself.

 

_"There is another world_

_There is a better world_

_Well, there must be_

_Well, there must be_

_Well, there must be_

_Well, there must be."_

 

Must there be?

There had never been before.

 

_"Well..."_

 

She rose now, slowly, and walked towards the door, all while singing the last few words.

 

_"Bye, bye_

_Bye, bye."_

 

A pause at the door. A last glance. A last note.

 

_"Bye..."_

 

And Carmilla realized she couldn't do this again.

* * *

Laura woke the next day at twelve-fifty with a splitting headache and a blank space where the night before should have been.

She didn't move after waking, not one bit. She just lay there in her bed, staring at the ceiling and wishing it would stop spinning.

"Jesus Christmas," she groaned, rubbing her eyes with her palms.

The last thing she remembered was Danny handing her a shot at the club, and then nothing. She supposed she'd gotten blackout drunk and Danny had carted her home. It was the most likely explanation as to why she was here, in her house, in her pj's, instead of lying passed-out in an alley or some stranger's bed somewhere.

Laura managed to roll over to face her nightstand, though not without an incredible protest from her pounding brain. When she saw what sat on it, her brow furrowed, and then she grinned. 

A tall glass of water, two Advils, and a folded piece of paper standing up like a tent with her name written on it. 

Danny had really outdone herself this time.

Laura sat up slowly, wincing at her headache, and waited a moment to see if last night's drinks going to make a reappearance. If it was going to happen at all, it would happen now. She had gotten drunk enough times at this point in her life to know her hangover routine like clockwork.

When nothing happened, she exhaled in relief and reached for the pills and water. She tossed them back easily and downed the glass, then reached for the note.

Laura hesitated. She ought to text Danny, to thank her for everything she'd probably done. The undoubtedly sweet note could wait.

Her eyes searched the room for her clutch, and she spotted it on top of her dresser.

She groaned, but rose slowly (and shakily) and managed to make it across the room. She popped open her clutch and reached in, plucking out her phone.

When she turned on the screen, it lit up with text messages and missed calls and voicemails abound, most from Danny asking where she was.

What?

Laura frowned confusedly. Didn't Danny bring her home? Why would she have texted Laura if she had?

She unlocked it and opened up her texts with Danny. 

Her mouth dropped open as she read all the texts Carmilla had been reading hours earlier.

She had left the club to chase after Carmilla? What would Carmilla have been doing in a nightclub?

Then again, she had been drunk. It could have been someone who looked like her. Yes, that was possible. It was entirely possible.

But then, who brought her home, if not Danny? Judging from Perry and LaFontaine's texts, they were even more clueless as to where she'd gone than Danny, so it couldn't have been them.

That only left one other person.

Laura stumbled back to her bed as if in a daze. With shaky hands, she reached for the note again and began to read it.

 

_Laura,_

_I know you may not remember last night. Don't worry. Nothing happened. But just because you forgot doesn't mean I did._

_I want to see you. Meet me at Columbus Circle at two. If you don't come, it means you never want to see me again._

_And after what I did, I wouldn't blame you._

_-Carmilla_

 

Laura inhaled sharply. "Holy Hufflepuff."

* * *

Danny Lawrence was leaving her bathroom after a horrific rejection of last night's drinks when her phone rang.

She snatched it up from her desk and answered immediately. "Laura?"

"Hey."

"Oh thank god you're okay. Laura, we were all so worried."

"I know. But I'm home now. I'm okay."

Danny let out a breath. "Good. I'm glad."

"I'm sorry I ran off. I wasn't really thinking straight."

"No, I'm the one that should be sorry." Danny sighed before continuing. "I said some pretty awful things to you last night."

"You were drunk. I was drunk. It was just a bad situation. Don't worry about it."

"Okay. I really am sorry, though."

"It's fine, really. Besides, it all worked out in the end." Laura paused. "I think."

"Oh no. I know that tone. What happened?"

"It turns out I may have run into Carmilla last night after I left the club."

"You what?"

"And I think she's the one who brought me home."

"She what?"

"She left me water and pain meds and this note and she wants me to meet her in an hour and I'm kind of freaking out."

Danny sat down slowly on her bed. "Well, at least you're not going to go."

There was a pause.

"Wait, are you?"

"Danny, she's been gone for a month. I need to give her a chance to explain. I need to know _why."_

"You can't seriously be considering this, Laura! After all she did to you, you're just going to let her waltz back into your life and sweet-talk you back into her arms again?"

"God, you're worse than my father! Why do you even care so much?"

"Because- because I-"

"And don't you dare say it's because you love me, because if you loved me you wouldn't have told me I was immature and irresponsible. You wouldn't have told me I was just a child. You definitely wouldn't have told me there was someone else."

Laura swiped at the tears on her cheeks. "I'm going to meet her and I don't care what you think."

"Laura, please-"

"Remember, Danny, you broke up with me. Now I'm trying to move on. And I suggest you do the same."

And with that, Laura hung up the phone and raced for the shower. She had less than an hour to get her ass to Columbus Circle. She did not intend to be late.

In her bedroom, Danny Lawrence stared at her phone and cried.

* * *

One-fifty. Columbus Circle. Carmilla was well into her third set of the day and found she couldn't focus all that well. Her eyes kept drifting up to the time on the CNN building as the minutes ticked slowly away. 

Despite her lax attention, this crowd loved her, and she was earning far more during this set than she usually got in an entire day. If this kept up, she'd be off the streets in no time. She'd had to empty her yogurt tub into her backpack twice already.

It was really time she opened up a bank account. She couldn't carry all this cash around with her all the time.

Another quick glance at the clock, during the instrumental between verses. One-fifty-four. 

She hadn't really thought of what she would say when Laura came. She just knew she couldn't up and leave her again. She had to leave the note. She had to see her.

Though, as the seconds slipped away, it seemed that she wouldn't be seeing Laura today. Perhaps ever.

Song finished. Pause for applause. Nod, thank. _No, I don't have a CD. No, I don't accept credit cards._   Thank some more. The normal show routine.

But today, her heart just wasn't in it.

One-fifty-seven.

Time for a new song. Carmilla flexed her fingers and prepared for a new bout of strumming.

One-fifty-eight.

She was losing hope.

One-fifty-nine.

"Carmilla!"

There.

Running across the street. Coat flapping. Hands waving. Hair wild. 

Laura.

Carmilla put down her ukulele.

The crowd mumbled confusedly amongst themselves, then began to boo as Carmilla began to walk away from them and her things and towards the crosswalk and Laura.

Laura ran down the sidewalk and past the pigeons and halal carts right up to the crowd and then right up to Carmilla, and only then did she stop, cheeks flushed and stinging from running in the cold autumn air.

Carmilla looked down at her, wonder in her eyes. "You came," she said incredulously.

"I did."

Suddenly, Carmilla's arms were wrapped tightly around Laura, holding her close. 

"I'm so sorry," she whispered. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Over and over and over again.

Laura pulled back a little and looked up at her. She didn't say a word.

"I never meant to hurt you," Carmilla said, and her voice cracked on the word "hurt". "Laura, you have to believe me."

Laura took Carmilla's face in her hands. 

"I do."

And she kissed her.

Behind them, the crowd erupted into cheers. Carmilla laughed tearfully into the kiss, and Laura simply smiled.

* * *

Fifteen minutes later, the two of them were sitting on the grass in Central Park. Carmilla was doing her best to explain, obfuscating as much as she could while still making it sound believable.

"Laura, I meant to come back. I really did."

"So why didn't you?"

"I..." She paused, unsure of the best way to go about this. "I kind of have a lot going on right now, and... Things were getting way too complicated, so I had to go deal with them. I didn't want to get you involved."

Laura looked at her, a vaguely perplexed expression on her face. "Like, family stuff?"

"Mostly my own personal things. Really nothing I wanted to worry you with. Nor is it anything I really feel comfortable discussing right now." That, at least, was some of the truth.

Laura nodded. "I understand. But..." She looked down. "Why didn't you even call?"

"Your number went through the wash with my jeans. I couldn't even read the area code when it came out. Believe me, I tried." Not exactly a lie either.

"Well, I guess that makes sense." Laura sighed and leaned against Carmilla's shoulder. "I feel so silly now."

Carmilla raised her arm and wrapped it around Laura, pulling her in closer to her side. "Why?"

"I kept thinking the worst about you. About us. I jumped to conclusions, when I guess I really had no reason to."

"No. You had a perfectly good reason. I would have done the same thing, had someone just up and left me for a month, and after we first had sex no less. I don't blame you at all."

Carmilla looked up at the trees. Their branches swayed in the October wind. Said wind coaxed the scarlet leaves from the limbs and let them fall downwards, engaging them in a twirling dance as they fell. "I missed you every second I was gone." This was the truest thing she'd said all day.

Laura leaned her head on Carmilla's shoulder. "So did I."

* * *

When they left Central Park at last, it was getting quite cold. Carmilla knew her little hoodie wouldn't keep her shivers at bay much longer. "Shall we head for your house, creampuff?"

"Oh, my place is kind of a mess. I was hoping we could maybe go to you-"

"No," Carmilla said quickly.

Laura looked at her, completely taken aback. Carmilla had never spoken so sharply. "What? Why?"

"I...live with a roommate, and she has a pretty nasty case of bronchitis right now."

It was getting easier. The lies just came to her.

She despised herself.

"Aw, that sucks." Laura frowned sympathetically.

"Yeah. Yeah, it'd be better if I let her rest."

Laura pouted slightly. "That's too bad. I was hoping I could finally see where you live."

Carmilla shrugged, as if to say, _What can you do?_

"Well, I guess we can go to my place. Though I'm warning you, it's not as nice as it usually is. I've been working a lot lately-"

Laura continued rabbling on, but Carmilla only half-listened to her. The other part of her couldn't stop thinking about all the lies she'd told today. Yes, she had Laura back. But she was not proud of what she had done to get her back.

Laura squeezed her hand, bringing her back. "I'm glad I came to meet you."

Carmilla gave her a tight-lipped smile and nodded.

* * *

That night, Carmilla lay in bed beside Laura, sleepless. They had had a few drinks and a few laughs, and then Laura asked if Carmilla would stay.

"Not to do anything," she had added quickly. "I just... I missed you."

Carmilla had agreed. As if she could have said no.

And now here they were. In the same place they'd been last night. Except today, Carmilla was in the bed instead of down on the floor. Because now, this was the right place to be.

But then why did it feel so wrong? 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's title was from "Hurricane Drunk" by Florence + The Machine. Appropriate, wouldn't you say?
> 
> The song Carmilla sings to Laura is called "Asleep", also by The Smiths. Give it a listen while reading, if you wish.
> 
> Ah, Laura and her naïveté. Sweet summer child.


	7. there is love in your body but you can't get it out (it gets stuck in your head, won't come out of your mouth)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Featuring lies, fake blood, and a disastrous Halloween party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the "A City of Strangers" Halloween special! :) October is shaping up to be a very busy month for me, and the likelihood that I'll be able to post another chapter before Halloween is very low. So consider this the Halloween chapter.

Days passed, and then weeks. Carmilla continued to live the charade that had now become her life. The lies flew off her tongue easy now, as second-nature as breathing. With each, Carmilla grew more and more disgusted with herself. But she knew that now she was in too deep. She thought that if Laura found out the truth, she would lose her for good.

And losing Laura was her worst nightmare.

So Carmilla continued in her spiral down the rabbit hole she had created. She managed to create new, convincing excuses every time Laura asked to see her place. She evaded questions about her past with incredible skill. Laura remained none the wiser.

Dates were easier to get away with, especially during the day, because they were shorter and less intimate. The nights they spent together, though rare, were harder, because even though the darkness concealed any tells on Carmilla's face of her transgressions, she felt her most vulnerable when it was just her and Laura in the black. Raw. Open.

When they had sex, she had to close her eyes. She was afraid to open them for fear of looking into Laura's, knowing it would break her to see how true and honest they were. 

Carmilla's guilt was suffocating her. 

It was only a matter of time before she drowned.

* * *

Laura, meanwhile, was having the time of her her life.

Stuck in her blissful naïveté, unaware of the maelstrom of dark thoughts that swirled continuously in Carmilla's mind, she was as happy as a clam. Work was going all right. Sure, she hadn't yet declined the position Lilita had offered her. Sure, the deadline to do so was fast-approaching. But that was all background noise compared to the symphony that was her rekindled relationship with Carmilla. And that was all she wanted to listen to.

They were together almost every day after Laura got off from work. They spent the nights of the weekends together, if not the entire weekend. Laura did find it odd that Carmilla never seemed to need to return home to change her clothes or anything, and questioned why she was always lugging that backpack around. Of course, more deeply, she wondered why it was that Carmilla had never brought her to her place. She had asked, many times, but she never got a conclusive answer.

It bothered her. Of course it did. But Laura had only just gotten Carmilla back. She didn't want to screw it up by making assumptions and jumping to conclusions. So she reassured herself that this was just a blip. And for the most part, it had been smooth sailing. No, it was more like flying. Laura hadn't felt this good in a long time.

And it showed.

"Okay. What is going on?"

Laura looked up from the coffee she was adding copious amounts of sugar to and smiled at a very confused LaFontaine. "What do you mean?"

Their brow furrowed as they leaned against the coffee cart. It was Wednesday morning, and the two of them had just arrived at work. "That. You're smiling."

Laura's expression didn't change. "Yeah, and?"

"You've been pining after your musician lover for a month. Not once during that time did you smile like this."

"I wasn't pining."

"Are you kidding me? You were the piniest pine that ever pined."

Laura just laughed and started stirring her coffee.

"Seriously, Laur. You're glowing. What gives?"

Laura bit her lip and looked to the side, eyes wide. Her expression was one of someone who was bursting with a secret they couldn't wait to share. "I found her."

"You what?"

"Or, well, she found me. But whatever. It doesn't matter. The point is, we're kinda sorta back together."

There was a pause while LaFontaine pretended to appear unimpressed, and then they grinned toothily. "Laura, that's awesome! Congrats!"

Laura giggled. "Thanks."

LaFontaine grabbed a cup and pushed down the button on the coffee machine. The cup began to fill with steaming liquid. "So is it safe to say everything's going good between you two?"

Laura nodded emphatically. "Better than good. It's amazing. She's amazing."

"Then I wanna meet her. And I'm sure Perr would like to also."

"Yeah, totally! I want you guys to all get to know each other." Laura stopped suddenly, and her face grew worried. "But... What about Danny?"

"What about her?" LaFontaine emptied a sugar packet into their coffee.

"Well... I called her to tell her what happened, and she got pretty upset. She tried to stop me from going to Carmilla. Like, she was _this_ close to telling me she still loved me, which is so totally unfair. So I got mad, and said a bunch of things, and we were both upset, and I hung up on her. We haven't spoken since then."

LaFontaine whistled. "Damn. Rough stuff."

"It's just, she has no right, you know? She broke up with me a year ago. I should be allowed to move on."

"Yeah. I don't know. I can't really speak on this, but it's all kinda messed up."

Laura sighed. "You can say that again." Her phone vibrated. "Oh, shoot. I have another article to write. I should probably get up to my office."

"Alright." 

Laura began walking away, when LaFontaine called her name suddenly. "Laura, wait! I just remembered something!"

Laura returned. "What?"

"So you know how Halloween's on a Friday this year?"

Laura smiled. "Heck yes I do. It's gonna be awesome."

"Yeah, and especially since Perr and I are throwing a major party at our apartment. You should bring your...musician."

Laura's eyes widened. "That's perfect! She'd love that."

"I figured as much." LaFontaine grinned. "Lunch today?"

"Sure. I really have to get going, though."

"Great. See you later."

Laura simply smiled in response, and hummed to herself as she stirred her coffee.

* * *

Laura didn't broach the subject of the party to Carmilla immediately. She waited until they were nestled together on Laura's couch a few days later, an indie movie Carmilla had picked murmuring softly on the television in front of them. Laura was laying down, her head in Carmilla's lap, and she watched the movie sideways. Carmilla's lithe fingers toyed lazily with Laura's hair.

Laura turned her head straight up to face Carmilla. Carmilla felt the shift, but didn't look away from the television. "Carm?"

"Yes, sweetie?"

Now that she was about to ask her, Laura for some reason felt terrified to do so. She had no idea why.

"LaFontaine, my friend from work, and their girlfriend Perry are throwing a Halloween party next Friday and I was wondering if maybe you'd want to go with me."

Carmilla finally ripped her gaze away from the screen and looked down at Laura. "You want me to meet your friends?" She looked more perplexed than anything else.

"Yes." Laura groped around until she found one of Carmilla's hands, and interlocked fingers with her. "I really, really want you to."

Carmilla's face was impassive for a moment. A moment during which Laura felt the seeds of panic set in. What if she didn't? What if she never wanted to? What if she didn't want to be a part of the rest of Laura's life?

Then, Carmilla exhaled. A soft smile appeared on her lips. "I could never say no to you," she murmured.

Laura beamed. "Yay!" She sat up and kissed Carmilla on the lips. "We're going to have so much fun. You're going to love them. I promise you won't regret it."

_You'd better not,_  Carmilla's brain warned.

_Shut up and start thinking of a costume._

* * *

The sensor over the door of the shop let out a loud electronic beep to notify of the entrance of a customer. J.P. Armitage sighed and, without looking up from the clipboard he was writing on, began the same mantra in a bored monotone. "Welcome to Spirit Halloween. How may I help-"

"You little shit."

His body stiffened. He'd know that voice anywhere.

He looked up slowly. "Carmilla?"

There she was. Her arms were crossed over her chest and she was frowning. But she looked more confused than angry. "What are you doing here, asshole? Don't you make enough money by cheating people out of their money?"

He sighed. "If you really must know, the building was condemned shortly after your departure."

Carmilla but her lip to keep from smiling. It wasn't exactly the kind of justice she'd had in mind, but it would do. "I'm not going to say you didn't deserve it."

"Carmilla, I really am sorry about everything."

She looked at him. He did seem sorry.

And apparently, it wouldn't have mattered if he had let her stay, anyway. She'd just have been kicked out with the rest of the tenants.

"Well," she said, "you can show me how sorry you are by helping me pick out a costume."

J.P. smiled. "Gladly."

"It'll have to be cheap. I'm...on a budget."

He paused, seeming to think for a bit. Then his eyes lit up. "I know just the thing."

* * *

Halloween. Laura's second favorite holiday of all time. 

After she got home from work, Laura spent every evening during the week leading up to the big day downing pumpkin spice lattes and working on her costume. It was turning out pretty well, if she did say so herself.

And now the big day was here. 

Laura had been so excited at work that Betty had sent her home early, knowing Laura's hyperactivity was rendering her essentially useless. Laura zipped home and, thoroughly exhausted by the building anticipation and wanting to rest up, immediately took a nap.

She woke up to her phone buzzing. It was the alarm she'd set for six pm. 

As soon as Laura opened her eyes, the bustle began anew. The party started at eight and she still had to shower and get her costume on.

Her mind was awake and buzzing, but her body could not catch up. Blinking sleep out of her eyes, she moved slowly to the bathroom.

Just as she was in the middle of stripping down, the doorbell rang.

"Shit!" Laura hurriedly put her clothes back on and raced out of her bedroom, then stumbled down the stairs and to the front door. She unlocked the locks and pulled the door open.

"Happy Halloween."

Carmilla stood in front of her, looking very much normal. Not a trace of makeup or costume in sight.

Laura smiled. "Hey, Carm!" She paused a moment, and her expression faltered. "Where's your costume?"

Carmilla grinned widely, and it was then that Laura noticed them.

Fangs.

Four pointy fangs, two on each side of her mouth where her canines should have been.

"You're a vampire?"

Carmilla nodded. "A modern vampire, yes." She gestured to herself. "Hence all the black."

Laura hadn't noticed the lack of color in Carmilla's outfit until she pointed it out, but now she did. "Oh. Cool."

Carmilla could tell that Laura was less than enthused. But that was all right. She'd saved the best part for last.

"Well, come on in. I don't want to leave you out there in the cold while I get ready."

As Carmilla stepped inside, Laura turned around to head upstairs. Carmilla took the opportunity and brought her right hand up to her mouth. The small capsule she'd been concealing in her hand slipped between her lips. She nestled it between the two canines on the right side of her mouth.

And she bit down.

When Laura turned around to say something to Carmilla, she let out a shriek of surprise instead.

Dark red blood was splattered all around the corner of Carmilla's mouth. It coated her teeth and fangs, spilling over her lips and trickling down her chin, leaving red streaks as it went. "What the hell?"

Carmilla smirked and reached into her pocket, pulling out a few of the many capsules of fake blood J.P. had snuck her from the stockroom. She held out her palm, showing them to Laura. "You didn't think that was my entire costume, did you?"

Laura looked at Carmilla, then at the capsules, then back to Carmilla, all with a wide-eyed expression of wonder (and residual fear) on her face.

Finally, she grinned. "It's great." She leaned in for a kiss, toying with the flaps of Carmilla's leather vest (so politely threatened out of J.P.). "I love it."

Carmilla, bursting with pride within but rather disaffected without, leaned back away from Laura a little. "Not to spoil the fun, sweetheart, but aren't we due at the party in an hour?"

"Two. But I still have to get ready, so..." Laura paused, thinking for a moment. "Why don't you wait here? You can read any of the books, or watch TV if you'd prefer."

Carmilla smiled. "Books are fine."

"Okay." Laura planted a light kiss on Carmilla's cheek, opposite the bloodstained side of her mouth. "Be back in a jiffy." She dashed up the stairs and was gone in an instant.

Now alone, Carmilla's shoulders slumped in relief. Even though none of her interaction with Laura in the past five minutes had been false, the lies still weighed heavily on her. She felt more and more pressure to act normally in front of Laura, causing her to act abnormally instead. Luckily, Laura hadn't yet appeared to notice, but Carmilla worried she knew more than she let on and thus tried to put more effort into the lie.

It was draining.

But now Laura was gone, likely for at least an hour, and Carmilla had shelves upon shelves of books to occupy her mind during that time.

She wandered into the living room where the majority of the books were, though they were everywhere, really, and perused the shelves more closely than she had her first time here. She realized that was almost two months ago.

A shiver went through her as she thought of how different things were for her now, as opposed to how they had been before that fateful day at Columbus Circle.

And all because of a lie that she had let spin so wildly out of control.

Her fingers danced across the books, slower than they had the first time.

_Pride and Prejudice. Jane Eyre. The Time Machine._  All gorgeous, hardcover versions with gold-edged pages and matching gold titles swooping across the covers and spines.

And then, a small one. Black. No title, no author. Fallen behind the other books on the shelf, only discovered when Carmilla had removed a copy of _To Kill A Mockingbird_ for further inspection.

Carmilla pulled it out. It was thinner than the other books on the shelf. The cover was blank and black. A thin black ribbon, the kind built into certain books as place markers, stuck out from between the pages along the bottom edge of the book.

She opened it. Inside the cover, on the cream endpaper, someone had written the words _Property of Rosemary Greene_  in slanted black cursive.

Carmilla turned the page. The first was blank. On the second, a date. 6/25/82.

And then, the writing began.

 

_I'm free! I'm free! It's finally happened! I'm officially out of high school!!!_

_I've been waiting for this day for years. High school was the worst. I'm so glad to be done. And best of all, I'm headed straight for my dream school: COLUMBIA!_

_Things couldn't be better. I'm getting out of this small, suffocating town. I'm leaving all these insufferable, small-minded idiots behind. I'm going to New York City!_

_I'm so glad Dad got me this journal. It's probably the best graduation gift I got. I can't wait to write all about what happens in this next chapter of my life._

_And I promise, it's going to be amazing_.

 

It became quite clear to Carmilla after reading it that this was a diary. Some girl named Rosemary's diary. Normally, Carmilla wouldn't care much. She was never one for nonfiction, much less diaries. So sappy, so childish. But something about this one intrigued her. Why would Laura have this girl's diary?

Carmilla took it to the couch with her and sat down. Then, on a whim, she stood up and approached the bookshelf, grabbed a large copy of _A Tale of Two Cities_ off it, and opened it. She placed the journal open inside. To any observer sitting across from her, she appeared to be your ordinary Dickens lover. But what she was actually reading couldn't be further from guillotines and war.

Though, as she read more of it, she supposed they both dealt quite a bit with the theme of sacrifice.

Rosemary Greene, whoever she was, did indeed attend Columbia. For two years' worth of entries, the material was rather dry. There weren't many boyfriends, no drama, nothing worthy of closer inspection.

But in the middle of Rosemary's third year of college, she met a man named Theo. Short for Theodore. They fell deeply in love and remained together even after college ended. Rosemary rambled on and on about how she could see a life with him, how she loved him more than life itself, blah blah blah. Carmilla flipped past quite a few pages that dealt with all that.

But Theo was nothing like Rosemary. She was adventurous and bold and spunky, or at least Carmilla assumed she was. From what and how she wrote, she had to have been. 

Theo, on the other hand, was mild-mannered. Nice, smart, but shy and reserved. They had both come from small Canadian suburbs. But where Rosemary hated her town and felt restrained by it, Theo adored his. He almost didn't go to Columbia in the first place because of the distance. As their relationship grew more serious, he kept insisting and insisting that they move back. Rosemary refused and refused.

But then, in 1988, Rosemary got pregnant.

They were both twenty-five at the time. They weren't married, but it had never been a question of if but rather a matter of when. Seeing as both of their families lived in Canada, Rosemary finally conceded to move back and raise the baby there. Two months later, they were back in the very place that Rosemary had tried so hard to get out of for her entire life. And they were there to stay.

Shortly after, they were married in a small ceremony at a church in Theo's hometown, and seven months later...

 

7/14/89

_I gave birth to Laura Elizabeth Hollis at 1:16 AM today._

 

Carmilla smacked the book shut.

Rosemary Greene was Laura's mother.

How had she not seen it before? It was possibly one of the most obvious things in the world. She should have known from the moment she opened up the book.

Which she was never going to do again.

Carmilla picked up the journal and returned to the bookshelf. She pushed it into the slot left vacant by its absence and turned around.

And then she turned back around.

She'd read so much already. Surely, another few sentences couldn't hurt any more than the rest of the journal had.

She would just finish off this entry. Then, she'd be done. She wouldn't read any more.

Carmilla pulled the book back out and began reading again, not bothering to return to the couch.

 

_She's so_ tiny _. I mean, I knew she would be small. She's a baby. But she is. She's the smallest, most precious little thing I've ever seen._

_And she's beautiful._

_Here she is:_

 

Beneath that, a small picture of infant Laura swaddled in a pink blanket had been pasted. 

Her brown eyes were wide open, and she was staring right at the camera with a curious look on her face. 

Carmilla smiled. There was no question that it was Laura.

There were only four more lines written below. They appeared to have been written at a later time.

 

_Oh my god._

_Oh my god, I'm a mother now. I'm_ her  _mother now._

_I don't know if I can do this. She's so perfect right now, so pure._

_What if I ruin her?_

 

"Carm?"

Laura's voice was faraway. She couldn't have been closer than the stairs.

Carmilla hastily shoved the journal back into place and yanked _Pride and Prejudice_ off the shelf, shoving her nose into it at the exact moment that Laura entered the room. "Hm?"

Laura coughed a little, and Carmilla looked up.

Laura was dressed in a black blazer and matching pencil skirt, a white blouse beneath. Shiny black pumps covered her feet. Fake hipster-style glasses rested on her nose, lenses punched out. A laminated card hung around her neck on a lanyard, with writing on it that was too small to read from where Carmilla stood. In one hand she held a small pad of paper, in the other a freshly-sharpened pencil. 

"You're a secretary for Halloween?" Carmilla asked.

Laura frowned. "No, silly. I'm Lois Lane, reporter extraordinaire!" She performed a mock salute and wide grin.

Carmilla turned around to replace the book on the shelf and swallowed hard, pushing her guilt down into a small hole in her stomach, before turning back around and flashing her trademark smirk as she walked over to Laura. 

"Well, Miss Lane, I'm going to need to see some ID," she purred as she tugged on the lanyard, yanking Laura closer to her. Laura let out a little squeal and laughed.

Carmilla could read the card now. On the top it read in font similar to that of the New York Times:  _Daily Planet_. Under it was a photo of Laura in Lois form, glasses and all. And underneath that, in large, normal lettering, were the words _Press Pass_. In the background, behind all that, the faded image of a simplistic globe was visible.

"We're gonna be late if you keep this up," Laura breathed.

Carmilla licked her lips. "Does it matter?"

"It took me twenty minutes to put this on. I'm not taking it off now."

Carmilla sighed. "Later, then?"

"Of course."

"All right. I suppose I can stand suffering for a few more hours."

Laura laughed and offered Carmilla her arm. "Let's go."

* * *

LaFontaine and Perry's apartment was in the heart of the meatpacking district, not terribly far from Laura's place. The building had once been a factory, and after it shut down it had been converted to a residential space, making for large spacious apartments with high ceilings. Of course, it was ridiculously expensive, but money was no object for those who worked at Silas Industries.

Laura always loved going there. She thought the whole area was simply beautiful. She adored the cobblestone streets, and the close proximity to the High Line was a big plus. 

The night was chilly, but not too bad, so they walked. Young children in their costumes ran by yelling "Trick or treat!" at the top of their lungs, while their exhausted parents trudged after them.

As they neared the place, Carmilla became more and more agitated. These people were obviously important to Laura. Their opinons clearly meant a lot. Carmilla worried she wasn't the the type of person they envisioned for Laura.

And of course, seeing as they lived so close to the High Line, there was a very real possibility that one of them had seen Carmilla during the time she was ill. If they gave her up, it was all over.

"Here we are!" Laura announced cheerily.

Carmilla looked up and gulped, biting her lip.

Laura eyed her suspiciously. Carmilla looked...nervous? "Carm? Are you okay?"

Carmilla nodded stiffly. "I'm fine."

Laura frowned, knowing she wasn't. "Hey, listen, we don't have to go if you don't want to go," she said gently.

Carmilla looked down. Her voice was small. "It's not that I don't want to go, it's just...what if they don't like me?"

Laura's face softened, and she sighed. "You don't have to worry about that. They'll all love you." _Except for maybe one of them_ , she thought, seeing Danny in her mind, but of course she didn't say that aloud.

Carmilla exhaled shakily. She still didn't seem convinced.

Laura took her hand. Carmilla's fingers immediately interlocked with hers. She smiled reassuringly and gave Carmilla's hand a light squeeze. "It's going to be fine."

Carmilla mustered up a smile.

"And, you know, if it's not, it doesn't matter. Because no matter what, _I_ like you. Okay?"

_No matter what._  If only she knew. "Yeah. Okay." 

They walked up the few steps to the lobby door, and Laura pressed the buzzer next to LaFontaine's name. A few moments passed before the door let out a loud beep and clicked open, during which both Laura and Carmilla gathered their courage (but for entirely different reasons). Laura pulled open the door and they headed inside.

The building was Halloween heaven. The lobby and hallways were decked with strings of orange lights and fake cobwebs. Plastic spiders were suspended from the ceiling with fishing wire. At the end of every hall sat a carved pumpkin with a candle inside. Nearly every tenant was having a party, and as such the pair had to maneuver around the drunken spillover that filled the halls. 

"Couldn't we just take the elevator?" Carmilla complained as a sexy ladybug stumbled into her, slurred a drunken apology, and stumbled away again.

"Carm, this used to be a factory. The elevator is just a glorified sheet of metal with no walls. It's essentially a death trap." Laura pulled Carmilla in a wide arc to avoid a frat guy in a toga with a laurel on his head, who was hitting on every woman that walked by. "While this is less...comfortable, it's also less likely to kill us."

A beer bottle came flying out of one of the open doors, shattering on the wall just behind them. Carmilla wrinkled her nose. "Are you sure about that?" 

Laura sighed. "We're almost there. Just one more floor."

The next floor was a bit calmer, and they made it to the apartment relatively unscathed. Carmilla popped a fresh blood pill on the same side of her mouth as earlier as they approached.

"You need to get me some of those for Christmas," Laura commented, letting go of Carmilla's hand as she knocked on the door.

Carmilla was about to reply, but then the door opened.

And there stood Danny, all six feet and two inches of her, in full warrior regalia.

Of course, Carmilla didn't know who she was. She knew Danny was a girl, but she had never had the (dis)pleasure of meeting her. So she simply assumed a less threatening stance, hoping that if this was one of the friends Laura wanted her to meet it would make for a more pleasant sight.

"Hey Laura!" Danny said, a large grin on her face. But as her eyes moved over to Carmilla, it slid right off until all that was left was a mild frown. "Who's this?"

Larua bit her lip and decided to do damage control before the damage began. "Hey, Danny. This is my... uh... my friend, Carmilla."

Carmilla stiffened, for two reasons. Two words.

Danny.

Friend.

"Yeah, we know _all_ about Carmilla," Danny said sarcastically, rolling her eyes. "Nice makeup, by the way. Real classy."

"Oh, and just who are you supposed to be, the jolly ginger giant?" Carmilla snapped.

"Xena the warrior princess. Though I doubt you've ever heard of her."

She hadn't. "Of course I have. And I've got to say, you really don't do her any justice."

"Oooooookay!" Laura interjected, flustered. "Nice seeing you, Danny. Nice costume! Come on, Carm, let's go find LaFontaine and Perry."

Carmilla and Danny just stood there, glaring at each other.

"Come _on_." Laura pulled on her wrist, hard, and finally got Carmilla to break her staring contest with Danny.

"Well, your ex seems like a real picnic," Carmilla grumbled as they moved through the party and away from Danny.

"She's not so bad when you get to know her," Laura sighed. "Plus, I think she's jealous."

_How could she be, when you didn't even say I was your girlfriend?_

"Oh look, there's LaFontaine!" Laura pushed through the crowd and into the living room, where LaFontaine stood by the fireplace arguing with someone over what sounded like very complicated genetics. They were wearing a lab coat and black rubber gloves and had on a wig of wild white hair, goggles pushed up on top of it. 

Laura walked right up to them. Carmilla trailed slightly behind. She was busy taking in the whole place. It was obvious that Laura's friends were pretty well-off, judging from the quality of the very modern furniture sprinkled around the house and small things she noticed here and there. A diffuser on a desk. Marble counters in the kitchen. It wasn't like they were overly extravagant or snobby; no, there was no air of that. But you could just tell.

She looked down at her ratty converse pressing on the shiny hardwood floors and felt slightly embarrassed.

Laura tapped on LaFontaine's shoulder. They whirled around. "Laura! Thank god. Please help me tell this simpleton that the conservative model of DNA isn't scientifically possible and has been disproved a number of times."

Carmilla laughed to herself. She liked them already.

Laura's eyes widened. "Um, aren't you the bio major?"

In response, LaFontaine simply shook their head slowly in disappointment and turned back to the simpleton in question. "We'll continue this conversation later."

LaFontaine turned back around. "Anyway." They grinned. "You must be Carmilla."

They extended a hand. "S. LaFontaine. Nice to meet you."

Carmilla took it. "You as well."

"Great costume. Very minimalistic. Love the..." They gestured to the corner of Carmilla's mouth. "How'd you do it?"

Carmilla pulled out another blood pill.

They grinned. "Awesome!" And, leaning in, "You have any you can spare?"

In response, Carmilla pulled out ten more and handed them to LaFontaine. "Ten bucks for a hundred at Spirit. They were on sale."

They placed one in their mouth and popped it gleefully. "Wow, what a deal! I know where I'm going tomorrow." They looked over at Laura. "Keep this one."

A woman approached, wearing a polka-dotted dress and black mouse ears that covered some of her bright orange curls. "Hey, sweetie, do you know where we put the-"

LaFontaine turned to look at her, blood splattered all over their face.

"LaFontaine!" the woman screamed, jumping a little. 

"Relax, Perr. It's not real." They smiled at Carmilla. "But it totally makes my costume so much cooler, right?"

Perry, wide-eyed, just shook her head in shock.

"Hey, Perry," Laura said.

Perry only just seemed to notice her standing there. "Laura!" she exclaimed happily. "When did you get here?"

"Just a few minutes ago." She noticed Perry staring over her shoulder at Carmilla and stepped aside. "This is Carmilla."

Carmilla gave a little wave. "Hi. I'm afraid I'm responsible for... that." She looked pointedly at LaFontaine, who had just popped another blood capsule on the other side of their mouth. 

Perry looked a bit surprised to see her at first. But then she smiled, rolling her eyes good-naturedly. "Don't worry. They always do a costume store crawl the day after Halloween. They were bound to find some eventually."

She turned to Laura. "I'll be right back. I have snickerdoodles in the oven." And off she went, curls bouncing.

LaFontaine started to say something, but then quickly cut off and stared at something behind the couple. "Hi, Danny!" they said loudly, as if to warn of her arrival.

Laura turned around. Danny was standing behind them. She must have just come up to the group. 

"Hi," Danny said. She looked less than thrilled to see Carmilla, as if she'd expected Carmilla to be long gone by now (despite the fact that she'd only just arrived). 

LaFontaine sensed the tension, and skillfully tried to ease it. "Perry's making snickerdoodles. I know they're your favorite. Maybe if you go to the kitchen right now she'll give you some leftover dough."

But to no avail. "No, it's fine. I'm sure she'll bring them over soon." Danny smiled. She didn't seem happy at all. "I want to know more about Laura's new friend."

"Oh, there's not much to tell-" Laura started quickly.

"Really?" Carmilla snapped, looking at Laura with annoyance.

Hurt flashed over Laura's face. "What do you mean?"

"Guys, maybe we should sit down-" LaFontaine attempted.

"I am so loving this," Danny murmured under her breath, relishing the discord she'd caused.

Perry returned then, holding a steaming plate of cookies, completely unaware of all that had transpired in the few minutes she'd been gone. She smiled brightly. "Snickerdoodles?"

Everyone stared at her. 

She looked around. "What?"

LaFontaine put a hand on her arm. "Perr, maybe now's not a good time."

"Nonsense! Dessert makes everything better." She pushed the plate in front of her friends' faces. "Take one."

Laura, Carmilla, and Danny each took one begrudgingly. LaFontaine took one, and then four more, shoving them into the pockets of their lab coat.

Perry set the plate down on the glass coffee table, where it was immediately swarmed by other partygoers. She turned to face Carmilla. "So, Carmilla, was it?"

Carmilla nodded. "These are delicious," she said around a mouthful of cookie.

"Thank you! They're gluten free, and-"

LaFontaine slowly removed the cookies from their pockets and frowned at them. "Gluten free?" they whispered softly.

"Oh, would you stop it?" Perry sighed. "It's good for you!"

LaFontaine grimaced and started to edge towards the coffee table to replace the cookies. "You may as well have put kale in them."

Perry shook her head disappointedly and turned back to Carmilla. "Anyway. So what is it you do for a living?" she asked, trying to make small talk.

Carmilla almost choked on her cookie. She'd dreaded this question. "Um. I- I'm a singer."

"That must be a really steady source of income," Danny scoffed.

"Danny," Laura sighed.

Carmilla bit her tongue, trying to will the words back. But they just spilled right out. "So is being a bitch, I guess, since you do it so often."

Laura gasped. "Carmilla!"

"Oh dear," Perry murmured.

LaFontaine reappeared, holding a few cups. "Punch for everyone!" they said. 

"Is it alcoholic?" Carmilla asked.

"Very."

"Thank god." Carmilla took the cup and downed it in one shot.

"Wow, a jerk and an alcoholic. You sure know how to pick them, Laura."

"And what exactly does that say about you?" Carmilla retorted.

"SO, how did you two meet?" LaFontaine said loudly.

Immensely relieved for the change in topic, Laura grinned and launched into the story. "Well, it all started on this Saturday in September-"

And so, for a blessed half-hour, the fiery mood was cooled as Laura regaled the story of how she met Carmilla, with Carmilla jumping in every so often to add details she missed or her perspective of how things had gone. She was careful not to reveal too much of her side of the story, however.

"And I realized, even after all that wine, that I really really liked her," Laura finished, looking over at Carmilla with soft eyes.

"And I really really liked you too," Carmilla said, in a perfect mockery of Laura's tone that sent LaFontaine into a fit of laughter. Laura giggled and slipped her fingers between Carmilla's.

This did not go unnoticed by Danny. 

Danny knew it was petty. She knew it was crossing a line. But she was jealous. And jealousy makes a person do crazy things.   
So she said it.

"So if you liked Laura so much, why did you ditch her for a month?"

Carmilla stared at her. "Excuse me?"

"Danny, don't-" Laura pleaded.

"Why did you leave her without even saying goodbye? And after you have sex the first time? What kind of awful person does that?"

Silence fell.

Perry and LaFontaine exchanged worried looks.

Laura looked like she was about to cry. 

Seeing her, Danny instantly felt bad, but she couldn't take it back.

Carmilla bit her lip, then pulled her fingers from Laura's, turned away, and walked out.

Laura rounded on Danny, tears in her eyes. "Why would you say that?" she cried.

"Laura, I'm sorry- I didn't mean-"

Laura shook her head and glared at Danny before heading after Carmilla.

* * *

Through the crowd and out the door. Down the hallway. Down the stairs. Running. Faster. Faster.

Out the front door. Down the steps. On the street. Frigid air, stinging skin. Frozen tears.

_You aren't good enough._

_You're a monster._

"Carmilla, wait!"

Carmilla spun around, and Laura was shocked to the core to see her crying. Tears carving their long paths down her cheeks. "What is it, Laura? What?"

Her words were sharp. Cutting.

Laura's eyes watered, whether the cold or tears she could not tell. "Please, come back to the party."

"I don't belong here." She sounded so broken. "Let me go."

"If this is about what Danny said, ignore her. She's jealous, and she's taking it all out on you. I don't care what she says. It doesn't change anything."

Carmilla closed her eyes for a moment to squeeze more tears out, tilting her head up to the sky. As awful as the things Danny said were, they were true. Danny had said what she did because she cared about Laura, and wanted the best for her, and didn't want to see her get hurt. And that was the type of person Laura needed. Not some nobody with no job, no home, no future.

"You deserve better," Carmilla said. "You deserve someone like Danny. Not me."

"I don't want Danny." Laura reached for her. "I want you. Only you."

"Oh really?" Carmilla spat, stepping backwards.

"Yes," Laura said. "You're important to me, Carmilla."

"Is that why you referred to me only as your _friend?_ "

Laura stared at her. "Are you honestly upset over that?"

"Not only over that, but yes. I am." Carmilla shivered as the wind whipped around her, rustling the branches of the trees lining the sidewalk. "Your friend? Just your friend? We have sex every other day and it doesn't even warrant 'girlfriend'? Or even 'lover'?" She could barely see Laura through her tears anymore. "It's like I don't mean anything to you."

Laura's eyes flashed with anger, and she took a few steps forward. "No. No, no, no. You are not allowed to say that. You, who left me thinking the same thing for a _month._  Because I thought you wouldn't have left me if you truly cared about me. Don't you see what a hypocrite this makes you?"

"But I do care about you, Laura."

"Well, it didn't feel that way!" Laura was now crying as well. She swiped at her eyes so as to keep her vision clear. 

"I'm sorry," Carmilla cried. "I told you I was sorry."

"Sorry isn't good enough."

"Then what is, Laura?"

Laura bit her quivering lip. "How about the truth, for once?"

Carmilla laughed bitterly and threw her hands up into the air. "What are you talking about?"

"I know you're lying to me about something, Carmilla! There's something you aren't telling me. I can see it in your eyes." She burst into furious tears. "There's a reason you never invite me over. There's a reason you left me. Why can't you just be honest with me?" Her voice cracked. "Don't you think I deserve the truth?"

Carmilla's face twisted, the expression of one trying hard to stave off tears. "You do," she whispered.

"Then tell me!"

Neither of them spoke. The street was silent but for the whistling wind and their occasional sniffles. They were both breathing heavily. Laura's chest heaved erratically with each silent sob.

Finally, Laura looked at Carmilla with cold eyes, colder than the wind, and composed herself enough to get out one sentence. Her voice wavered on the final word. "If you can't tell me the truth, we're _done_."

Carmilla's mouth opened and closed and opened again. She so badly wanted to speak, to tell her everything. But the fear, the fear of losing her, was there, it was always there, and she couldn't get the words out.

Laura's face hardened, and she shook her head slowly. "I thought you were different." 

_I_ loved  _you._

She did not say that.

She turned on her heel and went back inside, leaving Carmilla on the street, alone.

Laura waited until she was just inside the lobby to let out her violent sobs.

* * *

Outside, Carmilla threw her head back and wailed at the black, unfeeling sky.

 

And the stars did not care at all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's title came from "Hardest of Hearts" by Florence + The Machine.
> 
> Oof. That was rough. But oh so fun to write >:D
> 
> Happy Halloween, I guess!
> 
> I know the stuff about Rosemary seems kind of random, but everything I write, I write for a reason. ;)
> 
> If you ever want to squeal with me about this story, you can find me over at nothing-to-that-light.tumblr.com. Please feel free. I love squealing.


	8. all of my stumbling phrases never amounted to anything worth this feeling (all this heaven never could describe such a feeling)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Featuring resignation, fountains, and a perfectly-timed thunderstorm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOW BOUT THAT SEASON FINALE? Crazy, I tell you. But everything I could have ever wanted. It was honestly such a gift to have gotten to see all those actors playing out such an amazing story for us, and they did it so *well*. God. I just. I loved it so much.
> 
> Also, I lied. Y'all do get a chapter before Halloween. This one. ^.^ Happy spookies, everyone.

Two weeks later.

 

After her breakup, Laura did the exact opposite thing she'd done more than a month ago, when Carmilla had left her. She threw herself into her work, not stopping to so much as to open up Facebook. She didn't drink. She didn't curl up in bed. She didn't watch Doctor Who. She worked.

That was all she did.

The only one of Laura's friends who ever saw her was LaFontaine, and that was to be expected, because they worked in the same building as her. But even those interactions were brief, usually nothing more than a brusque "Hi" exchanged in passing. Laura always seemed to have somewhere to be and was too busy to ever stop to say more than that.

When she returned to work on Thursday, November 13th, she went to Betty's office and asked to see Lilita. 

As the elevator shot upwards at a dizzying speed, Laura stood stiff and straight, regarding the button panel before her impassively. Betty, shaken by her new coldness, stood as far away from her as she could get without seeming rude.

When the doors slid open, Laura strode right out of them, past an incredulous Betty and a shocked receptionist and directly into Lilita Morgan's office.

Sensing the presence of someone, Lilita looked up from her computer to see Laura standing there in the doorway. 

"Can I help you, Miss Hollis?" she asked, clearly annoyed. "I was unaware that you had an appointment."

Laura was not scared. "I'll take the job."

Lilita's eyebrows raised just a tad, the only indication of her surprise. Then, she smiled that awful crocodile smile. "Excellent."

* * *

Laura left work that day feeling nothing but cold. 

Both literally and emotionally.

The pen had felt so light in her hand. She didn't even have to think about it as she inked her name on that line, and with it lost the last shred of hope for ever becoming the journalist she had once wanted to be.

She'd just signed ten years of her life away to a company she despised, and she had done it with the ease of someone who was just accepting the terms and conditions.

Wasn't that what she was doing, though? Accepting the terms and conditions that had come attached to her life?

_Your dream is unattainable._

_Those who you think love you deepest will always leave you._

_Your job will be one of the highest-paid salaries in the business world._

_Do you accept?_

She tightened her scarf around her neck and shivered. _Might as well._

She had become the "corporate drone" Carmilla would have frowned upon, and she knew it.

But Carmilla wasn't here to frown upon her anymore.

Winter was beginning to set in. She was not excited about it. She usually was. But things were different now. She was different now.

She crossed the street and continued walking. The thought of calling a cab never once crossed her mind, even in these icy temperatures.

Perhaps some things about her were still the same, after all.

Laura spotted something just a bit further up ahead. Someone, undoubtedly homeless, sitting, head bowed, with their back against the front of a store with its metal grill pulled down. The person had not so much as a blanket and was only wearing what appeared to be a black hoodie, pulled over their hair and hiding their face.

Her heart melted. Ever since she was young, she'd had incredible empathy for the homeless. She never felt them to be a burden, as much of America appeared to. When she was little, she'd tried to coerce her father into giving money to every homeless person they saw. He did sometimes, but mostly he just reminded her that they were not exactly in the position to be giving away money. When her mother was there, she could usually convince him. 

But after she left, there was one less source of income, and then they _really_  weren't in that position anymore.

So Laura stopped asking.

Now, though, she was richer than most of Manhattan. And she made it a point to give at least five dollars to every single homeless person she saw. 

Because she could, so why shouldn't she?

She dug into her pocket and pulled out all the spare change in there. Seven dollars and fifty-six cents. 

As she got closer to the person, she could tell it was a woman. She was looking down, so Laura could not see her face, but her body was evidently female. A yogurt tub with no lid sat in front of her.

Reaching the girl, Laura squatted down in front of the yogurt tub and dropped the change in.

The clattering of coins on coins, metal on metal, jolted the girl alert. She raised her head and looked up, at the exact same time Laura did. 

Chocolate met hazel.

Laura felt her heart stop.

"Carmilla?"

* * *

When Carmilla was so rudely awakened that November afternoon, never in her wildest dreams did she expect that it would be Laura who woke her.

She sprung awake and scrambled up, heart pounding. Her hood fell back, revealing her black waves. All her muscles tensed and blood pumped furiously through her veins, preparing to flee.

"W-what- What are you doing here?" Laura stammered, confusion and sadness mixing on her face to make an expression that Carmilla couldn't bear to look at. 

Carmilla huffed and ran a hand through her hair. "What do you think?"

"I- Carmilla, I- I didn't know you were _homeless_ -"

It did not go unnoticed by Carmilla that Laura had taken a few steps backwards, away from her, after she learned the truth. It hurt more deeply than anything else.

"Well, now you do," Carmilla snapped.

Laura felt a heavy, disgusting feeling settle within her chest, and her next words were hard to get out, the sound of each reminding her that she was a horrible person. "Does this have something to do with why you left me?"

"Cupcake, just walk away. You said it yourself, we're done."

"But I didn't know- I had no idea that this was what-"

"You shouldn't have had to have an idea. You should have trusted me, and you didn't."

"That's not fair. _You_  should have trusted _me_."

"Be that as it may, breaking up with me over something I wasn't quite ready to tell you yet isn't fair either."

"You would never have been ready to tell me," Laura said. "In fact, I bet you were probably never planning on telling me."

"Would you?"

Laura looked down at her boots and said nothing.

"Look, the bottom line is, you made an assumption about me, the reasons I lied and what about, without even knowing the whole story. I don't need that kind of immaturity in my life."

"You're right, and I'm sorry for that. But you lied to me for our entire relationship, Carmilla. I think I had a right to be pissed."

Carmilla sighed. "I know. I- I'm sorry too."

They were quiet now, having aired their grievances. There was nothing more to say.

The bitter wind blew through the large space between them, whispering the unasked question on both of their tongues.

_What now?_

"Do you... Do you want to go out? Later?" Laura asked tentatively.

Carmilla shook her head. "I don't think I can."

"Oh."

Laura couldn't hide the crestfallen look on her face.

And it was that look, the one Carmilla had seen on her face the night she carted Laura home, all dizzy and drunk, and Laura had screamed and cried and hit her and begged to know where she had gone and why had she left her and how awful it had been.

"Maybe tomorrow."

The words were out of her lips before she even realized it.

Laura didn't smile. Not even the slightest twitch at the corners of her lips. She just nodded solemnly.

One more silent moment passed.

Laura looked up at Carmilla like she wanted to say something, like she wanted to step forward, reach out, touch her. Her lips parted.

But then, she turned, pressed her lips together, and walked quickly away down the block.

Carmilla watched her leave. 

She didn't know how to feel.

* * *

The next day, Laura returned to Columbus Circle at six PM for the first time in weeks. She had been avoiding it like the plague ever since she and Carmilla broke up, instead making the schlep out to Bowery to go to Whole Foods. 

Since it was winter, it was starting to grow dark already. The lights at the fountains surrounding the circle had already been turned on.

She was nervous, and understandably so. Her whole world had been turned upside-down. Black and white had blended into an uneasy shade of grey. 

Carmilla was homeless. 

She wasn't ashamed of Laura. She wasn't cheating on Laura. Nothing Laura had thought was true about her was actually the truth.

She felt unbelievably awful about how she'd handled it all.

Laura crossed the street to the circle and started scanning the little plaza, looking for the familiar crowd and listening for the familiar voice that always announced Carmilla's presence. 

But then, she saw her, standing in front of the fountains in the gap between two stretches of benches, watching the jumping arcs of water. Her bags sat by her feet. She was wearing the same black hoodie, no jacket. But even in this frigid November weather, she didn't seem cold at all.

And she was completely alone.

Laura approached her. "Hey."

Carmilla did not turn around. She did not smile either. "Hey." 

Lights danced across the surface of the static water in the fountain bed. Laura came up beside her and watched. 

They stood there, just watching the water, for a long time.

Finally, Carmilla said softly, "I didn't know what..."

She took a shuddering breath and started over.

"Laura, I'm no one. I didn't go to college. I don't have a job. I live on the fucking streets."

She laughed, bitter and cold. 

Laura didn't say anything. 

After a few moments, Carmilla looked down at her feet and spoke again. "I knew that if you found out, you'd think less of me."

Laura shook her head. "I don't. I never could."

"I don't believe you." Carmilla gazed straight ahead at the fountains, refusing to look at Laura. "You and all your friends are so different from me. You're all richer than most of the people in this city. You can afford to eat at a different restaurant every single night and drop ten thousand dollars at Prada in one shopping trip like it's nothing. There's no way any of you would have ever accepted someone like me."

"That's not true."

"Yes, it is. Don't try to deny it."

"But I don't care about any of that."

"Come on, Laura. Everyone cares about money." She scoffed. "Why did you take that job that you hate so much? For money. Well, now you have it. And now that you have it, you should probably stay in your league."

"What does that mean?"

"Someone like you doesn't really want to be with someone like me. I'm the lowest of the low. I'm dumpster diving and showering in a fucking Planet Fitness. You want to be with someone who... who's more like you." Carmilla's voice quavered just slightly. "That's just the way the world works, cutie."

"No."

For the first time that night, Carmilla looked at her. "Yes."

"No." Laura grabbed both of Carmilla's hands, spinning her a little to face her. "No, it's not. This isn't feudal England. There's no class system. There's nothing that is keeping us apart but you and your insane ideas of wealth and love." 

"Mine, and half the planet's."

"No, Carmilla. You're missing the point. The reason we broke up was never about the fact that you were homeless. It was because you _hid_ the fact that you were homeless. For weeks. And lied about it."

Carmilla tried to turn her head away as her voice grew quiet. "I was ashamed."

"I know. But you had no reason to be. I just wish you had told me." Laura rubbed her thumbs in small circles over Carmilla's hands. "Maybe I could have helped you."

"I'm sorry." Carmilla's shoulders jerked forward, and she let out a guttural sob. "I don't know what to do."

Laura let go of Carmilla's hands and reached up to hold her cheeks, tilting her head up so they were looking at each other. "Let me in."

Carmilla blinked, trying to focus the image of Laura, blurred by tears. Laura's eyes were questioning, asking for permission.

Carmilla gave the slightest of nods.

Laura leaned in hesitantly, giving Carmilla every chance to pull back.

She didn't.

Their lips met in a soft, gentle kiss.

Carmilla's hands came up and clutched Laura's cheeks, holding them tightly, as if she were afraid if she didn't that Laura would fall right through her fingers and disappear.

Laura broke away and rested her forehead on Carmilla's, breathing softly. 

A moment, stuck in eternity.

When Carmilla finally spoke, her voice was shaky, but she hadn't lost her humor, even after everything. "Does this mean we're back together?"

Laura laughed. "I don't see why not."

* * *

They took a seat on one of the nearby benches shortly after. They talked, and even laughed a little, but something was different between them now. They could both feel it.

Every accidental touch was more electric, every gaze was more piercing, every giggle was more nervous.

It was like they were meeting each other for the first time. 

Late into the night, Laura looked at her watch. "God, we should probably start heading home. It's almost eleven."

"We?"

Laura looked at Carmilla, cocking her head a little in confusion. "You don't seriously think I'm going to let you sleep outside tonight, right? It's probably gonna drop to thirty."

Carmilla sighed. "And winter's only just getting started."

"Then you'll just have to wait it out with me at my place."

"Ha ha. At least buy me dinner first."

"I'm serious."

Carmilla paused. "What?"

"Live with me." Laura grabbed one of her hands. "I won't let you freeze to death while I have a huge house we can both easily live in."

"Laura, I can't ask you to do that."

"You're not. I'm telling you, this is what _I've_ decided."

"But don't you think it's a little... soon? You're asking me to _live_ with you. I mean, we've only really been dating for two months. At the least, it's unconventional."

"What part of our relationship has ever been conventional?"

 

 

 

Carmilla smiled a little, but her face soon grew serious again. "Are you sure?"

"More sure than I've ever been."

Carmilla took a deep breath, then let it out. "Okay."

Laura beamed, and sprung up from the bench. She pulled Carmilla up. "Let's go see your new home."

She turned just in time to miss the look that crosses Carmilla's face. It was one of surprise and shock and fear and love, all at the same time.

After so long, she finally had a home.

And it was with Laura.

* * *

Even though Carmilla had been to the brownstone many times, stepping in it now was very different, because now it was her home. The house had seemed to know she was coming, enveloping her in warmth and love as soon as she crossed the threshold.

Laura immediately began to fuss about as soon as they got there, cleaning up things here and there. She was like a pinball, zooming from the study to the living room to each and every bathroom. "You pretty much know where everything is, so this should be easy," she called from her new location, the kitchen. Her voice was slightly muffled by the clanging of pots and the clattering of cabinet doors.

Carmilla walked into the living room. Laura burst in from the door connecting the two rooms, and began to clear the paperwork smeared across the coffee table. 

"I can take the couch tonight," Carmilla said.

"Are you sure?"

Carmilla nodded. She wanted to take it slow this time. She didn't want to push anything on Laura, like sleeping in the same bed, when they'd only just gotten back together after everything.

Laura shrugged. "Okay." She headed off down the hall to the linen closet. "You can take a shower if you want. Use the one off the study."

Carmilla headed straight for it, thrilled at the prospect of taking her first proper shower in ages, with actual conditioner. Conditioner!

She entered the bathroom and turned on the shower, then stripped down and stepped in. The water flowed out like a river, hot and heavenly. 

There were little shower caddies stuck all over the walls of the shower, filled with various beauty products. Carmilla used a little of all of them, including the pumice stone and the loofah.

She tried not to think about where that loofah had been.

Carmilla scrubbed herself raw and massaged the highly anticipated conditioner (Conditioner!) into her hair. She noticed a fresh razor sitting on the shelf where bars of soap usually went, a C written on it in Sharpie. Laura had left it for her.

She shaved, and then trailed her fingers across her legs. The skin beneath was velvet soft.

When Carmilla exited the shower, she felt cleaner than she had in years.

There were two soft, fluffy towels waiting for her, stacked on the edge of the sink. She dried off with one and wrapped up her hair in the other. 

Beside the towels, Carmilla noticed that Laura had left her clothes: a black t-shirt and black-and-red plaid pajama pants. She put them on, relishing the feeling of clean clothes against her body.

As soon as she opened the bathroom door, she smelled something delicious. She headed for the kitchen and found Laura standing over a large pot on the stove. 

"I thought you didn't cook," she quipped as she slid into a chair at the kitchen table.

Laura laughed lightly. "Perry got a new cookbook and has been making more food than she and LaFontaine can eat, so I get the extras. I'm just warming it up on here because my microwave's broken."

"Is Perry the one with the curly hair? The one who kind of reminds me of Betty Crocker?"

Laura laughed again. Carmilla decided she loved the sound of it more than anything else. "Yep, that would be her. LaF's the one with the pixie cut who's obsessed with biology."

"And Danny's the one who hates me."

Laura sighed. "Danny doesn't hate you. She just... She hates the idea of me being with someone who isn't her." 

She paused. "Okay, well, I guess that's not entirely fair. She's just kind of overprotective, but she means well. She doesn't want me to get hurt, which I understand." She smiled and said, "It's not like you had such a great track record when she met you, either."

It was meant to be a joke, but it fell completely flat with Carmilla, who slipped into a sad silence.

Laura turned to see why Carmilla hadn't responded and saw the expression on her face. She frowned, turned the heat down beneath the pot, and walked over to her. "I was kidding. I didn't mean it."

"I know." But Carmilla still couldn't look at her.

Laura bent down and kissed Carmilla's cheek. She took one of Carmilla's hands and squeezed it gently. "I'm sorry."

At last, Carmilla smiled at her and squeezed back. "It's okay."

Laura kissed her again, and then returned to the food.

They ate dinner on the floor in the living room, since Laura didn't want to sit on Carmilla's freshly made couch-bed, and watched an episode of Orphan Black. Laura had to explain the entire plot to Carmilla on commercials, finally deciding they would just binge the first season some other time.

After the episode finished, Laura yawned. "I am _exhausted_. I think I'm gonna call it a night."

"Good idea. It's late."

"Make yourself at home. It's yours too, now." Laura kissed her forehead. "Come get me if you need anything, okay?"

"I will. Goodnight."

"Night." Laura stood up and went upstairs.

Carmilla turned off the TV and took their plates into the kitchen and washed them. Then she took a copy of Jane Eyre off the shelf and read for a while. 

After about an hour, Carmilla, too, decided to turn in. She returned to the bathroom in the study. A red toothbrush was waiting for her there, adorned with a Sharpie C to match the razor. 

After brushing her teeth, she removed the towel from her hair and ran a hand through it, shaking it a little to loosen the still-damp strands from each other. She briefly considered combing it, but was too tired and returned to the living room instead.

She flicked off the main light switch and turned off all the individual lamps, and then slipped beneath the covers on the couch. As soon as her head hit the pillow she fell asleep, feeling more comfortable and safe than she had in a very long time.

* * *

A thunderstorm struck much later that night. So late, in fact, that it had to be considered early morning, though the darkness of night had not yet left the sky.

In winter, such squalls were rare, and usually became blizzards or ice storms instead of thunderstorms. But this was pure rain, thunder, and lightning. No more, no less.

A loud thunderclap jolted Carmilla awake. She sat straight up, sweating, wide-eyed. She glanced around the dark room in a panic, her ears filled with the roar of her blood and the pounding of the rain against the building.

She closed her eyes and tried to breathe.

Just as she was getting her heart rate down to a reasonably lower level, more thunder boomed, so loud it seemed to shake the building. Carmilla was unable to hold back a whimper.

Almost without her knowledge, Carmilla's legs began to move, pushing her out of the bed and across the living room to the stairs, up those and down the hallway, all the way to Laura's room.

She pushed open the door gently, praying it didn't creak.

Laura was peacefully asleep in her bed, unaware of the storm raging around them outside. Carmilla stepped into the room, her bare toes sinking into the lush carpet, and she closed the door gingerly behind her. She crossed the room to the opposite wall with the window seat, the one parallel to the bed, and stood in front of the bed's edge, debating whether or not to disturb Laura.

Suddenly, a groggy voice whispered, "Are you gonna get in or not?"

Biting her lip guiltily, Carmilla slipped into bed beside Laura, her back facing her. Laura snuggled up close to her to that she was spooning her, and asked, "Is it the storm?"

There was another thunderclap, and lighting lit up the sky. Instead of saying yes, Carmilla jumped, then whimpered again.

Laura moved her right arm to curve around Carmilla's waist, pulling her close, and nuzzled her head against the back of Carmilla's neck. "It's okay," she murmured. "Go to sleep now. I'm here. You're safe."

_Safe._

What a notion.

Carmilla sank into her arms, her warmth, her scent, her everything.

It wasn't long before they were both asleep again.

* * *

The next morning, when Carmilla woke up, she at first had no idea where she was. It was far too warm and soft to be the sidewalk.

Then, she sensed someone next to her. Heard their breathing, felt the rise and fall of their chest. 

Laura.

Carmilla turned around as slowly and as carefully as she could to see her, trying not to wake her up. But she failed.

Laura's eyelashes fluttered, then opened just a bit, blearily. She yawned, tiny and kitten-like. Carmilla chuckled and snuggled closer to her.

It was still raining now, but it was much lighter so as to almost make the atmosphere cozy rather than terrifying. There was no thunder or lighting to be seen or heard.

Laura nestled her head into the crook of Carmilla's shoulder. "Good morning."

"It is now."

Laura blushed and smiled, looking up at Carmilla briefly. Carmilla kissed the top of her head.

They stayed like that for a while, laying in bed, not saying anything. Occasional glances were stolen between the two of them, little kisses shared.

Carmilla broke the silence. "Thanks for last night."

"Of course." Laura was holding one of Carmilla's hands, tracing the knuckles with her thumb. After a few moments, she added, "Do you want to talk about it?"

Carmilla shook her head. "Not yet," she whispered.

Laura didn't press. She simply tilted her head up and planted a soft kiss on Carmilla's jawline. It was all she could reach.

* * *

That night, when they decided to go to bed, Carmilla started for the couch.

"What are you doing?" Laura asked. "Come upstairs. Sleep with me."

"I- I thought maybe you would want some space at first, that you wouldn't want to, so soon-"

Laura shrugged, smiling. "We have to make up for lost time."

Carmilla sighed, and grinned at last. "Well, it would be rude to turn down such a pleasing invitation."

They slept together in Laura's bed that night. Carmilla fell asleep first and Laura curled around her, remembering what it was like to have her sleep beside her, the way she breathed, the way she _was_ , before sleep overtook her as well.

Carmilla never went back to the couch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's title came from the song that is the namesake of my account, "All This and Heaven Too" by Florence + The Machine.
> 
> Short chapter, I know. But it made more sense to end it here.
> 
> To talk to me about this story or just Carmilla in general, you can find me at nothing-to-that-light.tumblr.com.


	9. gone are the days of begging, the days of theft (no more gasping for a breath)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Featuring injured pride, domestic bliss, and THE PANTS.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains nudity and discussion of sex, but once again, nothing explicit.
> 
> God, it's good to be back. ^.^

 

Sunday morning. 

Laura and Carmilla were sitting at the kitchen table, a cup of tea in front of Carmilla and a mug of hot cocoa in front of Laura, when Laura shifted conspicuously in her chair, clearly having something to say. They had just finished breakfast, which had consisted of croissants Laura had picked up from the corner bakery.

Carmilla raised an eyebrow. "What?"

Laura took a deep breath. "I think we should go shopping for clothes for you today."

Carmilla looked at Laura strangely. "You know I can't afford that."

"But I can."

Carmilla was shaking her head before Laura had even finished speaking. "No."

"You barely have anything," Laura protested. "And most of my stuff won't fit you. You need new things."

"I don't _need_ anything," Carmilla snapped. "And certainly not your charity."

Silence.

Laura bit her lip, then slowly rose from the table and left the room without another word.

Carmilla sat there at the table alone. Steam swirled up from the cups on the table.

Laura meant well. She did. Carmilla knew she did. She felt terrible about how she'd just treated her, when she was only trying to help. But...

Memories flashed through Carmilla's mind.  A girl like her, a girl alone. A girl who had desperately needed help, who had gotten it, and then ended up...

She pushed the thoughts away. She was not that girl. Her situation was drastically different.

Still, the little threads of doubt wormed their way up into her brain, as doubts were wont to do. 

_Leave. Go back to the streets. You don't belong here._

She shook her head to clear her mind. _If I do that, I'll really lose her_.

But she still needed to get away.

So she walked over to the kitchen island. A notepad sat on top of the marble counter. She ripped off a sheet and wrote a quick note on it with a red pen that sat nearby.

 

_Needed some air. Be back before dark._

 

She paused, her pen hovering above the paper.

 

_I'm sorry._

_-C_

 

Carmilla left the note on the table, grabbed her ukulele from the couch, and left the brownstone. 

* * *

From her room, Laura heard the door slam below. She sighed and headed downstairs.

Upon entering the kitchen, she noticed the abandoned mugs of now-cold liquid on the table, as well as the note beside Carmilla's tea. She scanned it, shook her head slowly, and crossed her arms, staring across the room and out the kitchen window. 

She figured that perhaps Carmilla had a point. She could use a little fresh air herself.

So, she put on her tan coat, threw her hair up in its familiar messy bun, and headed out.

* * *

Carmilla didn't know where she was going. Her feet just carried her on, down the busy streets and avenues. 

As she walked, she relaxed. The familiar scents of the city were mostly masked by the wintry air, and the cold soothed her and turned her cheeks rosy. Soon she found herself walking through an entrance to Central Park.

She was not surprised that she had ended up here. It was a very comforting place for her. She had spent many a night sleeping here, suspended safely in the boughs under the stars, when the weather had been warmer and drier. 

Now, though, she didn't need a bed. She just needed a quiet place to unwind.

Lucky for her, Central Park was not lacking in such places.

It didn't take her very long before she found some large rock outcroppings, built into the hills of the park. People were basking in the weak winter sunlight atop them and children were climbing like ants all over them, despite the chilly weather.

Carmilla instead opted to walk down to the area below them. There was a little nook down there, slightly sheltered, the rocks jutting out overhead enough to cover her but not enough to be unsafe. She sat, cross-legged, on the drying brown grass and leaned her back against the rocks. 

She strummed experimentally on her ukulele, tested a few notes with her voice. Then, she started singing.

She kept her voice soft; for once, she didn't want any attention. She just wanted to sing for herself.

The song and the words didn't matter. What mattered was that she was calming down. Forgetting.

Carmilla passed two hours like this, though it felt much shorter.

Laura found her there, eyes closed, mouth open. Mid-song.

She stumbled upon her completely by accident. She hadn't even known Carmilla would be here. She had no way of knowing where she'd gone. 

Sensing someone in front of her, Carmilla opened her eyes. She assumed it was just some passerby who had heard her voice.

When she saw the familiar black pumps, however, she knew instantly it was Laura.

"Hey," Laura said.

"Hey."

"Do you mind if I-"

Carmilla patted the ground beside her. "Please."

Laura sat down, extending her legs straight out in front of her. "I wasn't following you."

"I know," Carmilla said. "You'd have found me much sooner if you had been."

"Believe it or not, I wasn't looking for you, either." Laura pushed some stray hairs out of her face and tried, futilely, to tuck them back into her bun for a few minutes before abandoning the endeavor. "Just taking a walk."

Carmilla didn't respond.

Laura looked over at her. Carmilla was staring straight ahead, eyes glazed over in deep thought.  Her palms were pressed flat against the ground, supporting her torso upright. A cold breeze stirred her hair, but despite her thin attire she didn't even shiver.

"I'm sorry."

Laura placed her right hand over Carmilla's left, on the ground. "For what?"

"You were just trying to help. I shouldn't have treated you the way I did."

Laura nodded slowly.

"I just- I'm pretty independent. I've had to do a lot on my own." She looked down at Laura's hand on hers. "And I'm not really used to people taking care of me." 

_Or caring_ about _me_.

She didn't have to say it. Laura understood.

"I know. I get it. But I l-"

She stopped herself. 

"I care about you, a lot, and there's no stopping that." Laura smiled and nudged her shoulder against Carmilla's. "If you're gonna live with me, you'd better get used to it."

Carmilla's lips slowly lifted into a reluctant smile of her own. "I suppose that's fair. But it'll take some time."

"Okay," Laura said, playing with Carmilla's fingers on the ground. "So how about, for now, we compromise? I'll buy your clothes, but then you can pay me back as soon as you have the money and it'll be like you got them yourself." She leaned her head on Carmilla's shoulder and gazed up at her plaintively. "Please? I don't want you to freeze to death while you're singing. Just for today?"

Carmilla looked at her for a long moment, though she knew she'd give in as soon as she saw Laura's eyes. She could never and would never refuse her anything. Carmilla knew that well now. She was weak for those hazel eyes.

Finally, she sighed, pretending to have considered it. "Just for today."

Laura didn't squeal or leap up in excitement, like Carmilla had been expecting her to. Instead, she interlocked her fingers with Carmilla's and gave her hand a soft squeeze, then leaned up to kiss her.

* * *

Carmilla had never enjoyed shopping. 

It had always been a rather torturous experience, especially when she was a little girl. Her mother tried to force fancy dresses and pinching shoes upon her to wear to the various snobby events she was forced to attend throughout her childhood. Carmilla had been dragged from store to ludicrously expensive store whenever a new gala or charity dinner was set to occur. They'd walk for hours on end down countless blocks. Her mother would refuse to carry her when she got tired, and she'd often return home with bleeding blisters on her feet.

Her father had protested such things. He hated all the pretense, much like Carmilla. But her mother had insisted it would be the only way for her to move up the ladder at Silas. She had been simply a member of the board of directors, but longed for CEO.

And now she had it.

And her father was dead.

And who knew what else-

"Ooh! Carmilla, look at these!"

Carmilla blinked.

They were in Bergdorf Goodman, despite Carmilla repeatedly saying she didn't want to go anywhere too expensive. Laura convinced her, saying that everything would be much better quality, and promising that they would only get reasonably priced items.

But the shoes Laura was holding now were two hundred dollars, and Carmilla was positive that was not a reasonable price.

"No."

"Aw, but Carm, they're so _you!"_  Laura bounced up to her and shoved them under her nose to give her a closer look. "I could totally see you wearing these."

Carmilla took a step back, frowning. "Then you must not know me very well."

Laura looked at the black heels and sighed. "Yeah, I guess not. Oh well." She replaced them on their stand. "Where to next?"

"Somewhere less... rich?" Carmilla shrank to the side as a small dog in a passing woman's purse growled at her. "Target, perhaps?"

"Wait, wait, wait." Laura, barely listening, had just run across the shiny tiles to the elevators. "Let's just hit one more floor."

"Fine," Carmilla groaned as she followed. "But that's _it_. Then we go someplace else."

"Deal." Laura grinned, smacking the up button. 

The elevators deposited them on a different floor, one with more clothing and less footwear. Laura bounced away gleefully, and Carmilla soon lost her in the racks.

She walked through the store slowly, browsing the clothes she passed. They were very nice, she had to admit. Not really her style, but nice. She just wished they were more affordable. It was ridiculous to pay five hundred dollars for a belt.

Just as Carmilla was beginning to give up hope of ever finding anything she would actually buy, she passed a mannequin wearing a gorgeous silk blouse and black pants.

She took a few steps back, coming to a stop in front of the mannequin. Its blank, faceless head seemed to be staring at her, despite the fact that it had no eyes. Its hand was extended in a gesture that seemed to be beckoning her closer.

The blouse did not interest her. She was far more concerned with the pants.

Carmilla pinched the fabric between her fingers and rubbed it back and forth. The pants were deep black and very soft. A tag hanging off them proudly declared that they were one hundred percent leather.

She checked the price tag and felt sick to her stomach. 

$479.

Was she really willing to drop almost five hundred dollars on a pair of pants?

"Those would look great on you."

Carmilla turned quickly. Laura stood behind her, smiling, a few sweaters and shirts draped over her arm. 

"Really?" She glanced back at the pants, and then back at Laura. "But... They're so..."

"Expensive?" 

Carmilla nodded.

"Well, look. I found a bunch of stuff for you to try on. Just take those pants for now and at least try them."

Carmilla looked at the pants again and nodded. "Okay."

They walked to the fitting rooms. Laura handed Carmilla the pile of clothes and took a seat on a plush chaise outside to wait for her. 

Inside the luxurious booth, Carmilla stripped quickly and put on the first shirt. It was a blue and black plaid long-sleeved buttonup made of soft cotton. She eyed her figure in the mirror and bit her lip. She wasn't sure what to think.

She stepped out from behind the curtain and raised her hands a little in an unceremonious gesture, as if to say, "Well, here I am."

Laura gasped, clapping her hands together. "Carm! It looks great!"

"Does it?"

" _Yes_ ," Laura said emphatically. "This is so your style."

Carmilla looked down at her sleeves and shrugged. "I'll take your word for it."

"Oh, don't try to act all cool and indifferent. I know you like it."

Carmilla stared at Laura for a moment, then turned quickly to hide the smile spreading across her lips and walked back into the fitting room. "Whatever," she called as she went.

Carmilla tried on each shirt in turn, stepping out to let Laura see every time. Her initial expression upon seeing Carmilla was the indication Carmilla used to tell if she should take the clothes or not, as Laura was not good at hiding her true feelings. This went on all through the pile of clothes.

As time passed, Carmilla actually got into it. She became more confident in asserting whether or not she liked something (a little too confident sometimes, Laura thought as she watched Carmilla glower the entire time she was forced to wear a pink sweather Laura thought might look nice). Her exits from the booth grew more and more comical in an attempt to make Laura laugh. At one point, she leaped out from behind the curtain and assumed a Superman stance, causing Laura to stare, wide-eyed, before bursting into loud laughter.

Because, in the haste to get all this changing over and done with, Carmilla had forgotten to put on pants.

"What?" Carmilla asked, annoyed. "It wasn't that funny."

Doubled over, all Laura could do was gesture wildly in the general direction of Carmilla's legs.

When Carmilla realized her faux-pas, she blushed a bright crimson and dashed back into the stall, faster than any superhero could.

As the embarrassed warmth slowly faded from her cheeks, Carmilla fumbled around in the fitting room, checking to see that she tried on everything.

As she moved a black cashmere sweater from one side of the bench to the other, she found the black leather pants sitting there waiting for her. They were the last thing left.

Carmilla held them up in front of her and stared at them.

_Let's get this over with._

* * *

When Carmilla emerged from the booth moments later, Laura was still trying to calm down. Her wheezing had settled to a light giggle, though it picked up every time she remembered the ridiculous image of Carmilla, hands on her hips, chest proudly puffed out, head turned to the side, in her _underwear_.

Carmilla coughed loudly. "A- _hem_."

Laura looked up, and her laughter subsided entirely. "Oh my god."

Carmilla stood before her, looking more than a little nervous and hotter than Laura had ever seen her in those leather pants.

"Well, how do they feel? How do _you_ feel?"

Carmilla shifted her stance, smiling slightly. "I really like them."

"You should. They fit like a darn glove." Laura grinned. "Turn around."

Carmilla smirked. "Oh, now I see why you wanted me to try them on so badly."

Laura frowned, blushing. "Just turn around!" she said quickly, crossing her legs rather tight.

Carmilla winked before turning slowly around, giving Laura a view that made her think that God himself had invented leather pants for this sole purpose.

She stood up quickly and spun Carmilla back around to face her. "Okay, you are taking those pants. This is non-negotiable."

Carmilla laughed. "No way, cupcake. There's no way I'm paying that much for these things. So get a load of it while you still can."

"Then I'll pay for them. Please," she began before Carmilla cut her off. "I can't live without seeing _this_ -" here she gestured to Carmilla's backside, "-ever again."

"Laura-"

"Please, Carm?" She looked up at Carmilla with puppy-dog eyes. "Just think of it as... a housewarming gift! Or...a sex toy!" 

As soon as Laura gave her the eyes, Carmilla knew it was all over. 

She sighed and said, resignedly, "Well, when you put it that way..."

Laura's eyes lit up, and she beamed. "Yay!" Then she leaned in and whispered huskily in Carmilla's ear, "You won't regret it." 

"Your ability to go from adorable to dirty in a second is more than a little disconcerting."

"It's my special talent." Laura let out a bubbling laugh. "Now come on, grab your stuff and let's get out of here." She tugged gently on a beltloop of soon-to-be Carmilla's pants. "I don't think I can handle doing much more shopping today."

Carmilla put her arms around Laura's waist and yanked her close. "You're right," she murmured. "We have better things to do."

Laura's breath hitched in her throat, and she tilted her head up, angling her mouth towards Carmilla's lips.

And then, Carmilla let go of her, just before they touched.

She flashed a grin at the breathless Laura and sauntered back into the fitting room to gather her clothes.

"You are such a tease," Laura finally stammered when Carmilla came back out.

Carmilla just smiled and walked a little faster.

* * *

As Laura lay panting on the couch two hours later, she decided the pants were the best investment she'd ever made.

Even though they were currently lying on the floor.

She was essentially on top of Carmilla at the moment, there not being enough room on the couch for them to lay side by side like they were used to. Carmilla's fingers were running through Laura's hair, as usual.

They were perfectly quiet. The only sounds were the light hum of the central heating and the soft sounds of their breathing as it slowed from its frenetic postcoital pace.

Laura could feel the rise and fall of Carmilla's chest directly against her own skin as she inhaled and exhaled, could hear her heart racing from the moments earlier. This was a different kind of intimacy. A beautiful one.

"Carmilla?"

"Hm?"

"So, I know this is kind of a forward question, and you don't have to do it if you don't want to because the last thing i want to do is force you to do anything you don't want to do, especially this because I'm not sure if we're there yet and I-"

Carmilla chuckled, and Laura felt its vibrations run through her body. "Laura."

"Huh?"

"You're rambling."

"Oh. Right. Sorry. Well, um, I just wanted to know if maybe-"

"Spit it out, creampuff."

Laura sighed, long and exaggerated. "Fine. Will you sing for me?"

Carmilla stiffened beneath her. 

Laura felt it, and it rang loud and clear to her. "It's okay. You don't have to. You just haven't before and I-"

Carmilla let out a stream of air from between her pursed lips. "You don't remember."

"What?"

"The night I brought you home. You asked me to sing to you."

"Oh." Laura's eyes flicked up to see her face. "Did you?"

"Of course I did," Carmilla said gently. "And I will now."

"Carm, you really don't have to-"

"I want to."

Laura bit her lip, then nodded against her chest.

Carmilla thought for a moment, running through her mental library of songs. Finally, she decided on one, though she knew that after she sang it she could never take it back. 

 

 

_"I've fallen out of favor and I've fallen from grace_

_Fallen out of trees and I've fallen on my face_

_Fallen out of taxis, out of windows too_

_Fell in your opinion when I fell in love with you."_

 

She heard Laura's sharp intake of air, felt her shift upwards on her body to see her face better. She plowed ahead, not wanting to stop and acknowledge the significance of what she'd said (or rather, sung) just yet.

 

_"Sometimes I wish for falling, wish for the release_

_Wish for falling through the air to give me some relief_

_Because falling's not the problem, when I'm falling I'm at peace,_

_It's only when I hit the ground it causes all the grief."_

 

Wetness on her skin made Carmilla aware of the fact that Laura was crying. She kept singing, but lowered the hand in Laura's hair to gently stroke her back as she did.

 

_"This is a song for a scribbled out name and my love keeps writing again and again_

_This is a song for a scribbled out name and my love keeps writing again and again_

_And again, and again, and again, and again..."_

 

Large hot tears spilled out of Laura's eyes and onto Carmilla's body. She didn't truly understand why she was crying so much, but every time she tried to stop, she heard those words, and her eyes filled anew.

 

 

_"I'll dance myself up, drunk myself down_

_Find people to love, love people too drunk_

_I'm not scared to jump, I'm not scared to fall_

_If there was nowhere to land, I wouldn't be scared at all_

_At all, at all, at all..."_

 

Her voice softened for the final verse.

 

_"Sometimes I wish for falling, wish for the release_

_Wish for falling through the air to give me some relief_

_Because falling's not the problem_

_When I'm falling I'm at peace_

_It's only when I hit the ground it causes all the grief."_

 

Neither of them said anything for quite some time after Carmilla finished singing. Laura's soft sniffles were the only indication she'd heard anything Carmilla had sung.

Finally, she managed to calm herself enough to ask in a tremulous voice, "You're falling in love with me?"

Carmilla smiled sadly. "I fell a long time ago."

Laura burst into fresh tears again, and at first, Carmilla worried she'd said something wrong, it was too soon, they weren't ready, Laura didn't feel the same. 

But then, Laura pushed herself up and pressed her lips upon Carmilla's, kissing her like there was nothing else left in the world.

* * *

That night, they truly made love for the first time.

All the times before, it had just been sex. Emotional sex, sure. Fun sex, definitely. But this was something else entirely.

Her whole life, Laura had never thought she'd be able to tell the difference between the two. It had all felt the same to her. But she realized, as Carmilla kissed her and touched her, that she had been so wrong.

When they finished, Carmilla wrapped her body around Laura's like a snake and gently planted a kiss on her neck.

It was completely silent, and the room was pitch black.

After a few brief moments, Laura murmured, "I love you."

Carmilla's chest tightened. It was the first time in a very long time that someone had said that to her and meant it.

She inhaled shakily, and then whispered back into the darkness. "I love you too."

* * *

Laura's alarm woke the both of them early the next morning by blasting "Shake It Off".

Carmilla groaned loudly and rolled away from her, shoving her hands over her ears. "What is that dreadful noise?" she mumbled into her pillow.

Laura giggled sleepily and threw an arm over Carmilla's facedown body. "Not a Taylor Swift fan, I take it."

Carmilla lifted her head for a brief moment to glare at her, before pushing her face back into the pillow. "Just turn it off," she said grumpily.

Laura obliged, grabbing her phone, sliding the alarm off, and replacing it on the nightstand.

"Thank god," Carmilla sighed, coming up for air.

Laura leaned in and kissed her before she could say another word, long and sincere. 

Carmilla kissed back just as deeply. When they broke apart, she put an arm around Laura's waist and pulled her closer, beginning to kiss her neck. 

Laura squealed and squirmed, trying to get away as Carmilla peppered her with kisses, laughing all the while. "Carm, stop it! I have to go to work!"

Carmilla pulled away reluctantly. "Fine," she muttered, even more grumpily. "Just let me do this..."

She brought Laura in for one last kiss, and kept her lips on Laura's even as she scooted slowly away from Carmilla. She didn't let go until Laura was sitting up and nearly out of reach. When she did, she flopped back onto the bed and gazed after Laura as she undressed and headed for her shower.

Laura paused at the door. "You can join me, if you want."

Carmilla had never undressed so fast.

* * *

Twenty minutes and one steamy shower later, Carmilla sat at the kitchen table downstairs, reading yesterday's Sunday review and eating more of Perry's leftovers. Laura was upstairs getting dressed. 

Carmilla had been planning to make Laura breakfast, but remembered how well that went last time. Another check of the fridge just confirmed her suspicions that Laura would probably opt to grab something on the way to work.

She soon finished her breakfast and headed to the guest bathroom to brush her teeth before returning to the table. 

About five minutes later, she went back and brushed them again, just because she could. She grinned as she did so. She had missed running water.

Back in the kitchen, Carmilla continued to read the paper. She listened to the sounds of Laura running around the brownstone getting ready for work, as was her routine. Down the stairs. Up the stairs. Down the stairs again.

It was as if Carmilla had been living there her whole life.

Laura dashed into the kitchen in her morning frenzy. She had her still-wet hair up in the tight bun often seen on women in the office. A black purse was slung over her shoulder. She wore the tan coat she had been wearing when Carmilla first met her. The buttons were open and as she darted about, the flaps fluttered out, revealing a grey pencil skirt and matching blazer over a white long-sleeved blouse. It reminded Carmilla remarkably of her Lois Lane costume from that terrible Halloween. 

Carmilla could barely see a thin silver chain around Laura's neck, but the pendant dipped down into the blouse and she was unable to see it.

Laura paused her harried rush to kiss Carmilla, who all this time had remained seated at the table. "Bye. Call me if you need anything at all."

Carmilla could smell a faint hint of perfume on her. "I will." She paused, and then added, "I love you."

Laura kissed her again, harder.

When they pulled apart, she stroked Carmilla's wet hair gently. "I love you too."

Then, she straightened up and hurried out of the kitchen, calling a last "Goodbye!"

Carmilla heard the door slam behind her.

She sighed contentedly, a stupid smile spreading across her lips. She could barely believe the domesticity of it all.

And even more surprisingly, she loved it.

* * *

Laura left work and headed to buy groceries completely and totally exhausted. 

She and Carmilla hadn't gotten much sleep the night before, for obvious reasons. Combine that with the pressures of her new position and the pressures on the entire company as the Christmas launch of Lophia drew ever closer, and it was understandable that she was feeling drained.

But when she left Whole Foods laden with grocery bags and spotted Carmilla singing outside of the Central Park entrance at Columbus Circle, she felt as if the weight of the world had been lifted off her shoulders. 

Laura quickly crossed the street to where her girlfriend was and snuck into the crowd, hiding so she could just listen and rest for a bit before making her presence known.

Carmilla's singing was wonderful, as usual, and she had drawn a great crowd. When she finished the song, the applause was thunderous.

Laura almost didn't want to stop her, but it was getting dark already and she knew they should be getting home. So she stepped forward, enough for Carmilla to see her.

Their eyes met in an instant, and Carmilla's face lit up in a way Laura had never really seen.

"Sorry, everyone, but I'm going to have to cut it short," she announced to the crowd.

Boo's filled the air, but they were quickly replaced by whistles, cheers, and clapping when Carmilla crossed the small distance between them, pulled Laura towards her, and then dipped and kissed her in one elegant motion.

Even more coins and bills went flying into Carmilla's yogurt container after that.

When Carmilla brought her back up, Laura was flushed and grinning. "Hello to you too."

Carmilla just laughed and kissed her again.

* * *

Laura and Carmilla lived in pure domestic bliss for days, adopting a cheerful routine resembling the one detailed above, filled with love and dates and lots and lots of sex. In short, everything was absolutely perfect.

But of course, it couldn't last forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's title came from "Between Two Lungs" by Florence + The Machine.
> 
> And so, we finally begin to wave hello to the plot. It's not here quite yet, but it's coming. And so is the angst. >:D
> 
> Wanna chat? You can find me at nothing-to-that-light.tumblr.com.


	10. some things you let go in order to live

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Featuring subtle threats, copious amounts of tea, and something worse than a cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: contains vomiting. Emetophobes may want to opt out of the Hollstein parts of this chapter.

Carmilla awoke in the middle of the night (or rather, early morning) on Wednesday, November 18, feeling awful. She was completely congested and couldn't breathe through her nose.

A quick glance to the side confirmed that Laura was still sleeping. She sat up slowly, trying not to wake her.

The change in angle eased her congestion a bit, and she relaxed for a moment, leaning back against the headboard. Just a tiny cold. She'd be all right.

And then, the coughing began.

Wet and thick, the coughs came with such frequency that Carmilla could barely breathe. The small gasps she did manage to draw in rattled and whistled in her throat.

Laura's eyes flew open, the harsh sound of Carmilla's coughs jolting her awake. She sat up quickly and moved to be right beside her, then gingerly placed her hand on Carmilla's back and began to rub back and forth to soothe her. 

When the fit at last subsided, Carmilla gave a shaky exhale and stared down at her lap. Her hands trembled on the blankets.

"Hey," Laura whispered. "Are you okay? Do you want some water?"

Carmilla shook her head and tried to take a breath, but hardly any air got in. 

She tried again. Nothing. Her lungs ached to expand, but stayed compressed.

Panic flooded her veins, and she began to hyperventilate, which only succeeded in making things worse. 

_I'm going to die. I'm going to die. Laura's going to have to watch me die._

Laura noticed her struggling, could see the fear in her eyes. She herself was feeling more than a little frightened, but she knew she had to pull it together.

She took Carmilla's hands in hers. "Carm, sweetie, look at me. Look."

Carmilla lifted her head. Her desperate, shallow breaths did not cease.

"It's going to be okay. You're all right. Just relax. Look at me. Just focus on me. Don't think about anything else. Relax. You're fine. You're okay."

Laura continued to murmur soothingly to Carmilla, rubbing her thumbs over Carmilla's knuckles. "Just take it slow, okay? Breathe slowly. That's right. You're doing great," she whispered.

With each soft encouragement Carmilla's panic began to fade, and with it, so did the tightness of her airway. At last, she was able to breathe, and her lungs filled up with sweet, sweet air.

Carmilla collapsed against Laura, completely exhausted by the ordeal. Laura put an arm around her, bringing her in close to her chest, and kissed the top of her head. 

She felt Carmilla's forehead with the back of her other hand and recoiled almost instantly with how hot she was. "You're burning up." She frowned, worried. "You're sick."

Fresh fear shot through Carmilla's body, and flashbacks to her time on the streets flooded her mind. It couldn't be...

Laura sensed her panic, but greatly misjudged the reasoning behind it. "Everything's going to be fine, Carm. It's just a virus. It'll be gone in a few days." She hugged Carmilla tightly. "And I promise I'll take care of you. Okay?"

Carmilla couldn't find the words, in her fever-addled mind, to express that no, it wasn't just a virus, and that it in fact had almost killed her before.

So she simply nodded and allowed herself to sink into Laura's embrace and the pretense of safety it implied.

"Do you think you can go back to sleep?" Laura asked softly, after a moment.

Instead of answering, Carmilla let out another harsh cough, followed by a small, pitiful whine. It felt like her throat was being ripped open. Tears pricked her eyes from the pain.

"I'm guessing that's a no," Laura sighed.

Carmilla buried her head in Laura's chest and said nothing.

"Okay. Here's what we're gonna do." Laura leaned over, reaching an arm around Carmilla to prop up her pillows. Then, she gently laid Carmilla down on them, so that her head was now at an upward angle. "This should help with the congestion."

Carmilla just looked at her with baleful eyes.

A quick glance at the clock revealed to Laura that it was five AM. Betty was probably just leaving her house now. Laura shook her head slightly. She was such a workaholic.

"Carm?" Laura pushed a few stray hairs out of Carmilla's face and tucked them behind her ear. "I'm gonna go call Betty and let her know I'm not coming in today. I know you don't feel good, but please try to get some sleep. I'll be right back."

She leaned over and kissed Carmilla's forehead, lips brushing the burning skin. 

Then she rose from the bed, grabbed her phone from the nightstand, and went downstairs to call her boss.

* * *

Betty Spielsdorf was sitting at her kitchen table, slipping on her high heels after just downing a smoothie, when Laura called her at 5:06 AM. 

 

"Elizabeth Spielsdorf," she answered, in a voice impossibly chipper for someone who got up at 4 in the morning every day.

"Hi, Betty," Laura said.

"Laura! I'm so glad you called. I can't wait to read the new article later. Your writing is always fantastic. But make sure it's on my desk by eleven. We have to get it to layout by noon."

"Um..." Laura rubbed an eye with her free hand. She was still not entirely awake. "Thanks, but I-"

"Oh, of course. You called to tell me something, didn't you? Well, spit it out, before you make us both late."

"I can't come to work today."

Betty froze in the middle of fastening an earring, her phone held to her ear by her shoulder. "You what?"

"I, ah... I'm having a.... family emergency." Quickly, Laura added, "I'm so sorry. I hate to do this to you. I know how important it is that I be there right now, but I just- I can't."

Betty sighed. "No, look, it's okay. I get it. These things happen. Just... I would say to take all the time you need, but we don't really have that kind of time."

"I understand. Thanks so much, Betty. I'll be back as soon as possible."

"All right. Bye." 

"Bye. See you soon."

Betty hung up and slipped her phone back into her purse, then walked down the hall and pushed open the door all the way at the end.

Her young daughter Aria slumbered peacefully within. She would continue to do so until her live-in nanny awoke her hours later to get ready for school. 

Betty's heart ached. This job demanded so much of her, and though she loved it, she hated that it took her away from her daughter so often. Being a single, working mother was difficult, but she was doing her best.

Betty stepped inside the room, bent down, and planted a soft kiss on her daughter's forehead.

Then, she straightened, eyes stinging, and left for work.

* * *

After ending the call with Betty, Laura headed back upstairs to check on Carmilla. 

Carmilla's condition worried her, especially given that she'd been more or less fine yesterday. Although, come to think of it, she had seemed a bit tired. But Laura had assumed it was because of the things they'd gotten up to the night before.

When she opened the door, she noticed that Carmilla appeared to be asleep. Her eyes were shut, and her chest rose and fell with regular breathing.

Laura let out a small breath of relief, and turned around to return downstairs. She clearly wasn't going to get any more sleep, so she might as well run a few errands while Carmilla didn't need her.

* * *

Laura returned to the brownstone at 6:30 AM, laden with plastic CVS bags filled with all the essentials for treating a cold. Tissues, cough drops, extra-strength Tylenol, decongestants, Vicks VapoRub, packets of Theraflu. The works.

She'd also picked up a few groceries from a nearby store, thinking she might be able to scrape together some soup for Carmilla despite her abysmal cooking abilities. But she had a plan; she'd just call Perry and ask if she had a recipe. There was no doubt in Laura's mind that she did.

As soon as she put away the groceries, Laura checked on Carmilla again. She was still asleep.

It was 7 now, so Laura decided to call Perry. She had to be up by now.

"Laura!" Perry chirped, answering on the second ring. "Good morning!" And then, after a short pause, "Why are you calling? Aren't you at work right now?"

"No," Laura sighed. "I'm not. Carmilla's really sick."

"Carmilla?"

"Oh. Yeah. Uh, Carmilla and I kind of got back together."

"Again?"

Laura nodded, then remembered that Perry couldn't see her. "Yes. Again."

"Well, then I'm very happy for you," Perry responded, with only slight apprehension. "And I'm certain LaFontaine will be over the moon when they find out," she added, perking up.

Laura chuckled. "I'm glad. Anyway, I was just calling because I wanted to make soup for Carmilla, but in case you didn't know, I kind of suck at cooking."

Perry let out a loud laugh. "Sweetie, we're all quite aware."

Laura rolled her eyes, smiling as she absentmindedly paced towards the kitchen window. "I was wondering if maybe you had a recipe or something. I may be an awful chef, but I can follow rules really well."

"Of course! I know a great one. I'll send it to you."

"Awesome. Thanks, Perry."

"It's my pleasure. I hope Carmilla feels better."

"Me too," Laura sighed. "Bye. Thanks again."

"You're very welcome. Goodbye!"

Minutes later, her phone dinged with a text. The recipe.

Laura scanned it and grinned. It wasn't difficult at all. She just had to cut everything up, throw it in a pot, and cook it for a few hours. She could manage that.

So, she got started.

In less than fifteen minutes, all the ingredients were in the pot, boiling away. A smaller pot with water, lemon, and slices of ginger was heating on the burner next to it to make tea.

Laura smiled proudly as she looked over the stove. She was getting the hang of this.

When the tea was done, she turned off the heat and poured some of it into a mug, then added profuse amounts of honey and stirred it in. She took the mug and the bag of amenities upstairs to the bedroom.

She could hear Carmilla coughing from all the way down the hall. Frowning with worry, Laura picked up her pace, walking as fast as she could without spilling the tea.

She pushed open the door. Carmilla was in the throes of another intense coughing fit. She was sitting up again, though each cough threw her torso forward and forced it to bend over. The coughs were wetter and thicker than they'd been earlier.

Laura rushed over to her, eyes wide. She placed the tea on the nightstand and then grabbed a tissue from the box in the CVS bag and held it to Carmilla's mouth. "Spit," she whispered.

A hacking noise came from the back of Carmilla's throat, and then she spit something into the tissue. Laura removed it from her mouth. It was covered in a thick yellowish-white liquid.

Upon seeing it, Laura shuddered, and promptly tossed the tissue into the wastebasket by her nightstand. She grabbed a few more tissues and handed them to Carmilla. "Good. That's good. You have to get that stuff out."

Carmilla took them from her and coughed into them herself. More viscous fluid came out.

Laura scooted closer to her and began to rub her back again. "Get out as much as you can," she murmured.

This continued on for several long minutes, destroying quite a few tissues.

At last, the fit ended, and Carmilla collapsed back onto the pillows. Looking at her, Laura though she might cry. She looked so weak and frail.

Unable to look at Carmilla anymore, Laura turned and grabbed the tea off the nightstand. 

Even in her deteriorated state, Carmilla managed to give the mug a scathing side-eye.

Laura rolled her eyes. "Don't give me that." She brought the tea to Carmilla's lips. "Drink."

Carmilla turned her head away. "I don't want it," she croaked.

"You need it," Laura said. "It's good for you. It'll help with your nose and throat and it'll probably make your cough better too."

Carmilla didn't budge.

"If you won't do it for yourself, do it for me," Laura pleaded. "Please, Carm."

Finally, Carmilla let out a small breath. "Fine." 

Laura sighed, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "Thank you."

Laura helped her sit up again. Carmilla took a tentative sip of the tea, and then began to take gulps. Soon, the cup was empty.

"See?" Laura smiled at her and rubbed her arm. "That wasn't so bad, was it?"

Carmilla shrugged and didn't respond. She had closed her eyes.

Laura was finding her silence unnerving. That had to be the worst part about Carmilla being sick. Most of the snark and sass that always made Laura laugh was gone. 

"So, Carm, I need you to tell me exactly how you're feeling, what's wrong and how. I need to know if I should-" She swallowed. "I can't help if I don't know." 

Carmilla's eyelashes fluttered, and she leaned against Laura. "I-" 

For a moment, a dangerous tickle flared in her throat. But then it stopped, and she continued. "It's... My throat is....on fire, and it's always itchy, and my lungs...They feel-"

She never got to finish, as the coughing swiftly took over once more, spurred on by all the talking.

Laura bit her lip and stared at Carmilla with concern.

Carmilla coughed and coughed. Tears pricked the corners of her eyes with the pain. She coughed for probably three straight minutes while Laura looked on, helpless.

The coughing grew in intensity. Her body shook violently with each expulsion.

At last, it got to a point where all the coughing began to trigger her gag reflex.

It all happened so fast. First, she was coughing. Then, she was gagging. Then, before either of them knew what was happening, she vomited.

The coughing stopped almost immediately.

Carmilla stared down at the sheets, at the bile that soaked them and that was now dripping down her chin and shirt, with a look of mild confusion on her face.

Then, she realized what she had done, and she burst into tears, sobbing like a child.

Laura's eyes widened. "Oh, Carm..."

She took another few tissues and gently wiped Carmilla's chin and mouth, then helped her up and off the bed to the window seat. She helped Carmilla out of her t-shirt and into a new one. Then, she hugged Carmilla tightly and began to stroke her hair, rocking her back and forth and murmuring soothingly. "Shhh. It's okay. You're okay." 

"I'm sorry," Carmilla sobbed. "I'm sorry."

"No, no, no. You don't need to be sorry. You're sick. It isn't your fault."

Carmilla just clung to her and continued to cry. 

Laura was horrified to see Carmilla like this, so ill and so broken, but she obviously couldn't show it. All she knew now was that Carmilla needed to see a doctor, and soon.

It took a while, but at last Laura had gotten Carmilla to calm down. She planted a kiss on Carmilla's forehead before walking over to the bed and beginning to strip it of its soiled sheets.

Carmilla looked on silently from the window seat. Her fingers worried anxiously at the hem of her t-shirt.

Laura replaced the sheets as quickly as she could, then shoved all the dirty sheets and the ruined t-shirt into a garbage bag to take down to the washing machine later. She returned to Carmilla, who looked so incredibly pitiful, and put an arm around her shoulder. "Come on. Let's get you back into bed."

* * *

The landline rang in Betty Spielsdorf's office at 9, hours after she'd arrived. The red light next to "Line 1" was lit up. She knew what that meant.

Betty picked up the phone. "Yes, Miss Morgan?"

"My office. Now."

The line went dead.

Betty felt a strange feeling spread through her body. It started at her fingertips and moved inwards towards her core. It was not quite fear, but it was something close.

Miss Morgan was _not_ a woman of few words. She loved to talk, and loved making her conversations as dramatic and lengthy as possible. A curt response like that almost certainly meant something was wrong.

She headed directly for the elevators, barely pausing to say hello to any of her colleagues that she passed. Her mind was racing at top speed. What could possibly be happening now?

When she reached the top floor, she dashed towards the office and walked right in, without a word of protest from the receptionist. She was so used to Betty's frequent comings and goings that she no longer even noticed anymore.

Lilita was standing by the large window that made up the entire left wall, arms crossed. She looked more austere than ever, with her black pantsuit and her bloodred lipstick. The black curtains had been drawn, and the dark office was uncharacteristically bright.

She turned her head ever so slightly in Betty's direction.

"We have a problem," she said, not bothering with greetings.  "Someone's decided to air some of our dirty laundry."

Betty nodded. "I'll take care of it. Just let me know what I have to do."

"It's not that simple." Lilita turned to face Betty head-on. "Sit down."

Betty pulled out the chair across from Lilita's desk and sat. Lilita crossed the room and took a seat as well, behind her desk.

"What's going on?" Betty asked. 

The uncomfortable feeling swelled in her chest. Her heart was telling her to run. But she stayed put.

Lilita slid a manila file across the desk. "See for yourself."

Betty opened it and began to read the first few pages.

As she read more, her hands began to tremble. She couldn't deny it anymore- she was scared.

Finally, she looked up. "This...this isn't real, is it?"

Lilita didn't say anything.

"Oh my god." Betty's voice shook. "You're serious."

"Do I look like I'm joking?" Lilita snapped.

"But this- This is-"

"Illegal?" Lilita laughed. "Elizabeth, darling. You aren't really so naive that you think Silas Industries has never done something illegal, are you?"

"No, I know, I just- I just don't understand how you could do _this_."

Lilita waved a hand dismissively. "Please. This is tame compared to what most companies do. And it's not illegal if you don't get caught."

Betty remained silent, staring wide-eyed at Lilita. 

"Oh, would you wipe that shocked look off your face? This is a corporation. Lawbreaking just comes with the territory." Lilita rolled her eyes. "Besides, I don't pay you to sit here and stare. I pay you to make this go away."

"You want me to-"

"Cover it up? Yes, that is exactly what I want." Lilita clasped her hands together. "But I don't want you to do it." She shook her head, a small smile spreading across her lips. "I want this job to go to Laura Hollis."

"Laura? Why Laura?"

"I have my own reasons, none of which concern you." She leaned back in her chair. "So, you'll do it?"

"N-No," Betty stammered.

"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. You're doing it."

"No," Betty said, more confidently. "No. Leave her out of it. Make me do it, by all means, but she shouldn't have to get involved in this."

Lilita sighed. "Betty. Don't you understand? You're getting an out here. I'm not making _you_ participate in a coverup of dubious legality. Your only job is to make her do it."

Betty swallowed hard, steeling her nerves against the fear that wracked her body. "I won't. And I know she won't either."

"You both will."

"We won't."

Lilita stood from her chair with a resigned breath. "Suit yourself."

Betty looked up at her, confused. Was it really over? Just like that?

"The other day, I was watching the news," Lilita said, walking back over to the window. "There was this awful story on. A little girl, about five years old, was crossing the street with her nanny when they were tragically hit by a speeding car. The driver was never caught. And the whole time, her mother was at work, completely unaware that she would soon go home to an empty house. I believe the little girl's name was Aria."

Betty stiffened.

"Quite a shame, really. Such an unnecessary waste of human life. Wouldn't you simply hate for that to happen?"

Betty looked up at Lilita with cold, watering eyes, and even before she said anything Lilita knew she'd won.

In one final act of desperation, Betty said softly, "Laura won't do this."

"A minute ago, you said you wouldn't either," Lilita said, and handed her three more manila folders. "Give these to her."

Betty stared out the window. She could just barely spy the tip of the Freedom Tower poking into the sky. She took a deep breath. It shook on the exhale. "Fine."

Lilita's smile slid into a grotesque grin of triumph. "I knew you'd come around."

Betty rose to leave, the four manila files in her hand.

"That's the problem with love," Lilita said, as Betty reached the doorframe. "It can be a source of great strength, but it is almost always a person's greatest weakness."

Betty clenched her fists so hard the knuckles turned white. The folders crumpled a bit where she held them.

"Don't you love anyone?" she asked.

Lilita turned, and though Betty didn't turn around to face her, she could feel those dark eyes boring into her back.

"Do I seem weak to you?"

Betty didn't respond and strode out of the office.

As soon as she was alone in the elevator, she broke down in tears.

_Aria,_ she thought. _Aria. This is all for Aria._

* * *

When Carmilla woke up, she felt infinitely worse.

Her head pounded like someone was hammering it from the inside. Her throat burned like a literal fire. She felt a thick heaviness on her chest that made it hard to breathe.

It had been about two hours since she'd thrown up, and she'd managed to fall into a fitful sleep. Not without help from Laura, of course; she had laid with her and stroked her hair and murmured sweet nothings into her ear to soothe her into unconsciousness. 

But now, she noticed, she was alone.

She tried to call for Laura, wanting that love and comfort back. But no words came out. Her throat was completely blocked.

She tried again. "L-Laau...raa..."

Her voice was little more than an awful creak, far too soft for Laura to hear all the way downstairs. 

Carmilla started to become desperate. It might be hours before Laura came back. She needed her _now_.

The only option was to go and get her.

She shifted her position on the bed and sat up slowly, with little issue.

But when she tried to stand, she managed to get two steps away from the bed before a wave of dizziness overtook her, and she collapsed.

_Great_.

* * *

Downstairs, Laura was looking up Carmilla's symptoms on her phone as she watched the soup and a new batch of tea that boiled on the stove. So far, the evidence was pointing to an infection of some kind, which meant that Carmilla would need antibiotics. And to get those, she needed a doctor. Laura planned on making the appointment tomorrow, if Carmilla didn't get better by then.

She was just stirring some honey into a new cup of tea for Carmilla when she heard a loud thump upstairs.

"Carm?" she called.

No response.

"Carmilla?" Laura rushed upstairs, tea in hand, and threw open her bedroom door.

Carmilla was sprawled on the floor, clutching her head. When she heard Laura enter, she looked up at her and reached a hand out towards her.

"Carm," Laura gasped, and set the tea aside to help her up and back into bed. "Are you all right?"

Carmilla tried to speak, to tell her she was okay, but she couldn't say a word. 

Laura settled her back into the pillows and pulled the blanket over her. "Honey, what's wrong?"

Carmilla motioned to her throat and shook her head.

"You can't talk?"

Carmilla nodded.

Laura bit her lip, face awash in worry. "Okay. Don't try talking anymore." She grabbed the tea and gave it to her. "Drink it all. No arguing."

Carmilla took it and gulped it down so fast Laura worried she'd choke. She didn't even give Laura so much as a sarcastic eye-roll before drinking.

"I'm gonna bring you a lot of tea today, because the best thing for you is to get lots of liquids. It'll make you feel so much better."

Carmilla nodded and leaned back against the pillows, closing her eyes.

Laura kissed her forehead. "Hang in there."

She went downstairs, filled the cup with tea again, and went back upstairs, then had Carmilla drink all of it. She repeated this process over and over again.

_T_ _his should make up for all those times I skipped going to the gym,_  she thought as she stood there, panting, while Carmilla polished off another cup. Going up and down all those stairs was a real workout.

But finally, it started to pay off.

Carmilla's voice came back little by little with each cup, and the honey soothed her throat. Her coughing subsided as well.

Proud of the moderate success of her pains, Laura kept up the flow of tea, despite the burning in her thighs from all the exercise. She really needed to get to the gym more.

Laura gave Carmilla the soup at around one in the afternoon and sat next to her as she ate, waiting anxiously for her opinion.

Carmilla smiled blissfully after taking the first sip. "It's delicious. Thank you."

Laura beamed. She'd finally cooked something that was edible. "Thank Perry, not me."

Despite how good the soup was, Carmilla's appetite had disappeared due to her illness. She was barely able to finish half of the bowl. Laura took it downstairs and put it in the fridge, then stared at it. It looked so lonely, in that empty white space.

It also reminded her how hungry she was.   
So, she called a nearby chinese restaurant for delivery, and while she waited for it, she resumed the tea train. 

Carmilla didn't think she'd ever been so hydrated in her life.

When her food came, Laura brought it upstairs so she didn't have to leave Carmilla alone, along with yet another mug of tea.

"Can we take a break from tea now?" Carmilla asked after downing the cup. "I just want you here."

Laura nodded. "Of course," she mumbled around a mouthful of noodles.

Laura was done eating in mere minutes, and after she'd taken her garbage downstairs she returned and sat next to her girlfriend, resuming her place in the book she was in the middle of. It was the same one she'd bought the day she'd met Carmilla. After that day, her life had gotten so crazy that she'd been unable to finish it.

Carmilla tried to read over her shoulder, but Laura's warmth and calming presence eased her back into slumber. Her head came to rest on Laura's shoulder as she slept.

Laura looked down at Carmilla and smiled gently, and stayed perfectly still as she read her book.

* * *

When Laura finished the book, she glanced over at the clock on her nightstand while wiping away tears from her eyes. 9:00. Carmilla was still asleep, though when Laura leaned over to put her book away she began to stir.

"Laura?" she murmured groggily.

"Shh," Laura whispered, easing Carmilla's head from her shoulder. She fixed the pillows so Carmilla could sleep properly and lowered her onto them. "Go back to sleep."

Carmilla did, almost immediately. 

Laura got herself ready for bed and then slipped in beside Carmilla. She was asleep before she knew it.

* * *

Two AM.

Carmilla jolted awake with the familiar urge to cough irritating her throat.

Laura continued to sleep next to her, oblivious to Carmilla's plight. Taking care of Carmilla had clearly tired her out. Carmilla knew that. She didn't want to wake her.

So she bit her tongue and shut her mouth tight, trying to hold them back.

It seemed to be effective at first. However, the coughs began to grow more and more intense. As it became harder to suppress them, the tickle moved higher and higher until her gag reflex was triggered.

Knowing what was coming, Carmilla got out of bed, wanting to get to the bathroom preemptively. As soon as she stood up, she was overcome by dizziness again, but she held on to the nightstand and then onto various pieces of furniture and was able to make her way to the door. 

In the hall, she grabbed the railing that separated the hallway from the plunge down into the stairwell and used it to support herself as she staggered down the hall.

She made it to the bathroom just in time, shutting the door behind her and letting her coughs go. They were even worse than they had been at the start, having been suppressed for so long. 

After just a few seconds of coughing, she dropped to her knees in front of the toilet and vomited, followed by a few painful dry-heaves.

For a moment she just sat there, head bowed over the toilet, shaking like a leaf. She felt so incredibly weak.

Finally, she wiped her mouth with her hand and gripped onto the sink to help her stand. She took a step towards the door, but the dizziness returned. This time, she couldn't fight it, and she fell.

A few inches to the right and she might have been fine. But her trajectory sent her head straight for the toilet seat.

It made contact with a sickening crack.

Pain bloomed in Carmilla's brain, scarlet and sharp.

And then there was nothing but black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's title came from "Various Storms and Saints" by Florence + The Machine.
> 
> And the plot thickens... Poor Betty. >:)


	11. and it's your pride that's keeping us still so far apart (but if you give a little so will i)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Featuring hospitals, nightmares, and a very happy intern.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SO SORRY this took so long! I never meant to leave you guys hanging all this time. Life got in the way. *shakes fist at holiday season*  
> However, this chapter is a little bit longer than usual, so there's that.

 

 

 

 

Laura awoke to the sound of coughing.

She was confused. It sounded indistinct, far away. She couldn't feel the bed shaking with each one. 

Eyes still shut, she groped around blindly on the bed beside her, feeling for Carmilla's body. The sheets were still warm, but the space next to her was empty.

The coughing cut off, and then she heard the familiar sound of someone vomiting.

Laura sat straight up. The worry surging through her veins was strong enough to force her eyelids open at last. "Carmilla?" she called softly.

The vomiting stopped, and then nothing.

Laura sighed and got out of bed. She grabbed her cell phone from the nightstand and turned on the flashlight app, then trudged sleepily to the bathroom down the hall with the phone lighting her way. 

The bathroom door was closed, and Laura could spy light coming from the crack beneath it. She knocked on the door lightly. "Carm? Is everything okay?"

No answer.

She knocked a bit more forcefully. "Carm?"

Silence.

Laura felt cold all over. Something wasn't right.

She tried the knob. Finding it unlocked, she carefully pushed open the door.

Vomit in the toilet. 

Blood on the tiles. 

Carmilla splayed out on the floor, unconscious.

"Carmilla!" Laura screamed, falling to her knees beside her girlfriend's body. She lifted Carmilla's shoulders and shook her lightly. _"Carmilla!"_

Carmilla's head lolled to the side. She remained unresponsive.

Laura could feel herself starting to hyperventilate. She tried to take deep breaths to calm down, but one look at the red pool by Carmilla's head was enough to send her back into complete distress.

Hands shaking, Laura picked up her cell phone and dialed 911.

"911, what is your emergency?"

"Um- I- My girlfriend is- I think she fell and she won't wake up and I don't know what to do," Laura stammered.

"All right, ma'am, just calm down. Everything's going to be fine. I'm sending you an ambulance. Did she hit her head?"

"I don't know, I don't know! I just came into the bathroom and she was on the floor and I-"

The dispatcher cut her off. "Breathe, ma'am. I need you to check her head for any injuries."

Laura swallowed and bent over Carmilla, pushing her dark hair out of her face. There was a small cut on the side of her forehead, almost disappearing into her hairline.

"Yeah, she- there's a cut here."

"How large?"

"It's- it's not big- less than an inch."

"Is she bleeding?"

"Y-yes. She's bleeding a lot. Oh god, oh god, there's so much blood-"

"Ma'am, please listen to me. Here's what I want you to do. Keep her head elevated, and put a compress on her cut. It can be anything. Just try to stop the bleeding. Emergency medical services are on their way."

"O-Okay. Thank you." Laura hung up, no less terrified than she had been before, and pulled Carmilla's head into her lap. Her black, blood-soaked hair stained Laura's pajama pants.

Laura reached up and grabbed a washcloth that sat folded on the sink's edge. She pressed it against Carmilla's cut and held it there with one hand, stroking Carmilla's hair with the other. 

"You're gonna be okay, Carm," she managed to say through profuse tears. "You're gonna be okay."

_You have to be okay._

* * *

 

The ambulance got there in record time, though it seemed like an eternity to Laura. Two paramedics strapped Carmilla to a stretcher and carried her out, a tearful Laura following behind. 

When she reached the door, she pulled her tan coat around her, slipped into the sneakers she'd left there weeks ago (after a failed attempt at exercise), and flew down the stairs outside of the brownstone to where Carmilla was being loaded into the ambulance. "Wait! I'm going with her!"

"Ma'am, I think you may want to meet us there," said one of the paramedics. "It'd be easier for you."

"No, I'm going with her," Laura insisted. "I have to stay with her."

"She's in good hands," he tried to argue.

"I'm going."

"Let her come," the other sighed. "We have questions for her, anyway."

The first paramedic seemed like he wanted to contest this further, but also appeared to realize they didn't have time to fight. He waved a hand at the ambulance in resignation. "Get in."

Laura clambered inside and sat on the small bench within, staring at Carmilla's unconscious form in the gurney. She grabbed one of her pale hands and held it tightly. It was cold in her grasp. Laura could feel a feeble pulse fluttering under the skin of Carmilla's wrist.

The ambulance had begun driving almost before the doors were closed, sirens wailing to clear the road ahead. As they sped past street after street, the paramedics worked in overdrive over Carmilla's body, sticking a needle into her hand, pressing an oxygen mask over her mouth and nose, temporarily bandaging the cut on her head. Laura was forced to let go of Carmilla's hand to let them work and watched this all transpire with mild horror. 

Another paramedic, who had been waiting for the others inside the ambulance, began to question Laura. It helped some to distract from all the poking and prodding being done to her girlfriend only millimeters away.

"What is your name?"

"Laura. Laura Hollis."

"And hers?" the woman asked, gesturing to Carmilla.

"Carmilla." Laura paused. "I, um- I don't know her last name."

The paramedic looked mildly surprised, and pursed her lips. "What is your relationship to her?" 

"Girlfriend. I'm her girlfriend... What does that have to do with anything?"

"Not much, but it helps me get an idea of how much of her medical history you'd know."

"Oh." Laura shook her head. "I- I don't know a lot."

She was ashamed to admit it.

"Well, do your best. Any allergies to food, animals, medication?"

"Uh... I don't think so."

"Any fainting or other conditions in her family history?"

"I'm not sure. But this has never happened to her before." 

_That you know of,_  the little voice in her brain said.

"Describe the situation for me, please."

Laura gulped. "She was sick already-"

"With what?"

"I'm not sure. It seemed like just a cold at first, but she got worse and started coughing a lot, and then she'd cough so hard she'd throw up. She couldn't walk either. She'd get too dizzy and she'd fall. I was going to take her to the doctor tomorrow."

"What happened before you found her?"

"I woke up in the middle of the night and she wasn't there. I heard her coughing in the bathroom, and then I heard her throwing up. I think..." 

A sick feeling crept in and settled in the pit of Laura's stomach as she realized what must have happened. "I think she got up because she didn't want to wake me." 

Tears pricked Laura's eyes, blurring her vision. Carmilla had gone to the bathroom to give Laura a few extra minutes of sleep and then fell and hit her head and all Laura could think was _This is all my fault._

"Okay." The woman patted Laura's knee. "Sit tight. We'll be there soon."

Laura stared down at her lap. She said nothing, though the same couldn't be said for her brain.

_This is all your fault._

_You should have known._

_Why didn't you get her help sooner?_

 

_Why didn't you notice she needed you?_

_Why?_

* * *

When they arrived at the hospital, the paramedics quickly wheeled Carmilla away to some unknown fate. Laura was left behind in the waiting room, shivering, sobbing, and alone.

Just then, she heard a familiar voice call her name. "Laura?"

Laura looked up, disbelievingly. "Danny?" She sniffled pitifully and wiped her eyes. "What are you doing here?"

Danny was coming out of the ladies' room by the receptionist's desk. "Oh, there were some problems with my insurance when I got my physical the other day. I just came by to sort them out." She smiled, but that smile quickly faded when she noticed the redness of Laura's eyes and and the blood staining her pajama pants. She rushed to Laura's side. "Oh my god, Laura, what's wrong?"

"Carmilla- She's-" Laura began to cry once more, and was unable to finish.

Danny bit her lip. She hated to see Laura like this. 

She put an arm around her and held her close against her side as she cried.

"It's going to be okay," she whispered.

Laura just wept in Danny's arms, for what felt like an eternity.

At last, Danny rubbed her back gently and said, "Look, I'll stay here as long as I can, but do you want me to call LaF and Perry? They can stay with you in case I have to leave."

Laura nodded tearfully. "Thank you."

Danny gave her a small smile, and then rose and walked a few yards away to make her phone call.

Laura stayed in the rubbery hospital chair. She shut her eyes tight, blocking out the harsh glare of the fluorescent lights overhead, and tried to calm down. But all she could see was Carmilla on the floor in a pool of her own blood. 

She wasn't sure how long it had been before there were suddenly two people on either side of her murmuring words of comfort and then she was crying again and she couldn't seem to stop.

"Laura Hollis?"

Four heads (three of them ginger) looked up.

A doctor stood before them, a white coat over his antiseptic hospital-green scrubs. He was of Asian descent. Through the tears that blurred her vision, Laura could just read the name on his ID card: "Theo Straka".

"Y-yes, that's me."

He smiled at her, and her heart soared.

"Carmilla is going to be just fine.We're going to need to keep her overnight for observation just in case, but we don't expect any problems."

The doctor kept talking, detailing what exactly had been wrong with Carmilla, but Laura barely registered any of it. Blood roared in her ears, blocking every sound. 

_She's okay._

_She's okay._

_She's okay._

"Can I see her?" Laura blurted, interrupting the doctor's speech.

He smiled again. "She just woke up. She's been asking for you."

Laura took a step forward, then turned back to her friends, who were beaming (even Danny). "Thank you," she said softly.

"Of course," Perry said.

"No problem," LaFontaine added.

Danny just looked at her with sad eyes. "Go."

"Miss Hollis, if you would follow me, please."

Laura turned back around, and quickly followed the doctor as he strode down the hall, leaving her friends behind.

* * *

"She's just through that door there," Theo said, gesturing to a room at the end of the hall. 

Laura nodded her thanks and started walking towards the door.

And then she was running.

And then she was throwing open the door and bursting into the room and there was Carmilla laying in the bed, looking so incredibly small in her paper hospital gown, a bit of gauze taped over the cut on her forehead.

Hearing the door open, Carmilla looked up. She was still groggy from her fall, so she wasn't sure if it was real or if she was just imagining things. 

But the sight that greeted her let her know it was very, very real.

Laura was still in her (bloody) pj's and looked like a total mess. Her red eyes gave away all the tears she had shed over the last few hours, and her hair was mussed and still in the throes of bedhead.

Carmilla gave her a tiny smile. 

"Well, that was a kick," she croaked.

"Carm!" Laura cried, and she ran forward and threw her arms around her girlfriend.

Carmilla laughed weakly and returned the gesture as best she could while lying down. But soon the laughs dissolved into coughs.

Laura pulled back a little, grabbed her hand and clutched it tightly.

Carmilla interlocked fingers with her, breathing a little easier as the coughs eased, but she winced a bit as Laura's grip grew tighter and let out a gasp of pain.

Laura let go immediately. "Sorrysorrysorry, did I hurt you? I hurt you didn't I? I'm so sorry I didn't mean to-"

Carmilla squeezed her hand gently. "Laura. It's alright. You just..." She looked down at her left hand.

Laura followed her gaze and noticed the IV needle sticking out of a vein on Carmilla's hand, the one holding her own. The one she had just accidentally pushed down on. Carmilla was trying to keep a brave face, but Laura could clearly tell how much pain she was in.

It was one thing too much.

Laura's face crumpled, and tears began to roll down her cheeks. She couldn't meet Carmilla's eyes and stared at the floor, weeping silently.

Carmilla's eyebrows knit together in worry. "Hey, cupcake, don't cry. I'm okay. I'm fine."

"I- I just keep _hurting_  you, Carmilla- I- I don't-" Laura hiccuped, unable to stop the tears from falling. 

Carmilla's eyes softened. She moved her legs a bit to the side, clearing a space on the bed. "C'mere."

Laura sat, still crying. The papery sheets crinkled under her weight.

"This- This is all my fa- fault," she sobbed.

"Don't be ridiculous," Carmilla sighed. 

"It is."

"How?"

"I- I should have been paying more attention- I should have gotten help earlier-"

"Stop." Carmilla shifted her position so she sat a little higher. "Do you even know why I'm here?"

Laura said nothing.

"I woke up coughing. I tried to hold them back, but it completely backfired and I felt like I had to throw up, so I went to the bathroom, and when I stood up from the toilet I got dizzy and I fell and hit my head. That's it. That is all that happened." Carmilla leaned back against the pillows. "Tell me how exactly any of that was your fault."

Laura looked at her with watering eyes. "I don't know."

"That's because you didn't do anything."

Laura nodded slowly, but then she started crying again.

"Oh, for god's sake. What now?" Carmilla sighed.

Laura laughed despite her tears, and Carmilla smiled, glad she was able to bring some happiness back to Laura (no matter how little). But it didn't last long.

"I was so scared," Laura whispered. "I thought you were going to die."

She dissolved right back into tears.

Carmilla sat up slowly, and Laura reached out and grabbed her shoulders to steady her. 

Carmilla leaned her forehead on Laura's. They were only inches apart.

"I'm not going anywhere," Carmilla breathed.

Laura's sobs slowed to sniffles, and she closed her eyes. Carmilla did the same.

They stayed there silently for a few minutes.

"I really want to kiss you."

Carmilla chuckled. "No. You're going to get sick."

Laura pouted, and then leaned in and planted a small kiss on Carmilla's cheek. "I guess that'll have to do, then," she sighed.

Carmilla rolled her eyes. "You'll live."

Laura laughed again, and this time there were no tears, and this time Carmilla remembered to say something very important. "I love you."

"I love you too."

* * *

A knock on the door.

Laura looked up. A few hours had passed. She and Carmilla hadn't been doing much; Carmilla had been trying to convince Laura that they could easily have sex in that bed "right here, right now," and Laura was having none of it, insisting that "You shouldn't overexert yourself until you're better!"

"I'm telling you," Carmilla continued as Laura got off the bed to open the door (she wondered why whoever it was didn't just come in; that was usually the custom in hospitals), "hospital sex is so hot. Don't deny it. You know you're going to regret missing this opportunity."

"It's not hot when _one of us_ almost _died_."

"I did not almost die," Carmilla spouted indignantly. "I almost got brain damage. There's a difference. Plus," she said, her voice sliding into seduction mode, "we can finally do that doctor-patient fantasy you've been dreaming about."

"Yeah, but in that fantasy you're the doctor," Laura said as she pulled the handle of the door open.

"But Lauraaaaaa, you know I'm a bottom-" Carmilla began to complain, but then she saw who was at the door.

"Kirsch?"

Kirsch widened his eyes, peering around Laura with a huge grin on his face. "You're a bottom? I so totally knew it."

Carmilla groaned and sank downwards in the bed, pulling the blankets over her face. "Laura, please unplug my life support."

"You're not on life support, drama queen," Laura sighed. 

"We just _had_  to go to this hospital, didn't we?"

"Well it's not like I had much of a choice!" Laura frowned and put her hands on her hips. "In case you don't remember, you were unconscious and bleeding _on our bathroom floor_. This place was the closest."

"Hey, uh, Carmilla's girlfriend, can you maybe let me get in there?" Kirsch said, trying to squeeze past her.

Laura turned back to Kirsch. "Wait..." she said, narrowing her eyes. "I know you... Aren't you that bartender from the Lustig?" Laura looked him up and down, only growing more confused. "Why are you in scrubs?"

Carmilla's head popped back up. "Cause he's an intern."

Laura took a step back. "He's a what now."

Kirsch nodded eagerly. "I'm in med school!" he chirped.

Laura's head whipped around to stare at Carmilla. _What?_  she mouthed, eyebrows rising so high with her surprise that they almost reached her hairline.

"I know. He may seem like a total fuckboy, but he's just a little nerd at heart." Carmilla grinned at Kirsch, who glared back at her with an indignant "Hey!"

Laura looked back at Kirsch, who had edged past her into the room and was flipping a paper on his clipboard. "Then why do you work at a bar?" she asked him.

He laughed. "Student loans don't pay themselves." 

"Oh."

"Plus, it's a great place to meet hotties." 

Carmilla burst out laughing. "And the truth comes out."

Kirsch walked over to Carmilla's IV and checked the level of fluid in the bag. He wrote something down on the clipboard. "Oh, Theo told me what happened to you. That's rough, man."

Carmilla rolled her eyes. "That's one way of putting it."

"Yeah, he says you might have a concussion."

"Wonderful."

Kirsch wrote a few more things, then flipped the papers back down. "Okay. Hate to be a cockblock-"

Carmilla let out another loud groan and covered her face with her hands.

"-though I guess that doesn't really make sense since neither of you have-"

"Dear god, take me now," Carmilla moaned.

"-you know what, I'm just not going to finish that sentence."

"That's probably wise," Laura sighed.

"Anyway." Kirsch turned to Laura. "Visiting hours ended, like, an hour ago. I didn't want to kick you out but now you really gotta go."

Laura sat firmly on the end of the bed and crossed her arms. "Nope."

Kirsch looked thoroughly confused. "What? No. You gotta."

"I'm not leaving."

"I- I'm real sorry, little hottie-"

Carmilla bristled with anger. "Don't call her that," she hissed, eyes blazing.

Laura squeezed Carmilla's foot. "Shh. I can defend myself." She stared at Kirsch. "My name is Laura."

Kirsch at least looked a bit ashamed. "Uh, sorry, Laura. But there's nothing I can do. If you're not her immediate family, you can't stay."

Suddenly the door opened. All eyes swiveled towards it.

"Sorry to intrude, but I-"

Kirsch let out a long, loud whistle. "Niiiiice."

Carmilla glared. "What are _you_  doing here, Big Red?"

Laura rubbed her ankle. "Be nice." She turned to Danny with a smile. "Hey! I thought you left."

Danny scratched the back of her neck sheepishly. "I, uh, I canceled with work. I thought you might need a ride home or something."

"Aw, Danny, that's so sweet. Thank you."

"Laura, I think I have to throw up," Carmilla whined.

Laura turned around, eyes full of concern. "Really?"

"Yeah." Carmilla cracked a grin. "All that ass-kissing is making me sick."

Laura frowned. "That's not funny, Carm."

"If you weren't in the hospital I'd kick your ass," Danny muttered under her breath.

"Wow, aren't you a spitfire," Kirsch laughed.

"Oh, please. Get a life."

"Get a sense of humor," Carmilla piped up.

"I swear to _god_ ," Danny started, taking a step towards the bed.

"You wouldn't dare," Carmilla laughed, and then faked a pout. "I'm just a poor invalid."

"A sick asshole is still an asshole."

"Ooooooooh! Drag her!" Kirsch shouted gleefully.

"Whose side are you on?" Carmilla spat.

"Hey, you already have a girlfriend! You don't need me to defend you!"

"And I don't need you to defend me!" Danny rounded on Kirsch now, who seemed to be enjoying every moment of it.

"Okay, guys, let's all just calm down." Laura clapped her hands together and stood up, smiling nervously. "Danny, thank you for the ride offer, and for staying with me. I really do appreciate it. But I'm not leaving, so I don't need a ride."

"You should take Spitfire up on her offer," Kirsch said. "You really have to go now."

"My name is Danny!"

"Danny," Kirsch repeated. "Hmm. Short for Danielle?"

Danny rolled her eyes. "For fuck's sake, shut _up._ "

Laura shook her head. "If you think I'm going to leave her, you're insane. You're going to have to forcibly remove me."

Carmilla's heart swelled, and she reached for Laura's hand.

Danny took another step towards Kirsch. "Let her stay, or you'll have a clipboard in places a clipboard should never be."

Laura tried to hold back her laughter as Kirsch's face contorted into an expression of genuine fear. Carmilla didn't even try at all.

"Okay. Fine. Look, since she may have a concussion, she has to stay awake for 24 hours so she doesn't die in her sleep."

"Fun," Carmilla said.

"If you can keep her awake for all that time, you can stay here and I probably won't get fired for it." Kirsch put his hands up in the air in surrender. "And he probably won't, but if Theo _d_ _oes_  come in here and asks why you aren't gone yet, you do NOT tell him it was me who let you stay. Got it?"

Laura nodded. "Thank you."

"Oh, and one last thing." Kirsch grinned at Danny. "I wanna have dinner with you."

Danny's eyes widened.  _"What?"_  

"Dinner or no deal."

"No way."

Kirsch shrugged. "Suit yourself. I think Theo's just down the hall. I can go get him and ask if he can help me get you guys out of here-"

Laura looked at Danny pleadingly. "Danny."

"Ugh, _fine_." 

Kirsch made a huge fist pump and leaped into the air, grinning wildly. "YES!"

Danny glared at Laura as she started out of the room, Kirsch following behind. "You owe me. So much."

"Oh, I know," Laura said, giggling as Kirsch began to spout off every restaurant he knew.

Danny rolled her eyes and slammed the door behind her. 

Carmilla smiled. "So, looks like we've finally got Xena off your back."

Laura returned to Carmilla's bed, hopping up to sit beside her. "She was never _on_  my back." She paused, cocking her head in thought. "Actually, there was this one time—"

"Aaaaand I'm gonna stop you right there, sweetheart," Carmilla interjected with a grimace on her face. "That's one image I certainly do not need in my head, especially if you don't want me to get sicker."

Laura laughed again and kissed Carmilla on the cheek. "You love me anway."

"I do."

* * *

Laura did her job well.

Every time Carmilla seemed ready to doze off, Laura kissed her or teased her or did anything else to get her attention. Sometimes, Carmilla coughed enough to keep herself awake. When that happened, Laura would chug coffee retrieved from the coffee machine down the hall or scarfed down sugary snacks from the sketchy vending machine with a flickering light. She ran purely on caffeine and sugar and force of will for twenty-four hours straight.

At last, Theo returned to the room. Laura was sitting in one of the chairs off to the side, chewing a Snickers bar, and Carmilla was trying her hardest not to pass out. They were both completely drained.

"Well, it looks like you doesn't have any brain damage," the doctor announced cheerfully, regarding his clipboard for quick confirmation. "I'd say you're in the clear to sleep now."

"Thank god," Carmilla sighed.

"I'll send someone over in a few hours to give you your diagnosis and prescription." Theo smiled at the two of them. "You're very lucky, Carmilla." And he left.

Laura stood up, stumbled over to the bed, and climbed in, nestling up close to Carmilla. "I forgot what it was like to pull an all-nighter."

Carmilla put her left arm around Laura and reclined the bed as far as it would go with her free hand. "I told you, if we'd just had sex, you'd be a lot more awake right now."

"I've been up for a good six hours longer than you have. I doubt anything could keep me more awake than coffee."

Carmilla kissed Laura's forehead. "Though I love pillow talk with you, cupcake, my eyelids physically cannot stay open another second."

"You're right. I'm basically asleep right now." Laura reached over and shut off the lamp beside her with a mighty yawn. "Goodnight, Carm."

"Night, cupcake."

They both fell asleep instantly, mid-afternoon sun shining upon them through the window.

* * *

"Up and at 'em, sleeping hotties!"

Carmilla made an unintelligible noise and refused to wake. But Laura, generally a light sleeper, was startled into consciousness by the sudden shout. Her eyes blinked open. "Huh? What? What's going on?"

Kirsch stood before them in all his scrubbed glory, clipboard back in hand. "Looks like you two got pretty cozy while I was gone."

Laura rubbed her eyes and sat up slowly. "It is way too early for this."

"Too early," Carmilla grunted in agreement.

Kirsch cocked an eyebrow. "It's eleven in the morning."

Carmilla rolled over and finally opened her eyes to glare sleepily at Kirsch. "Last time I checked, you didn't have to stay awake for a full day."

"Yeah, but..." Kirsch's face shone with intense happiness, so bright Laura almost had to shield her eyes. "I did stay up all night with a certain redhead."

Laura's mouth dropped open. "You did not!"

Carmilla sat straight up in surprise. "No. There's absolutely no possible way that _you_  of all people could seduce _that_."

He shrugged. "What can I say? It's just the ol' Kirsch charm. Ladies can't resist the Kirsch charm."

Carmilla shuddered. "I think I just vomited a little in my mouth."

Kirsch sat down in a swivel chair in the corner and scooted over to Carmilla's bedside. "But enough about me and my incredible night." 

Carmilla mimed gagging. Laura just looked incredibly pale.

Kirsch ignored Carmilla and held up the clipboard. "I have to ask you a few questions to confirm your diagnosis."

"Shoot."

"What are your symptoms?"

"Intense coughing, bad congestion and general shittiness."

"Um, okay..." Kirsch scribbled something down. "When did your symptoms first arise?"

"The day before you brought me in, so... I guess that's two days ago now, right?"

"Yeah. Okay, now I have to listen to your lungs." He pulled a stethoscope out from under his shirt and stood up. "You, uh, kinda have to pull your shirt up."

"Pervert," Carmilla sighed, but she obliged.

Kirsch pressed the end of the stethoscope to her chest. The metal was freezing cold on her skin. She inhaled sharply from the shock.

Kirsch could hear Carmilla's breath rattling in her lungs. He frowned, and asked her to inhale and exhale deliberately. She did so, and the same noise filled his ears.

He placed the stethoscope on her back then, and repeated the process. The noise didn't change.

Kirsch sat back in his chair and wrote more things down. Then, finally, he said, "One last question."

"Okay. Go."

"Have you ever been sick like this before?"

Carmilla looked down at her lap, then nodded. "Yes."

"When?"

"Uh..." Carmilla took a deep breath, knowing what was to come. "About two months ago. Give or take."

Laura inhaled sharply.

"Oh yeah, I remember that!" Kirsch exclaimed. "That was _crazy_. Good thing we ran into each other when we did."

Carmilla flushed bright red and stayed quiet. Kirsch continued to write, and Laura began to stare at her.

"Okay, and would you say that time was worse, similar, or better than this now?"

Carmilla lifted her gaze, but instead of looking at Kirsch, she looked right at Laura. "Much worse."

Laura suddenly understood everything.

"Okey-doke." Kirsch reached in his pocket and took out a long something, wrapped in paper. He ripped the paper off to reveal two cotton swabs. "Just have to do a strep test, and then I'll be back in twenty minutes."

"What's that?" Carmilla asked.

Laura shuddered, remembering strep tests of her youth. Carmilla noticed and tensed a little as Kirsch pulled on a pair of gloves. 

"Open your mouth and say 'ah'," he said, "and stick out your tongue."

Carmilla opened her mouth just a little. "Ah."

Kirsch frowned. "More."

She rolled her eyes, but opened wider. "Aaaahhh."

Kirsch stuck the swabs in her mouth so they touched the back of her throat and swiped them around quickly before pulling them out. And he did so just in time- as soon as the swab had retreated, Carmilla pitched forward with a violent cough, her throat stinging.

Laura squeezed her hand reassuringly.

"Fuck," Carmilla managed to say. "That was awful."

"I know," Kirsch said, sticking the swabs back in the paper wrapper and writing something on it with a sharpie. "I hated having those done when I was a kid."

"Me too," Laura sighed, watching Carmilla cough.

Kirsch stood up. "Whelp, that's pretty much it. I'm going to go get this tested. See you two in a few minutes."

He left.

Carmilla was still coughing.

Laura gave her a worried glance. "Carm?"

Carmilla looked up at Laura with teary eyes. "Water," she croaked.

Laura sprang up from the bed and filled a small cup at the water cooler, then brought it back. "Here." 

It was gone in seconds.

Carmila rested her head on Laura's shoulder. "What would I do without you?"

"Probably die."

She chuckled. "Probably."

Laura turned her head to look at Carmilla as best as she could. "So. You were sick before."

Carmilla inhaled sharply. "Mm."

"This wouldn't happen to be why you left, was it?"

Carmilla let out all the air in a long sigh. "Yes. It was."

"Oh, Carm. Why didn't you _tell_  me?"

"It meant telling you I was homeless. Which, as you now understand, I was deeply ashamed of." She looked up at Laura with wide eyes. "And after I did tell you, I knew you'd feel guilty if I told you this too. So I just didn't say anything."

Laura paused and looked down at her lap. Her heart hurt. "You're right," she said with a sad laugh. "I do feel guilty."

"Please, don't." Carmilla took her hand. "You didn't do anything."

"All this was going on with you that I had no idea about... And I still assumed the worst-"

"Let's not have this discussion again," Carmilla said. She kissed the side of Laura's head. "I forgave you already, and you forgave me already. It's all in the past. It doesn't matter anymore."

"Okay."

"Is it?"

Laura hesitated for a moment, then nodded. "Yeah. I'm okay."

"Good."

The machines hummed softly in the background as they sat there on the bed.

"Now what's this I heard about Kirsch saving your life?"

Carmilla frowned petulantly. "He only sort of saved my life."

Laura laughed and kissed her on the cheek. "Tell me everything."

* * *

"I'm baaaaaack!" Kirsch's head popped through the door. "Did you miss me?"

"No."

Laura nudged Carmilla in the side. "Be nice."

Kirsch plopped back down in his swivel chair. "Okay. Here's the results." He flipped up the top sheet of the clipboard he held. "What you have is something called a... secondary respiratory infection."

"And that is?"

"Patience is a virtue, Carm." Laura rubbed Carmilla's hand with her thumb. "Please continue."

"So basically, that's when a bacteria comes in after a virus does, but it gives you the same symptoms as the virus. That's why you were worse the first time, because you hadn't been sick like that before.  It's respiratory cause, well, it attacks your lungs and stuff. But this would last longer than the virus if you hadn't gotten it checked, cause you need antibiotics." He grinned, and held up a sheet of paper. "But fear not, ladies. I have the prescription for them right here!"

Laura took it from him and then, on an impulse, threw herself at him and wrapped him in a tight hug that was more tackle than hug.

"Whoa there, little hot- Laura," he quickly corrected himself. "What gives?"

"Thank you," she whispered.

Somehow, through all the fluff and testosterone flooding his brain, Kirsch was able to understand what she meant perfectly. 

"No problemo," he said.

Laura only squeezed tighter.

"Um, can this be, like, over soon?" Kirsch choked out.

"Not yet," Laura whispered.

"You just gotta let it happen," Carmilla laughed from her reclined position.

Kirsch swallowed hard and went limp, allowing Laura Hollis to hug the life out of him.

"What about now?"

"Not yet."

* * *

The return home was surreal.

The brownstone remained more or less exactly as they'd left it, leaving no indication that any time had passed since Laura woke up that night. The only difference was that someone had come and cleaned the bathroom. No trace of Carmilla's blood was present on the shiny white tiles.

"Okay, straight to bed with you, missy," Laura said, marching Carmilla up the stairs to their bedroom. She had an arm wrapped protectively around her girlfriend's shoulders, who was still having trouble standing.

"Why can't I stay in the living room?" Carmilla complained as Laura opened the door and ushered her in.

"Because you have to sleep. And I have to go fill your prescription."

"I just slept twelve hours."

"After staying up for over twenty-four." Laura pulled the covers back and sat Carmilla down on the bed. "You're sleeping. That's final."

"Fine," Carmilla grumbled, laying down and pulling the blankets over herself. "But let the record show I'm not happy about it."

"Someday you'll thank me." Laura kissed Carmilla's forehead and straightened up. "I'm going. Please don't try to get up by yourself."

"But what about when I need you?"

Laura bit her lip to keep from smiling. "I'll be home soon. Don't worry." 

Carmilla glanced at the clock. "It's already eight. Come to bed. You need sleep too. Probably more than I do."

"I will. I promise. I just have to get your medicine." Laura grabbed her purse from her dresser and started from the door, but turned at the doorframe. "Bye."

"Bye." And after a short pause, "I love you."

"Love you too."

And Laura headed out the door.

* * *

At the CVS, there weren't any lines, so Laura walked straight up to the counter. "Hi, I'm here to fill a prescription."

"Wonderful," the woman behind the counter said in a dull voice. "Can I see it?"

"Oh, yes. Right." Laura shifted her purse and rummaged through it, drawing out the slip of paper Kirsch had given her. She handed it to the woman without a second glance.

The woman narrowed her eyes at the familiar chicken scratch associated with doctors, trying to discern the name. "Carmilla... Karnstein?"

Laura cocked her head a little in slight confusion. "Huh?"

The woman stared at Laura. "Is that the correct name?" 

"Um. Yeah." 

The woman rolled her eyes and walked off to find the medication. 

 _Karnstein._  So _that_  was Carmilla's elusive surname. Interesting.

The name was familiar to her, but Laura couldn't place how or where she'd heard it before.

She also didn't know how it had ended up on the prescription, when she herself had been unable to tell it to anyone at the hospital, much less Theo (whose signature was on the prescription).

Unless...

It came to her.

Kirsch probably had known it, and told Theo when he found out Carmilla was there. He clearly seemed to be close to her. Yes, that made sense.

"Here you are," the woman said, unceremoniously placing a bag with Carmilla's name on it on the counter.

"Thanks," Laura said blankly, still lost in thought. She shoved the bag in her purse and left the pharmacy, gears still whirling in her mind.

Why was the name so familiar?

By the time she returned to the brownstone, she still hadn't figured it out, and it was dark and cold outside.

Frustrated, she kicked off her heels, then  trudged up the stairs to check on Carmilla. She was fast asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, Laura went into the kitchen. Her phone was dead and she'd left the charger there.

After a moment, the screen lit up, and notifications began to scroll across it. She had three missed calls and three corresponding voicemails.

Laura opened her phone and listened to the first one.

"Hey Laura, it's Danny. I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. Also, we kind of have a lot to talk about." A pause. "Isleptwiththatdoctorpleasecallmeback."

 _Click_.

Laura burst out laughing. She would have to remember to text Danny later.

The next message was from Perry.

"Hi sweetie. So, I hope you don't mind but I took the liberty of coming by and cleaning up the place a bit."

Laura's smile widened. So that was how the bathroom got so clean.

"I also stocked your fridge. My goodness, Laura. I don't even know why you have the thing. If it weren't for me you'd probably starve."

Laura let out a laugh at that.

"So, anyway, call me if you need anything. Oh, and I had LaFontaine tell your boss you were taking some time off. I figured you didn't need one more thing to worry about. See you soon, hon."

Laura beamed. Perry was the best. She had to think of some way to thank her.

The last message was from Betty. Laura guessed it had something to do with all the work she was missing, and begrudgingly played the message.

"Hey, Laura."

Immediately, Laura was struck by the tone in Betty's voice. It was less bustling and friendly and more serious and... a little shaky.

"LaFontaine told me you'll be out for a while. But you can't. You have to come back to work as soon as possible. There's something we need to discuss."

The smile slid off Laura's face as Betty continued, "Don't call me back. We have to talk in person. It's very important. Please."

And Betty had hung up, without so much as a goodbye.

A sinking feeling settled in Laura's stomach. She was incredibly worried. What could be so wrong, wrong enough to make Betty... scared?

She shook her head quickly to rid her mind of speculation. Right now, the only thing she could do about it was go to sleep, and deal with it tomorrow.

Laura took Carmilla's medication out of its paper bag and headed upstairs. Her eyes kept floating back to the name on the label.

_Carmilla Karnstein._

She knew it. She knew that name.

How did she know that name?

It was killing her.

Laura entered their bedroom as quietly as possible. Carmilla was still sleeping soundly. She placed the bottle on her dresser, not wanting to wake Carmilla up to take the pills just yet, and began to change into her pajamas.

"You're back," murmured a sleepy voice from behind her.

Laura cringed and turned around. "Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you."

"It's okay." Carmilla shifted to sit up, leaning on one arm. Her eyelids drooped adorably. "I missed you."

"You were asleep."

Carmilla blushed as she spoke, and hoped it was dark enough that Laura couldn't see. "I still missed you."

Laura smiled and pulled on her pj pants. "Well, I'm back now." She picked up the pill bottle and rattled it. "And I got these."

Carmilla frowned. "Yuck."

Laura rolled her eyes. "You're literally five years old." She opened the bottle and took out two, like the label said, then crossed the room and held them out to Carmilla. "Here." 

Carmilla wrinkled her nose in disdain and did nothing.

Laura let out an exasperated sigh. "Do you want to faint and get concussed again?"

"I can't dry swallow."

Laura exhaled slowly. "Fine. I am going to brush my teeth. When I get back, I will bring water, and you will swallow those pills. Understand?"

"Yes, _mother_."

Laura chose to ignore the comment and, grabbing a used mug from Carmilla's sidetable, went to the bathroom instead.

As she brushed her teeth, she kept running over Carmilla's name in her mind. _Karnstein. Karnstein._  It would come to her. It had to. It-

 _"My late husband, Matthew Karnstein."_

Laura almost choked on her toothbrush.

Black hair. Pale skin. Dark eyes.

It all made sense.

She spat her foamy saliva into the sink and gripped the sides of it for support. 

Carmilla was Lilita Morgan's daughter.

Carmilla was Lilita Morgan's _dead_  daughter.

"You are sleeping with your boss's dead daughter," Laura whispered to her reflection in the mirror.

Her reflection stared back at her, looking just as disheveled and confused as Laura felt.

Laura quickly rinsed her mouth with Listerine, allowing the burn to clear her mind for a few blissful milliseconds, then filled the mug with water and hightailed it back to the bedroom.

"Carmilla!" she exclaimed, bursting into the room.

Carmilla had fallen asleep leaning back against the headboard of the bed waiting for Laura, and jerked awake at her sudden, loud entrance. "Huh? What?"

"I- you- I-" Laura couldn't seem to sort out her thoughts. In frustration, she thrust the mug into Carmilla's hands. "Pills first." 

Carmilla stared at her. "Okay..." she said slowly, popping the first pill into her mouth and throwing it down. She repeated the process for the second pill. The whole time, she watched Laura, who seemed to be bursting at the seams with... _something._

As soon as she'd finished, Laura leapt onto the bed beside her and sat up in a kneeling position. "So. Your last name is Karnstein."

Carmilla raised an eyebrow. "Um, yes. Last time I checked." She paused. "Wait. How did you know that?"

"Was I not supposed to?"

Carmilla shook her head. "I mean, I don't think I ever told you."

"Well, you're right. You didn't." Laura pointed to her dresser and the pills on it. "They did."

Carmilla squinted, but saw nothing. The room was quite dark. "Elaborate."

"Your prescription. It was made out to your name. Your full name."

Carmilla sighed. "So that explains it." She looked at Laura bemusedly. "Is that what you're so excited about? My last name? It's not particularly interesting. I mean, it's Austrian, but-"

"Carmilla."

Carmilla was struck by the oddly serious tone of Laura's voice and stopped talking. She dreaded to hear what came next.

"You're Lilita Morgan's daughter, aren't you?"

Carmilla blew out a burst of air. No use denying it now. "Yes," she sighed. "I am."

Laura felt her hands shaking. She wasn't sure why. "You're Carmilla Karnstein."

"In the flesh."

"You're not dead."

Carmilla scoffed. "Is that what she's telling people now? God, what a cop-out. Have some creativity." She pushed herself up higher on the bed, grinning and reaching for Laura's phone. "Where'd you read that? Show me the article. I'm in desperate need of a laugh."

Laura looked at her quizzically. "I didn't read it anywhere. She told me."

Carmilla froze, and a strange expression began to creep across her face. "She what?"

"She told me," Laura said slowly. "I'm a publicity manager for Silas Industries. She's technically my boss."

Carmilla's eyes widened with disbelief and what could only be described as terror. She began to shake her head furiously.

"No no no no no," she murmured under her breath.

Laura placed a hand on her shoulder. Her eyebrows furrowed in concern. "Carmilla?"

Carmilla looked up at her with a panicked expression. "You- You have to leave me."

Laura rolled her eyes. "Carm, don't be ridiculous. Your mother isn't _that_  bad."

"No, no, Laura, you don't understand." Carmilla grabbed Laura's wrists and clung to them desperately. "Please. You can't be with me. You can't."

Laura's eyes softened, and for a moment Carmilla thought she understood.

Until she spoke.

"Carm, baby, you're sick. You're not thinking clearly."

"Laura," Carmilla begged. "Laura, please. You have to end this. Before you get hurt."

Laura's eyebrows shot up almost to her hairline, and her eyes filled with concern. She placed a hand on Carmilla's forehead. "You have a fever."

"Laura, you're in danger!"

Laura rolled her eyes and gave a massive sigh, completely fed up with Carmilla's pleas. "Carmilla, this isn't some weird YA novel. This is real life. You're not putting me in danger. Now, come on, lie down and let's go to sleep. You'll forget about all this by tomorrow."

"Laura—"

"Everything's going to be okay." Laura leaned in and kissed her on the cheek. "You'll feel much better in the morning. I promise."

Carmilla looked at her helplessly.

Laura wrapped her arms around her in a gentle hug. "Okay?" she whispered.

As Laura's warmth overwhelmed her, Carmilla remembered just how tired and sick she was, and how comfortable and safe Laura's arms were.

She was weak for this girl.

"Okay," she whispered back.

Laura pulled away and smiled lovingly at her girlfriend, before flopping backwards to land squarely on her pillow. "Goodnight, Carm."

Carmilla laid down more slowly, unable to keep her thoughts straight. "Goodnight."

"I love you."

Staring up at the tiny glowing stars, Carmilla was barely able to respond, "I love you too."

* * *

 

_She is screaming._

_Tubes in her arms and legs and stomach and head leading to machines and monitors._

_She is screaming._

_Black straps on her wrists and ankles straining as she thrashes against them._

_She is screaming._

_Blonde waves mussed and matted and stained with a dark substance._   


_She is screaming._

_Pale, emaciated body writhing on the paper sheets._

_She is screaming._

 _The mole on her cheek, so tiny and familiar._

 _"CARMILLA!"_

 

"Carmilla! Carmilla, wake up!"

Laura.

"Carmilla! Wake up!"

Carmilla jerked awake with a strangled gasp. Her breathing was more like panting, hurried and shallow. Her eyes flicked around the darkened room like she was searching for something. 

Someone. 

"Carmilla?"

It was then that Carmilla felt the hands on her shoulders.

Her eyes snapped back forward to see Laura, looking at her with a frantic expression.

"Carm," she whispered softly. "You're shaking."

Carmilla could feel her breaths and heart rate slowing. She stared down at her hands, trembling at her sides.

She didn't even realize she was crying until Laura raised her hand and gently wiped Carmilla's cheek with her thumb. 

"Laura," Carmilla rasped. "I- I'm so-"

"Shhh. It's okay," Laura murmured, cutting her off. "It's okay. It was only a dream. You're safe now." She wrapped her arms around Carmilla and held her against her chest. "You're safe."

Carmilla closed her eyes and tucked her head into the crook of Laura's neck, feeling the softness of her hair against her face and inhaling her sweet scent. Her body jerked against Laura's with the force of her stifled sobs. She didn't like Laura to see her like this.

Though, it seemed to happen quite often.

"Why are you crying?" Laura asked, stroking Carmilla's hair.

"I-" Carmilla tried to recall the dream (or rather, nightmare), but found she couldn't recall a single thing other than a feeling of intense anguish mixed with terror. "I don't- I don't remember."

Laura pulled herself away from Carmilla slightly and kissed her forehead. "Probably just a fever dream." 

Carmilla shivered in Laura's arms. She could not for the life of her remember anything about the dream, and thus acquiesced that it had to just have been a nightmare brought on by her illness. Her new medication, perhaps.

"Probably," she said.

Laura was now thoroughly convinced that Carmilla's meltdown was caused by her illness. There was no other reason for her to have been so adamant that Laura was "in danger." Carmilla was just sick, and it was making her confused.

"Okay, then," Laura said. "Let's go back to sleep."

Carmilla looked at Laura with the type of fear found on faces of those who have just woken up from a nightmare and would rather do anything than go back to sleep lest the nightmare take hold of them again.

Laura recognized this, having felt it many times herself. Such dreams had plagued her even long after her mother had left.

She scooted back down deeper under the blankets and smiled up at her girlfriend. "C'mere."

Carmilla sighed and crawled back under the blankets. Laura put an arm around her and rested her head in the crook of Carmilla's shoulder. She kissed the frigid skin, and felt goosebumps rise below her lips.

Carmilla was already drifting off to sleep, surrounded by warmth and love on all sides. She was barely lucid when she murmured "I don't deserve you."

The quiet confessional broke Laura's heart. She stayed silent, swallowing back tears and listening as Carmilla's breathing slowed. 

In and out. 

In and out.

* * *

The next day went much more smoothly.

Carmilla took her medication like clockwork, every three hours on the hour, and both of them noticed a change for the better with each pair of pills she swallowed. 

It was a lazy sort of day. Winter rain drizzled down the windowpanes. Laura and Carmilla curled up on the couch with a stack of movies LaFontaine had dropped off a few days prior, a stack they'd been steadily making their way through before Carmilla got sick, and watched the day away.

In the middle of their fourth film, Laura paused it to get a refill of her hot cocoa. When she returned, she noticed the color had returned to Carmilla's face and she looked much less tired and generally healthier all around.

She sat down on the couch and Carmilla immediately laid her head on her shoulder. She didn't press play.

"Carm?"

"Yeah?"

"Since you're feeling so much better, do you think... Do you mind if I go back to work tomorrow, or do you want me to stay here with you?"

Carmilla stiffened ever so slightly. She'd forgot that Laura would eventually have to return to work. She'd gotten used to spending full days with her.

"I really can stay home if you want me to. It's fine."

"No, no. I'll be okay." She managed a small smile. "Like you said, I'm feeling a lot better."

"Okay," Laura said slowly. "If you're sure."

"Postitive."

Laura knew she wasn't.

But she didn't want to argue right now, so she just reached for the remote and pressed play.

* * *

The next day, when Carmilla woke up at eleven, she expected Laura to be long gone.

Instead, Laura lay right beside her, her body curled up around her own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's title came from "Hiding" by Florence + The Machine.  
> Happy holidays to all! Hopefully I'll update again before the New Year, to make up for this unintentional hiatus.


	12. holy water cannot help you now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Featuring something very, very bad.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Laura finally returned to work the following day. Carmilla was feeling much better and insisted she return. Laura acquiesced that she should probably get at least one day of work in before Thanksgiving, which was only in a few days. 

Immediately upon entering the building, she was ambushed by LaFontaine.

"Laura! You're back!" they shouted, hurrying over to her.

Laura gave them a tight hug and laughed. She'd missed them. "Hey!"

"Well, how are you doing? How's Carmilla?"

"She's a lot better now. Tell Perry thanks for the food and cleanup. I hope she didn't find it too horrifying." 

"Only a little."

Laura patted LaFontaine's shoulder. "Oh, and thank _you_  for covering my butt back here."

The two of them got on the escalator to the main concourse. "Man, you owe me," LaFontaine groaned as they rose slowly. "Betty's been on my ass about you since day one. She won't leave me alone. It's getting really annoying."

Laura chewed her lip nervously. "Yeah. She called me when Carmilla was in the hospital and said I couldn't miss any more days. Said she had something important to talk about."

They stepped off the escalator and Laura made a beeline for the coffee cart. "Jesus, I need caffeine."

"I hear ya," LaFontaine responded, following quickly behind.

"I just—" Laura couldn't stop wondering about Betty. "What's so important that she couldn't wait two days to tell me? It's super sketchy."

LaFontaine was only half-listening, staring at something over Laura's shoulder. "Uh, speak of the devil."

"Laura!" 

Laura glanced over her shoulder and saw the same thing LaFontaine did— Betty Spielsdorf, all five feet and nine inches of her, barreling straight for them and looking even more stressed than usual.

"Hi, Betty," Laura said meekly.

"Thank god you're back," Betty sighed by way of greeting. "Now come on. Your coffee is going to have to wait. We have a PR nightmare on our hands."

Laura looked at LaFontaine and held up her half-filled cup. "Want it?"

They shrugged. "Sure, why not. A little saliva never hurt anyone."

"Okay, great, let's _go_ ," Betty said, eyes widening with impatience.

"Geez, Betty, alright! I'm going!"

Betty shook her head slightly and strode away for the elevator bank. Laura had to jog a little to keep up with her.

"So, what's going on?" Laura panted. "Why all the smoke and mirrors?"

Betty punched the up button. "We can't discuss it just yet."

Laura rolled her eyes but said nothing.

They stood there in awkward silence while the number above the elevator ticked down steadily. The ding announcing its arrival was all too welcome for Laura, who shot in as soon as the doors opened. She was eager to get this over with. Betty was being a little too strange for her to handle.

Betty pressed the button to close the doors, and then the one leading to the conference floor, a floor containing solely conference rooms. She stuck her key card into the appropriate slot, and the elevator shot up immediately.

The tension between them was so thick that Laura could almost breathe it in, and the weirdly cheerful elevator music didn't help to ease it. 

"I'm sorry I missed so much work," she ventured.

Betty didn't reply.

Laura couldn't bear the silence, so she plowed straight on ahead. "My girlfriend was really sick," she continued, "and she has no one else so I just—"

That got Betty's attention. 

Her head whipped around to stare at Laura, and the first thing Laura noticed was the look of fear on her face.

"Shut up," she hissed.

Laura started. "Excuse me?"

Betty gave a furtive glance to the climbing number on the monitor. They were close to the floor they needed. "Laura. Never mention your girlfriend again. Please trust me."

"What are you talking about?"

"You're lucky there aren't any cameras in here," was all Betty said before falling silent again.

For the first time, Laura noticed the manila folders Betty held in her right hand. They were all puckered at one place on their spine, like someone had squeezed them incredibly tight. They way you'd squeeze something if you were frustrated, upset, angry.

Scared.

Such profound confusion had never been felt by Laura before. But with that also came a more insidious feeling, creeping slowly up from the very base of her abdomen. Something was very, very wrong.

"Betty," Laura whispered as the elevator slowed to a stop.

Betty just gave an almost imperceptible shake of her head. 

The doors slid open, and Betty stepped confidently out and onto the conference floor. 

Laura followed, much more cautiously. She hated this floor with every fiber of her being. In fact, she wasn't even sure why the building had it. She supposed that whoever had organized the building like this had assumed such a prominent company would have lots of meetings all the time. That couldn't be further from the truth. Very few actual conferences took place, and at most two of the conference rooms (out of a hefty 20) would ever be in use at one time. As a result, the conference room floor was almost always empty and became the ideal space for illicit activities including (but not limited to) sexual liaisons  of all sorts and the occasional sniff of cocaine ("purely to boost productivity," the businessmen with white dust on their upper lips would proclaim). It was also where people would be taken to be fired, so the humiliation would be lesser.

Right now, however, the entire floor was free of workplace lovers and drug addicts alike, so instead of being greeted by distant moans of pleasure Laura and Betty were instead met with an eerie silence. The entire floor looked like it had been abandoned in some type of post-apocalyptic struggle, dismal and dusty. Grey skies outside made for a dark, cold interior.

Laura shivered.

"This way," Betty said, gesturing to one of the closest empty conference rooms. Laura entered first, and Betty followed, shutting the door behind her. Laura's heart jumped when she heard the lock click shut. Trapped.

The room was smaller than most of the rest on this floor, reminding her of the one on The Office. Instead of being in the center of the floor, one of the walls running lengthwise (the one opposite the door) was actually windows. But those windows were covered with frosted glass, so a ghostly blue tint was cast across the room and there was no view to be seen. A potted plant sat forlornly in a corner. It hadn't been watered in weeks.

Betty crossed the room to the other side of the long brown table and pulled out a chair, sitting so her back was toward the frosted windows. "Have a seat."

Laura stepped forward and pulled out the chair directly across from Betty.

"Okay," she said, when they were both finally settled. "This is really freaking me out. Please tell me what the heck is going on."

Betty sighed. "Well, basically, there have been a few people who have recently come to light that are... that are claiming that Silas Industries has been, um..." She spoke slowly and reluctantly, as if she didn't like what she was saying any more than Laura liked hearing it. "That Silas has been performing illegal trials of the new drug, Lophia, on human test subjects."

"Oh."

Laura felt a strange calmness spread across her body. She wasn't sure why. It was very odd; this kind of information should have sent her into a tizzy.

"Yeah. The accusations have been... grim, to say the least. It's being suggested by these individuals that the trials didn't go as planned. The results were disastrous." Betty shifted in her seat. "I know you understand, so close to the launch, this story could ruin the company."

Laura sighed, understanding her serenity in an instant. The very idea of it was so preposterous, so outrageous, so ridiculous, that there was no way her brain could accept it as true. "I'll handle it."

Betty's shoulders slumped, though whether in relief or defeat, it was difficult to tell.

"Wow, just—There's some crazy people out there. I guess they have nothing better to do with their time. Lies and slander, amirite?" Laura tried a small laugh.

Betty stared at the table in front of her and didn't respond.

Laura paused. "Wait." 

Her heart began to pound just a little quicker with each second that Betty stayed silent. And it skyrocketed when Betty finally made eye contact with her and her pupils told Laura exactly what she didn't want to hear.

"No," Laura breathed. "No, it can't... This isn't..."

"You have your work cut out for you," Betty murmured, and slid a manila file across the table towards Laura.

Laura grabbed it and began to flip quickly through its contents, but slowed as she saw exactly what it contained.

Inside were horrific photographs of people hooked up to machines, people with sores, with burns, rashes, handcuffed to beds, spasming, bloodied, sickly, dying. There were also all kinds of official reports and records of each patient stapled neatly together, as well as printouts of emails and copies of letters and other official documents sent to the company by the accusers. Though there were clearly many awful side effects of the drug, schizophrenia and other psychotic disorders appeared to be the most common.

Carmilla's voice came back to her.

_"Laura, you're in danger!"_

She knew.

How could she have known?

Laura looked up from the folder in total disbelief and stared at Betty. "No."

Betty nodded sadly. "Yes."

"No." Laura shook her head furiously. "I won't do it."

"Laura-"

Laura sprung up from her chair and threw the file down on the table. It landed with a hard smack. "No! I won't be a part of a coverup! This is illegal and wrong and you know it, Betty. How could you ask me to do this?"

Betty sighed. "Sit down, Laura. I'm not finished."

Laura narrowed her eyes dangerously, crossing her arms. "I think you are."

"You're going to want to hear what I have to say before you make a decision."

Laura exhaled and sat down hard in the chair. Her legs were shaking, out of both fear and fury. "Say it quick so I can get out of here."

"I don't think I need to remind you about the contract you signed, not too long ago."

Laura's heart sank.

"You are legally obligated to remain an employee of this company for ten more years, and that also entails everything that the job requires. And this is something your job requires.."

A frustrated tear spilled from Laura's right eye, despite how hard she tried to keep it from doing so. She should never have signed that damn contract.

"Now, obviously, contracts can be negotiated, and I'm sure that with a perfectly good lawyer you could easily cut yourself loose from the company for only a small cost. You could get out and leave this all behind." Betty took a shaky breath and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. She hated what she was about to do. "But..." 

She slid the other three files across the table.

For a moment, Laura just stared at them, tears rolling silently down her cheeks. A part of her thought that if she never opened them, she would be safe from whatever was inside them.

But she knew that wasn't the way the world worked.

So, ever so slowly, Laura reached for the files.

The first thing she noticed was that the tab of each one was labeled with a name. And they were three very familiar names.

_Susan LaFontaine._

_Danny Lawrence._

_Lola Perry._

As the fright within her grew into full-on terror, Laura flipped through each of these files as well, barely able to keep herself from breaking down sobbing as she did so.

Pictures of all of her friends, evidently taken without their consent, when they were unaware they were being photographed. Even pictures somehow taken from inside their apartments. Records of their daily routines, to the minute. Incredibly personal information about each of them. Medical records. Families. Friends. Sexualities and orientations. Addresses. Jobs. Phone numbers. Alarm system codes. Vulnerabilities.

Then, suddenly, she realized something.

There was no file on Carmilla.

Lilita must still be thinking her daughter was dead or missing somewhere on the streets. She probably had no idea that Carmilla and Laura were seeing each other. This could be the only possible explanation for why there was no dossier with Carmilla's name on it in front of her right now.

Laura exhaled shakily. It brought her some relief to know that Carmilla was still safe, but in the grand scheme of things it wasn't much.

Betty spoke again, and her voice was sad and shaky. "If you don't do this... Let's just say Ms. Morgan has many friends in very low places." She pushed the original file across the table again, back to Laura. "You'll need this to write the counter-article."

Laura looked up from the files she was holding, waterfalls of tears streaming freely down her cheeks. 

"What does she have on you, Betty?" Laura rasped. "You would never do this to me. You would have warned me."

Betty looked away and said nothing.

Laura suddenly remembered that Betty did warn her. In the elevator. Not to talk about her girlfriend when there were cameras watching.

She stood up, swallowed hard, swiped at her cheeks. "Fine. I'll do it."

Betty nodded in such way that suggested to Laura she'd known all along what Laura's final response would be. She let out a low breath. "You know you can't tell anyone about this."

"I assumed," Laura spat.

Betty stood as well. "Laura—"

Laura ignored her, took the single case file from the table, and headed out the door to the elevators.

Betty followed quickly behind. "Laura, please—"

"I have nothing to say to you," Laura snapped, punching the down button as hard as she could. She was in luck; an elevator had happened to be on the floor right above them, and the doors opened after mere seconds of waiting. She stalked in, Betty at her heels.

As soon as the doors closed and they were safe from all prying eyes, Betty grabbed Laura's wrist and pulled it hard enough to force Laura to face her. 

"Laura," she said, with such furious intensity in her voice that Laura had to look up. The anguish on Betty's face struck her into silence. "You need to believe me. I had no choice. My daughter—"

"She threatened your daughter?" Laura said in disbelief.

Betty nodded. "I wouldn't do this if I didn't have to."

Fresh tears welled in Laura's eyes. "Betty- I'm- I'm so sorry-"

The elevator began to slow.

Betty knew she was running out of time, and began to speak even faster and more desperately. "She's watching you, too, Laura. Not as closely as your friends, but she is. You need to be very, very careful. One wrong move and she'll know."

"H-how?" Laura stammered.

"I don't know," Betty said. "I really don't know."

The elevator came to a complete stop and dinged, doors opening onto their floor. Betty flashed her a brilliantly false smile and put a hand on her shoulder. "Really, Laura, we are so lucky to have you here."

And then Betty walked out of the elevator and into her office like nothing had happened.

Laura stumbled into her own office, drew the blinds, locked the door, and sat there for hours, sobbing.

* * *

Laura entered the brownstone late that night. She kicked off her heels and hung up her coat and purse, feeling heavier than she ever had before. She had cried almost the entire way home. A homeless man had even offered her a Kleenex when he saw her walk past him bawling her eyes out, and she had gladly taken it before giving him a twenty as way of thanks. She had to stop for almost twenty minutes outside to collect herself so Carmilla wouldn't suspect anything.

The file was tucked safely in her bag, out of view from anyone's eyes, but to Laura it felt like it was burning a hole in the leather.

Exhausted, she trudged barefoot to the living room, but then froze when she saw the scene before her.

Carmilla was on the couch, drinking tea and watching The Twilight Zone on Netflix. 

It was so wonderfully normal and beautiful that she almost burst into tears again at the sight of it.

Carmilla heard Laura's steps approaching from behind her. She turned and smiled at Laura, a smile so large and loving that it broke Laura's heart. "Hey, sweetheart. How was your first day back?"

Laura didn't say anything and just stared at Carmilla with dull eyes.

Carmilla's smile faltered slightly, but never disappeared. "Laura?" 

Upon hearing her name, Laura suddenly gained enough energy to move. She took the few steps necessary to close the distance between them and clambered on the couch next to Carmilla. She settled tight against her girlfriend's body, nestling her head into her shoulder.

Carmilla raised her arm instinctively and wrapped it protectively around Laura. She looked down at the top of her girlfriend's head. "Rough day?"

Laura exhaled shakily. "Yeah."

"Wanna talk about it?"

"No."

"Okay." Carmilla planted a kiss on her temple and pulled her in closer, smiling gently. "It'll be fine. You're home now."

She returned her focus to the television, but only halfway, shooting tiny reassuring glances and smiles at Laura every so often.

Laura tried to smile back but she found it extremely difficult. She was still remembering the way Carmilla had looked at her moments before, full of more hope and love than Laura had ever seen, and all she could think about was if Carmilla would still look at her like that if she knew what Laura had agreed to do.

* * *

Two days later it was the day before Thanksgiving, and not only had Laura not mentioned any plans for said Thanksgiving, she had been uncharacteristically quiet all week. Ever since returning from work that Monday, Carmilla had noticed her silence, as well as some other very strange behavior.

Both days after Monday, Laura left home wildly early, refusing to spend just the few extra minutes she usually did cuddling in bed with Carmilla, and came home late and exhausted, often passing out right after dinner. Both days, she barely met Carmilla's eyes once, and it became common practice for her to avoid all attempts at a kiss. Both nights, she seemed annoyed at Carmilla waiting up for her in the evenings, as if she came late purposely to avoid interaction with her. This generally led to a very awkward dinner.

Dinner. That was a whole other struggle. Laura picked at her food and ate little, but she barely said a word. Carmilla tried to ask questions about work, and when that didn't work she asked questions about Laura's friends, but that only succeeded in upsetting Laura so much so that she put her (generally untouched) plate in the fridge and went immediately upstairs to bed.

Laura's treatment of Carmilla hurt. A lot. She supposed Laura was mad at her, though for what she couldn't guess. She missed her spark plug of a girlfriend and wished she would just let Carmilla hold her at night.

But nights were cold now, with Laura rolling far to the other side of the bed, detaching Carmilla's hand from her waist calmly and steadily, over and over, until she got the picture and stopped trying.

It was late Wednesday night. They were eating dinner, courtesy of Perry. The awkward silence hadn't lifted, and Laura hadn't looked at her once.

"Soooo," Carmilla began slowly. "Are we doing anything for Thanksgiving?"

Laura nudged a carrot around her plate with her fork.

"Oh, come on, creampuff," Carmilla sighed. "You can't avoid me forever. I'm your girlfriend. We live together, for god's sake."

"My dad called."

Carmilla almost dropped her knife, so surprised was she that Laura had even responded. "Really?" she said, trying to keep the conversation alive.

"Yeah." Laura poked at the carrot a little more. "He wants me to go up to Canada."

"Just you?"

Laura rolled her eyes, and this wasn't the light, halfhearted eyerolling that she usually did. This was purely sarcastic. "Relax. I'm not going. The whole thing is stupid. Canadian Thanksgiving was months ago, and I already went to that." Her voice was sharp. Caustic. She glared down at the plate and finally stabbed the carrot. "Not like you care, anyway," she muttered under her breath.

Carmilla stared at her, trying to ignore the stinging feeling in the back of her eyes. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

Laura looked up, surprised that Carmilla had bitten back. "W-what?"

"These past few days, you've been so... _mean_." Carmilla's lips quivered. The feeling behind her eyes grew in intensity, but she resisted. She wasn't going to cry over something as stupid as all of this. "And I don't understand why. Did I do something wrong?"

Laura's eyes softened, and for a moment Carmilla thought she might be considering reassuring her girlfriend. Maybe even apologizing.

But then, they hardened again. "I'm just tired," she said. "That's all."

Carmilla shook her head, dissatisfied. "No. You're not. Laura, I know you love your dad. I know you love Thanksgiving. I also know that never in a million years would you call any of that stupid, no matter what." She looked directly at Laura. "You're upset. Something's bothering you. I know it."

"So what?" Laura blurted, her eyes quickly filling with tears. "So what if there's something bothering me? I don't have to tell you everything!"

"You do when it's affecting our relationship!"

Laura groaned loudly and buried her face in her hands. "Leave me alone, Carmilla!"

"Not until you tell me _exactly_  what's going on."

The chair screeched backwards on the wooden floor as Laura leapt up out of it. "God, I- I can't do this with you."

Carmilla stood up also. "Well, I'm not going anywhere."

"Then I'm leaving!" Laura shouted, stamping her foot. It would have been adorable if they both weren't so upset.

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

Laura stormed out of the kitchen and the brownstone, snatching her coat from its hanger on the way.

The door slammed shut.

Carmilla stood there in the kitchen alone. Her chest heaved from the excitement, and she had to wait a few minutes before both her breathing and heart rates returned to normal.

She ran a hand through her hair and let out an exasperated whoosh of air. She couldn't believe how quickly it had all happened. And she still hadn't gotten any clarity regarding Laura's changed behavior.

Just then, the landline rang.

Carmilla was startled out of her thoughts by the sound and looked around for it. 

There, on the kitchen island. Ringing its little head off.

Carmilla didn't really understand why Laura even had a landline. Almost no one these days used them. Carmilla liked them, though. There was a certain charm to having a phone tethered to one's home, where it had to stay. She liked it much better than the idea of having a tiny little box on you all the time so that you had no excuse to ignore anyone calling.

Which was why not being able to afford a cell phone had been no big loss to her.

Carmilla yanked the blaring phone from its stand and shoved it up to her ear. "Hello?"

"Carmilla! It's LaFontaine. Is Laura there?"

Carmilla smiled a little. It was the bio major. Out of all the gingers, this one had to be her favorite. 

However, the only other options were a high-strung Betty Crocker and Xena, so it wasn't really a contest.

"No, she isn't." Carmilla paused, unsure of how much was okay to tell them. But Laura would probably just tell them everything eventually anyway. She sighed. "We had a fight. She left. But she'll be back soon," she added hurriedly. 

_Probably._

"Oh, great. I mean, not great that you had a fight. That's not good. But great, because I had to talk to you, and it would be easier for everyone involved if she wasn't in the room to hear."

"Huh." Carmilla crossed her free arm over her chest and tucked her hand under her opposite armpit. "Okay. What's up?"

"I'm guessing you've already noticed, but... Has Laura been acting kinda weird lately?"

Carmilla's mouth fell open, and she walked back into the living room. "Thank god. I thought it was just me."

"Oh hell no. She's been like this for days. She was fine on Monday, and then—Poof! She suddenly started getting all weird. She completely ignores me and all attempts at communication. She even turns down coffee runs in the morning. Coffee! Caffeine! A stimulant! Hyperactivity juice! Her literal gasoline! Do you understand me?"

Carmilla was glad LaFontaine couldn't see her face, which currently held an expression somewhere between mild horror and amusement and was remarkably ugly to look at. "She turns down sex."

LaFontaine gasped, and it didn't even sound the least bit false or exaggerated. _"No."_

Carmilla couldn't help but laugh a little at their shock. "Yes."

"Sex."

"Indeed."

"Sex with _you_."

"Mmhm."

"Sex with _you_ , one of the most attractive women alive."

"Don't you have a girlfriend?"

She could almost hear them rolling their eyes at her though the phone. "Clever. But I digress. When Laura turns down _sex,_ especially with _you,_  something is clearly very very wrong."

"I don't disagree."

"Have you tried to find out what it is yet?"

"Yes. And it resulted in nothing short of a screaming match in the kitchen and unfinished pot roast. Which, now that I think about it, I should return to."

"Good idea. Eating is always a solution, especially in times of stress. Amino acids and triglycerides, baby."

"Amen to that," Carmilla mumbled, plodding slowly back to the kitchen. Only instead of taking the obvious shortcut through the archway straight to the kitchen, she went around and down the main hall to the archway on the left that led to the kitchen that way. This took her past the foyer, where, she noticed, Laura's favorite purse had fallen off its hanger onto the floor. It had undoubtedly been collateral damage of Laura's whirlwind exit. Carmilla crossed the room to pick up the bag, shaking her head. Naturally Laura would have left her purse behind. And probably with her phone and wallet in it too.

LaFontaine segued smoothly into their next topic. "So, Thanksgiving. You guys doing anything? Perr's making a huge spread."

"Eh, I don't know." Carmilla bent over to grab the purse. A few things were sticking out, namely a manila file, but she didn't notice it. "Before our fight, the cupcake mentioned that her dad invited her up there. If she feels better tomorrow, we might go. But I honestly wouldn't count on us going anywhere."

"Sucks. I can save you some pie, if you want. Maybe even a whole pie, since Perr's roped me into helping her make five different kinds and there is no way they're all getting eaten."

Carmilla lifted the purse and opened her mouth to reply, but then the manila file slipped out of the bag and fell to the ground. Photographs and papers spilled everywhere. 

"Arggghhh," Carmilla groaned loudly.

"What? I thought you liked pie."

"Oh, come on, who doesn't like pie? That's not what I meant. I was _trying_  to be nice and clean up Laura's mess a little and just dropped this stupid fucking folder thing on the floor and it freaking exploded all over the place." She sighed and kneeled down on the floor to retrieve the file's contents. "That's the last time I ever do anything nice."

"You know what they say; no good deed goes unpunished."

"Exactly." Carmilla reached for the closest photograph and shoved it in the folder without even looking at it. 

But curiosity got the better of her. 

Surely it couldn't hurt to see what Laura was working on.

She took the picture back out of the file and held it up for closer inspection.

And froze.

LaFontaine was still talking. "Hey, when Laura gets back, you should at least mention Thanksgiving at our place. Be sure to throw in the bit about the pie too. That'll win her over."

The line was silent.

"Um, hey, earth to Carmilla? You there?"

Carmilla couldn't tear her gaze from the picture. "I, ah- I'm gonna have to call you back."

"Yeah, sure, no problem. Oh, and don't forget to tell La-"

Carmilla hung up.

The phone slid from her fingers and clattered on the floor. Her other hand free, she clutched the picture tightly and stared at it even more intently.

_No_.

She dropped the picture and grabbed another from the mess on the floor. 

And another. 

And another.

_No, no, no._

Carmilla floundered though the pile to find one of the larger papers, the ones that resembled pages from reports of some kind. She quickly read the title. 

It only confirmed what she already knew.

"Damn it!" she yelled in frustration, crumpling the page in her hand.

For a long time, Carmilla just sat there, breathing heavily, surrounded by memories of her past. Tears rolled down her cheeks. 

But it didn't feel like she was crying at all.

* * *

It didn't take Laura very long to cool off.

She walked as far as the bakery a few blocks down before realizing how stupid she had been, how Carmilla had just been worried about her and how awful she had treated her.

And also how she didn't have her purse.

Or her wallet.

Or her phone.

Therefore, Laura concluded that it was effectively useless to go any further.

She leaned against the darkened window of the now-closed bakery with a heavy sigh. Poor Carmilla. She had done nothing to deserve the cold shoulder Laura had been giving her. Which she felt terrible about doing. She felt like she'd been stabbed, and every time she saw the hurt looks on Carmilla's face, the knife was twisted a little more.

But Laura knew the gravity of the situation she was in. She knew the danger that could befall Carmilla if Laura were to spill the beans about the case she was working (or rather, sweeping under the rug). She also knew that if Carmilla found out she was going through with this, she would be incredibly disappointed in Laura, maybe even break up with her. But keeping secrets, especially from the woman she loved, was incredibly difficult for Laura. She knew the only way to do it was to withdraw from Carmilla (and the others) completely. If she wasn't speaking, she wouldn't slip up, and Carmilla and LaFontaine and Danny and Perry would all be safe.

It had been awful. But it had been working.

Until Carmilla just _had_ to go and show concern and look at her with those dark brown eyes that were so damn sad and loved her so damn much and ugh, what was she supposed to do now?

When she got home, Carmilla was going to demand they talk things out. Laura was sure of it. And she was even more sure of the fact that her lies wouldn't be able to hold up against those stupid eyes. All Carmilla'd have to do would be look at Laura in just the right way and Laura knew she would crack.

Laura wondered briefly if this was what it had been like for Carmilla, trying to hide from Laura that she was homeless.

Then again, no one's life was at stake in that case.

Laura stared out over the street to the tiny park across from the bakery. During the day, children frolicked on the meager grass and swarmed the jungle gym. But now, all was quiet and dark.

Except for _that_.

Laura's gaze flickered over to a sudden light far to her right. It was a car, a black town car, parked what it seemed to think was stealthily behind a few other cars on one of the blocks bordering the park. Clearly, the driver had hit the wrong button or something, because the car revved incredibly loudly and the lights shone nearly as bright as the sun in this eleven-o-clock obscurity.

Laura eyed the car cautiously, and took a step to her right.

The driver cut the engine, and the car went dark and silent again.

Fear struck her heart, her limbs, her head. She took another shaky step, and another.

The car did nothing.

Laura took a deep breath, then began to walk back to the brownstone. Long, quick strides, but not quick enough to arouse suspicion. 

From behind her, she could hear the faintest sound of tires against the pavement.

She was being followed.

Laura increased her pace just a little. She heard the car behind her do the same.

She needed to know where it was.

She fumbled in her pocket for something to use. Her fingertips brushed against a hair tie. She pulled it out and dropped it as she walked, making it look as accidental as possible, then turned around to pick it up.

The car wasn't as close as she worried it was, but any car following you is too close, no matter where they are. The driver was smart. He kept a distance of at least a block between them, so that when she stopped he could keep moving and not look strange for just stopping in the middle of the street.

Laura snatched up her hair tie and started walking again. The brownstone's façade soon appeared, only yards before her. Her heart pounded with anticipation to be inside and safe.

At last, she reached the door. She unlocked it quickly and darted inside, not bothering to give any final glance to the car.

Only after she locked the door again did she feel slightly safer. She leaned against the back of it, physically and emotionally exhausted, and breathed out.

She couldn't tell Carmilla anything.

Finally, Laura took off her coat and made her way into the kitchen, hoping desperately that Carmilla had gone to bed. 

No such luck.

She was seated at the kitchen table where Laura had been sitting during dinner, with her back to the entry arch and Laura. The plates were cleared and the kitchen cleaned.

"Hey," Laura said softly.

Carmilla stiffened, and didn't turn around. Laura noticed, and bit her lip in anxiety.

She took a step forward. Carmilla was hunched over something on the table. It was only when she moved a bit to the right that she could peer around Carmilla's body to see what it was.

Her jaw dropped, and her hands began to shake. "Carmilla—"

Carmilla turned around and looked right at Laura. Laura felt her heart sink and braced herself to hear Carmilla telling her it was over.

But instead, Carmilla just sighed and said, "What is this?"

Tears blurred Laura's vision and she blinked to clear her eyes. It burned. "I- I-"

Carmilla stood up and walked over to her, arms crossed over her chest. "Laura."

Instead of cold and hard, Carmilla's voice was gentle. Her eyes shone reassuringly. She lifted a hand and placed it on Laura's arm. "Please, just— tell me it's not what it looks like."

Laura couldn't take it anymore.

She burst into tears, shaking her head, and Carmilla's heart plummeted straight to the floor.

"Carmilla," she sobbed. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

Carmilla stepped closer. "Laura—"

Laura ignored her and plowed on ahead, crying furiously. "I just— I didn't— oh _god_ , Carmilla—"

"Honey, please, calm down."

Laura shook her head more vigorously. "No, Carm, you don't understand. They have my friends. Where they live. What they do. Where they go. They said if I didn't do it they'd— I didn't have a choice. Carmilla, Carmilla, you have to believe me—"

Carmilla pulled Laura into a tight embrace. Laura froze at the gesture, expecting every outcome other than this, but then allowed herself to sink into Carmilla's arms. She buried her head in Carmilla's neck.

Carmilla rubbed her back soothingly and whispered, "You've been holding on to this all this time?"

Laura nodded, hiccuping sobs escaping her and jolting her forwards deeper into Carmilla.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I wasn't supposed to— to tell anyone, a-and they're watching me too, and now I've done it and they'll know and they're going to come after you and my friends and it's all my fault!" She broke down again.

Carmilla hugged her tighter and kissed the side of her head. "Shh. It's okay. It's okay. Breathe, Laura. Shh."

Laura pulled back a bit and turned her tear-streaked face up to Carmilla. "You're not mad?"

"Sweetheart, why would I be mad?"

"I was- I was weak, I couldn't do the right thing-"

"You didn't have a choice," Carmilla said softly, and kissed her forehead. "I know what it's like. I'm positive if you could have said no, you would have."

Laura sniffled and bowed her head, looking down at the floor. "I didn't want you to think less of me," she whispers.

Carmilla brought Laura's head to her chest and rested her chin lightly on it. "Cupcake, that's ridiculous. You're the best person I've ever known. I could never think less of you, and especially not over something completely out of your control."

Laura looked up. "Really?"

Carmilla nodded and touched Laura's forehead with her own. "I'd kiss you, but I don't want to get you sick."

"Screw that," Laura rasped, and captured Carmilla's lips with her own in a passionate kiss.

It was almost a full two minutes before Carmilla pulled away from Laura, sliding her hands down to hold Laura's forearms. "I've missed that," she murmured.

"So have I."

"I just really hope you don't get sick." Carmilla's eyebrows knit together in worry. "I wouldn't wish this on anyone."

"Oh, it doesn't matter," Laura sighed, staring blankly into space. "I'm dead anyway."

Panic flashed over Carmilla's face, and she gripped Laura's arms just a little tighter. "Don't say that, Laura."

"It's true. Did you know I was followed home?"

Anger, white-hot and blinding, rose within Carmilla, with an undercurrent of dark fear. This was not allowed to happen. Not to her. Not to Laura.

"They're watching all of us. All the time. And by now they know you know and your mother's sniper is probably setting up his rifle as we speak."

Carmilla frowned. "Stop it."

"You and Danny and LaFontaine and Perry are going to be dead within an hour," Laura said, her voice flat and monotone and hopeless. "And so will I."

"No!" Carmilla shouted.

The exclamation startled Laura so much that she jumped back from Carmilla a little. Carmilla yanked Laura back close to her. "I'm not going to let it happen again," she breathed.

Laura looked into Carmilla's eyes and saw a spark of something new in them, something she'd never seen before. It was something like resistance. No, defiance.

"Again?" she asked softly.

Carmilla didn't seem to realize she had even spoken aloud until Laura responded. For a moment, guilt flickered across her features, twisting them into the expression of someone who knew they'd been caught. But it was gone almost as soon as it came, leaving Carmilla to just look at Laura, the spark fading, her body calming, her blood settling. 

The memories came back in waves, thumping and crashing against the shore of her brain, begging to be let out. She became acutely aware of a pounding in her skull and brought a hand to her temple to massage it away.

_It's time._

She knew it was.

Carmilla's eyes slid down from Laura's to the floor, until Laura could no longer really see them. She watched Carmilla's chest rise with a deep breath, which she was taking to gather her courage.

_It's time._

She couldn't keep this in any longer.

"Let's sit down," Carmilla said at last, gesturing to the living room. She looked up again, and her eyes were cold and guarded, unlike Laura had ever seen them. "There's a lot I have to tell you."

She let go of Laura's arms and walked slowly out of the kitchen.

Laura stood alone in the kitchen for a silent minute before following, with more than a little trepidation.

For the first time in her life, she felt afraid of Carmilla. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's title came from "Seven Devils" by Florence + The Machine.
> 
> Happy New Year, everyone! Here's to a wonderful 2016!


	13. it's an old scar, trying to bleach it out (fire help me to forget)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Featuring a completely insane backstory and an impromptu vacation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Depiction of graphic and slightly disturbing medical setting involving tubes and blood.

 

 

When Laura entered the living room, Carmilla was already seated cross-legged on the couch. The blanket usually draped over the couch back was wrapped around her shoulders to ward off the wintry chill in the large room. Laura sat at the other end of the couch and bent her legs up in front of her, leaving ample space between them.

It was quiet for a few moments as Carmilla gathered her thoughts. Laura hugged her knees and waited patiently.

When Carmilla finally spoke, it startled her a little.

"My mother has never been satisfied."

Laura's eyes darted up to read Carmilla's expression, but her face was blank. Impassive.

"She started off as someone you could sympathize with, perhaps even admire. Long before I came along, she was the only woman on the Silas Board of Directors, and at a time when there were even fewer women in executive positions than there are now. She really had to push to even get one word in during the meetings. But finally, she started to earn respect, and then she started climbing to the top." Carmilla paused. "Actually, a more appropriate word might be clawing."

"Yeah, that sounds about right," Laura muttered.

"She wanted so much, my mother," Carmilla murmured in an almost faraway voice. "She didn't just want the perfect career. She also wanted the perfect home, the perfect family. So when she met my father at a company party, she... I don't really want to say seduced, because that's kind of a disgusting word to think of when referring to one's own parents. But that's what she did."

Laura shuddered, her face contorting into a grimace. Carmilla gave her a small smile. "Exactly. Anyway, she seduced my dad, and he married her. A few years later..." She spread her arms out, gesturing to herself. "Me."

Laura's heart swelled at the thought of a baby Carmilla. It was possibly one of the cutest things she could imagine.

"My mother was overjoyed, which is kind of surprising when you consider the kind of person she was. But she wanted to run the company someday, and she wanted to have a woman just as strong as her to take over after she left. So she began, from the day I was born, to shape me into the model successor." Carmilla sighed. "Except I wanted no part of it."

"I don't blame you," Laura said, scooting a little closer. "It must have been a lot of pressure."

Carmilla hummed in assent. "It wasn't too bad when I was little. I barely realized what she was doing. I thought she was just naturally uptight, so I kind of learned to deal with it. My dad helped a lot too..."

Her voice trailed off, and she fell silent.

Laura reached over and placed a hand over hers. "Carm?"

Carmilla swallowed hard and began to talk again. "My father was the complete opposite of my mother in almost every respect. He was energetic and full of life, and he held the same disdain I did for my mother's obsession with power and perfection. He hated going to all those balls and galas as much as I did. Sometimes he would sneak me out, under the pretense of going to the bathroom or getting something from the car, and we would just sit outside and... talk."

She squeezed her eyes shut, and Laura realized she was trying to keep herself from crying.

"When I was five, my father took me to this house out in Long Island. When we got there, there was this woman living there with her daughter. He introduced us and we hung out for the rest of the day. Her name was Mattie. She was six years older than me and she was beautiful and kind and witty." She took a deep breath. "And she was my sister."

Laura's eyes widened. "Oh my god."

"He told me on the drive home. He also told me not to tell my mother where we'd been. But I was so little, I didn't know that any of it was bad." She looked down at the ground. "I found out later that he wasn't cheating; he hadn't been romantically involved with my sister's mother since before Mattie was born. They broke up before her mother knew she was pregnant. When she finally told him, Mattie was a year old and my father had just met my mother."

Laura nodded in understanding and waited for her to continue.

"He already knew what my mother was like, and he knew he'd lose her if she found out. But he still wanted to be a part of Mattie's life, and once I was born he wanted me to know her too. So he kept it all a secret.

"We visited Mattie every weekend during the summer, and every other weekend during the rest of the year. They were my favorite days. My father told my mother that he was taking me to the Hamptons, though she really didn't care so long as we stayed in the town. She was also busy with my brother, who had just been born. She viewed the trips as a great way for me to both bond with my father and become introduced to the wealthy, high-society life I would be living in as an adult." Carmilla chuckled. "Little did she know that we never went near the place."

"Carmilla..." Laura's eyebrows furrowed. "Why are you telling me all of this? What does this have to do with those photographs?"

The happy light on Carmilla's face that had surfaced with the memory faded, as did her smile. "My father introduced Will, my brother, to Mattie when he was two. But he had always been a mama's boy, and never much one for secrecy. My mother was starting to grow suspicious of our trips, and it only took one word from her to make him crack right open. Two days after she found out about Mattie, my father was killed in a mass shooting that also killed ten other people and wounded about twenty others." She looked right at Laura. Her eyes were dulled by the resurfacing of years of suppressed pain. "I had just turned seven."

Laura's mouth fell open. "Oh, Carm..."

"The secret about Mattie getting out would have ruined the image of her perfect family. A scandal would crush her career. So she had to crush it first, no matter what the cost. Now, instead of an embarrassment, he was a martyr. My mother was the strong widow who pushed through it, all while supporting two young children." 

A tear rolled down her cheek.

"I know she did it." Each word fell hard and heavy. "I could never prove it, but I know she did it. She– she didn't even cry at the funeral. She just stood there in her Louboutins and told me to stand up straight."

Laura could only gape.

"My mother found Mattie's mother and paid her off to make sure she kept her mouth shut. She even paid for Mattie's entire college tuition. But Mattie was no idiot." Carmilla chuckled, but it was far from a happy sound. "She knew from the start, just like me. Right before she left for college, she came to our house and demanded to talk to my mother. I don't know what they said, because Mattie made sure I didn't have to hear any of it, but it was ugly. She made sure to give me a hug before she left." Carmilla's voice wavered dangerously close to sobbing. "That- That was the last time I ever saw her."

"Carmilla-"

"I'm telling you this because you need to understand just exactly what my mother is capable of." Carmilla looked down at her lap and the tears that had landed in it. "She killed her children's father to preserve her own image. So yes, I do understand what she's doing to you."

Laura put an arm around Carmilla tentatively. She relaxed into it, crying freely but silently.

"I wish you could have met him," she said after a moment.

"He sounds wonderful," Laura replied, tucking a strand of Carmilla's hair behind her ear and smoothing it back.

Carmilla just nodded, unable to speak for the memories. Tears rolled off her chin and onto her shirt.

Laura let her cry, holding her gently, until she composed herself enough to straighten up, detach herself from Laura, and continue. It didn't take very long.

"So. Pretty much everyone sort of knew my father's death was sketchy, but like me they knew better than to accuse my mother of such a heinous act, especially if she was powerful enough to actually pull it off. This was a huge advantage to her. Now that she'd established herself as a ruthless businesswoman, pretty much everyone knew not to stand in her way. She shot up the corporate ladder and soon landed the position she has now, CEO. And that was when things started to go straight to hell."

"They weren't there already?" Laura grumbled, playing with a strand of Carmilla's hair.

"I was seventeen. A senior in high school. I was pretty much set. I could have gone to any Ivy League school I wanted, my grades were that good." She paused. "And, I guess, my connections. None of them would dare reject Lilita Morgan's daughter."

"So... What happened?"

A sad smile tugged at the corners of Carmilla's lips. "Elle."

Laura frowned. "Who?"

"A beautiful tornado of a girl who transferred to my school and stole my heart."

"So, your ex."

Carmilla sighed. "It's not– I don't want to call her that. It's too... impersonal."

"But she's _l_ _ike_  your ex, then."

"God, why are you fixating on that word?"

"It's a simple question, Carmilla."

Carmilla rolled her eyes. "Fine. I suppose, in the conventional terms of relationships, she was my ex. But I still resent the term."

Laura nodded. "Okay. Thank you." She turned the idea over in her head. Carmilla's ex. Carmilla's ex. Someone Carmilla had dated. Loved, even. 

Someone Carmilla loved that wasn't her.

"Anyway, she was this wild child who climbed trees in Central Park, smoked cigarettes in the girls' bathroom at school, and swam out to the rocks on Far Rockaway in rip currents. She was always close to the brink of death, and she liked it that way. Soon, she was bringing me along with her." Her smile widened, and Laura thought she saw a hint of a blush on her cheeks. 

"You did all of those things?" Laura asked.

"Not really. I mostly just watched her, and that was more than good enough for me." She glanced at Laura, eyes twinkling. "Although, I didn't tell you this before, but remember the Seaworld thing?"

"How could I forget?" Laura cackled, her mind going back to the incredible story Carmilla had shared on their first date.

"It was all Elle's idea. We did it together." Carmilla stared wistfully off into space. "She brought out this crazy, adventurous side in me that I had only ever felt around my father."

Laura watched Carmilla's face carefully. "Did you... Did you love her?"

Carmilla's eyes darted back to Laura. "I did." She clasped her hands together tightly. "I loved her."

Laura inhaled sharply. The words were like a punch to the gut. The thought of Carmilla holding someone else, kissing someone else, loving someone else... It was almost too much to bear, even if it was years ago.

"But the feeling wasn't mutual." Carmilla's face contorted into a mess of lines, etched into the skin by misfortune and heartbreak. "Elle's family was poor. Dirt poor. Just shy of homeless, in fact. She pursued me in the hopes that I'd give her money, or at least be able to get her a high-paying job." She laughed, harsh and bitter. "Funny how things work out."

Anger flared up inside Laura and pushed itself out in the form of furious speech. "That's awful! How could anyone do that do someone else? How could she– hell, how could _anyone_  not love you?"

Laura's voice cracked on the word "love."

She knew what it felt like to be unwanted and unloved. It was the worst sort of feeling. And it was so unfair that such a wonderful, loving person as Carmilla had ever had to feel it herself.

Carmilla gave her that sad smile again, and it shattered Laura's heart. She quieted, calmed, listened for Carmilla's next words. "I didn't find out until later. But even then, it didn't matter to me. None of it. I loved her. I would have given her anything."

Laura just watched Carmilla, daring not to speak a word.

"Our relationship lasted for months before my mother found out, and as usual it was all my brother's fault. He barged into my bedroom when she was sleeping over one night and caught us kissing. Immediately he ran to tell my mother." She shook her head slowly. "Knowing what I knew about my father, I was terrified of what might happen to Elle. After my brother dashed off, I was a wreck. Elle tried to console me, but couldn't understand why I was so upset. I didn't blame her. She didn't know any of it."

"So... What happened?"

"She was completely accepting."

Laura stared. "Come again?"

"She called both of us down to her study and said she'd known it all along, and that she was happy we'd finally admitted our feelings. She said she was totally fine with the situation, and so long as we weren't too PDA about it, we could do literally whatever we wanted. I guess she thought that in the changing times, it might look good in the press to have a lesbian daughter. Whatever the reason, I didn't really care. I was just happy Elle was safe.

"As if to further solidify her acceptance, she began to invite Elle over for dinner with the family on Friday nights, an event usually completely closed off to outsiders. She grew closer to everyone, especially and most surprisingly my mother. 

"But as time passed, Elle's family grew more desperate. She started working three jobs in addition to going to school and was starting to burn out. We stopped going on dates, and she stopped coming to dinner. I wanted to help her, but I didn't know how. My mother, however..." Carmilla's voice hardened. "She had a few ideas."

Laura felt a tide of worry rise in her. "Oh no."

"One day, she told me that she'd noticed a change in Elle, and that she'd heard from a few other school mothers about her financial situation. She told me she wanted to help her, and to have Elle come for a meeting with her. And of course, I was _idiotic_  enough to believe that my mother had the capacity to be selfless." Her fists clenched tightly. "So I told Elle, and she came for the meeting. She was ecstatic. Obviously. It was what she'd wanted from me all along."

Laura looked at Carmilla sadly and took her hand again. Carmilla placed her other hand on top of Laura's, the only acknowledgement of the gesture she offered as she continued to speak.

"My mother offered her a job at one of the company's research labs. It was pretty far upstate, but it paid ridiculously well. And of course Elle took it. She came out of the office practically skipping, and she kissed me like she'd never kissed me before."

Laura stiffened. Carmilla felt the vibrations of it through the couch cushions and sighed, realizing how Laura must have been feeling. "Sorry."

Laura shook her head. _Stop this._  "I'm fine."

Carmilla gave Laura a look. She didn't even need to say anything to get the message across:  _No you're not._

"Just get on with the story," Laura muttered, cheeks flushing.

With a final side-eye of suspicion thrown at Laura, Carmilla started talking again. "Well, I was happy for her, obviously. I asked what the job was. She said she couldn't tell me, that she had to sign a confidentiality agreement. I was a little upset that she was keeping it from me, but she told me not to worry and that it would all be okay. She left a week later for her new job and inevitably new school, since it was too far to commute. We promised to write each other every few days, and she would come to visit on weekends when she could. We would have emailed, but she didn't have a computer. So it was all very old-fashioned."

"That sounds like you," Laura teased, leaning her head on Carmilla's shoulder. Carmilla smiled, but her eyes were distracted. She kept going.

"It started off alright. I wrote her a letter the day before she left and sent it so it would be there waiting for her when she arrived. She responded a day later. Our correspondence was regular for weeks, as were her visits. But soon, her letters grew sparser. Finally, they stopped altogether. She didn't come to the city anymore. Radio silence.

"I was really worried. I thought maybe she'd found someone else all the way up there, and that was why she wasn't talking to me anymore. I asked my mother to ask the people at the lab about her, but she insisted Elle was fine and was probably just busy. The next day I got a letter addressed from Elle, dated the day before. My mother said it was proof she was okay. But when I opened it in my room and read it, I instantly knew something was wrong. The letter wasn't written in Elle's handwriting. It was written in my mother's."

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaat?" Laura gasped. "That's so stupid! How did she think that would even work? Did she honestly think you weren't in so in love with her that you didn't know her handwriting?"

"She knew she couldn't type it, because Elle didn't have a computer. Writing it by hand was her only option." Carmilla shrugged. "To be fair, it was a valiant effort. She drew little circles over the i's instead of dots, like Elle did. But it wasn't enough. I knew. And the very next day I skipped my classes and caught the first train upstate to a little town called Styria, where the lab was."

"This isn't going to be good," Laura mumbled to herself.

"I marched in and asked to see Elle. At first, they didn't even seem to know who I was talking about. But then, one of them finally said she was, and I quote, 'indisposed'."

Laura scoffed. "What does that even mean?"

"That's what I said. They just told me she couldn't see me. I demanded they take me to her. They refused. So..." She frowned. "I did something I wasn't proud of."

"What?"

"I kinda... lost my temper. I believe the words 'Do you know who I am' were shouted once or twice."

Laura's mouth fell open, and she let out an incredulous laugh. "You did not!"

"Hey, I was desperate! And it worked, so I didn't really care at the time. As soon as they realized I was Lilita Morgan's daughter, this little intern guy came running forward to take me to her."

"Well, that's good, I guess."

"I wish I hadn't gone at all."

Laura cocked her head. "Wait, what?"

"Laura..." Carmilla looked up. Her eyes were glistening with tears. 

Seeing her broken expression, Laura froze. Her words died on her tongue.

"You know those girls in your file? The ones in the photos?"

"Yes..."

Carmilla took in a shaky breath. "Elle ended up as one of them."

Laura was speechless.

"The intern took me downstairs and led me down this long hallway filled with rooms with locked doors. There were those little windows in the tops of them, and through them I could catch glimpses of people. Girls. They looked just like the ones in your pictures. Some were screaming, but the rooms were soundproof, so I couldn't hear them. I just saw their mouths opened wide and their necks thrown back."

Laura's hands began to shake.

"I know it sounds awful, but at the time I didn't care about any of them. The implications of what I was seeing didn't kick in until later. At the time I just wanted Elle. And a few seconds later, I got her." Carmilla inhaled deeply. "She was in the largest room all the way at the end of the hallway. The intern pushed the door open, and there she was. Test subject number 1211."

  
_"Carmilla,"_  Laura whispered in shock.

 "Her wrists and ankles were tied to the bed, and she was twisting and pulling against them and trying so hard to break free. She had all these tubes in her, some running blood in, some running blood out, some putting who knows what into her. All these machines were hooked up to her, and there were electrodes stuck to her forehead and neck and probably other places that I couldn't see. God, she looked like she was being exorcised. She was in so much pain, I know it..." She broke off with a sob that seemed to surprise even her.

A tear rolled down Laura's cheek as well, and she moved to be closer to Carmilla. 

Somehow, Carmilla managed to tell the next part through sobs that grew in both magnitude and intensity as she waded through her most painful memories. "I- I asked the intern what was wrong with h-her and... And he was surprised I didn't know- he thought my mother would have- would have told me- and I- she- He told me everything. He said s-she had schizophrenia and severe brain damage as- as side effects. Fucking side effects." Carmilla tilted her head back, staring at the ceiling in anguish. "She was _not_  a side effect!" she screamed.

Laura found herself crying now as well. Carmilla's suffering was heartwrenching and the hardest thing she'd ever had to watch.

"I tried to touch her, Laura," Carmilla rasped. "I tried to tell her she was safe now, that I would take her home and everything would be all right. She- she didn't know who I was. She was afraid of me. She wouldn't let me near her and then all of a sudden- Laura, oh God, Laura– She–" 

Sobs completely overtook her. 

She cried and cried for what felt like hours and Laura let her, unable to imagine her pain. All she could do was put her arms around her and hold her and hope in some way that she was easing her.

At last, Carmilla looked up at her, and in the softest, most broken voice Laura had ever heard, she said, "She died."

Laura sagged. "Carmilla."

"Right in front of me. Out of nowhere she started to shake and her head fell over and it looked like someone had electrocuted her and her heart monitor was beeping like crazy all over the place and the intern flipped out and started calling for help and and then she just fell back on the bed, quiet and lifeless, and the heart monitor only showed a flat line and there was that loud beep, the one that goes on forever."

She closed her eyes tightly. "I can still hear it."

Laura stoked her hair. "I'm so sorry."

Carmilla leaned into her touch and was silent for a moment before moving on.

"Everything happened so fast after that. The room was flooded with scientists and doctors who started trying to revive her, and the intern and some nurses forced me out of the room and had to drag me back down the hallway. And I was kicking and flailing and just screaming her name, screaming and screaming and screaming."

Laura bent her head down, touching the top of Carmilla's. The tears kept coming.

"It was a blur. I don't remember how but I got back to New York and I went right to my mother, who was still at work. I went right up to her office and barged right in and went completely ballistic. I don't even remember half the stuff I said, but I remember how fucking satisfying it was to say it.

"She didn't look the least bit surprised, and just let me scream myself out. Finally, when I paused for breath, she said she didn't understand why I was so upset." Carmilla's voice grew even harder and more bitter. "She told me that Elle had only wanted me for my money, and I should have been glad that she was no longer in my life, that she was protecting me. Can you _believe_  that? I told her I knew she was using me, but that it didn't warrant her being killed."

"Nothing does," Laura whispered.

"She said she made sure Elle knew everything about the 'job', including what would be done to her and the fact that she could possibly die in the process. Elle knew exactly what she was getting into, and she did it anyway." Carmilla's red, tear-filled eyes met Laura's. "But I don't care. She was desperate to help her family. My mother knew it, and she preyed on that desperation. That is what killed her."

Carmilla turned away from Laura and brought her knees to her chest. Laura moved to comfort her, but Carmilla shied away. 

Laura didn't feel the least bit upset by the refusal. She could sense that Carmilla just wanted to be alone with her memories. So she scooted back to her original spot, where she'd been when the story began, and tried to process everything she'd just heard. Carmilla sobbed quietly on the other end of the couch.

Fifteen long minutes passed in this sad not-quite-silence. Laura massaged the bridge of her nose, between her closed eyes, and wondered what exactly in hell she was supposed to do now.

"I told her I'd go to the police."

Laura's eyes flew open in surprise, flickering up to Carmilla's face. She had turned back to Laura again, her tears seemingly under control for the moment. 

"I told her I would tell everyone what she was doing, and that I would ruin her precious company that she'd chosen over everything else in her pathetic fucking life."

"Why didn't you?"

Carmilla laughed harshly. "She said no one would believe me. It would be the disturbed ramblings of a hormonal, angst-ridden, rebellious teenager against the wiser word of her distraught and worried mother, who also happened to be one of the most respected and feared people in the entire city. I told her it made me sick to look at her. She said I didn't have to, and kicked me out."

"Of her office?"

"Of her life."

Laura looked down. "Oh."

"She told me to go home and take what I wanted, but I had to be gone before she got home. I was not welcome back. She also told me that if it got out that I told anyone about what I saw, or if I ever came back, she would get rid of me for good. I knew she wasn't kidding. So I ran. And when I got home..." Carmilla smiled. "I robbed her safe."

Laura gasped incredulously. "You what?"

"You heard me. I broke in, which wasn't difficult since I already knew the passcode, and I took all the cash in it, which was about $10,000. I also stole some of her checks and forged her signature to make them out to me, then cashed them before she had a chance to realize what I was doing. I think I took about half a million dollars from her, total."

"Oh my god, you're unbelievable," Laura laughed. "But she totally deserved it."

"Yeah, she did." Carmilla beamed. "I was so proud of myself at the time. I mean, I knew it wouldn't last long, but it was enough to get a shitty little apartment and kept me afloat while I established myself as a busker."

"A what?"

"Street musician. Whatever." She shrugged. "I lived that way for years. I was pretty good about the money, but like I said, eventually the cash ran out. And I ran through the stuff I saved from singing pretty fast after that. I was always behind on my rent." She looked at Laura, and her eyes softened. "The day we met was the day I was evicted."

Laura's hand flew to cover her mouth. "No."

Carmilla nodded. "Funny how things work out."

They were quiet again, looking at each other. Carmilla had said so much these past few minutes, more than she felt she'd ever really said in one sitting, to anyone, and she didn't really feel like talking anymore.

"Carm," Laura said at last. "I didn't... I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

Carmilla sighed. The exhale sounded like she'd just put down a heavy object she'd been carrying for a long time, which wasn't far from the truth.. "I didn't mean to get so emotional. It's just– it's been a while since I've talked about it."

Laura scooted back to be close to her. "Of course," she whispered. "I completely understand." She brushed some of Carmilla's hair back against the side of her head. Placing two fingers on the other side of Carmilla's jaw, she turned Carmilla to face her. 

"I wish none of this ever happened to you," she murmured, kissing Carmilla's forehead.

Carmilla hummed contentedly. "I know." Her eyes met Laura's. "But then I would never have met you."

A tear slipped down Laura's cheek. She leaned in and softly captured Carmilla's lips with her own. Carmilla reciprocated, slowly wrapping her arms around Laura's waist and holding her close.

When they broke apart, they were both crying again, but Carmilla managed to compose herself quicker than Laura. She straightened up and cocked her head at her tearful girlfriend. "So what are we going to do about this?"

Laura looked at her, sniffling. "What do you mean?"

"Well, obviously they're not watching you too closely, or my mother would have come after me already to end this. So we're safe."

Laura took a deep breath. The much-needed air settled in her lungs and stomach and calmed her. "You're right. We are. But we won't be for much longer."

"I know." Carmilla looked down for a moment. 

And in that one moment, Laura knew exactly what was going to happen.

"Carmilla," she said. 

Struck by the intensity in her voice, Carmilla glanced back up at Laura, and was only a little surprised to see a flash of fire in her eyes.

"We need to bring down Silas Industries."

* * *

 

They formed a plan that very night.

Laura has access to the personal information of every single victim who was accusing the company, so she would contact them and conduct in-depth interviews with them. She would then combine those interviews with both the materials given to her and any other incriminating files she came across. After she finished the report, she would deliver it anonymously to every major news outlet in the country.

In other words, she was going to write the mother of all exposés.

They both knew they needed hard proof, even more than what was in Laura's file, or else nothing she wrote would stick. How they were going to get that proof was another matter entirely, but they had almost a month to figure it out.

There was one relief for Carmilla in all of this. After they finished discussing their plot, Laura finally returned to her normal self.

She displayed this by worrying loudly and anxiously about her father being alone on Thanksgiving the entire time they got ready for bed, even though it technically wasn't even Canadian Thanksgiving.

Finally, after she nearly choked on her toothbrush in mid-worry for the third time, Carmilla spat out her toothpaste froth and sighed. "Cupcake, do you want to go see your dad?"

Laura smiled sheepishly and spat out her own saliva before speaking. "Would it be okay? I know he'd love to meet you."

Carmilla sighed again, longer and more dramatic than the first time. "Of course it's okay." 

"Yay!" Laura clapped her hands together excitedly and picked up her toothbrush again.

"But... are you sure this is the best time? Even after everything we just talked about?"

"Carm, after everything we just talked about I think what we both need the most is a vacation." Laura brushed for a few more moments, then spat again. "What time is it?"

"Um, I think the clock downstairs said midnight when we left to come up here."

"Okay. Okay, okay, that works. We can catch the 1:00—"

"Whoa, whoa, back up a second, sweetheart. Did you say 1:00?"

"Yeah..." Laura said slowly.

"1:00 in the morning?"

"Yes."

"Like, now morning."

Laura stared at her. "It's a twelve-hour train ride, Carm. We have to go today."

Carmilla let out the loudest, longest groan Laura had ever heard. "Can't we go later?" she complained.

"I don't want to get there too late," Laura replied.

Carmilla just glared at her.

Laura sighed. "You can sleep on the train."

"But it's not as comfy as our nice warm bed."

Laura rolled her eyes and picked up her toothbrush again. "We're going. Start packing."

"What? Packing? How long are we going to be there?"

"We're not just showing up for dinner and then immediately getting back on the train for another twelve-hour ride, Carmilla." Laura brushed a bit more, then rinsed. "Besides," she added, "I wanna show you where I grew up."

Carmilla still didn't look entirely convinced.

"We won't stay more than two days, including today," Laura reasoned. "I promise."

Carmilla frowned deeply and marched out of the bathroom. "I'm using you as a pillow for the whole ride," she grumbled.

Laura laughed. "It's only fair," she called after her.

Carmilla simply allowed her middle finger to soar up into the air behind her, eliciting another round of giggles from her girlfriend.

* * *

Laura and Carmilla climbed out of their cab right in front of Grand Central, the ever-present lights offensively bright to their tired eyes. It was 12:45. Laura had been a packing whirlwind, leaving their bedroom at home looking like a disaster zone, but managing still to get all her things together in record time. All Carmilla had had to do was grab her backpack, and she was set.

For a moment they just stood in front of the doors, deliriously exhausted. It wasn't even that late, but their entire evening had been so incredibly draining that one could hardly blame them.

It was Carmilla who remembered how to work her feet. She grabbed Laura's arm. "We gotta go."

Laura blinked a few times, returning to life ever so slowly. "Right. Okay. Sure."

Forcing her feet to move, Carmilla dragged her girlfriend through the doors and down the shiny marble ramps to the impressive main concourse. The familiar teal ceiling peppered with golden constellations watched from above as the pair staggered to a window and bought their tickets for the 1:05 train bound for Toronto. 

When they at last collapsed in their seats, moments before the train left, Laura made a strangled noise somewhere between a sigh and a moan. "This was a horrible idea."

" _Your_  horrible idea," Carmilla grumbled.

"Although, I _am_  pretty excited to see my dad again," Laura said, as if Carmilla hadn't spoken. "It's been months since we last saw each other. Work's been so busy, and then there was the whole business with you and—" Laura began her usual rambling, apparently undeterred and probably even exacerbated by sleep deprivation.  

Carmilla, however, couldn't focus on a word Laura was saying. She was tired, yes, but she was also experiencing the heart-pounding, palm-sweating, stomach-churning nervousness only associated with meeting the parents of the person you are in love with for the first time. And it was distracting, to say the least.

Laura had gone on and on ad infinitum about her father's overprotectiveness. Carmilla had a hard time believing he wanted to meet her for any reason other than to try and scare her into staying away from his only daughter.

Not that it would work, but still. She'd prefer not to get into a fight with the one person Laura loved most in the world. Besides Carmilla, of course—

 "Uh, Carm?" A hand waved in front of her face.

Carmilla started. "Huh?"

"I asked you if you wanted coffee like three times." 

"Oh."

"Well, do you? I think the cafe cart is open."

"No." Carmilla turned her gaze to the dark landscape rushing past the window outside. 

"All right, if you're sure."

"Positive."

An awkward pause.

Laura narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

A shoulder nudged hers, and Carmilla glanced over at Laura. Her eyes were soft. "You're not fine."

Carmilla didn't answer.

Laura bit her lip. "You know," she began, attempting to change the subject, "my dad's really excited to meet you."

Carmilla's leg started bouncing uncontrollably, seemingly with a mind of its own. 

"Wait." Laura turned further around to face her girlfriend more directly, a teasing, disbelieving grin slowly spreading across her mouth. "Are you nervous about meeting my dad?" 

Carmilla glared at the offending limb, furious that it had given her away. "No," she mumbled.

Laura started to laugh. She took Carmilla's hand and squeezed it tight. "You totally are."

Carmilla gave her a small smile. "Well, can you blame me? I haven't exactly had the greatest track record with parents." The smile slid off her face. "Elle's mother hated me."

Laura's chest tightened. She leaned her head on Carmilla's shoulder. "My mother would have loved you."

Her eyes glazed over as she stared off into space, consumed by her own memories. Carmilla watched her in silence.

Finally, she kissed the top of Laura's head. "If she's anything like you, I would have loved her too."

Laura's voice was sad. "Yeah." She traced patterns on Carmilla's hand with her thumb. "But my dad will love you too. You have nothing to worry about."

Carmilla raised her eyebrows with a wry smile. "Really? Because according to you, he's one of the most overprotective dads in the entire world."

That elicited a small chuckle from Laura. "Okay, I _may_  have exaggerated. He's no more overprotective than any other dad. He knows I'm an adult now." She cocked her head in mock thought. "Although, he did send me bear spray when I told him me and LaFontaine were going camping, so I guess he might be a tad more overprotective than a normal dad."

Carmilla looked at her quizzically. "And what exactly entails a 'normal dad'?"

Laura's brow furrowed. "You know. Wasn't your dad awfully overprotective in that weird way only dads can be?" Her voice lowered. "He probably had to be with such a gorgeous daughter," she murmured, leaning in to kiss her.

Carmilla only allowed it for a brief second before pulling back. "I wouldn't know. We never really got to that part before—" She swallowed. "I was barely seven, Laura. If he was ever like that, I— I can't remember."

Laura's heart sank. She felt like hitting herself. "Oh god."

"It's okay."

"No. No, it's not. Oh, Carm, I'm so sorry. That was so insensitive."

"We can stop talking about it now." Carmilla gently took her hand from Laura's.

Laura looked down at Carmilla's hand, now resting on her thigh. It was shaking.

Her eyes moved up to see Carmilla's lower lip, trembling ever so slightly.

Maybe it was just the motion of the train.

Carmilla stood up abruptly and moved past Laura. "I'm going to use the bathroom."

Laura leaned her head back against the fabric of her seat and sighed.

* * *

Carmilla wasn't gone long. She just needed time to splash some water on her face, slap her cheeks, and pull herself together, all the while letting a string of expletives leave her mouth.

It took her about five minutes.

When she returned, Laura noticed her red, wet eyes and flushed cheeks and almost started to cry herself. But the urge disappeared as Carmilla sat back down in her seat, raised her armrest and curled into Laura's side. She tucked her head into the crook of Laura's shoulder.

Laura leaned her head on Carmilla's and laced their fingers together. All the muscles in her body began to relax as Carmilla's warmth flowed into them.

"I'm sorry," Laura whispered.

Carmilla squeezed her hand and sniffled softly. "I love you."

They fell asleep just like that, breaths and heartbeats syncing to the rhythmic vibrations of the train on its tracks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's title came from "Which Witch" by Florence + The Machine.  
> Guys. Shit. I'm SO sorry. I didn't mean to go this long (again!) without posting. But I'm back, and with an almost 7,000 word vengeance! Yay!  
> You'll get a reprieve from the angst next chapter. I promise.


	14. you're a hard soul to save, with an ocean in the way, but i'll get around it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Featuring family, dysfunction, and homophobia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you could probably tell from the summary, this chapter contains homophobia. Nothing too intense but it's not great.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Laura was awoken by a slight jolt as the train slid into the Toronto station. She blinked slowly a few times to clear the groggy film that had formed over her eyes and took in her surroundings.

Somehow, throughout the course of the ride, both she and Carmilla had shifted all the way over to the window in their sleep. Carmilla was leaning right up against it, and Laura was practically on top of her. 

Judging from Carmilla's steady breathing and closed eyes, Laura guessed she was still asleep. 

She leaned over and brushed her lips against her girlfriend's cheek.

"Carm," she whispered.

Carmilla huffed a little and turned her face away, pushing it further against the window. She didn't wake up.

Laura tried her best to suppress delighted giggles as she kissed Carmilla's cheek again. She knelt on the seat and leaned over to kiss her nose, and then her forehead, and then her cheek again.

Carmilla's face wrinkled up in a disgruntled grimace. "Mmrrgg..."

"Good morning, sleepyhead." Laura was having a hard time raising her voice above a murmur. All the high emotions from the night before had left her (and her vocal cords) thoroughly exhausted. "Time to get up."

"No," Carmilla grumbled. She turned her head into Laura's chest and shifted all her weight against her.

"Yes. Unless you want to be stuck on a train back to New York City for another twelve hours."

Carmilla pouted but sat up slowly and at last opened her eyes. She let out a tiny yawn, arching her back as she did so.

Laura smiled. "Kitten."

"Shut up."

"Should I call you Catmilla?"

"Laura, it is too early for this."

"It's noon."

"And?"

Laura rolled her eyes and stood up, grabbing her duffel bag from the floor. "Case in point, _Catmilla_."

Carmilla stood up as well and slung on her backpack. "I don't care if we're going to see your dad, I will kill you if you call me that again."

Laura laughed. "If I pet you long enough, will you start purring?" she said as they began walking down the aisle towards one of the exits.

Carmilla's glare could have frozen a lake. Laura just laughed harder.

* * *

At customs, the two of them stood in line to show their passports. Carmilla's body was wrought with anxiety as she desperately hoped the woman behind that little desk wouldn't notice it was expired or look too closely at the name it bore. She had been briefly famous once, after all.

Her mother had made an enormous fuss after she left, painting the picture that her daughter had run away from home and further playing the victim card to garner more sympathy and respect. She even got the police involved to really sell it. Carmilla's picture had been on the front page of every newspaper in the city, from the New York Times to the trashy tabloids blowing around in the subway. She was lucky no one seemed to recognize her.

Of course, her mother had apparently been telling everyone Carmilla had died, and the press coverage died with her. But there was still the off chance someone could recognize her. Especially now, when she dressed more like she used to and had actually taken a shower.

The line inched forward at a painfully slow pace, but it was still too fast for Carmilla.

Laura, meanwhile, was bouncing with excitement. She couldn't wait for Carmilla to meet her dad. Obviously there was a small hint of doubt that perhaps they wouldn't hit it off right away, but she knew it was natural.

She glanced at Carmilla and squeezed her hand in an attempt to soothe her nerves. She knew Carmilla was nervous about her passport; they'd discussed it briefly on the cab ride to Grand Central. At the time, Laura had just waved it off, and they'd both been too tired to talk further. But to be honest, she herself was starting to feel a little worried about it.

Twenty minutes passed before they reached the front of the line. Carmilla could feel herself start to sweat and prayed she didn't look too suspicious. Laura squeezed her hand again and she squeezed back, giving her a grateful look.

"Welcome to Canada!" the woman said cheerfully. "Passports, please!"

Laura went first. The woman saw the smattering of Canadian stamps already on the pages of the passport and barely looked at the name before adding a new one with a flourish. She handed it back to Laura and stuck a hand out for Carmilla's.

Laura nudged her gently. "Carm," she whispered.

"Oh. Uh, yeah. Right." Carmilla pulled the passport out of her pocket and handed it to the woman, then averted her gaze to the floor.

The woman took a quick look at the name and adorned Carmilla's passport with a stamp of its own. Just as she was about to hand it back, however, a tiny flicker of a memory rose in a far corner of her brain. She looked at the name again. "Carmilla Karnstein? Wait, aren't you-"

Carmilla stiffened, bracing herself for the worst. 

Suddenly, Laura burst out, "Listen, lady, we have another train to catch at a different station, so if this is all in order, good day!" She reached over and plucked the passport from the stunned (and vaguely confused) woman's hands before dragging Carmilla away and through the doors to the parking lot.

Outside, Carmilla finally allowed herself to laugh. "Didn't know you could be so authoritative, cupcake."

 

 

 

Laura smiled. "There's a lot you don't know about me."

"And yet, I come all this way to meet your father." Carmilla put her arms around Laura's waist and pulled her close. "I do hope you're not actually a serial killer and this is just a ploy to lure me in."

Laura smirked. "Well, not quite, though I _am_  planning to murder you in bed tonight."

"While your father's home? Naughty, naughty girl," Carmilla whispered, leaning down and kissing her. When they broke apart at last, she said in a low voice, "I'm going to have to punish you."

Laura laughed and kissed her again. 

They both heard a car honk, long and loud, at that precise moment.

Laura turned her head to see her father getting out of his car and grinning at the both of them. Her whole face lit up. She dropped her bags, broke from Carmilla's embrace, and ran over to him. "Dad!"

Laura's father lifted her up in a tight hug and spun her around a little. Carmilla picked up Laura's bags and walked over to them more slowly, the sight bringing a tiny smile to her face.

Both of Laura's feet were now safely on the ground, and her smile was only getting larger. She looked up at her dad and gestured to Carmilla. "Dad, this is my girlfriend Carmilla. Carmilla, this is my dad."

Theodore Hollis wasn't as bad as she thought he would be. In fact, he was relatively unassuming. He was on the slim side, but clearly strong, as he had just exhibited by lifting his adult daughter several inches off the ground. His brown eyes were hidden behind round, wire-rimmed glasses, but Carmilla could still see the tired creases at their edges. He looked young at first glance; he hadn't grown a beard, and his light brown hair wasn't greying just yet. The lines across his face, however, told a different story. A sadder story. A story Carmilla had read the beginning of in his ex-wife's journal.

A pang of guilt struck Carmilla's heart. She should have put the journal down as soon as she had realized what it was. 

It couldn't be helped now. She just had to act like she had no idea that Laura's mother resented her husband for dragging her back to live a life she didn't want in a place she hated.

Easy. 

She extended a hand and smiled at him. "Lovely to meet you, Mr. Hollis. Laura's told me so much about you."

Mr. Hollis took her hand and shook it firmly, seeming impressed. "Likewise, Carmilla. On both fronts. And please, call me Theo." 

It took everything in Carmilla to keep from expressing any sort of recognition.

"Hey, wasn't that also your doctor's name?" Laura said, addressing Carmilla. "At the hospital?"

"Uh, I think so," Carmilla said, trying to remember. 

"Hospital?" Mr. Hollis said in alarm.

"Long story," Laura said quickly, "but I'm fine, Carmilla's fine, everyone's fine."

"Oh." Mr. Hollis visibly relaxed. "Good, good. Well, let's head home, shall we?"

After loading their bags into the trunk of the car, Laura and Carmilla and Theodore got into the car, Laura riding shotgun and Carmilla in the back. She didn't mind; in fact, she thought that after everything Laura had been through these past few months she deserved as much time with her dad as she could get.

The car ride mostly consisted of Laura bubbling away to her father about how her life had been, leaving out most of the ordeal with Carmilla and the complete shitstorm that had just descended on her at work. Carmilla was silent, watching the streets of Toronto pass by and give way to more suburban territory through the back window. She couldn't stop thinking about Laura's mother and father, especially given what she knew about their relationship from the journal she _should never have read in the first place._

Laura didn't resemble her father too much, so Carmilla could safely assume she looked more like her mother. This was only further confirmed by the glances she noticed Theodore Hollis throwing at his daughter when he was sure she wasn't looking, his eyes filled with a deep sadness Carmilla recognized immediately as complex and profound heartbreak.

She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't hear the first time Mr. Hollis asked her what she did for a living.

The second time he asked her, she still didn't respond. Laura turned around in her seat and immediately recognized the faraway look in her girlfriend's eyes. She waved a little to get her attention. "Carm?"

"Oh." Carmilla snapped back to attention. "Sorry. Um, I'm... I'm a singer, of sorts."

"Of sorts?" Mr. Hollis frowned. "I hope that doesn't mean what I think it means."

"And what do you think it means, dad?" Laura challenged, ready to defend Carmilla's life choices at a moment's notice. She wouldn't be caught off-guard again like she was at LaFontaine and Perry's Halloween party. 

Mr. Hollis ignored his daughter and looked instead into the rearview mirror, right at Carmilla. Carmilla saw the twinkle in his eye and knew that whatever was coming was going to be a joke. "You aren't a burlesque singer, are you, Carmilla?" 

Laura tittered nervously. "Dad!"

Carmilla laughed. "No, no. Not that kind of singer. I just... I'm not a professional."

"You're likely more professional than all these airheads they play nowadays," Theodore said, gesturing wildly with one hand to the radio. "Too bad professionalism doesn't seem to count for anything in that industry. Nor does talent, apparently," he groaned as Laura turned up the volume on a Taylor Swift song that had just begun to play and began to sing along to it at the top of her lungs.

Carmilla laughed again. Laura was right. Her father wasn't bad at all.

* * *

 

They pulled up to a nice house that looked outstandingly normal. It was two floors, painted a pale yellow with white trim, and the door was a bright, welcoming red. A literal white picket fence surrounded the perfectly manicured lawn. It did not go unnoticed by Carmilla that this was the only house she had seen so far to have a fence. She guessed it probably had something to do with the whole overprotectiveness thing.

Theodore insisted on carrying their bags in on his own, despite Laura's repeated protests. As he pushed the door open with his hip, he said over his shoulder, "So, Laura, your room's all ready for you. Carmilla can take my bed and I'll take the couch."

Laura sighed. "Dad, please. We're all adults here."

He looked at her innocently. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Carmilla is sleeping _with_  me."

"Am I ever," Carmilla murmured, just loud enough for Laura to hear.

Laura tried to curtail her blush, smacking Carmilla's arm hard when her father wasn't looking. 

"Well, Laur, I just assumed that since your bed's a twin Carmilla might be more comfortable having a bed to herself," Mr. Hollis tried, but one look at his daughter's crossed arms and raised eyebrow told him resistance was futile. 

"Fine," he acquiesced. "You two can stay in my room, and I'll stay in Laura's."

Laura's expression changed from stern to once again protesting. "Oh, dad, we're not going to banish you from your bed," she said. "Carmilla and I can fit just fine in my bed."

"Are you sure, honey? I don't want you to be uncomfortable."

"We won't be." Laura turned to Carmilla, smiling. "Right, babe?"

Carmilla gave Mr. Hollis a convincing thumbs-up.

That seemed to do it. "All right. But you say the word and you get the big bed, okay?"

"Okay, dad," Laura said, kissing him on the cheek and grabbing her bags from him. "Come on, Carm."

"Gladly," Carmilla said, following her up the stairs. "I can't wait to see what boy band posters you have on your walls."

Laura froze mid-step. "Oh god."

"My offer still stands, hon," Mr. Hollis called from somewhere downstairs.

Laura's face was a concerning shade of red. "No, dad, it's fine," she said weakly. To herself, she muttered under her breath, "You had to face this sooner or later."

"Come on, Laura," Carmilla teased. "What's the holdup?"

"I really hate you sometimes," Laura grumbled, marching quickly up the rest of the stairs. 

Carmilla followed with the same teasing grin on her face. She could only imagine what would wait for her in Laura's childhood bedroom.

Laura had paused outside of a door a few feet down the hall from the stairs, the first one to the left. A pink sign hung upon it bearing her name in childish yellow letters. As Carmilla caught up to her, she noticed there was a small red dot in each corner.

No, not just dots, she realized as she got closer. 

Ladybugs.

"It didn't come with them," Laura said.

Carmilla glanced at her. "Huh?"

"The ladybugs." She smiled, brushing one of the insects with her index finger. "I got this sign for my birthday when I was three. I liked it, but it was kind of boring. So my mom painted the ladybugs on it. That was what she used to call me, her little ladybug."

"Oh." Carmilla examined the plaque more intently. Each bug had been painted in painstaking detail, and not one had the same spots. "They're incredible."

"Yeah, she loved art." Laura didn't seem to want to talk about this anymore, and Carmilla couldn't blame her. 

She straightened up and turned to Laura again, that teasing grin returning. She gestured to the doorknob. "So, shall we?"

Laura bit her lip, her mood shifting from nostalgic to embarrassed. "Okay, but you have to promise not to laugh."

"You know I can't promise that."

Laura rolled her eyes. "You're the worst," she said as she turned the knob and pushed open the door.

Carmilla stepped in...

...and immediately bent over at the waist with laughter.

Laura's face was an unhealthy crimson, and she dropped her bags to cover it with her hands. "Don't judge me for this."

At first glance, Laura's room appeared rather normal. A simple white desk on the wall to the left, flanked by bookshelves. A chest of drawers on the wall to the right. And, of course, a simple twin bed, headboard pushed up against the wall facing the door. The windows, one on each side of the bed, let the warm sunlight fall in two distinct patches on the soft carpet.

There were a few choice objects that spoke to her teenage passions, including a cardboard cutout of David Tennant standing in the corner and some occasional Hufflepuff paraphernalia scattered about. But overall, there wasn't anything too awful.

Except for the enormous NSYNC poster hanging above Laura's bed.

One look at a ridiculously enlarged 1995 Justin Timberlake and his pubescent face and his ramen-esque hair was all it took to send Carmilla into a tailspin of laughter.

"I- I can't-" she cackled, "b-believe you- you- SLEPT under that!"

Laura glared at Carmilla through her hands. "I hate you."

Carmilla straightened up slowly, her laughter subsiding to chuckles. "This is unbelievably terrible," she said, waving a hand at it and moving towards the bed. 

"I was young."

"You were horribly misguided." Carmilla grinned at her and flopped backwards on the bed, sinking into the plush white duvet covering the mattress. "When exactly did you make this appalling purchase?"

Laura mumbled something under her breath.

"I don't have vampire hearing, sweetheart."

"I was seventeen."

There was a lapse in mocking as Carmilla did the math in her head.

But as soon as she figured it out, she started up again. 

"That was in 2006," she managed to say, before bursting into laughter again.

"So what?"

"So A: you were seventeen, which I feel is old enough to comprehend the mistake you were making, and B: that was several years after they broke up."

Laura rolled her eyes and crossed the room to join her on the bed. "Whatever," she sighed as she sat down and kicked off her heels. "You'll never understand."

"I understand perfectly well." Carmilla rolled on her side and propped up her head with her hand. "I understand that your teenage music taste was absolute garbage."

"Hey! You've clearly never listened to No Strings Attached." At the judgmental eyebrow-raise that garnered, Laura frowned. "Nevermind."

A silent moment passed as they both shifted to more comfortable positions on the small bed. 

"I'm exhausted."

Laura giggled. "Well, you better rest up. Thanksgiving at the Hollis household is more like an eating marathon."

Carmilla yawned and scooted closer to Laura. "Oh joy."

Laura smiled and closed her eyes. Surrounded by familiar sheets, sounds, and scents, she was soon asleep. Carmilla followed seconds after.

* * *

Theodore Hollis couldn't help himself. 

Laura was his only daughter, and even though she was an adult and she was living on her own in the "big city," he was understandably nervous. She had a girlfriend. A serious girlfriend. She hadn't had a serious girlfriend in a long time.

So, after fretting around in the kitchen for a while, he finally decided he'd just head up to check on them.

Just in case.

You never know.

The door was closed when he arrived in front of it. He took a deep breath, bracing himself for whatever awaited him within, and pushed it open.

Laura and Carmilla were sleeping peacefully. Carmilla's body was curled up around Laura's in a protective parentheses. Their chests rose and fell together.

The first emotion he felt was a flash of blind panic. He wanted to burst in there and rip Carmilla's hand off his daughter's stomach, banish her to the couch, enforce strict boarding school-style policies.

But then, he noticed Carmilla shift backwards in her sleep to make more room for Laura on the bed, even though she herself was almost falling off the edge.

He let out a breath and even managed to smile.

She picked a good one.

* * *

Hours later, Laura's slumber was interrupted by a sound that remarkably resembled a doorbell. Her eyes shut tighter.

But then she heard a familiar voice.

It sounded like her aunt Judy.

Aunt Judy?

Laura shot straight out of bed, startling Carmilla into consciousness. "What the hell, Laura?" she griped, feeling around for her girlfriend on the bed with her eyes still shut. 

Before Carmilla could fully comprehend what was happening, her girlfriend had raced out of the room and halfway down the stairs, where she crouched down low so as to avoid being spotted by...

Aunt Judy.

And her uncle Albert.

What were they doing here?

The comforting scent of chocolate and copper reached her before Carmilla did, allowing Laura to whip her head around, grab her girlfriend's arm, and yank her down to her level. 

"Cupcake, what's goin-"

"Shhh," Laura whispered urgently.

Carmilla clammed up, her wide eyes asking the question instead.

Laura listened in on the conversation going on in living room below for about another minute before turning around and dashing up the stairs, a confused Carmilla in tow.

Once they were safely back in Laura's room, Carmilla raised an eyebrow. "Explain. Now."

"Well, I- uh-"

"Cupcake, who were those people?"

"My aunt and uncle."

Carmilla made a noise of disbelief. "You said it would just be me, you and your dad!"

"That's what _I_  thought!" Laura groaned loudly. "Uuuuugh. I can't believe my dad didn't _tell_  me about this!"

Carmilla blew a harsh breath out her nose. "So you didn't know either."

" _No._  Carmilla, I swear, if I knew he was going to call the whole extended family out here and re-do Thanksgiving with them, I never would have dragged you here."

Carmilla sighed, resigning herself to the fact that she would now have to brave all of Laura's family. "It's okay."

"No, it isn't. God, Carm, I'm so sorry. This is such a mess."

Carmilla took Laura's hands and managed a smile. "Sweetheart, it's really okay. You didn't know." She dropped her hands. "Now, I'm going to change. I'm not sure how well your family will take it if their first impression of me is bed-head and wrinkled clothes."

"I'm not sure it'll matter that much," Laura mumbled.

Carmilla had already crossed the room to their bags and was rooting through them to find a dress Laura had bought her weeks ago. She hated wearing dresses and had only let Laura buy it as a contingency. How glad she was now that she had it. "What do you mean?" she asked, pulling out a pair of black wool tights.

"You could be dressed for the red carpet and it wouldn't matter. You're still a girl."

Carmilla froze. 

"So, you came out to them?" she said slowly.

"I tried."

"What does that mean?"

"It means steer clear of Aunt Judy and Uncle Albert. And my cousin Jesse. Oh, and his wife Barbara. And Aunt Georgia-"

"God, Laura-"

"It's fine." Laura took a fluttery breath. "It's fine. It's going to be fine. Just. Um. I should change now. I'm going to change now." She grabbed one of her bags, threw herself down on her knees, and started frantically rummaging for her own dress. 

Carmilla placed a hand on her back. "Laura, _stop_."

Laura glanced at her, tears in her eyes, and Carmilla felt the overwhelming urge to march down those stairs and do unspeakable things to Judy and Albert.

"Listen to me." She brought her hand to Laura's cheek and looked directly into her wet eyes. "If they can't accept you for who you are, they are complete and total idiots who don't even realize what they're missing. It's their loss. Not yours. Okay?"

Laura nodded, but was unable to stop a tear from slipping down her cheek.

Carmilla wiped it away with her thumb. "It _is_  going to be fine. I'm here. Don't worry."

Laura gave a watery laugh. "It's not me I'm worried about."

Carmilla grinned. "I can hold my own." She leaned in and kissed Laura's forehead. "I saw your aunt. She's a tree branch. I could have her on the floor in ten seconds flat."

Laura laughed again, a bit happier this time. "Please don't."

Carmilla winked and stood up, having found her dress. "No promises."

"You're very bad at making promises."

Carmilla pulled off her shirt, causing Laura's breath to catch. "I simply refuse to break any. The only way to do that is to only make ones I can keep. And I just can't promise you that I won't beat up your asshole of an aunt if she says one rude thing about you."

Carmilla's shoulder blades completely distracted Laura from the eloquent explanation. "Uh huh."

Carmilla raised an eyebrow, smirking in that way that she knew would only incapacitate Laura further. "I don't _have_  to put the dress on yet."

Laura returned the smirk with her most suggestive eyes, which she knew had an identical effect on Carmilla, and stood up and walked over to her girlfriend. 

"You really don't," she murmured, her fingers dancing over Carmilla's bare arms.

Carmilla smiled and leaned in to kiss Laura. Her fingers toyed with the buttons on Laura's blouse. "Did you ever get to christen your bed during high school?" she whispered against her girlfriend's lips.

Laura inhaled sharply as the first button came undone. "N-no."

"Then what are we waiting for?" 

Laura could only nod before shoving her lips back onto Carmilla's and pushing her backwards onto her little twin bed.

* * *

Thirty minutes later, the pair stood at the top of the stairs, dressed and polished and with no indication whatsoever of their very non-PG-13 actions of only moments before. Laura was holding Carmilla's hand in a vice grip that got tighter with each passing second.

"You ready?" Carmilla whispered.

Laura closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and opened them again. "Yeah."

Carmilla gave her a reassuring smile, and together they started down the stairs.

Most of the family had already arrived by now, and the house was full of people. As they descended, Laura scanned the crowd for her father and spied him leaving the living room.

"Laura?"

Laura and Carmilla's heads both whipped to the source of the voice. Laura's grip on Carmilla's poor hand grew even tighter when she realized who it was, and Carmilla was pretty sure this was one of the aforementioned unfriendly aunts.

"Hi, Aunt Judy," Laura said weakly. 

The woman standing by the foot of the stairs was thin and petite, with a mousy face and a guarded, perplexed smile. Laura was forced to break contact with Carmilla's hand to hug her. Carmilla took the opportunity to massage and restore feeling to it while simultaneously trying to keep a semi-pleasant face on.

"You don't look any different from when I last saw you," Judy Greene gushed, patting Laura's cheek.

"Well, that was only a month ago, so I'd hope not," Laura tried joking.

"And who's this?" her aunt continued as if Laura hadn't spoken, gesturing to Carmilla. "A friend from your college days, I assume?"

Laura swallowed hard. "No, Aunt Judy," she said. "This is my girlfriend."

Carmilla gave the woman her most congenial smile and extended a hand. "Carmilla Karnstein. It's a pleasure to meet you."

Aunt Judy pursed her lips. She made no motion to take Carmilla's hand. Carmilla kept it up for a few more moments before lowering it slowly.

The woman looked at Laura, then at Carmilla, then back to Laura, and sighed. 

"Oh, honey, I didn't know you were still experimenting," she said, before patting Laura on the shoulder and walking away, shaking her head.

Laura let out a shuddering breath and stared at the ground, trying to hold back tears. 

Carmilla put a comforting arm around her and kissed her temple. "Just say the word and she snaps like a twig," she whispered.

Laura laughed, sniffling, and took Carmilla's hand again. "I really should be more concerned that you just threatened extreme violence against a family member."

"Nah. She deserves it. Besides, I know you think it's kind of hot."

"Sure. Nothing turns me on more than your homicidal tendencies."

Carmilla chuckled and kissed her again. "Come on. Let's get this over with."

* * *

Laura's family was an interesting mix.

Most of them were like Aunt Judy. A few were worse, but they didn't seem keen to continue in conversation after one glare from Carmilla. The rest were supportive in a confused but generally accepting way.

And then there was Eleanor.

Eleanor was a boisterous, flamboyant woman of eighty years ("Eighty slutty, slutty years," she had announced upon meeting Carmilla) who was Laura's maternal grandmother and the most spectacular human being Carmilla had ever met. She was the last to arrive, and after she did so, she followed Laura and Carmilla as they made their way around to the other family members and loudly called out anyone who showed even the slightest shred of homophobia: "Getting my knickers in a twist about this will only make me die faster, so I physically cannot hate whoever it may be that my darling granddaughter loves. Just knowing that she loves them will keep me going for years to come."

Carmilla was incredibly grateful for Eleanor's words, even if she herself didn't necessarily need to hear them. Laura clearly needed all the support she could get. 

Finally, the whole family sat down to eat at the long dining room table. Eleanor insisted that Carmilla sit between her and Laura, wanting to get to know her better. Carmilla wasn't about to complain.

As the night wore on, many questions were asked of the two of them. All were polite but cool, not necessarily inviting or accepting. Just mindless small talk. But of course, eventually came the one Carmilla alway dreaded. 

"So, uh, Carmilla, right?"

It was one of Laura's older cousins. Carmilla couldn't remember his name, much less if he was homophobic or not; Laura's family was huge.

"Yes," she said, giving him her nicest smile just in case he was one of the good ones. "That's me."

He returned her smile with a guarded one of his own. "What is it that you do for a living?"

Laura snaked her hand under the table and grasped Carmilla's tightly. 

Carmilla swallowed, steeling her nerves. She knew this would come up eventually. In fact, she was surprised she'd made it this far without it being brought up yet.

"I'm a singer," she replied.

"Oh, cool," the cousin said, and went back to his mashed potatoes. He seemed rather disaffected, unlike the rest of the table who had dissolved into a flurry of whispers after her response. Aunt Judy rolled her eyes and murmured something sarcastic about how that's _definitely_ a secure job. From across the table, Laura's father noticed how Carmilla stared down at her lap and how Laura gave her a sad look and nudged her shoulder with her own. He frowned at his sister-in-law, whom he'd never liked but had to invite because she was technically "family." "Judy, stop it." 

"Yes, Judy, put a cork in it. I didn't raise you to be a bigot," Eleanor scolded. "Any of you."

"Mom, please-" Judy began to protest.

Eleanor ignored Judy and turned to Carmilla. "I think it's a perfectly respectable profession, dear. Is it what you really want to be doing?"

Carmilla paused. She had never really thought about it before. Was she going to make a career out of this? _Could_ she make a career out of this?

She nodded, surprised at herself.

Eleanor clapped a hand on Carmilla's back with alarming strength for a woman of her age, causing Carmilla to immediately straighten in surprise. "Then I say keep doing it!" she declared with a laugh. "Life's too short to not be doing what you love. Or," she said, looking pointedly at Judy, "complaining about others doing what they love."

Laura's aunt shrank a bit in her chair.

After that, Carmilla answered questions more freely, knowing that Eleanor would protect her. And she did, each outburst more hilarious and cutthroat than the last. Finally, Laura's aunt stopped making remarks entirely, and just glowered down at her plate.

 

When dinner was over, the table was cleared and covered with the desserts brought by each guest, creating a sort of sweet buffet. Laura immediately reverted to a five-year-old in her excitement. Since Carmilla coudn't replicate her enthusiasm for dessert, she sat off to the side on the sofa with Eleanor and just watched Laura load up her plate with pie and cookies and other treats.

Eleanor watched Carmilla watch Laura. The small smile on Carmilla's lips and the twinkle in her eyes did not escape her. She chuckled. 

Carmilla turned to look at her. "What?" she said, still smiling.

"You're in love with her," Eleanor said. Bluntly. Just like that.

Carmilla blinked. "I'm very aware of that."

"And you've told her?"

"Of course." Carmilla's eyes flicked back over to Laura briefly before returning to Eleanor. "I tell her every chance I get."

"Good." Eleanor sighed. "I assume you know about her mother."

Carmilla shrugged. "Only what she's told me. Which isn't much. I know she left her, but that's-" Her mind returned to the diary she'd read, and she pushed it aside. "-that's it."

"Laura's mother—My daughter—She did one of the worst things a person can do. I can't abide by her actions one bit. She left that little girl and it broke her heart. I know her father has done his best, but no one can make up for something like that all on their own." Eleanor placed her hands on top of Carmilla's left. "You tell her every minute of every day that you love her. Don't you ever for one second let her forget that you love her. She hasn't been told enough and she doesn't believe it when she hears it, not from anyone. She needs you to tell her that more than anything else."

Carmilla met Eleanor's eyes. "I will."

"Promise me you will."

"Carm!"

Carmilla glanced back over at Laura, who was carrying an enormous pile of pastries on her plate. Laura pointed at the pile and mouthed "Oh my god," looking incredibly proud of herself. Carmilla grinned at her and waved before turning back to Eleanor. Her expression grew serious again. "I promise."

Eleanor smiled gently at her, and in the dim light her eyes seemed to glisten with tears. But again, the light was dim, and Carmilla couldn't be sure. "Good," she repeated.

Moments later Laura joined them on the couch, barely keeping her dessert mound from toppling. The conversation switched to something else entirely, and the three passed a happy, _sweet_ rest of the evening together.

* * *

At last, everyone left. Eleanor had been the last to go, just as she'd been the last to arrive, and apologized profusely for Judy's behavior before she went.

Laura and Carmilla helped Laura's father clean the house. He, too, apologized for not telling Laura that the family was coming.

"I accidentally let it slip to Aunt Bernadette that you were coming for American Thanksgiving like you've been doing, and you know how loose my sister's lips are," he explained as he put away the dishes Laura was drying. "She insisted we re-do Thanksgiving. I swear, honey, I tried to get out of it, but she was insistent. Probably because she missed our original Thanksgiving when she was off with that boyfriend of hers."

"Dad, it's fine," Laura laughed. "I just wish we had more of a heads-up, you know? I would've liked to prepare Carmilla more for dealing with Aunt Judy."

Laura's father shook his head. "That woman. I don't know how your mother could stand growing up with her."

Laura fell silent, as she always did when her mother was mentioned, and set down the plate she was holding. Her father watched her sadly and said nothing.

Carmilla entered then, carrying a folded tablecloth. "Where should I put this?"

"I got it," Theodore said, taking it from her. "Why don't you girls go on upstairs? You've had a long day. You should get some rest."

"Are you sure, dad?"

"I'm sure." He winked at Carmilla. "Don't keep her up too late, now."

"DAD!"

Carmilla let out a loud laugh. "I'll try to control myself," she responded.

Laura blushed and marched past her father. "GoodNIGHT."

Carmilla watched her go, and then continued to watch as she came running back into the room to plant a kiss on her father's cheek and then ran back out. She smiled at Laura's father, who gazed fondly after his daughter. 

"Night, Mr. Hollis," she said, and followed her girlfriend upstairs.

* * *

Despite the jokes, no inappropriate mischief was to be had that night. 

Once they were upstairs, in the darkness of their room, Laura and Carmilla found they barely had enough energy to brush their teeth, much less have sex. Changed into the tank tops and pj pants they'd brought, they collapsed into bed and curled up together beneath the luscious sheets.

"Can I just say again how sorry I am about all this?" Laura whispered.

Carmilla shook her head. "No, because once again, you have nothing to be sorry for."

"I know. But I still feel sorry."

Carmill rolled over so she was facing Laura. "I love you."

Laura's eyes had been closed, but they opened at the words. "I love you too."

"I love you," Carmilla repeated again, as if Laura hadn't said a word, and she kissed Laura softly on the lips. 

Laura reciprocated as much as she could before she felt her consciousness start to slip away. "Carm," she murmured, pulling away. "Let's go to sleep."

"Remember that, okay?"

"Remember what?"

Carmilla threw her arm around Laura's waist and fitted Laura's body against hers. "I love you."

Laura swallowed and closed her eyes. She placed her right hand over Carmilla's, now on her stomach. Carmilla kissed the back of Laura's neck and closed her eyes as well. They were soon asleep.

Laura dreamed of her mother.

Carmilla dreamed of Laura.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's title came from "Over the Love" by Florence + The Machine.  
> I'M SO SORRY IT TOOK FOREVER TO GET THIS CHAPTER OUT. My brain just seems incapable of writing anything resembling fluff, which caused my writer's block and is probably why there wasn't as much in this chapter as I had planned.  
> We return to the plot next chapter, in hopefully less time than it took to write this one.


	15. and the only solution was to stand and fight (and my body was bruised and i was set alight)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Featuring bullies, scheming, and honestly too much crying.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The next day was their last in Canada, and Laura was determined to show Carmilla all the sights before their train left at one that afternoon. So she woke up at the unholy hour of six AM and managed to drag a very reluctant Carmilla out of bed with her, but not before promising gratuitous amounts of caffeine in exchange for "my noble sacrifice," as Carmilla was putting it.

Theodore Hollis, though usually an early bird, was quite exhausted by the festivities of the prior evening, so he was still asleep when the girls left the house. Laura slipped the keys to his car off the hook as quietly as possible, and they tiptoed out the door together.

"So, where are you planning on getting me this coffee I was promised?" Carmilla asked as she slid into the passenger's seat.

"That's for me to know and for you to find out," Laura answered, wrapping her fingers around the steering wheel and flexing them in anticipation. "Here's a hint, though," she added as she pulled out of the driveway, "it was my favorite place as a child."

"Cupcake, I know next to nothing about your childhood. Hence the reason why you forced me out of your nice, cozy bed so early in the morning."

Laura sighed. "Fine. Another hint." She paused for effect before saying, "Olivia Newton John."

"How in hell is that a clue?"

"I guess you'll just have to wait and see."

Carmilla crossed her arms and turned to look out the window with a huff. Laura just laughed and turned up the radio.

* * *

A few minutes later the pair found themselves in the parking lot of a diner.

But not just any diner- an honest-to-goodness, straight out of the 1950's diner.

"Clever clue," Carmilla said as they approached the doors.

"I knew you'd get it once you saw it," Laura giggled.

 Laura pushed open the doors, and Carmilla marveled at the sight within.

The diner really did look exactly like the one from _Grease._  Black and white tiles, old-fashioned neon lights, red rubber booths, a flashy jukebox. 

"This place is amazing," Carmilla said, running her hand over the back of the booth beside them.

"I knew you'd like it," Laura said, grinning. She took Carmilla's hand and began to pull her over to a booth by the window.

But suddenly, she stopped short.

"Laura?" Carmilla questioned. "Come on, babe, I need coffee."

"Actually, maybe this wasn't such a good idea," Laura said quickly.

"What? No! It was a great idea! And you know what's a better idea? _Coffee. Now,"_ Carmilla protested as Laura took her by the shoulders, spun her around, and started pushing her back to the door.

"There's a Tim Horton's on the way home. You can get something there. Let's just go, before-"

"Laura Hollis, is that you?"

Laura froze, her face twisting into an expression Carmilla had never seen before. It was a combination of disgust and... fear.

She turned around slowly. Standing up from a booth with several other guys seated at it was a tall, stocky man with a teasing grin on his face.

"It's me, all right," she said, hoping she sounded stronger than she felt. "How've you been, Dennis?"

"Oh, you know. Same-old, same old."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

Dennis's face immediately turned angry. "And I guess you're still a dyke," he said, gesturing to Carmilla. 

Carmilla bristled, but Laura just shrugged. "There are worse things to be. Like you, for example."

Dennis pretended to think about it. "Hm. No, I'm pretty sure it's worse to be a faggot."

Carmilla stepped forward, her eyes flashing furiously. "What the hell did you just say?"

"Ooh, got yourself a feisty one, haven't ya?" Dennis said, walking closer to them. "It's a shame she's a lezbo. She's too pretty to go to waste."

"I got this," Laura whispered, putting a hand on Carmilla's arm. She turned to face Dennis. "I agree. She's too beautiful to waste on the likes of you," she retorted. 

Another guy stands up and moves next to Dennis. "Hey, why don't you faggots get out of here?" 

"That's _it_ ," Carmilla hissed. She lunged at the men, teeth bared in a ferocious snarl, but Laura grabbed her arms and held her back. "Carm, it's not worth it."

"You should listen to your girlfriend," the other guy jeered. 

Laura took Carmilla's hand. "Let's go," she said, glaring at them. She dragged Carmilla out of the diner in much the same fashion as she dragged her in. Carmilla made one last lean at the men as they passed, their laughs and jeers only angering her further.

Back in the car, Laura didn't seem bothered. She turned up the radio and hummed along to an upbeat tune, her fingers waving as she drove. But Carmilla, fuming in the passenger seat beside her, was obviously very bothered. 

"Laura, who were those assholes?" she asked.

Laura sighed. "Okay. So. I live in a small town, as you know. And I, uh- You remember how my family was about all this, right?"

Carmilla scoffed. "How could I forget?" 

A small smile flickered across Laura's lips. "Yeah. Well, imagine a high school full of that. For four years."

Carmilla's body went cold as she began to sense what was coming. 

"I actually got pretty lucky with my dad being so accepting, but the rest of my school, not so much. I got outed by a girl I thought was my friend, and that's a whole other story, but basically I became the biggest target in the school. Dennis and his friends, though, they were the main players in that game." She bit her lip in concentration as she switched lanes. "I saw the insides of lots of lockers in my day."

Carmilla's anger rose as Laura continued to detail the myriad of ways in which she was tortured throughout high school, and she was forced to sit on her hands to prevent herself from lashing out and hitting the glove compartment. But for the duration of the story Laura remained perfectly calm and even laughed on occasion, appearing to hold no resentment towards her aggressors. 

"Okay, hold on a second," Carmilla interjected as Laura told a particularly cringe-worthy story of total hallway humiliation without so much as a frown. "I don't understand. How aren't you more pissed about all this?" 

Laura shrugged. "I guess it's because I understand them." 

Carmilla didn't respond to that, so Laura continued. "Dennis's dad abused him," she explained. "Mark's parents straight-up didn't care about him and were always leaving him home alone. And Joey was adopted, which is always rough. I guess he never felt like he belonged anywhere, so that's why he always went along with what the other two did. I mean, out of all of them he was probably the nicest." She risked a brief glance at her girlfriend. "You sorta get it now, right?"

Carmilla sighed and stared out at the road. "I guess."

She did get it. She'd had her fair share of parental problems and she knew how prickly it had made her.

But Laura was softening her now.

Laura returned her eyes to the road, but reached out a hand to rub Carmilla's leg. "It was pretty cute how defensive you got back there, though," she chuckled.

Carmilla smiled then, but still said nothing.

Laura took a deep breath. She hadn't told anyone this except her dad. "So, another reason Dennis isn't my biggest fan: I kind of beat him up."

Carmilla started. "You _what?"_

"Krav Maga." She grinned. "They tried to jump me after school once. Little did they know that Papa Hollis made sure I was incredibly prepared for a situation like that."

Carmilla burst out laughing then at the image of tiny Laura leveling those thugs. "Oh my god!"

Laura puffed up with pride. "It was my finest moment."

"How?" 

"Oh, you know. Throat punch here, low kick there. An elbow to the stomach to really seal the deal."

Carmilla leaned over and kissed the side of her head. "God, I'm so in love with you."

Laura squirmed in her seat with a giggle. "Stop distracting the driver!"

Carmilla was still laughing as she settled back into her seat. Then a sudden, alarming thought hit her. "Wait."

"Yeah?"

"You said there were three of them, right?"

"Yeah...?"

"But you only beat up Dennis..."

Laura was silent for a moment. When she spoke at last, her voice was even, but her eyes were not. "You saw them. They were bigger than I was back then. Still are. " Her hands tightened on the steering wheel, turning her knuckles white.

The pain Carmilla felt in her heart came on fast and intense. She looked at Laura, whose eyes had glazed over with memories long-suppressed, and it sharpened.

She scooted back over to lean her head on Laura's shoulder and lightly rubbed her cheek against Laura's neck in a remarkably feline manner. 

Laura relaxed a little and smiled at her in the rearview mirror. "But I'm okay now."

Carmilla met her eyes, which didn't smile with her mouth. "I love you," she replied.

Laura blinked a few times. Her mouth twisted, puckered, released.

"Let's get that coffee," she finally said, and switched lanes to an exit.

* * *

After a day full of adventures (and yes, Carmilla did get her coffee eventually), it was finally time to head home. Laura's father drove the pair of them to the station after a delicious homemade dinner. And now they stood before the doors, bags at their feet, Laura embracing her father tearfully in front of the station and saying she hoped to make it home for Christmas. As she'd done days before, Carmilla stayed a few feet away and allowed them to have their private moment. 

Father and daughter broke their hug at last. Laura picked up her bags and stepped up on the curb to where Carmilla had been standing. Carmilla moved forward now to say her own goodbyes.

"Carmilla," Theodore Hollis said. His voice was still shaking from his daughter's emotional send-off. "It was absolutely wonderful to meet you. You're a great girl, and you make my daughter very happy." 

Carmilla's breath caught in her throat. She swallowed to keep the tears from falling and smiled softly instead. "It was an honor to meet the person who made her into such an incredible woman."

Instead of responding, Theodore pulled Carmilla into a tight hug.

Carmilla had never gotten completely used to hugs, despite the fact that Laura ambushed her with at least one every day. And hugs like these, so emotional, from someone who clearly cared about her to at least some degree...

She didn't cry. But she got pretty close.

"Keep an eye out for her, will you?" Mr. Hollis whispered in her ear. "She's all grown up..." His voice cracked. He cleared it with a cough. "I can't protect her anymore."

Carmilla's eyes stung. 

Pretty close. Not quite there, but pretty close. 

They broke their hug. Carmilla turned her head to look at Laura who was waiting for her by the gate. She turned back to Mr. Hollis and smiled at him. "Of course."

* * *

"Hello?"

"LaF. It's me."

"Laura. Hey. Haven't heard from you lately. What's up?"

Laura cast a glance at Carmilla, slumbering soundly on the seat beside her. It was midnight, several hours into their train ride, but Laura knew LaFontaine rarely went to bed before one AM. "I- I got a promotion."

"What? Oh my god, congrats! That's awesome!"

"Yeah. I'd been meaning to tell you but work has been... stressful, lately."

"I was getting that vibe. So, when's the party?" 

"How did you know?" Laura fidgeted in her seat, glad LaFontaine couldn't see her and thus couldn't see through the obvious lie she was about to tell. "I was hoping you and Perry might want to come over for dinner."

"Sure thing. When were you thinking?"

"Um..."

Carmilla's sobs were all too clear in her mind. 

"Tomorrow?" She bit her lip. "I know it's short-notice but I just feel kind of bad for how distant I've been lately and I think we could all probably use a break."

There was a moment of near-silence on the line but for some papers rustling. Then LaFontaine spoke again. 

"Calendar looks clear!" they crowed. 

Laura's shoulders sagged in relief. "Great." She closed her eyes and clenched her fists, hoping to gather the courage to say the next thing. "Do you think you could maybe do me a favor?"

"You make that fancy lemon popcorn from the last movie night and I will do literally anything."

She couldn't even smile. "Done."

"Yes! Okay, shoot."

"Invite Danny for me."

A pause.

"You better come through on that popcorn, L."

"Thank you."

A groan. 

"I'm telling you, though, if I go through all this and there's no popcorn I'm going to be majorly pissed."

"And you'd be completely justified."

"So, why do you want Danny there anyway? I mean, not that it's any of my business. But the last time you guys spoke you said things got way ugly. And now you're inviting her to come have dinner with you and your new girlfriend to essentially celebrate yourself?"

 _Good thing we're not going to be celebrating a promotion, then,_ she thought. But what she said was completely different.

"Well, when you put it that way, it makes me sound like a raging b- bad person."

"I just want to make sure you know that there could be lots of fallout from this. Are you positive this is what you want?"

"Yes."

"All right then. I'll let her know."

"Thank you, LaFontaine. Really."

"Hey, what are friends for?"

Laura could hear the smile in LaFontaine's voice, and that was what finally pushed her over the edge. 

"See you tomorrow," she choked out as the first tears began to fall.

"See ya."

Laura hung up and tucked her phone back in her purse. She then leaned back against her seat and tilted her head back and closed her eyes. 

She remembered her father's arms and how safe they'd made her feel, and she remembered the look in Betty's eyes in the seconds before the elevator reached the ground floor, and she remembered Carmilla's voice and the way it cracked as she swore to never let her die.

And she cried and cried and cried.

Carmilla made a tiny noise of discontent in her sleep and snuggled up close to Laura. Laura placed a hand on her head and stroked her hair slowly as she watched the darkness race by through her window, tears streaming down her face.

* * *

"Cupcake, we're here. Wake up. Time to wake up."

* * *

She didn't remember the cab ride, or entering the brownstone, or walking up the stairs, or undressing, or getting into bed.

Probably because Carmilla carried her out of the cab, through the brownstone, and up the stairs, and then undressed her and tucked her in, then unloaded their bags from the cab and into the house, all before getting undressed herself and crawling in beside her.

* * *

When they woke up, the first thing she remembered was her father.

She started crying again, and didn't stop until she felt Carmilla stirring beside her.

Carmilla, through a fog of sleep, heard Laura say something about popcorn before drifting off again, only now with less heat beside her.

* * *

"Carmilla, wake up. We're having people over."

"Whaaa..?" Carmilla rolled over and squinted in the wintry five o'clock twilight at her girlfriend, who was now fully dressed and standing up. "Whyyyy?"

"I'm telling them."

This woke Carmilla up a little more.

"Are you sure about that?"

"They deserve to know."

"You don't think–"

"You said it yourself. If no one came for me after I told you, which they didn't, they obviously aren't watching me too closely. Besides, by now your mother's henchmen know we all hang out like this pretty often anyway. It won't be suspicious. Trust me."

"I do trust you, Laura. I just–" 

"I know." She sat down on the edge of the bed. "I-"

She couldn't finish her thought. "I know," she repeated.

Carmilla nodded and sat up slowly. She reached across the bed and placed her hand on Laura's.

"I'm here," she said.

Laura began to cry again.

She'd been doing a lot of that lately.

Carmilla felt the familiar pressure behind her own eyes.

They both had.

* * *

By the time the first knock came, they were finally looking at least somewhat presentable. Laura was wearing a graphic T and jeans and had thrown her hair up in the messy bun Carmilla loved so much. Carmilla was wearing black.

That's it. That's all she was wearing.

Black t-shirt. Black leather pants.

Nothing more, nothing less.

She had no one to impress here.

Laura had called for Chinese takeout, and assumed the first knock would be the delivery boy. But when she answered the door—

"Hey."

Laura's mouth fell open slightly. "D-Danny. Hi."

"Hi."

They stood there for a minute. The awkwardness was palpable.

"Well," Laura said at last. "Come on in."

* * *

"I didn't think you would come."

Laura and Danny were in the kitchen. Danny watched Laura open a fresh box of that popcorn LaF had touted since the day they tasted it and place a bag in the microwave. 

"I didn't think I would either."

Silence, except for the hum of the microwave.

"Okay, I can't handle this."

Both Laura and Danny's heads turned towards the source of the voice. 

Carmilla was standing in the archway between the kitchen and the main hallway, looking rather peeved.

"I'm aware that I'm the reason you two aren't friends anymore. Kind of a silly reason, if you ask me. Especially since you hadn't been dating for a long time when we got together. But I digress." She walked right past Danny and grabbed a bottle of red wine from the counter, then spun around to face the redhead. "The one you're really mad at is me, am I right?"

Danny glanced at Laura, who returned her look of confusion. "I- I guess. Yeah."

With little to no effort Carmilla popped the cork off the bottle. "Then please, for the love of god, take it out on me instead of Laura."

She walked around her girlfriend to the cabinet with the glasses in it and grabbed two, filled them, and offered one to Danny with a raised eyebrow.

Danny took it meekly. Carmilla gave her a curt nod, then walked out of the kitchen into the living room, leaving Laura and Danny standing speechless in the middle of the kitchen.

The popcorn started to pop, causing Laura to actually jump in the air. 

Danny risked a chuckle. 

And then Laura was giggling.

And then they were both laughing like mad.

They both knew they had a long way to go before they could get back to where they'd been before. But they also both knew this was an important step in the right direction.

As they laughed, Laura's eyes flickered over to the archway between the living room and the kitchen. Carmilla was seated in one of the loveseats and was visible from her angle.

They made eye contact, and Laura's laughing slowed to be replaced by a deeply appreciative smile.

Carmilla's eyes twinkled as she took a sip of her wine. Laura couldn't be sure, but she thought she saw the corners of Carmilla's lips turn up behind the glass.

* * *

LaFontaine and Perry arrived shortly after that. Laura showed them into the living room, then gestured for Carmilla to follow her into the hallway.

"Close all the curtains," she whispered.

Carmilla nodded and slunk away silently. Laura returned to her friends, who were carrying on in happy discourse. LaFontaine was stuffing their mouth with popcorn, and Perry was doing her best to hide her disgust at their lax manners. Danny was trying to distract Perry from her partner with a fresh glass of wine.

"So," Laura began as she entered the room.

Immediately, the three stopped what they'd been doing and dissolved into cheers and applause.

"Congratulations!"

"You deserve it."

"Mmph mmph!" (LaFontaine hadn't quite swallowed yet.)

Laura laughed nervously. "Um, yeah. About that... whole... promotion thing. I... It's not the real reason you're here."

"It's not?" Perry questioned.

"Mmmph nmph?" echoed LaFontaine.

Danny crossed her arms and her brow furrowed in confusion. "Then why are we here?"

Carmilla entered the living room then. She crossed to the other side of the room, where the bookshelves were, and drew the curtains on the two windows there.

 

LaFontaine finally swallowed. "So you didn't get a promotion?"

"Well. No."

"Laura, dear," Perry said, with more than a hint of nerves, "what's going on?"

Carmilla came up to stand beside Laura. "Let's sit," she murmured.

Laura didn't move for a while. But at Carmilla's gentle, silent urging she at last took a seat on the left side of the couch. Carmilla sat next to her.

Everyone waited for Laura to speak.

"Listen," she finally said. "What I'm about to say will be hard for you to believe. But you need to trust me. I promise I'm telling the truth."

"Hey, L, spit it out already. You're kinda freaking us all out," LaFontaine said, reaching for another handful of popcorn just the same.

Laura let out a breath. She turned to Carmilla, who nodded slightly.

And then, she began to talk.

She told them about Betty, the strange elevator ride. The abandoned conference room floor. The file. The girls. The coverup. The threats. Everything.

She wasn't interrupted once.

When she finished speaking, there were a solid three minutes of complete silence before LaFontaine broke it. 

As usual.

"You're kidding."

"I wish I was."

"But Laura, honey," Perry spoke up, "are you sure?"

She looked nervous, but nervous in a way that seemed to suggest worry for Laura's mental state rather than for herself.

Only Danny remained completely calm, or at least some semblance of calm. "Yeah, I'm with perry on this. You're positive you didn't misconstrue any of this? In any way?"

Laura looked at Danny with an incredulous expression. "What's there to misconstrue?"

"L, it's not that we don't believe you," LaFontaine jumped in. "It's just kind of a lot to take in."

"A _lot,"_  Danny added.

Laura looked to be at a loss. She had sort of thought (naively, she realized now) that her friends would just take her word for it that their lives were in danger and jump at the chance to help her with the plan she'd formed.

Carmilla noticed this faltering and rolled her eyes. "Oh, fine," she sighed. "You want proof, then?"

"Hey, I'm a scientist first," LaFontaine said, shrugging. "Proof is what I live for."

Without another word, Carmilla rose from the couch and walked out of the living room and up the stairs. When she returned ten minutes later, she was holding a fat manila folder.

"Here's your precious proof." She tossed the folder on the coffee table. Photographs and documents spilled across the glass surface.

LaFontaine spied a familiar face amongst them. 

Or rather, two familiar faces. 

"Holy shit." They picked up one of the pictures and showed it to Perry. "Perr, this is us." 

"Give me that!" Perry snatched the photo from her partner, her voice reaching an uncomfortable falsetto.

The photograph was of the two of them on one of the early morning walks Perry always took and occasionally dragged LaFontaine along on. They were both dressed in athletic gear. Perry's unmistakable orange curls were tied back in a ponytail and tucked beneath a baseball cap. LaFontaine was holding her hand and appeared to be in the middle of explaining something, judging from the way their free hand was flung about in the air at the moment the photo was taken.

Perry looked like she was about to faint. "Oh my god," she murmured under her breath. "Oh my god!"

She thrust the photo back into LaFontaine's hands, freeing up her own to flutter anxiously about her face. "Oh my god, oh my god," she kept saying, too shocked by this incredibly disturbing breach of privacy to say much else.

Danny leaned forward and pawed through the mess of photos on the table. She cringed as she came across a particularly graphic one of a girl covered in open sores. Eventually she found one of herself too, leaving a restaurant one evening with tears in her eyes and a tight dress on her body. A date gone wrong. Captured by someone she had never met. Someone she knew nothing about. 

Someone who evidently knew quite a lot about her.

"Believe me now?" Laura said.

All three ginger heads turned to face her, and the look in their eyes told Laura that they did.

"Betty told me Lilita would have you all killed, or kidnapped, or who knows what, if I didn't cover up this." She held up a picture of another unfortunate girl in a rather horrific position. 

Perry let out a tiny shriek and buried her head in LaFontaine's shoulder. They put their arm around her and held her tightly.

"So what are you going to do?" they asked.

Laura detailed to them the plan she and Carmilla had developed to write her exposé.

"That... actually might work," Danny said.

"If you had wayyyyy more evidence, sure," LaFontaine said. "What you have now is too easy for them to deny. You need stuff straight from the source."

"I know," Laura said. "I was thinking expense records and anything personal Lilita might have written down about it."

"Laura, there's only one place where you can find that stuff."

"Yeah, the-"

"The sublevels."

Everyone looked at Carmilla, who had just spoken. She flushed a little at the attention. "The sublevels," she repeated, a little quieter this time. 

"How do _you_  know about the sublevels?" LaFontaine asked. 

"She's heard me mention them," Laura covered quickly, unsure if now was the right time to go into Carmilla's backstory. "She was the first person I told about all of this."

The others seemed to accept this explanation, and LaFontaine forged on ahead with the plotting. "You need mega-high security clearance to get down there," they said. "How are you planning to get around that?"

"You."

"Me?"

"LaF, you have access to the labs, which are already a part of the sublevels.  And you're a genius. You could probably replicate your key card and just program it for higher clearance, right?"

"I mean, theoretically, yes, but it would be hella difficult. To get it done in time I would need help. And if what you're saying is true, the only people we can trust are in this room. And no offense, but none of you have anything anywhere close to the skills needed for that."

"Not necessarily."

Carmilla again.

Laura turned to her. "You don't meant to tell me you're also a secret computer whiz, do you?"

"No, but... let's just say I know a guy. And he owes me big-time."

"But can we trust him?" 

Carmilla locked eyes with Laura. "Like you can trust me."

Laura's breath shuddered. She couldn't believe they were actually doing this.

"Okay," LaFontaine continued. "Say I, and this strange anonymous hacker friend of your girlfriend's, succeed in making a key card that can take someone down to the deepest pits of hell. The question is, who goes?"

Laura looked around at everyone. "I guess me, right?"

Danny shook her head vehemently. "No," she said, at the same time Carmilla declared, "Absolutely not."

"Well, would you look at that," Carmilla said. "Me and Xena finally agree on something. That's how you know you _shouldn't do it."_

"What? Why?"

Danny spoke up this time. "It's too dangerous, Laura. If you're right about this whole thing, they have eyes on all of us, especially you. You'd never get away with it. It would be suicide."

"They're not watching me as closely as you think. They don't even know that Carmilla exists!"

Danny's eyes widened, and Laura could practically see the gears turning in her head. 

Once again, she and Carmilla came to the same conclusion at the same time.

"I'll do it," Carmilla said.

"Now there's an idea I can get behind," Danny responded.  

 

Laura looked at Carmilla worriedly. "No way." She turned to the others. "You can't ask her to do this."

Carmilla closed her eyes and leaned her head against Laura's shoulder, but didn't say anything more.

"And why not?" Perry asked. It was the first thing she had said since the photo. She was sitting up straight now, her face twisted into that so quintessentially Perry expression, pouty lips and all.  "It would be better to keep us all out of danger."

"Except she's not safe there either," Laura snapped. She reached over and entwined her fingers with Carmilla's, giving her hand a little squeeze

"Care to elaborate?" asked Danny.

 

Laura looked at Carmilla once more, her eyes asking permission.

Carmilla nodded. It would certainly clear some things up for the rest of them. Like how she knew about the sublevels.

So, Laura gave them an abridged version of the horrific story Carmilla had told her, Elle and all.

When she'd finished, LaFontaine let out a long, low whistle. "Shit."

Carmilla just nodded again. She was worried that if she tried to speak she would start crying, and that was the last thing she wanted to do in front of Laura's friends. (Especially Xena.)

Danny was far less convinced. "Oh, yeah. This makes total sense," she said snidely. "Of course we should just blindly put our faith in the _daughter_  of the woman who's threatening all of our lives. There's no  _possible_ way she'll deliver us straight into danger. Or to her mother."

Carmilla was evidently upset by Danny's comments, but instead of shooting back a snappy retort she stayed quiet and tried even harder to hold back the tears that threatened to call with every second.

Laura saw how upset Carmilla was, and her expression darkened. "Hey!" she yelled. "I'm trying to _help_  you. You already know that I'm telling the truth about everything else. You saw the proof. If your ridiculous jealousy keeps you from accepting her help, that's your problem." 

Danny bit her lip. She hadn't meant to upset Laura. The jealousy just came over her. She never saw it coming, never knew how bad it was going to be.

And looking at Carmilla trying so hard not to cry made her instantly feel worse. (Not that she'd ever admit it.)

  
_Why are you like this?_  she admonished herself.

Carmilla spoke suddenly. She made direct eye contact with Danny as she did so. Her voice was shaky. 

"Elle is dead because of my mother," she said. "Believe me, there is nothing I'd like more than to have my mother dead too."

So much pain and hurt and betrayal all packed into one line. So much in the way the words shook and vibrated as they left her mouth. So much in her eyes, watery and cold. 

No one questioned Carmilla's loyalty after that.

* * *

After much deliberation, the gang finally came up with something resembling a plan over a delicious dinner of Chinese food. It was nowhere near concrete, and was contingent on a lot of factors that could all easily go wrong and send this little "Mission Impossible" into a tailspin. 

They hadn't decided on who would infiltrate the sublevels just yet, but Laura figured they would have a little more time to figure that out, given that it would take about two to three weeks to prepare the key card (with help from Carmilla's mysterious 'friend'). Once they'd picked a person, that person would enter the sublevels, find the information they were looking for, then bring it back to the brownstone where Laura would incorporate it into her report as the nail in the coffin for Silas Industries. Before the report was published, the entire group would flee to Canada and stay at the Hollis household for asylum. Then and only then would Laura send the report to the news. The group would stay in Canada until Lilita had been arrested and the danger had passed. Then they could all safely return to Manhattan.

There were obviously plenty of things they still didn't know that they had to figure out before executing the plan. Like who would be doing it, obviously. But also when. And how would they know how to get around down there? None of them save LaFontaine had ever been below the ground floor, and none of them at all had ever been below the labs. Laura was racking her brain, trying to figure out how whoever went down there would be able to find their way to the information she needed.

Right now what they really needed was a map.

But these were all things that could be worried about at a later date. It was late now, and the others soon left the brownstone. Laura had warned them to act as natural as possible on the way home, because as soon as they let on that they knew that they were being watched there was a very good chance they could be killed.

At last, Laura and Carmilla were alone again.

"So," Laura said.

They were sitting on the couch, where they had been all evening. Carmilla was leaning back against Laura, slumping down so her head fit in the hollow between Laura's collarbones. Laura's arms were held loosely around Carmilla's waist. She dragged her fingertips lazily across the fabric of Carmilla's shirt.

"Mm," Carmilla replied.

"I think that went well."

Carmilla shifted, then sat up slowly. A small pout crossed Laura's lips for a second as she wondered what she'd said wrong. She reached for Carmilla, beckoning her to return with outstretched fingers, but Carmilla just shook her head.

"Sweetheart, I'm feeling really drained right now. I just want to go to bed."

Laura frowned and sat up with her, then took her hand and rubbed the knuckles gently with her thumb. "Of course. I'm sorry."

"Not your fault, cupcake. Entirely not your fault."

Together they rose, and together they walked out of the living room and back upstairs. At the top of the stairs Laura stopped Carmilla for a second. She leaned up and kissed her softly, gently.

When they broke apart Carmilla was looking at her with sad, dark eyes.

Had they been open the whole time?

* * *

Minutes later, though it felt like hours, Carmilla and Laura were curled up together in their bed, trying to fall asleep. They laid back-to-back, spines touching. Laura was too thrilled by their plan to sleep easily. Carmilla was plagued by all sorts of awful imaginings of the terrible things that could befall Laura if she were caught. She was afraid of them following her into her dreams. So despite her exhaustion she tried her best to stay awake.

"Carm?"

Carmilla didn't answer right away. "Mhm?"

"What's wrong?"

She didn't have to ask "Is something wrong?" She just knew. She always knew. 

Carmilla rolled over at the same time that Laura did, so they could face each other. Laura noticed a glimmering wetness in Carmilla's sad eyes.

"I don't want to lose you too," she whispered.

Laura had never understood Carmilla more than she did at this precise second, so late at night.

She gave her girlfriend a soft smile and kissed her on the cheek. "I'm not going anywhere. I promise."

It wasn't much. People always promise things, and can't deliver.

But it was enough to ease Carmilla into a dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's title came from "Only If For A Night" by Florence + the Machine.
> 
> UGH.
> 
> SCHOOL.
> 
> Naturally it's at the end of the year when the most work gets forced into the least amount of time. -.-
> 
> But lucky for you all- I wrote so damn much (instead of doing my research paper, and purely out of spite) that there's probably going to be another update next week! Yay!


	16. say my name and every color illuminates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, it's been a while! But this chapter is *twice as long* as my usual updates, so I hope that makes up for it.  
> Every Christmas landmark Laura and Carmilla visit in this chapter is real! Feel free to look them up, especially the Saks lights. The ones they watch are the ones from December 2015. I tried my best to describe it, but it's probably easier if you just watch yourself. Also, if you're ever lucky enough to visit NYC during the holidays, hit these places up!

 

 

Back to work.

Laura interviewed and interviewed and wrote and wrote. She used the evidence provided by Betty and the testimonies to compile a comprehensive report on the many misdeeds of Silas Industries. However, at work she actually had to work on a cover story so as to not arouse suspicion, so she did all the aforementioned interviewing and writing after work. As a result, she was exhausted. 

Carmilla did her best to lighten the load. She was the one who contacted all the victims and set up the meetings, each in a new secure location to ensure the protection of both parties. She also started doing all the chores and even attempted to cook a few times. She wasn't half bad, but often times Laura lacked the patience to wait for her to cook. So Carmilla eventually gave in and just found new restaurants to get take-out from most nights instead. She also managed, with the help of Google and phone books Laura hadn't yet thrown away, to find the guy she had promised would help LaFontaine: J.P. Armitage.

Columbia graduate with a major in computer science. Total genius. Enormous asshole who owed her, big time.

It only took a little convincing on her part, and it mostly consisted of her promising she would return his leather vest and not break both his arms if he would do it. But they both knew the threats were empty. Maybe a month or two ago, she would have broken all his bones, easily. But now... She didn't have the same bloodlust anymore.

Relations with her friends having been more or less repaired, Laura insisted that the weekly movie nights persist, but she often found herself less engrossed in the feature films and itching to get back to her report. Nearly every night, Carmilla found her asleep in some awkward position with her hands still on the keys of her laptop.

Needless to say, Carmilla gave lots of massages over the course of the next few days.

However, when December 1 arrived, everything changed.

* * *

Carmilla was asleep in bed when she was awoken by a whisper of "Carm."

She groaned and didn't open her eyes. 

"Carm," came the whisper again, louder this time.

Her eyes fluttered open at last, and the sight that greeted her alarmed her so much she let out a startled shout. 

Laura was looming over her on all fours, her face only about an inch away from Carmilla's own. Her eyes were wide and glittering.

"What the frilly hell is this?" Carmilla rasped, her voice smoky with sleep.

Laura leaned even closer, pretty much ignoring her girlfriend's averse reaction to her excitement. "Carmilla."

"Yes?"

"Do you know what day it is?"

Carmilla blinked groggily and yawned. "Monday."

"Not just any Monday."

When Carmilla looked at her blankly, Laura squealed, "IT'S DECEMBER!"

"Oh no," Carmilla moaned, rolling over. 

"IT'S PRACTICALLY CHRISTMAS!"

"We are about three weeks away from Christmas."

"I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS ALL YEAR." Laura was all but jumping on the bed. "THIS IS MY FAVORITE MONTH EVER!"

"And this is my favorite time for sleeping ever." Carmilla looked at the clock, and her heart sank. "Laura, are you aware of what time it is?"

"Christmas time."

"Two AM."

Laura frowned. "Stop being such a grinch."

"Don't you have work today?"

"I'm taking the day off."

Carmilla raises an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Yes. Christmas is worth it." 

"Okay. As much as I love the idea of having you all to myself for one whole day, aren't you exhausted?"

Laura paused, then yawned. 

Carmilla smiled and pulled Laura down next to her. "I thought so."

Laura snuggled into her. "Carm?"

"Yes, cupcake?"

"When we wake up..."

"Yes?"

"Christmas."

Carmilla chuckled and planted a kiss in her hair as she closed her eyes. "Okay, darling. Okay."

* * *

Indeed, when they did wake, Laura was refreshed and bouncy as ever. 

"I have the whole day planned," she said over breakfast, the words tumbling out over each other in a race to get out. "Or at least, generally outlined."

Carmilla smiled as she set a mug of cocoa with whipped cream and cinnamon in front of Laura. Just the way she liked it. "Yeah? What's first?"

Laura smiled back. "This." She stood up and kissed Carmilla deeply, distracting her enough so that she didn't notice Laura's finger snaking backwards and swiping some whipped cream off the mug. 

Laura abruptly pulled away from Carmilla and dabbed the whipped cream on her nose.

Carmilla stood there for a second, too surprised to react.

Then she lunged for Laura, laughing and wiping the whipped cream off her nose with the back of her hand. Laura giggled and leaped backwards, running off through the archway.

Carmilla chased Laura around the first floor for a bit until she finally cornered her against the couch, forcing her to fall backwards onto it. 

Carmilla climbed onto the couch, straddling her girlfriend with a victorious glint in her eyes. Laura squealed as Carmilla wiped the cream off her hand and onto Laura's cheek. "There," she declared. "A taste of your own medicine." Her hand fell away to her side. 

The two of them became acutely aware of their current position. Both of their faces were flushed from the thrill of the chase. Their chests rose and fell with rapid breath. 

Laura's laughing slowed, and her pupils dilated.

This was all Carmilla needed. 

She lowered herself onto Laura's chest and took Laura's face in her hands before pressing her lips against Laura's. 

The kiss deepened, and Carmilla's lust grew. She began to move down, trailing kisses across Laura's chin and neck.

When she reached Laura's collarbone, Laura let out a very vocal moan and shivered. Confidence inflated, Carmilla planted kisses up and down Laura's collarbone before heading down again.

"C-Carm."

"Mmmmm," Carmilla mumbled against Laura's skin.

"We- OH."

Laura quickly inched her body out from underneath Carmilla's, face redder than an apple. "Later," she gasped through panting breaths.

Carmilla groaned and flopped back on the couch, thinking about the underwear she'd just ruined for apparently nothing. "Seriously?"

"We have things to do!" Laura sprung off the couch and took Carmilla's hands, looking at her cajolingly. It never ceased to amaze Carmilla how quickly Laura could switch from sex mode to innocent child mode. "Come on. I know you'll have fun."

Carmilla sighed and stood up. "Fine. But I'm not a big fan of of holidays, just so you know."

Laura looked at her in wide-eyed shock. "Not even Christmas?"

"Especially not Christmas."

"But why?" They walked into the kitchen together and Laura took a sip of her abandoned cocoa, waiting for Carmilla to respond. It was still warm.

Carmilla shrugged. "Just never had a particularly great experience with it. It's all commercial, a ploy by big business to encourage consumerism and capitalism. It only enforces the materialistic way that so many people seem to view as the right way to live. 'Getting and spending', as Wordsworth said. I don't buy into it. There's more to life than accumulating items."

Laura blinked up at her. "I know."

"You... What?"

"I know," Laura repeated. "But that's not what Christmas is about."

Carmilla cocked her head. "Oh no?"

"No. And I'm going to prove it to you." She swallowed the last of the cocoa and grinned, then stood on her tiptoes to give Carmilla a quick peck on the lips before dashing off to their room. "Make sure to grab a jacket," she called. "It's cold out."

* * *

"First things first," Laura said. Her breath came out as clouds in the frigid air. The two of them were walking down the sidewalk to the subway station, noses and cheeks rosy from the cold. Since their first date Carmilla had almost completely swayed Laura to the subway side of their transportation feud and had taught her the ways of the trains, but she still took cabs every one in a while. Every step Laura took was more of a skip. She was filled with the joy and excitement the holiday season brings (to some, anyway), and the fluffy red pompom on her fuzzy white hat bounced along with her. "What Christmassy things have you done already?" 

Carmilla thought long and hard about this question, shoving her bare hands into the pockets of her jacket for warmth. Laura had lent her a knitted grey beanie that currently sat over her mass of black curls and reached down just enough to cover her ears, so that provided at least marginal protection against the elements. Plus, she liked how it looked.

A memory returned to her.

_She is young, small. She can see nothing but knees and the bottoms of coats. It is crowded and loud and she is scared. She clings to someone's hand and tugs on it frantically._

_"What is it, Carmilla?"_

_"Up!"_

_No sharp rebuttal. No annoyed snapping. Just strong arms lifting her up high, settling her legs around a neck, small thighs resting on broad shoulders. Hands holding tight to her feet to keep her from falling._

_She can see everything now. She's far above the sea of hat-clad heads of shoppers and tourists alike flooding the streets._

_A tree, to her right. Bigger than any other tree she's ever seen. Completely draped in lights, an enormous twinkling star on the tallest boughs._

_The shoulders she is sitting on turn to face a large building across the street. A timer is projected on the side, counting down in numbers she can't yet comprehend. And they're just about to hit zero..._

_A loud chime of music starts playing. The side of the building lights up entirely in a glorious display. Her eyes open wide, and she lets out a tiny gasp. A chuckle comes from somewhere below her, shaking the shoulders she sits on._

_It's the most beautiful thing she's ever seen._

"Um, I've seen the tree, but not up-close. And some windows, I think."

"Some windows, or Saks windows?"

Carmilla shrugged.

"Okay then," Laura said. She pulled out her phone from her purse and pulled off one of her gloves with her teeth.

"What are you doing?"

"Adding the Saks windows to our list. Along with the ones at Macy's, Lord and Taylor, and Bergdorf Goodman. But first, we have an appointment to keep."

Carmilla looked at her with confusion.

"You'll see," was all Laura replied with a mischievous smile. 

* * *

"Laaaaaaaura," Carmilla complained as Laura dragged her through the ever-thickening crowd of people. "Where are we gooooooing?"

"Like I told you the last thirty times," Laura giggled, "you'll see! Just be patient. We're almost there."

"We better be," Carmilla grumbled. "If it gets any more crowded we won't be able to move."

"Trust me. We're close."

Carmilla had a sneaking suspicion of where Laura was taking her. Moments before they had passed the neon lights of Radio City Music Hall and the huge sculpture of a pyramid of red christmas ornaments across the street that Laura had insisted on taking a selfie in front of, and the buildings only got brassier and shinier from there. They must have been nearing–

"Rockefeller Center!" Laura announced as they burst through the crowd with a final push. 

Carmilla's eyes widened. She hadn't been here around Christmastime since she was young. It had always been a very sterile affair in the Karnstein household, especially after her father died. Her mother was never big on the holiday season and often spent most of it pulling late nights at the office. As a result, December had been just another month for Carmilla. She went to school and came straight home, preferring to skip the sights of happy couples and families full of holiday spirit and cheer that reminded her of what she could never have.

So she hadn't seen this spectacular sight for years.

There, looming over a crowd of spectators, stood the most enormous tree Carmilla had ever laid her eyes on in recent memory, topped with a dull white star. It was not yet lit, but its grandeur wasn't any lesser for this. 

"They're going to light it in a few days, so we can come back then, but it's still pretty impressive, huh?" Laura nudged Carmilla's arm, grinning at the look of awe on Carmilla's face.

When she could collect her thoughts enough to speak, Carmilla turned to Laura. "You mean to tell me all these people are here to see an unlit tree?"

Laura burst out laughing, and Carmilla smiled at the sound. "Not just the tree. Look." She turned and pointed at the building behind them. Carmilla turned with her to follow her finger. 

On the side of the large, ornate building across the street was an analog clock, lit up in light and dark blue LEDs, with only a single hand making its way around the circle and no numbers. Most of the clock was filled in with dark blue, indicating that the countdown was almost over.

The hand hit the place where midnight would strike, if there were numbers, and then the lights went out.

Carmilla looked at Laura, perplexed, but Laura took her hand and said, "Just watch."

So Carmilla did just that: she watched.

Suddenly, loud music began to play from concealed speakers and large shapes resembling snowflakes lit up in light blue LEDs in time to it. Carmilla instantly recognized the tune as Carol of the Bells, sung by a harmonious choir.

Lights of different colors, purple and pink and gold and blue, danced across the building, forming the spires of a castle, then snowflakes, then a whole castle, then more snowflakes, then icicles hanging down, all to the time of the music. Over and over and over again.

Carmilla was mesmerized by the sight. Laura's chest ached as she watched the reflections of the lights in Carmilla's amazed eyes, watched her lips part slightly in awe. Her expression was so childlike in its purity that it almost brought tears to Laura's eyes.

Finally, the spectacle finished with the entire side of the building lighting up completely to the last final notes of the choir. The lights remained up for a few moments after the song ended before fizzling out and being replaced by the clock once more.

The crowd around them broke out in applause. Carmilla just stood there, floored.

Laura squeezed her hand and planted a kiss on her cheek, bringing her back. "I'd say that was a hit," she joked.

Carmilla turned to her and said nothing, but that look of incredulity still fresh in her eyes said it all. 

Laura smiled softly and tugged on her hand. "Come on. I told you before, we have an appointment to keep."

She dragged the still-struck Carmilla through the crowd in the opposite direction of the light display, towards Rockefeller Center. A set of stairs led downwards to a platform which in turn split into two separate sets of stairs, both leading into the pit where the ice-skating rink was. It was already full of people. Couples took a break from all the sliding to kiss in the center of the ice. Parents held their children's hands as they glided gracefully around. Some youths who had decided to go it alone couldn't find their balance and toppled down, only to get right back up and try again. There was the occasional figure skater who put the rest of the skaters to shame with their twirls and leaps.

The main stairs had been split down the center by a velvet rope, separating a spectacularly long line from a far shorter one. Laura managed to work her way through the crowd to the stairs, and once she got there she rummaged through her purse with one hand and pulled out a white envelope.

"What's that?" Carmilla asked, the first words she'd uttered since the incredible light show.

Instead of answering, Laura stepped forward and handed the envelope to the security guard blocking off the entrance to the shorter line. He opened it, rifled through it, and handed it back to Laura before stepping aside with a nod.

"Did you just bribe a member of law enforcement?" Carmilla asked as Laura led her down the stairs.

"No, silly. I'm not you." 

"I was about to say," Carmilla laughed, "I must have been a bad influence on you."

Laura giggled. "Well, no cash in here," she said, brandishing the envelope. "Just tickets."

"Tickets for wha—" Carmilla began, but all the pieces clicked into place when she saw the sign hanging over the desk they were approaching.

Skate Rental.

"Oh," she said. "No. No no, no."

"What?" Laura questioned, stepping up to the desk. She took the tickets out of the envelope and handed them to the lady sitting behind it.

"Cupcake, I don't skate."

Laura giggled again. "Carm, come on."

"Seriously, sweetheart. Never skated a day in my life."

Laura's eyes widened, but instead of frowning and saying she understood and they could leave like Carmilla had expected, her smile grew to a full-on grin. "Good thing you have the best teacher. So what's your size?"

Carmilla sighed resignedly, knowing there was nothing she could say to get out of this. "8."

Laura puffed up with triumph and relayed this information to the woman behind the desk, along with her own shoe size. The woman returned promptly with two pairs of skates, and they moved off to a bench on the side to put them on. 

Carmilla was able to navigate the laces with ease and got hers on first. Before Laura could stop her she tried to stand, only to find that it was far harder to balance on the skinny blades than she'd anticipated. She wobbled and nearly fell. But Laura was at her side in an instant, hands on her shoulders to steady her, a cheeky grin on her face. 

Carmilla frowned. "Let's just get this over with."

Laura took her arm. "I promise you'll love it."

She scoffed. "Voluntary hydroplaning isn't exactly my idea of a good time, pumpkin."

"I'm pretty sure to hydroplane you have to be in a car."

"Skidding dangerously over water sounds a lot like hydroplaning to me."

Carmilla allowed herself to be tugged over to the queue before the rink's entrance anyway. She was secretly thrilled. What if she turned out to be a natural? Maybe she'd missed her calling this whole time.

* * *

Carmilla was not a natural.

While Laura got on the ice with little issue, Carmilla had tried to place a skate on the slippery surface and almost went down right there and then. Laura had to hold her arms and help her into the rink. After she let go, Carmilla had managed to stay up on her own for a grand total of six seconds before wiping out.

It had been glorious, really. She'd waved her arms frantically as she went down in a futile effort to restore balance with the most comically surprised expression Laura had ever seen. She landed right on her bottom and splayed out on the ice like a starfish. She had tried to get up, but slipped and fell right back down each time.

Laura was too overcome by laughter to be any help. The whole thing was far too perfect to have been real life. It almost felt staged in its hilarity. There was also a small element of satisfaction embedded in this for Laura to see Carmilla, the most graceful person she knew, be so freaking clumsy at something.

Eventually Carmilla gave up all attempts to stand and simply glowered at Laura, who was red in the face from laughing. The look only added to the comedic gold that was this moment, and it set Laura into another fit of giggles. But these were manageable, and Laura managed to skate over to Carmilla and take her hands to help her back to her feet.

After that, Carmilla had muttered some choice words about Laura's treatment of her, to which Laura responded with a threat to let go of her again. Carmilla frowned but clung to her tightly. They had skated around like that for a while longer, making about two rounds of the rink before Laura managed to detach Carmilla enough so they were just linking arms, then just holding hands. Carmilla barely noticed. She had to admit, she was enjoying herself. Skating wasn't so bad as long as you were upright. She relished the warmth of Laura's arm against hers and Laura's hand in hers, and she enjoyed the contrast of the crisp winter air whipping past her face as they glided around and around.

But then, Laura slid to a stop, and the other shoe dropped.

"Carm, I'm gonna let go now, all right?"

A flash of panic crossed Carmilla's face, and she immediately squeezed Laura's hand in a vice grip. "Nononono."

"You can do this."

"Nonononononono."

"You've basically been doing it on your own for the past fifteen minutes. I'll be right here. Just try to copy what I do." Laura gave her a gentle smile, and it distracted Carmilla enough that her grip loosened just enough for Laura to pull her hand out. 

"Laura, don't!" Carmilla reached for Laura's hand again, but Laura skated about four feet backwards and out of her reach, causing Carmilla to lean forward dangerously with nothing left to support her. 

Panic set in. Her heart began to pound and her blood roared in her ears as she stuck her arms out to the sides, waving them around in that same frenzied way in a desperate attempt to regain her balance. Skaters whizzed by her on all sides. _Too fast too fast too fast._  She shut her eyes for a second and took some deep breaths to try to calm down.

Laura watched her. She was certain Carmilla would figure it out, but was ready to swoop back in at a moment's notice if she couldn't.

A few moments passed before Carmilla realized that she had not yet fallen and was, in fact, standing, albeit shakily. She opened her eyes, let out a breath and allowed herself to smile. 

Laura put a hand over her mouth to hide a giggle. Carmilla looked like a baby deer with her wobbling legs and wide eyes.

Slowly Carmilla raised herself to a completely upright position. Her feet didn't like that, and she was forced to quickly bend over again to keep from falling. This happened a few more times, but eventually she was able to stand.

Laura squealed loudly and clapped her gloved hands together. It took Carmilla by surprise and she almost fell again, but she managed to stay up and gave Laura a trembling thumbs-up.

"Great job, Carm!" Laura cheered. "Now, skate to me."

Carmilla bit her lip and looked around at the skaters passing her. She studied how their feet turned out slightly, how they pushed the blades against the ice to propel themselves forward.

She tried to mimic it herself, starting with her right foot, and was completely stunned when she found herself moving.

She immediately followed it up with the left foot, then repeated the process. And just like that, she was skating.

Carmilla grinned and let out a triumphant laugh as she skated right towards her girlfriend. 

Unfortunately, she didn't know how to stop.

She ended up plowing right into Laura, and would have knocked her down were it not for her close proximity to the wall of the rink. Instead they just ended up pressed together, Laura's legs and hips up against the short wall.

Carmilla's eyes were brighter than Laura had ever seen them. "I did it," she said.

Laura's smile was so huge it was a wonder her lips weren't splitting apart. "You did it."

They looked at each other. Carmilla was breathing hard, and the clouds from each huff floated up and obscured Laura's face for a split second before dissipating in the air.

Then, Carmilla took Laura's hand. "Come on," she said, and pulled Laura away from the wall. 

"You don't have to hold my hand anymore, Carm," Laura laughed as they moved back into the stream of people skating around the rink. 

Carmilla shrugged. "I know."

* * *

They had skated until their session ended. Laura had paused at one point to take a picture for a couple in front of the incredible statue of Prometheus at the base of the tree. It was one of the grandest statues Carmilla had ever seen, and was even more imposing with its gold coating. It was suspended over a fountain and lit through lights both inside the fountain and along the sides. 

After Laura had gotten a picture to satisfy the couple, they offered to take one of her and Carmilla. So they skated to the same place, right in front of the fountain. When the woman told them to smile, Carmilla instead chose to spin Laura towards her and kiss her right on the lips at the exact moment the photo was snapped.

The woman had let out an impressive scream, which caused Carmilla and Laura to break the kiss, fearing the worst. But they needn't have worried: the woman skated up to them and apologized, explaining she had just been caught off-guard by the "adorableness," and begged to know how on earth Carmilla had timed it so perfectly.

Carmilla had shrugged and given Laura those "heart-eyes" Laura was still getting used to seeing. "Maybe our relationship is just one big romantic comedy."

Laura was still thinking about that, even now on the subway an hour later. She looked up at Carmilla, holding on to an overhead railing with one hand and holding Laura close around the waist with the other, and smiled. It really did feel that way sometimes, and especially today. All that they'd done so far had truly been reminiscent of a movie montage.

They were on their way to another Christmas destination that Laura had not elected to reveal to Carmilla. Carmilla's face was redder than Laura had ever seen it, and a thin sheen of sweat was breaking out on her forehead. Laura couldn't blame her. She was sure she looked the same. The car was packed with people, tourists and natives alike, all clad in warm winter gear. It honestly felt like the inside of an oven.

"So," Laura said softly, and Carmilla looked down at her. "What did you think about the Saks windows?"

A faraway look entered Carmilla's eyes as she recalled the windows lit in blue, the mannequins draped in glittering crystals and shining pearls, the regal displays of excess and grandeur like nothing she had ever seen. 

"It was magical," she breathed, and Laura's heart swelled with love. She pressed closer against Carmilla and buried her head in her neck. Her desire to be near Carmilla trumped the stifling heat she would have to endure once there.

Carmilla groaned and pushed her away gently, as much as the crowded car would allow. "Cupcake, it's too hot for this."

Laura blew a strand of hair off her forehead in frustration. "Fine."

Carmilla smiled devilishly and planted a quick kiss on the tip of Laura's nose. "Sorry, but your love just isn't worth dying from heatstroke over."

Laura giggled. "Why, Carmilla! I thought we had something special."

Carmilla laughed and kissed her again, this time on the forehead. "I'm kidding, darling." Her voice lowered, grew more serious. "You know I would die for you."

Almost as soon as the words left her mouth she wished she could take them back, but it was too late.

Laura's expression melted into one of confusion and... sadness? Anger? Carmilla couldn't place it. She was speechless, staring up at Carmilla with wide eyes and a quivering lower lip.

Disbelief. That's what it was.

Well, it didn't particularly matter. All Carmilla really knew was how much she regretted saying it. Their relationship wasn't... it had never gotten this heavy quite yet, she knew, even with everything. This serious.

God, she always did this. She always loved too deeply, gave too much of herself to one person. She'd done it with Elle. She was doing it with Laura. And she knew how stifling it could be, and how it could push the other away, and how much pressure it could put on a relationship, and-

"Laura," she whispered, willing her to say something, anything. But Laura remained quiet. "Laura, I'm sorry- I didn't- I didn't think, I-"

The train pulled into the station. The automated voice announced that they had arrived at "42nd St.- Bryant Park/Fifth Avenue." The doors slid open with a hiss, and people began to stream out.

"This is us," Laura finally said, and started moving towards the doors. Carmilla followed with a heavy heart. This was why she didn't open up. It always ruined things.

Carmilla watched Laura from behind, watched the motion of her body and how the pompom on her hat bounced with the honey hair beneath it, and felt so full of love and sadness she thought she might burst. 

God, she was a ruiner. A destroyer. Everything she touched eventually dissolved in front of her and god, _god_ , she couldn't let it happen to them, she couldn't let it happen to _Laura_.

They started to climb the stairs out of the station and onto street level. The soft winter sun cut through the relative darkness of the subway steps. Laura was black against the light, nothing but a beautiful swaying silhouette above her.

She thought she might have understood Laura's mother, or at least her fear. Just for a second.

_What if I ruin her?_

"Carm?"

Carmilla blinked. "Huh?"

She had been so lost in her own self-loathing that she had barely registered anything other than Laura, and was confused to find that they were now at Bryant Park. Laura was looking at her, quite concerned.

"You okay?" she asked. "You were kinda lost, there."

All of Carmilla's emotions came back in one awful wave and she hardened herself because that was the only way she knew how to make it hurt less.

"I'm fine." 

Laura didn't respond to that and instead walked over to a nearby bench. Carmilla followed her and sat down, leaving a good foot of space between them.

A pigeon strutted towards them, analyzing the situation for food. Finding none, it strutted away. Carmilla followed it with her eyes.

"Carmilla," Laura said softly.

"I shouldn't have said it," Carmilla blurted.

Laura was silent.

"I know it was unfair, okay? I know. It was too much and I'm sorry. I regret saying it."

"You do." Laura's voice was cold.

Carmilla couldn't look at her. "Yes. Now can we please move on?"

She could hear Laura taking a deep breath beside her and braced herself for the worst.

"I love you, Carmilla. Okay? I love you so much and you know that. I know you know that. So don't go saying these kinds of things when you know how much I _love you_." Her voice grew shrill with emotion. "Don't talk about dying, okay?" Her voice cracked on the word "dying."  "Especially not 'for me.' Do you honestly think that's _funny?_  Don't _joke_  about things like that!" She was on the verge of tears.

It felt like something was clawing at Carmilla's insides with razor blades. "I wasn't joking," she said softly.

Laura's breath caught. "What?"

"I wasn't joking, Laura." Carmilla dared to look at her, just this once. "If it ever came down to it, I would die for you."

Shit. _Shit_. She had an opportunity to pass it off as a joke and get away with it and keep things light and easy. But for some reason she couldn't help but self-sabotage. Every damn time.

Laura could no longer see Carmilla clearly through the tears. "Carmilla," she whispered. 

It was too late now. She had to commit to her words. "I love you. Probably too much," Carmilla choked out, and tried to smile.

Laura stared down at the sidewalk and its black gum stains. A tear rolled down her cheek. "I know. That's not the problem." She took a shuddering breath. "I just... Do you really think I would want that? Do you really think I would even want to live without you? Carmilla..." She let out a single sob, but bit it back quickly to finish. "I can't handle another person I love leaving me, okay?"

_Fuck_.

No wonder.

Laura didn't care about Carmilla getting too serious too soon. She wasn't freaked out by the magnitude of Carmilla's love for her. No, it was another issue entirely. She didn't want to lose Carmilla.

God, how stupid could she be? It was possibly the most obvious reason for Laura's reaction.

Her mother. Of course. Jesus _Christ_ , she was dense.

Laura was crying on the bench beside her and Carmilla knew she wasn't really thinking about her anymore; she was thinking about her mother.

"Laura, god, Laura, I'm so sorry I said it. I- Can we just forget about it? Please?"

Laura's head raised to look at her, and thank every possible god, she smiled, though it was precarious and watery. "I'm overreacting, aren't I?"

"No, no no no, of course not." Carmilla scooted down the bench to close the gap between them. "I wasn't thinking. I just... Love means something to me. It... It's important. When it's real. You know?"

Talking is hard, especially about feelings. Carmilla was not used to this, as she felt was demonstrated by this entire mess. She'd used up most of her communication skills telling Laura about her father and Elle. Luckily, Laura nodded and appeared to understand. 

"I know." She leaned her head on Carmilla's shoulder, and Carmilla could feel all the anxiety and stress leaving her body. "Just don't die." She paused. "Especially not for me. I'd never forgive myself."

Carmilla reached for Laura's hand and interlocked their fingers. "Okay."

"Good."

They sat on the park bench watching pedestrians stroll by as they both calmed down.

Laura took a shaky breath and smiled up at Carmilla. "So, you ready for the next stop on our Christmas train?"

Carmilla kissed the top of Laura's head and nodded. "Lead the way."

"Well, I guess you didn't notice, but we're kinda already here."

Carmilla turned around. Her eyebrows furrowed as she took in the sight that lay before her. 

Bryant Park was filled with seemingly hundreds of small green booths with wide frosted windows (but in actuality probably only a hundred or so) lit up from within with a warm glow. Most were enclosed only on three sides, allowing for free movement within. Vendors selling all kinds of trinkets sat inside. Shoppers moved in and out of the booths in search of the perfect stocking stuffer. In the center of it all she could see the top of a tall faux christmas tree adorned with large red and blue baubles.

She turned back to Laura. "Um, how did I miss this?"

Laura laughed and stood up, pulling Carmilla up with her. "Welcome to the Holiday Market. Or, if you prefer its corporate name, the Bank of America Winter Village."

"If you think I'm going to spend my hard-earned money on this cheap consumerist ploy, you are vastly mistaken," Carmilla scoffed.

Laura laughed again and tugged her towards one of the entrances to the park. "Come on, Karl Marx."

"Hey, being disgusted the gross overconsumption that plagues this country does not a communist make," Carmilla protested as they entered the flow of shoppers in the tiny aisles between booths. It was a tight squeeze, and the crowd simply didn't permit them to walk side by side, so Carmilla followed behind Laura. She still held her hand and stayed as close to her as she could.

"Well, most of the stuff here is pretty overpriced, I'll give you that," Laura acquiesced, "but there's always at least a couple vendors that have reasonable prices or are at least willing to haggle. Plus, you can find some cool things here if you really look." She inhaled the sweet scents of hot chocolate and mulled cider floating in the air. "And the food is incredible."

"Ah, food. The way to any woman's heart," Carmilla murmured, moving up closer behind Laura to nuzzle her ear with her cold nose. Laura giggled at the tickle of it before letting out an excited squeal. 

"What? What is it? Did you see a dog in reindeer antlers again?" Carmilla sighed as Laura began to pull her at top speed through the crowd toward some other unknown destination. But it all became clear as one scent in particular became clear: Chocolate.

Laura led Carmilla into a larger stall, made up of four of the smaller ones with open walls connecting them. It belonged to a chocolate-maker who was offering free samples of chocolate and not-free cups of hot cocoa to entice shoppers. Laura dropped Carmilla's hand and skipped over to one of the workers wandering about with a sample tray and retrieved two, then returned to Carmilla. "Close your eyes and open your mouth," she ordered.

Carmilla smirked but obliged, leaning forwards to Laura. Laura placed a piece of chocolate on Carmilla's tongue and popped the other piece in her mouth. 

Carmilla chewed for a moment. The smooth taste of the chocolate spread across her tongue, but it was accompanied by a strange, salty-sweet flavor that was oddly familiar...

She wrinkled her nose and furrowed her brow, eyes widening in pure confusion. "Is this... Bacon?"

Laura burst out laughing at the expression on her face. "Do you like it?"

Carmilla smacked her lips together thoughtfully as the taste of bacon chased the chocolate down her throat. "Well, I don't /hate/ it, but, ah, it sure is an... experience."

Laura giggled and turned to examine a prepackaged box of chocolates on one of the stall's shelves. "Yeah. It eventually grows on you, though."

Carmilla shrugged. "If you say so." She walked up beside Laura and wrapped an arm around her waist. "What're you looking for?"

"Something for Perry. She loves chocolate."

"Wait, I thought you were going to get her bath salts."

"I am. But I figured she deserves something extra, considering everything she did for us when you were sick."

Carmilla frowned and leaned her head on Laura's. "Yeah, but didn't you already get her that bottle of wine?"

"Carmilla. She mopped up your _blood_."

Carmilla chuckled. "Come on, cupcake, it's not _that_  big of a deal. She probably has to do that to herself once a month. We all do."

"First of all, you're disgusting. Second of all—"

"Menstruation is not disgusting, Laura. It's a natural process."

"Carm, I'm all for socially normalizing periods, but when it comes to wallowing around in pain while the dissolved lining of one of my _organs_  leaks out of my netherparts, the last thing I'm thinking about is how natural it is."

She huffed, pouted, nuzzled Laura's head. "Well when you put it like that—"

Laura glanced up at her girlfriend with shining eyes that completely erased any will to fight in Carmilla. "Anyway, as I was saying, Perry's also a huge germaphobe, so for her to do that for us was a pretty big deal. I just think it would be nice to get her something extra."

Carmilla looked at Laura, then at the shelf of chocolates. She sighed. "I'm going to take a wild guess and say no to the bacon chocolate for Betty Crocker, then."

Laura smiled and kissed her on the cheek. "See? You're great at this." And under her breath, "For a grinch."

"What?"

"Nothing."

* * *

Despite the fact that she was literally salivating at the scent, Carmilla's girlfriend refused to give in and buy herself a hot chocolate at that stall, claiming she was saving herself for a much better vendor in the food section. So they left after Laura paid for Perry's chocolates, which were labeled as a "festive assortment."  Carmilla still wasn't entirely sure what that meant but she thought it probably included gratuitous amounts of peppermint.

They continued to wander and browse. Laura bought a necklace with a live tiny cactus inside a plastic case as a pendant for LaFontaine in a particularly nature-themed booth. Carmilla still had lots of fake blood pills leftover from that awful Halloween back at the brownstone and planned on using that as her gift for them. LaFontaine was the only one of Laura's friends she'd even considered getting a gift for, but after remembering the blood pills she decided she was all set on that front and didn't need to purchase anything.

However, when they entered a stall covered with canvas pouches and purses printed with hilarious sayings, she spotted one that she knew she couldn't leave without buying, knowing it would be perfect for a certain tall ginger, and shelled out the twelve dollars for it. Laura had raised an eyebrow upon seeing the purchase, but she had to admit it was very fitting given the relationship Danny had with Carmilla.

Laura also did end up getting those bath salts for Perry, but not before the saleswoman convinced her and Carmilla to participate in a complimentary test of their sugar scrubs.

"My hands have literally never been this soft," Laura gushed as they left the stall with another shopping bag in hand. 

"Or this scented," Carmilla countered, extending her newly perfumed hand as far away from her face as she could get it in the crowd.

"Oh, stop. You enjoyed it and there's no way you can deny it."

Carmilla rolled her eyes and was about to respond with something snappy when Laura's phone rang.

"Expecting a call?" she said instead.

"Oh, no, that's just my timer." A mischievous glint shimmered in Laura's eyes. "Now we move into the next phase of this Christmas landmark."

Carmilla regarded Laura and her up-to-something eyes with caution. "And that would be...?"

"Ten dollars. Twenty minutes. We have to get something for each other."

Carmilla balked. "Ten dollars?"

"You heard me."

"You can't get anything good here for _twenty_  dollars."

"That's part of the fun!" Laura rifled around in her purse. "Do you have cash?"

"Yeah, but Laura—"

She pulled out her phone and set a new timer, then handed it to Carmilla. "Here. Since you don't have a watch. Meet me at the food trucks in twenty minutes."

Carmilla didn't take her phone. "What about you?" she questioned, gesturing to the object.

In response, Laura brandished a silver watch clinging tight around her right wrist. Carmilla hadn't noticed it before, since her glove had completely covered it. "Analog, baby."

Carmilla exhaled and took the phone. "Fine. Twenty minutes?" 

"Twenty minutes."

"Ten bucks?"

"Ten bucks. And Carmilla, I swear to god if you go over—"

"I won't. I promise." She bit her lip. "But this isn't the only present I'm allowed to get you, right?"

Laura's eyes grew incredibly soft. "Holy Hufflepuff, I love you so much."

"Two phrases I never thought I'd hear together."

"Listen, we have the entire month to get each other a real present. But for now, may the cheap gift odds be ever in your favor. Oh, and the more hilarious the better." Laura leaned up and gave her a peck on the lips. "Time starts..." She reached over and pressed the button on the phone screen, in Carmilla's hand. "Now!"

And Laura dashed off into the crowd and away from Carmilla.

Carmilla would have sighed melodramatically and gazed lovingly after her, but twenty minutes was not enough time and she knew if she was going to find the perfect gag gift she needed to hustle. So off she went, through the crowd in the opposite direction of Laura, figuring she had at least the rest of the day to gaze lovingly at her girlfriend.

* * *

They met back at the food vendors twenty minutes later, each of them holding a small shopping bag. 

"Hey!" Laura wound through the thinner crowd to meet her girlfriend at a fountain a and greeted her with a kiss on the cheek. "How'd it go?" She shifted slightly, hoping it wasn't obvious that she was trying to peek into Carmilla's bag.

Carmilla winked and switched the bag to her other arm. "Patience, love. You'll see in twenty-four days."

Laura pouted. "Fine." Her mood brightened as her eye fell upon the hot chocolate vendor. "Drinks?"

* * *

"Where to next?"

Carmilla said this as she sipped her cocoa. Her hands hadn't been this warm for several hours, and she was loving every second of it. The two of them were walking down the block and away from "Capitalist Village," as Carmilla had dubbed it.

Laura, meanwhile, had yet to take a sip and instead was blowing furiously on her blisteringly hot drink through the hole in the lid. "How can you stand it?"

"Stand what?"

Laura gave her a look.

Carmilla glanced at the cup, then at Laura, and shrugged. "I don't know. It's not that hot."

Laura's mouth fell open. "Your tolerance for pain is kind of concerning."

"You love me." She winked. "And my tolerance for pain."

Laura blushed furiously. "We are in _public."_

"And?"

She huffed and blew a strand of hair out of her face. _"Anyway,_  in answer to your question, we're going to Bloomingdale's."

"What? Why?"

"To see Santa, obviously."

Carmilla screeched to a stop. "Are you serious?"

"Look, I know it's not Macy's, but the line at Bloomie's is way shorter. Plus pictures are cheaper."

"Laura, I am twenty-seven years old."

"And I'm five foot two. Why is that relevant?"

"Santa is for children."

"Santa's for everyone!" Laura seemed completely shocked at Carmilla's reaction, like she'd just admitted to a murder or something. "You're never too old to ask Santa what you want for Christmas."

Carmilla rolled her eyes. "Fine. But I am _not_  sitting on his lap."

"Caaaaaaaaarm!"

"What? I don't sit on strangers' laps."

"He's not a stranger. He's Santa!"

"He's a stranger, jolly immortal being from the north notwithstanding."

"Fine. You don't have to sit on his lap if it makes you uncomfortable."

  
_"Thank_  you." Carmilla took another sip of her cocoa. 

"But you have to tell him what you want for Christmas."

"I don't think he'll respond well if I ask him for a strap-on."

"You're hopeless."

"And yet..." Carmilla trailed off, tilting Laura's jaw up for a kiss.

It tasted like chocolate.

* * *

"How much longer?"

"Be patient."

A beat.

"How much loooooonger?"

"Seriously? You're acting more childish than the actual children."

"But Laaaaaaaauuuuuuuuura, it's taking foreeeeeeeeeeeeeever."

"Yeah, you never would have survived Macy's," Laura mumbled under her breath. They had only been waiting in line for about fifteen minutes, which was only a tiny shaving of the time they would have spent in line at Macy's, and they were only third from the front.

Carmilla pouted and rested her head on Laura's shoulder. "I'm tired."

"Oh, please."

"And hungry. We haven't eaten since breakfast."

Laura's stomach growled in assent. "Yeah, that's fair. We'll get something to eat after this, okay?"

"Mkay." Carmilla nuzzled Laura's neck with her cheek.

"Next!"

The line inched forward.

"How much longer?"

"I'm going to kill you."

"In front of Santa? Well, that'll get you on the naughty list for sure."

"You'd love that, wouldn't you?" Laura sighed.

Carmilla shrugged. "The whole good girl thing just doesn't do it for me anymore."

"Need I remind you that there are children present?"

"Next!"

They were at the front of the line now, and Carmilla could clearly see the man himself, all red suit and white beard, sitting on a plush red chair. A little boy was sitting on his knee, chirping excitedly at him while his mother looked on and took photos. 

She had to admit, his beard did look pretty real. 

Maybe it _was_  real. 

"Do you want to go first or should I?" Laura asked.

"Um, you can." Carmilla was barely listening. She was searching for inconsistencies in the Santa's outfit, but couldn't find any. The man was identical to what she'd thought Santa would look like when she was little.

"Next!"

She was only slightly aware of the phone Laura thrust into her hand. "Take pictures, please!"

Carmilla stepped forward and held up Laura's phone. She still wasn't used to this thing, but taking pictures on it was simple enough.

"Smile," she said.

Laura grinned so widely it looked as though her mouth might split. The Santa seemed to smile with his eyes.

After snapping the photo, Carmilla watched from a distance as Laura told the man what she wanted for Christmas and waited for her turn. She felt a flutter in her chest and realized, with some confusion, that what she was feeling was excitement. How foreign it was to her. She hadn't felt like this in a long time.

Laura hopped down from Santa's lap and walked over to Carmilla. She took the phone from her. "Go on," she said.

_"Go on, Carmilla."_

Carmilla approached him slowly.

_And up she went, lifted onto his lap by hands with long nails that pinched at her skin._

"Hello there." 

_His voice was warm and safe and she wondered, was this real? Could he really be real?_

Carmilla didn't know what possessed her to do it, but when he patted his leg, she sat right on it, pulled towards him by some strange gravity she could only faintly remember experiencing once before.

"So, Carmilla, what brings you here today?"

Carmilla started. "How do you know my name?" She paused. "Did Laura tell you?"

He chuckled. "Oh, no, nothing like that. We've met before, you and I."

Carmilla cocked her head in confusion.

He leaned in closer to her. "Did you really think I'd forget a little girl like you? You wanted–"

_"–my daddy to come home. Please."_

Tears sprung to Carmilla's eyes. "Yeah, and you couldn't deliver," she snapped.

He sighed. "There are some things even I can't do," he said sadly.

Carmilla looked down.

"Now, I've been keeping an eye on you these past few years, and I know you think you've been on the naughty list. But you're not. You're one of the nicer ones, in fact."

Carmilla scoffed.

"It's true." He patted her arm. "I see how much you love her. She needs that. You know, once upon a time she asked for almost the same thing you did."

"Smile!"

The two of them turned towards a grinning Laura, and Carmilla managed a closed-lipped smile. Then Santa resumed his conversation with her.

"Now, Carmilla, what do you want?"

Carmilla breathed deeply, and looked at Laura out of the corner of her eye. "I want her to be happy."

Santa gave her a gentle smile. "I think that can be arranged."

* * *

Carmilla was very quiet on the way to the restaurant. They decided to go to Laura's (and now Carmilla's) favorite, the one where they'd had their first date. She didn't say a word the entire subway ride.

"Hey, is something wrong?" Laura finally asked, over spring rolls.

Carmilla sighed. "It's..." She sighed again. "The whole Santa thing was just... surreal."

Laura smiled in understanding. "Ah."

"Yeah, he remembered me going there when I was like, eight. I have no idea how. Even if it was the same guy, how would he know exactly what _I_  asked him for out of like a billion kids?"

"That's the magic of Christmas, babe."

Carmilla chuckled and shook her head. "I'm not so sure about that. But I'll suspend belief."

Their food came out, and they fell into silence again as they devoured it. Talking was secondary to eating, always.

At last, their breakneck pace slowed, and Carmilla asked, "Where to next?"

Laura bit her lip, barely able to hold back her excitement. "Last stop."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"But it's only three."

"Well, it's going to take a while."

Carmilla eyed her suspiciously. "Laura, what are we doing?"

"You'll have fun. I promise."

"That's not reassuring in the least."

"Totally unrelated question: how much weight can you carry?"

"What?"

"You'll see."

* * *

Two hours later, Laura and Carmilla finally arrived back at the brownstone, dragging a truly enormous tree along with them.

It had taken quite a while to pick it out. Laura had always been partial to larger trees, but some of the ones Carmilla suggested were just preposterous in size. Her usually broody, disaffected girlfriend had run up and down the aisles like a kid on a sugar rush, pointing out the tallest ones and trying her best pout when Laura said no. Laura figured Carmilla's erratic behavior had something to do with the Christmas overload she had been subjected to all day long. A grinch could only listen to "Jingle Bell Rock" so many times before eventually getting in the spirit.

Laura had never pegged Carmilla to be a big-tree sort of girl, and said as much as they stumbled the three blocks from the tree vendor to the brownstone, balancing the evergreen between them. Carmilla shrugged as much as she could while keeping a firm grip on the thing, and replied that "Bigger is always better, cupcake."

"That's some awfully capitalistic thought coming from you," Laura said, unable to hold back a smile. "I think I've corrupted you."

Carmilla had just laughed. She wasn't about to put a damper on the mood with the real reason for her excitement.

Her mother had never gotten them a live tree before. It had always been the same five-foot plastic object brought up from the basement every year, and was only ever decorated with white lights and simple red balls. This... This tree, this day... Laura had managed to cram twenty-two years' worth (this tally not accounting for the years with her father, of course) of the Christmas season into less than 24 hours. So of course Carmilla felt like a child again.

They made it up the stairs and through the front door with only minor amounts of finagling, considering the size. Once the entire tree was inside, they both dropped their ends simultaneously.

"God," Carmilla groaned, flexing her frozen fingers. "I can't believe we made it."

"This is all your fault, you know," Laura quipped as she locked the door and started taking off her boots. "We just _had_  to get the Godzilla of Christmas trees."

"Yeaaah, but imagine how cool it'll look!" 

"You're five years old."

Carmilla nodded, a stupidly happy grin on her face. "Yes."

Laura turned back to her, having hung up her coat and hat, and was almost blinded by Carmilla's radiant expression. Laura didn't think she had ever seen the girl so happy.

She stepped forward wrapped her arms around Carmilla's neck. Their noses were both still red, their bodies not yet thawed. Carmilla's cheeks were flushed far more than Laura's, owing to her pale skin. "Feeling merry yet?"

"So merry." Carmilla leaned down and captured Laura's lips in a deep kiss that got intense quite quickly. Laura had to pull herself away, lest Carmilla's delicious lips distract them from the final phase of project "Carmilla's Christmas".

"Okay, casanova," she exhaled, blushing. "Let's get this show on the road." She gestured to the tree, still lying on the floor in the foyer.

Carmilla sighed, but let go of Laura's waist and allowed her to walk around to the other side of the tree. "So how does this work?" she asked. She squatted down, examining the tree's base. The strong scent of pine filled her nostrils. It wasn't entirely unpleasant. She inhaled quietly.

"Carm, haven't you ever decorated a tree before?" Laura said. But one look at Carmilla's expression, her eyes closed as she breathed in the smell of the tree, a small smile on her lips, told her all she needed to know.

Carmilla hadn't even heard her question, and Laura figured it was for the best. She tapped Carmilla's shoulder. "Follow me."

Carmilla's eyes blinked open and she let out a soft sigh. She rose, hands on her thighs, and gave Laura a small smile. "Where are we going?"

"We have to get the decorations down from the attic. The tree base is up there too." Laura started up the stairs, and Carmilla trailed behind.

It took a few trips to get everything down. Laura really wasn't kidding when she said she loved Christmas— it seemed she had more decorations than Saks. 

Luckily, the decorations were organized quite methodically (as was the Laura Hollis way). The contents of each box were written on the side in itemized lists. The boxes were packed expertly to ensure that all the space was used, like a perverse game of Tetris.

But before they could decorate the tree, they had to set it up.

They decided to put the monster of a plant in the far corner of the living room, to the right of the television. Laura reasoned it would be the least obtrusive there. So she loosened the screws in the tree base and put it in place, and together she and Carmilla managed to get the tree through the living room and stuff the trunk inside the base. But it was no easy task.

"Carm, you have to hold it higher."

"I physically can't lift it any higher than it already is, creampuff."

"Well can you just tr- Whoa whoa whoa!" The tree leaned dangerously towards Laura.

Carmilla let out a frightened yelp and tugged the tree back towards her with a force she didn't know she possessed. She craned her neck around the tree as best she could. "Laura? Are you all right?"

The tree shook a bit, and Carmilla realized Laura was laughing. "What?"

"This tree," Laura gasped between laughs. "It's– it's so ridiculously– _large_."

Carmilla's shoulders slumped in relief, and she smiled. "Yeah, it is."

It really was comically huge.

Laura repositioned her hands to get a better grip on the tree. "Okay. When I say 'now,' hold on tight. Tight as you can. Got it?"

"Got it."

"Good." She shifted a little, trying to make sure Carmilla had a good handle on the tree. "Okay... Now!"

Carmilla held that tree like it was the only thing she had left.

Laura dropped to the ground and began tightening the screws around the tree's trunk. When she did so, Carmilla felt the entire weight of the tree press down on her suddenly. She pushed back with all her might.

"Uh, sweetheart, can you hurry it up down there? I don't have vampire strength."

"Sorry!" Laura squeaked from down below. "Just- one- more- turn—" She reached around to the back of the base and gave the last screw a final crank. "Done! You can let go now."

Carmilla let out a relieved breath and stepped away from the tree. It wobbled a bit, and she nearly leaped back to hold it again, but it soon settled.

Laura crawled back out from underneath and hopped up. "Okay, great!" She dashed through the  archway to the kitchen and returned with two pairs of scissors. "Now we have to set him free."

"Him?"

Laura waved a hand dismissively. "If you don't name your Christmas tree, do you even have one?" 

Carmilla rolled her eyes, but she was smiling. "Fine, so what's _his_  name?" she asked as she started in on the tree's netting.

"I was thinking something like Reginald, maybe."

"You're kidding."

"What's wrong with Reginald?"

Carmilla.and Laura snipped and snipped. As the branches sprung free, the yet-unnamed tree began to puff out to its rightful shape. "I don't know, I just feel like he's more of a Paul."

"We are _not_  naming him Paul."

"What's wrong with Paul?" Carmilla made sure to mock Laura's tone perfectly, and Laura giggled.

She couldn't believe how far Carmilla had come. A few months ago she would have most definitely made fun of Laura incessantly for wanting to name her Christmas tree. And now here she was, joining in the naming process (still making fun of Laura a little, but some light mockery was unavoidable and even welcome, at this point in the relationship).

Pretty soon, they both realized that neither of them could reach the top half of the tree. Carmilla managed a bit more than Laura, but after a certain point it was just physically impossible.

"You got a ladder?" Carmilla huffed, trying to catch her breath after stretching her body to its limits to snip off as much netting as she could reach.

"Have you _seen_  me?" Laura laughed. "Of course I do. I'll go get it."

Moments later she returned, and they managed to liberate Reginald/Paul completely. And after some more finagling ("A little to the left." "No, wait, a little to the right." "Left." "More." "Uhhhh... Right." "If you change your mind one more time, sweetheart, I swear to god I will push this tree over.") they finally got it perfectly in position.

"Okay, Carm, are you ready? Because here comes the fun part." Laura dragged a box over labeled "Lights."

This was new to Carmilla. Her childhood tree came with lights already embedded in the branches, so they never had to deal with real string lights. Perks of fake trees, she supposed.

Laura ripped open the box. "I'm going to put some music on. You can get started without me."

"Uh..." Carmilla knelt down next to the box. "How?"

"Just grab a spool, unravel it, and go around the tree with it." Laura headed towards the stairs. "I'll be right back."

Carmilla stared at the lights, all coiled up inside the box, and shrugged. Seemed simple enough.

When Laura came back downstairs with her iPhone dock, she found Carmilla sitting on the floor with her limbs tangled in lights. Her face was screwed up in frustration.

"Uh... what's going on here, exactly?" she said, trying to hold back laughter.

Carmilla looked up and deepened her scowl. "They won't turn on."

Laura's brow furrowed. "Huh, really? I just bought these ones last year." She knelt down beside Carmilla. "So what have you been doing this whole time?"

"Looking for the bastard that's broken." Carmilla gritted her teeth and let out a low growl. "Except then I got _stuck_." She grabbed one of the bulbs on the string and squeezed, the intent being to crush it.

"Ooookay, no, no need for that." Laura reached over and pried her fingers open, saving the bulb from an untimely demise. "Listen. How about I do the lights, and you can start on..." She thought for a moment. "The stairs!"

"The stairs," Carmilla said flatly.

"Yeah. I have a bunch of tinsel streamers. You can hang them on the banister."

Carmilla's angry expression dissolved into one of resignation. "Okay."

Laura scooted forward and started to detangle her girlfriend from the lights. She smiled as she worked, her eyes flitting up to Carmilla's for a millisecond before returning to the task at hand. "It was a valiant effort, I must say."

Carmilla sighed. "This is a new level of humiliation."

"I wish I got a picture."

Carmilla glowered at her, and Laura kissed her on the nose. "There. You're free." She sprung up. "Now, get up. This house isn't going to decorate itself!"

* * *

Another three hours passed, during which Laura and Carmilla decked the halls (and tree) like nobody's business with the Elf soundtrack cheering them on in the background (mixed with a bit of Michael Bublé's Christmas album, of course).

Carmilla actually liked the music. The renditions featured on it were sung by actual talent, and best of all there was none of this Wham! business that had played in every building they entered today. She managed to convince Laura to take a break and dance with her to Michael's cover of "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas." She held Laura close, swaying slowly with her in time to the music and singing along under her breath, directly into Laura's ear.

"I didn't know you knew the words," Laura whispered as the song ended.

"Neither did I," Carmilla replied, and kissed Laura's temple.

After the lights and banister were done, Laura had called Carmilla over and pointed to the rest of the boxes. "Go crazy."

Carmilla cocked her head. "Really?"

Laura smiled and nodded. "Mmhm." 

"There's no, like, order?"

"Not on our tree, there isn't."

  
_Our_  tree.

Carmilla and Laura had the tree done in an hour and a half. The sheer size of Paul (Carmilla won the naming argument) allowed for them to use every last ornament of Laura's, something Laura had never been able to do before in all her history of living alone. This made her incredibly happy, which as we all know was really all her girlfriend wanted in the world. 

Laura nominated Carmilla to place the star, a role she took very seriously. She was so focused on her job that she barely looked at Laura during it. After successfully completing her task without falling off the ladder or knocking the tree over, Carmilla descended into her girlfriend's waiting embrace. 

It was only after the kiss that she realized the music had been stopped for a while. Naturally, she commented on it. Laura sheepishly admitted she had taken her phone out of the dock to take a picture of Carmilla mounting the star, and she showed it to her.

It really was a great picture. Carmilla was biting her lip in concentration, but at the same time her lips were starting to turn up in a smile because it was the exact moment she had gotten the star settled.

Upon seeing the picture Carmilla kissed her again.

And again.

And again.

All that was over now, though, and the pair were cuddled up on the couch together sharing a blanket, sipping hot cocoa (Laura) and apple cider (Carmilla). It was dark outside, and they had turned off all the lights except those of the tree. Seeing as her fireplace was merely decorative, Laura had put the Yule log channel on the TV, and it crackled and sputtered on the screen before them. Michael Bublé crooned softly about coming home for Christmas in the background.

"So what did you think of today?" Laura asked. She nestled her head in the crook of Carmilla's shoulder.

"It was perfect," Carmilla answered. Her voice was dreamy, the way it sometimes got when she was talking about the stars.

"Changed your mind about Christmas?"

Carmilla smiled down at her. "Not at all."

Laura's face fell, but then she noticed the gleam in her girlfriend's eyes. "Oh, you're the worst!" she laughed, elbowing her gently in the side. "I believed you!"

Carmilla laughed, her head tossing back just a bit the way it did only when she was supremely happy. Laura had never seen her do it before. It was adorable. "I didn't think it was possible, but you did it. I don't think you have any idea just how convincing you can be, cupcake."

Laura could have easily made a sexual comment, but looking up at her girlfriend, and then at their tree, and then at the sparking Yule log before them, she didn't want to ruin it with something as coarse as that.

So she just snuggled in closer to Carmilla beneath the blanket and pressed a kiss to her cheek. "I really really really love you," she sighed.

Carmilla smiled and closed her eyes, letting the warmth of a holiday home at last wash over her.

There was no better feeling in the world. 

"Carm."

She didn't open her eyes. "Hm?" Her fingers trailed lazily over Laura's thigh, underneath the blanket.

"I think it's snowing."

That did it: her eyelids flew up, and together she and Laura craned their necks to see the small white flakes drifting softly down through the two windows, without even leaving the couch.

"Isn't it beautiful?" Laura murmured.

  
_Not as beautiful as you,_  Carmilla wanted to say. Instead, she just pushed her lips up against Laura's cheek.

And at that exact moment, a flash went off outside the left of the two windows they had just been looking through.

Laura's eye widened and her body jerked away from Carmilla with a start. Carmilla leapt to her feet and rushed to the window. She squinted, trying to make out a figure in the fading light. But she couldn't see anyone.

"W-what was that?" Laura stammered, her voice struck through with panic.

Carmilla was still staring out the window, hoping for night vision (or twilight vision, she supposed) to kick in. "If I had to guess, I'd say a camera."

"A camera?" 

Carmilla closed the blinds and then the curtains on both windows. Laura hadn't had curtains on these windows before, just blinds, but after recent events she had decided on double security. Today they had gotten a bit lax and left both open, which was understandable considering the circumstances. It was easy to forget many things, such as the fact that an evil CEO was threatening you and the lives of everyone you care about, when the holiday season rolled around. "Yeah. Idiot probably didn't realize their flash was on." She turned around and anger flared in her brain as she saw Laura, shaking and pale on the couch with an expression of pure fear on her face. How dare they do this to her?

But then Laura began to cry, and the anger slipped easily from Carmilla's heart to be replaced with worry and tenderness. 

She hurried back over to Laura and sat beside her. "Hey, hey. It's okay." She tucked Laura's hair behind her ears and continued murmuring softly to her. "They're gone, alright? They're gone."

Laura's face twisted and she pulled away from Carmilla and ripped the blanket off her lap. She walked over to the kitchen archway and stopped there, framed by its sides. Carmilla watched her. 

"Laura," she said softly.

Silence.

"Laura–"

Suddenly Laura let out a horrifying scream, frustrated and agonizing, and fell to her knees in tears. She wrapped her arms around her stomach hard and cried and cried, and her sobs were interspersed with screams. Her tiny body shook so violently and she couldn't think, she couldn't see anything but that flash and there was the knowledge that someone had been out there, watching her and Carmilla and they had seen Carmilla kissing her and- and-  

Chocolate and copper and petrichor and there were arms around her trying to hold her still but she couldn't, she couldn't, she was rocking hard against them and she knew what Carmilla had meant now, she knew and Carmilla was right all along, Laura should have left her, but not to protect herself, to protect Carmilla, Carmilla, Carmilla–

This was real. This was really happening to her. A few months ago she had been a normal girl living a normal life and now here she was being followed and threatened and everything she knew was gone or wrong and lord, who was she to think she could get away with this?

"This is all my fault," she wailed, and she knew it was true, and none of Carmilla's protests that followed could convince her otherwise. They were going to die, they were all going to die, and it was all going to be her fault. She could have left, weeks ago, with the contract. They'd given her a chance to walk away, and she hadn't taken it, god why hadn't she taken it?

She couldn't hear what Carmilla was saying. All she could hear was that low smoky voice that so many months ago had asked if she had a boyfriend murmuring to her and loving her and it was breaking her heart all over again. 

Loving Laura was going to kill her.

And Carmilla didn't seem to understand this with the way she still held Laura even as she hit her chest to drive her away and the way she still kissed Laura even as she yelled at her to leave and the way her voice sounded all calm and sure as she shook her head and said she was never going to leave her no she was never going to leave her she promised she promised she wasn't going to leave never never never

never

because she loved her

and Laura didn't seem to understand.

Snow falling outside on a jolly city street and the trees wrapped in string lights, and merry shoppers headed home to wrap gifts for those they loved, and the Christmas cheer bright enough to rival a thousand suns, and all of it ignored the life crumbling behind the door of number 307.

_And since we've no place to go, let it snow, let it snow, let it snow._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's title came from "Spectrum" by Florence + The Machine.  
> Guys, we're seriously winding down. I think there might only be two or three more chapters left (!!!), including an epilogue. I'll save the tearful thanks for the actual end of the story, but yeah. It's getting emotional.


	17. the stars, the moon, they have all been blown out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Featuring the Christmas party to end all Christmas parties.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Blood, vomiting. Not necessarily together or in that order.  
> This chapter's title came from Cosmic Love by Florence + The Machine. I'm putting this at the beginning of the chapter this time because it goes really well with this chapter, especially the end. So if you want to listen to it while reading, now you know.  
> This past Tuesday marked exactly a year since this story was published. Thank you so much to everyone who's been here since the start and thank you to those who joined in along the way.  
> Three more chapters after this, and two of them will be fairly short. Buckle up, creampuffs.

 

Laura stared at the ceiling.

She had beaten her alarm this morning by several hours. The sun hadn't even begun to rise. Carmilla was sleeping soundly beside her. The soft inhales and exhales reminded Laura of exactly what hung in the balance. 

If this didn't work...

She grabbed her phone and checked the time. Barely a minute had passed since she last checked. 

It wasn't even nightmares that were keeping her awake. Rather, it was the anticipation. When would the next flash of a camera come? When would the next car follow her to her door?

Quite often, she entertained the concept that Lilita knew what she was doing. She then liked to think up reasons why she was still alive, if that were the case.  She'd settled on the explanation that, after all, she _was_  working on the real cover story, even as she wrote her exposé. Maybe, when enough time passed and the cover was mostly done, maybe that's when Lilita'd call on her hitman or sniper or whoever she had doing her dirty work, and then have another poor, unsuspecting PM be called to finish what Laura had started.

She wondered if Carmilla would be killed as well.

After it happened, Carmilla tried to console Laura with the fact that a flash like that, in the dark and against a window, would have caused a reflection that would only allow the photographer to capture an image of themselves. Laura knew this to be true. She also knew this didn't mean the photographer didn't get a picture of them before that, without the flash.

Carmilla acquiesced that this was a good point, but probably still unlikely. She started to give her reasoning for that line of thought, to no avail; by then Laura had returned to a near catatonic state. They'd gone to bed after that conversation with Carmilla suggesting that she'd feel better in the morning.

Well, it was morning.

And Laura certainly did not feel any better.

She checked her phone again.

Not even a minute.

Just then, she heard a scratching at the window across the bed, on the opposite wall.

She froze. 

It came again, a bit louder this time. 

Her eyes darted to the source and, to her dismay, she realized the curtains weren't closed, exposing her and Carmilla to whatever was hiding in the pitch black outside. 

The fear gripped her once more and she had to try with all her might not to scream.

Instead, she sat up, whispered, "Carmilla," and placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Huhh?"

"Carmilla, I think- I think there's someone outside."

"What?" Carmilla pushed herself up to a sitting position. She looked at Laura with the bleary confusion of someone woken so suddenly and Laura felt a profound ache in her chest because this was when Carmilla was the most beautiful. But she was too terrified to lose her fingers in her messy hair and kiss the sleep away.

"I think there's someone outside," she repeated instead, and at that moment the sound came again, as if to prove her point.

Carmilla's eyebrows furrowed. She placed a hand on Laura's arm. "Okay. I'll check it out." She yawned and god, Laura loved her.

"Thank you," Laura whispered.

Carmilla nodded sleepily and swung her legs off the side of the bed. 

"Be careful."

She waved a hand dismissively and shuffled over to the window. She peered out and, seeing nothing, waited for the sound to come again.

When it did, Laura nearly imploded from anxiety. "Carm, it's okay, come back to bed." What she really wanted to do was scream, "Get away from the window!"

Carmilla turned back from the glass and when she spoke, Laura could hear the exasperation plain as day. "Cupcake, relax. It's just the tree."

"The... What?"

"The tree. It's pretty windy, and the branches are scraping the window." A gust of wind came, and then the scratching noise. Carmilla raised a single eyebrow. _See?_  

Now that Carmilla had pointed it out, Laura could faintly see the outline of the branches belonging to the large tree that stood on the sidewalk in front of the brownstone.

"Oh."

"Yeah."

Laura looked down at the blankets. "I'm sorry I woke you."

Carmilla sighed, regretting her tone. "You have nothing to apologize for." She returned to the bed and climbed in. "Lay down."

Laura obeyed. Carmilla readjusted herself to hold her. She kissed the back of her head. "You okay?"

"I'm just–" Her voice cracked. "I'm so _scared,_  Carm."

A pause. 

"I know." Another pause, and then Carmilla continued. "It's okay."

"Is it?"

She nudged the back of Laura's ear with her nose. "Well, it will be, if you _go to sleep_."

Laura smiled. "Thank you," she whispered.

"That doesn't sound like sleeping to me."

"Goodnight, Carm."

"Shut up and go to sleep already."

"I love you.

"...I love you too."

* * *

"Wait, wait, wait. Let's back up a bit."

"Of course! To which step?"

"Uh... The first one?"

A laugh, and then a more serious, "Oh. Yes. Certainly."

Carmilla groaned. "I'm never going to get this right!"

"Now, Carmilla. Everything takes practice at first. With persistence, I'm sure you'll–"

"Perr, you know Carmilla doesn't respond well to motivational sayings," LaFontaine's voice called from the kitchen.

Perry's eyes widened. "Right. Of course, right. So, then... I suppose you could just–"

"Have you do it?" Carmilla interjected, and pushed the mess in front of her towards Perry.

Perry sighed and crossed her arms. "I am not wrapping Laura's gift for you."

"But whyyyyyyyyyyyy?" Carmilla whined.

"Be _cause!_ She's _your_  girlfriend, not mine."

"Exactly, which is why I want it to be perfect. What's wrong with that?" Carmilla huffed, her cheeks flushing.

Understanding flickered across Perry's face, and she gave Carmilla a soft smile. "Carmilla," she said gently, "Laura doesn't care about things like that."

"Well, I do."

"Trust me. Laura will appreciate a bad wrapping job from the heart much more than a perfect one that you outsourced."

Carmilla frowned deeply. "Hmph." Nevertheless, she reached back over and dragged the mess of wrapping paper and box towards her.

LaFontaine entered the living room, crunching on a mini candy cane. "So, when's Laura getting here anyway?"

"She gets out of work around now, so probably another half hour or so," Carmilla said. She glanced up, hearing another loud crunch. "Where'd you get that?"

LaFontaine took the candy cane out of their mouth and looked at her quizzically. "The bowl on the counter," they said slowly. "It's full of them."

Carmilla stood up. "What? Since when?"

LaFontaine burst out laughing. "Dude, you literally live here. How did you not notice them?"

"Laura must have put them out before she left. I didn't go into the kitchen today at all." She laughed. "I got super cheap takeout from the place down the street. Too lazy to cook."

"We all have those days."

Perry scoffed indignantly. _"I_  don't."

LaFontaine patted her on the head. "You're a special case."

Suddenly, all three of them heard the sound of a key in the lock. 

They looked at each other in a panic.

"What do I do with this?" Carmilla hissed, holding up the mass of crumpled paper and Laura's gift.

"Hide it in your room?" Perry suggested.

"We'll distract her," LaFontaine added.

"We'll what?" 

LaFontaine ignored Perry's gasp and waved a hand at Carmilla frantically. "Go, go!"

Carmilla rarely ran, but in that moment she was Usain Bolt. She dashed up the stairs, around the bend, and down the hall to their room. She threw open the door.

Laura's voice floated up to her from downstairs.

"Hey guys! Thanks for coming so early. I didn't really want Carmilla to be alone after what happened."

_Come on come on come on,_  Carmilla thought. Her eyes scanned the room, searching for a place to hide the thing.

"It was no problem at all. It must have been terrifying." Perry.

Carmilla froze, waiting for Laura's response.

She heard her girlfriend pause, then exhale shakily, and all Carmilla wanted to do was run back downstairs and hold her and kiss her and tell her it was going to be all right. "Yeah, it was."

She didn't know what Perry did after that, but it must have comforted Laura enough that Perry felt she could change the subject. "Lovely decorations, by the way. The tree is magnificent."

"Thanks! Um, where _is_  Carmilla?"

"I think the real question is, uh, where's... Where's the love for your best friend, huh, _pal?_  Come on, give me some sugar."

Carmilla cringed, and she made a mental note to let LaFontaine (was there any doubt in your mind that it had been LaFontaine speaking?) take home all the candy canes that they wanted. 

She knew they wouldn't be able to stall Laura for much longer, and so she made a quick decision and shoved the present, paper and all, under the bed. 

She stood up quickly and pivoted to exit the room, just as Laura reached the doorframe.

Carmilla let out a startled yelp, which caused Laura to let out a squeal of her own, until they both realized who the other was and calmed down.

"Hey," Carmilla said. "You're home early." She stepped forward and wrapped her arms around Laura's waist.

Laura, being Laura, barely noticed. "Oh, yeah," she laughed, "I had a meeting with Betty today and afterward she said I looked tired and I should go home early because apparently, I deserve it."

"You had a meeting? What about?"

"Yeah, well, actually, I'm going to wait to talk about it until Danny and your friend get here, because it could be relevant to the plan."

"He's not my friend, but fine." Carmilla gave Laura that sly smile with narrowed eyes, the look she often gave her right before a kiss. Laura blushed and planned to grin, but she yawned instead.

Carmilla's expression crashed and became concerned. "Huh..." She leaned in and examined Laura. The dark circles beneath her eyes, the pallid color of her skin. "You do look like crap."

Laura rolled her eyes. "Thanks." She yawned again, far too tired to think up a wittier comeback.

Carmilla chuckled and kissed her forehead. "Come on, love. Bedtime. Let's go." She began to pull Laura over to the bed.

"Wait, but- but-"

"No buts."

"But Caaaaarm–"

"No. Buts." 

Laura frowned.

"Sweetheart, come on. Just a little nap, okay? You're exhausted, you've been working too hard. It's not healthy."

She pouted harder.

"Look, Danny and JP aren't going to get here for another hour at least, and we can't start without them. You can just sleep until they come. How does that sound?"

Laura yawned one last time. "You drive a hard bargain, Karnstein," she sighed. 

Carmilla smiled. "Thank you. Now, hurry up, I'm not leaving until I see you physically in bed. Let's go."

A few moments later Laura was nestled all nice and snug in her bed. The growing warmth was already causing her to drift off. 

Carmilla nodded, satisfied. She bent and kissed Laura on the forehead. "Rest, darling."

"Love you, Carm," Laura slurred as her eyelids drooped.

"Love you too."

* * *

JP was right on time for the meeting. Danny was not. She cited subway traffic as her excuse, but Carmilla was far too observant to miss the small bit of purple on her neck. However, the delay had allowed Laura to get some more sleep, so she decided not to comment. By the time the whole crew arrived, nearly two hours had passed.

"So." Carmilla glanced around the living room at their small band. The addition of JP had caused a shift in the seating arrangements, and now he was sitting on the arm of LaFontaine's chair instead of Perry, who sat on the sofa. Danny remained in her usual seat in the chair opposite LaFontaine. "Everyone present and accounted for?"

"Seems like it," LaFontaine said, and took another bite out of another candy cane.

"Except for Laura," Danny said.

Carmilla rolled her eyes. "Obviously."

"Where is she?"

"Cool it, Red. She's taking a nap."

"Well, wake her up!" Perry exclaimed. "We have to make a plan. A real one. We can't just sit around here while we're being–" she lowered her voice and hissed, " _–watched._ "

"Christ, I was going to." Carmilla threw her hands up and started for the stairs. "I don't know what Laura sees in any of you." She turned around and pointed to LaFontaine. "Except you, bud."

LaFontaine beamed cheekily. "I'm honored."

"You should be."

LaFontaine grinned and shot finger guns at Carmilla before she walked up the stairs and out of sight.

"She's great," Carmilla heard LaFontaine say as she approached the second floor.

"You only think that because you're the favorite," Perry chided gently, but there was a smile in her voice.

Carmilla shook her head and smiled to herself, filled with the warmth of belonging.

She pushed open the door to the bedroom and, to her surprise, found her girlfriend awake and dressed and kneeling on the floor, reaching for something under the bed oh no oh no oh _no_.

"Don't!" She practically leapt across the room, all but tackling Laura to the ground.

"CarmIlla, what the _hell?"_  Laura sputtered from beneath her.

"I- I thought you were–" Now that Carmilla was sitting on top of her girlfriend, she realized in retrospect that this probably wasn't the smartest option she could have taken. "Nevermind."

Laura glared at her. "Get off."

Carmilla obeyed and gave her a wide-eyed pout the whole time.

"Not gonna work."

"Ugh. Fine. Why are you so much better at pouting than I am? It's not fair." 

Laura's glare softened. "It's because I'm cuter."

Carmilla gasped. "Lies and slander!"

Laura aughed and god, Carmilla loved that laugh. 

She took Laura's hands and pulled her up. "Come on, the dimwit squad is waiting for you."

"Caaaaarm."

"Hey, they brought it upon themselves." 

"You said you'd be nice."

"When? When did I say that?"

"Shhhh," Laura hissed as they walked down the stairs. "Hey guys!"

She paused. "And... strange... man..."

"Oh, that's JP," Carmilla said. "JP, this is my lover."

Laura smacked her shoulder. "You're JP?" she asked him.

"That's me."

Laura smiled and offered him her hand. "Laura Hollis. Nice to meet you. Thanks so much for helping us. Oh, and please excuse my inappropriate girlfriend." 

"I love youuuuu," Carmilla singsonged as she plopped down on the other end of the sofa from Perry.

JP laughed and took Laura's hand, and shook it firmly. "JP Armitage. And trust me, I know Carmilla quite well. I understand."

Laura smiled and then took her place between Carmilla and Perry. "So, first things first. LaF, JP, ETA on the ID cards?"

"Oh my god, I'm telling you, this guy's a genius, L," LaFontaine piped up, punching JP lightly in the shoulder. "We finished the cards yesterday."

"Seriously? That's a week ahead of schedule!" Laura grinned. "Great job, guys."

LaFontaine and JP fist bumped without even looking at each other. 

Perry sighed. "Yes, and thank goodness they're done. The living room is an absolute pigsty thanks to them."

"Perr, I told you, it's part of our _pro_ _cess_."

"I just don't understand why your _process,_ " Perry mocked, "can't involve cleaning up after yourselves."

JP looked mildly uncomfortable.

Laura sighed. "Moving on." She clasped her hands together. "So I got some exciting news at work today."

"You were fired?" asked Carmilla hopefully.

Laura smiled at her. "God, I wish, but it's not _that_  exciting."

Carmilla pouted. Laura giggled and bumped her head gently against Carmilla's.

"It would be nice if you two could stop making eyes at each other long enough to tell us actually important information," said Danny, but for the first time she sounded more bored (and possibly joking?) than upset. Carmilla thought about the purple spot and smirked.

Laura blushed. "You're right. Sorry." She shifted to sit more upright. "So, okay, you guys know that every year Silas has an employee host the annual Christmas party. I mean, it's technically a 'Holiday Party' but come on, everyone knows it's really a Christmas party. Jules from accounting is Jewish and she said–"

"Cupcake," Carmilla said, placing a hand on her leg.

"Oh. Sorry. Rambling again." She shook her head a little to clear it. "The point is, this year they picked me."

Carmilla felt the couch cushions open beneath her and send her plunging down into an abyss. 

LaFontaine, being one of the only other people there who worked at Silas, had also caught Laura's drift. "Oh my god."

"Would anyone care to explain to the rest of us what this means?" Perry asked.

LaFontaine turned to her. "This party is a _huge_  deal, Perr. The whole building closes completely on the day of, and anyone who's free is basically forced to go."

Her eyes widened in understanding. "Oh. So that means–"

Laura nodded, a huge smile on her face. "It's the perfect cover."

Danny's face lit up. "The building will be empty?"

Carmilla strained to hear the answer from within the abyss.

"Yup," Laura said.

"Completely?"

"Yup!" Her smile became a full-blown grin. "That's when we do it."

And Carmilla was falling, falling, falling, falling...

"Carm? You okay?"

Carmilla blinked. 

"Carm?" Laura was looking at her with concern.

No falling. No abyss. The living room. The dimwit squad. Laura.

The Christmas party.

The empty building.

Everyone attended.

She remembered.

Everyone.

Even her m–

"I have to use the bathroom." And Carmilla left the room abruptly.

Laura's brow furrowed, but she soon turned back to her friends. "Okay, where were we?"

"Empty building. Christmas party. Perfect time to strike." Danny grinned.

"Right. Okay, so Danny, you win. I have to host the party, so I can't go into the building, and I don't care what anybody says but I won't let Carmilla go either. So it has to be one of you." She paused. "Um, JP, you don't actually have to stay, if you don't want to. We just kind of needed your help with the cards."

"Are you kidding? This is the most exciting thing that's happened to me in years. I'm not passing this up." 

LaFontaine offered up their fist again and once again he returned the gesture, both without looking at each other.

Laura smiled, thrilled. She couldn't believe this was actually happening. Maybe they did stand a chance, no matter how small. "So who's going in?"

Danny raised her hand. "Me."

JP. "I'm in."

LaFontaine. _"Heck yes!"_

Perry glanced around at all the raised hands. "Oh dear."

"Perry, you don't have to." Laura touched her shoulder. "You can just come to the party instead."

"Or, you could come with us and actually have a real adventure," LaFontaine said. "Their voice softened. "Come on, Perr. It won't be any fun without you."

Perry frowned. "Oh, stop it. You're loving this."

"Fine. It won't be _as much_  fun without you."

Perry's lips quirked, and LaFontaine's face lit up. "YES!" they shouted, and punched the air.

"If we get caught I'm turning all of you in," Perry muttered, crossing her arms.

"No you won't," LaFontaine sang. They leaned over and gave Perry a quick peck on the cheek. She huffed.

"Okay!" Laura said, grinning. "Awesome! So, now we have to strategize. We'll probably have to save that for the next meeting, though, since we still have to figure out how to get a map of the place–"

"Oh, JP can do that," LaFontaine interjected.

"He can?" Laura asked at the same time JP said, "I can?"

"Sure you can!" LaFontaine turned to Laura. "All he has to do is hack into the system to get a pdf of the building blueprints, which probably aren't that well-protected anyway. You can do that, right Jeep?"

JP nodded. "I suppose," he said bashfully. "I could do it now, if you want."

Laura's jaw dropped. "Yes, absolutely!"

"All right. Do you have a PC?"

Her shoulders slumped. "No. Strictly macs here."

"I've got one." Danny held up her messenger bag. "I didn't have time to stop at home, so I still have my company computer."

"That'll work." 

Danny took the laptop out and handed it over. "Just don't kill it. I have to return it at the end of the year."

He nodded. "Don't worry. It shouldn't do any damage."

"That's comforting," she muttered.

Laura glanced around. It had been several minutes and Carmilla still hadn't returned. She returned her gaze to the rest of her friends, now all crowded around JP as he began to work, and decided to go check on her.

"I'll be right back, you guys," she said, and was met with distracted murmurs of assent.

She rose from the couch and headed through the large arch and down the hall to the bathroom behind the stairs. The door was closed.

She knocked. "Carm?"

There was a shuffling sound from within, and then it fell silent. Finally a voice responded, "Yeah."

"You've been in here a while. Is everything okay?"

No response. 

She hovered by the door, her voice tentative. "Can I come in?"

A short pause.

"Yeah," came the voice again, weaker this time.

Laura opened the door.

And there she was, sitting on the floor by the toilet with dried tears on her cheeks. An unpleasant smell filled the air, sour and sharp. Vomit.

Laura quickly shut the door and fell to her knees beside Carmilla. "Oh my god, Carm, are you okay? What's wrong? Are you sick? Is it- are you–"

"I'm _fine,"_  Carmilla hissed, and struggled to sit more upright. "I'm fine."

"Carm, you're not _f_ _ine."_  Laura reached over to push hair out of her face, but Carmilla recoiled. Laura's breath caught and she withdrew her hand, visibly hurt.

Carmilla closed her eyes, trying to calm herself. "It's." She took a shuddering breath. "It's not you. It's." She dug her fingernails into her thighs, willing them to slice her skin open through the denim of her jeans. "My mother."

"Your mother?"

"She." Carmilla found her jaw locking up. She didn't want to relax. She couldn't. "She always goes to these parties. Or at least. She did. When I was a kid." She managed to open her eyes. "Doesn't she?"

Laura's eyes widened. "Carmilla," she gasped. "I'm so sorry. I completely forgot."

"I know."

Laura tried to take her hands, and this time Carmilla let Laura touch her. "Listen. For as long as I've worked here, I haven't seen her at the Christmas party. Maybe she stopped going once you were grown up. I really don't think she'll come to this one." 

"You don't know that."

Laura exhaled. "No. But I do know that she won't be in the building. And I also know that we won't get another chance like this again."

Carmilla stared at her, and the pain scared her. "Please, Laura," she begged. 

And the worst part was it wasn't the desperate, loud kind of begging. It was a quiet, broken plea, the one you make when you know exactly what the answer is going to be, and when you know it isn't going to be what you want to to be.

Saying it was like falling into a pit of glass. "Carm, I'm sorry. But we have to."

She nodded, and when she did her head hung lower. Her hands slipped from Laura's and Laura let them and wished there was another way.

But there wasn't.

* * *

When the meeting adjourned at last, it was five hours later. Those hours had been nothing short of a mission-impossible-worthy strategizing montage. The plan had been finalized. Here it is:

 

1\. Everyone packs for the holidays ahead of time. The gingers and JP will leave their bags at JP's apartment, which is fairly close to Grand Central.

2\. Laura and Carmilla hold the party.

3\. The gingers + JP enter the building when the party starts, using LaF's regular ID to pass the normal obstacles. 

4\. They will go to sublevel 10, the last one, via the elevator and the revamped IDs JP and LaF made.

5\. Using the map, they will navigate their way to one of many "lockers" on this floor, labeled LO336.

6\. This locker will open with the key card, and then they should be able to go on, get all the information Laura needs, and get out. 

7\. They will then return to JP's apartment, grab their things, and head to the train station.

8\. As soon as the party is over, Laura and Carmilla will meet them there. They will all board the train together, and using the files, Laura will finish her report.

9\. Once in Canada she will send it out, and then everyone will spend Christmas with her and her dad while the authorities handle Silas and Lilita.

 

See? Everything was going to work out just fine.

Despite the many times Laura told Carmilla this, Carmilla couldn't believe it. She was terrified. Absolutely terrified.

She didn't show it. She just did everything she could to help Laura, whether it be packing for the trip or wrapping gifts or even baking gingerbread. (Okay, so she ate more than she baked. But really, who can bake cookies without eating some of the dough?) Sometimes these things took her mind off this insane plan they were about to enact. Sometimes they didn't. She tried to tell herself that Laura was right, that everything was going to be fine. But at night, she would still hold Laura just a little tighter.

Laura pretended not to notice.

* * *

The days flew by in a whirlwind of peppermint, wrapping paper, and stress. 

Carmilla had finally managed to (semi) successfully wrap Laura's gift. She had used a decent chunk of her meager savings to buy it, but reasoned Laura was worth it. In her mind she could still see the skepticism on the faces of the clerks when she walked in, wearing not so much as a shred of Burberry. 

It's amazing how quickly people's opinions change when you slam a wad of cash down in front of them.

Laura had a rougher time. She agonized the whole month over what to get Carmilla. Nothing seemed right. Carmilla thought jewelry was too extravagant. She would probably think the same of a vinyl record. And she had made it abundantly clear that she didn't want a cell phone under any circumstances, not just for Christmas.

One day, Laura was in Barnes and Noble, very close to just settling on a random philosophy book and hoping to god that Carmilla would find it interesting, when a book with a certain instrument on the cover caught her eye. She walked over to it and flipped through, then set the book back down and raced into the neighboring music store.

And that was how she got Carmilla's perfect gift.

Unfortunately, due to its odd shape, it was very hard to hide, and even harder to wrap. Laura ended up shoving it under the bed on her side and hoped Carmilla wouldn't think to look there.

Laura had called her father and asked if she could some friends home for Christmas and her father, thrilled to finally have a reason to entertain, said yes immediately. Everything was in place. Now all they had to do was wait.

The night of the party finally came. Laura was full of excitement. Carmilla was full of dread.

Dressed in a black skirt, a red-and-white Christmas sweater, and a Santa hat, Laura greeted the guests as they arrived with mounting enthusiasm. Carmilla stayed on her arm in her leather pants and a Grumpy Cat Christmas sweater Laura had bought her as the gag gift in the Winter Village. "I was going to save it for Christmas, but I couldn't resist," Laura giggled when she gave it to her. "You _have_  to wear it!"

Carmilla made a face when she saw it, and her bemused expression remarkably resembled that of the cat it bore. But she wore it anyway.

The house looked incredible; as Carmilla said, "It looks like Santa threw up in here." Laura had put up even more decorations than usual, transforming the house into a regular Winter Wonderland. Which, incidentally, was the current song crooning from the speaker in the living room. Mistletoe was Carmilla's responsibility, and as such a little bundle hung above each and every doorframe and archway in the brownstone. (Carmilla spent a lot of time dragging Laura around the house; "I'd say you did your job a little too well," Laura quipped after Carmilla pointed upwards for the fifth time.) 

An hour and a half later, the party was in full swing. There was no sign of Carmilla's mother, and Carmilla was finally starting to enjoy herself. She mingled (Mingled. Can you believe it?) with some of Laura's coworkers and drank a cup of spiked mulled cider. She even took Laura for a spin on the dance floor to "Jingle Bell Rock." 

They jumped and twirled as the upbeat music blared. Laura's hat flopped around on her head and she laughed merrily. Carmilla found herself grinning and loving and it was just like before, months and months before, dancing on the subway. Laura twirling out, twirling in, laughing and shining like nothing else in the world. 

The song ended and on a whim Carmilla dipped her, even though the song didn't call for it whatsoever, and this time she didn't hesitate before capturing Laura's lips with her own.

It was a perfect night. Even more perfect were the routine updates from the ginger squad (and JP!) that were all positive.

Laura was refilling the cookie plate in the kitchen and Carmilla was perched on the counter, munching on one, when the doorbell rang. "Carm, can you get that, please?"

"Sure." Carmilla hopped down from the counter, walked over to the front door and opened it.

There's a certain feeling you get right before you faint. You can actually feel your blood leaving your brain and moving downwards, as far away from your head as it can get. Your vision flakes at the edges and it's almost like your head is full of static, like when you sit up too fast after lying down for a long time. It's tunnel vision too. All the edges are moving in and blacking out so you can only focus on the one thing staring straight at you.

Which in Carmilla's case was her mother.

Long black trench coat. Black leather gloves, holding a bottle of undoubtedly red wine. 

Blood red lipstick.

It was her. It was her. She was here, here in Laura's home, and standing right in front of Carmilla.

And somehow, Lilita didn't seem to recognize her at all. There wasn't even the smallest flicker of familiarity in her eyes. This reassured Carmilla, even just a little.

She smiled a tight-lipped smile. "Is this Laura Hollis's home?"

Carmilla was tempted to say no. "Yes. Yes, it is." 

It had been almost ten years since she'd last seen her. And here she was, in all her villainous glory. Carmilla could feel the bile rising in her throat.

Lilita raised an eyebrow. "Well, is she here?"

Laura flounced up behind Carmilla. "Hey, honey, who-"

She saw Carmilla's expression before she saw the new arrival, and in an instant she knew what had happened. She slipped her hand into Carmilla's and faced the guest. "Oh, Miss Morgan! I didn't know you were coming tonight."

"I wasn't planning on it, but some of your coworkers were raving about your holiday spirit and how this would be a wonderful gathering, so I decided I would drop by just for a little while." She looked at Laura pointedly. "May I come in?"

"Oh my god, what kind of hostess am I? Yes, of course. I'm sorry. Come on in." 

Lilita bowed her head and stepped inside, and the impossibly high heels of her boots clacked loudly on the floor. 

Laura closed the door behind her. "Let me take your coat. Refreshments are in the kitchen. Please help yourself." 

"Would you like me to put this there too?" Lilita asked, holding up the wine. 

"Oh, thank you so much! You shouldn't have." Laura took the bottle to the kitchen as Lilita shrugged off her coat. 

Carmilla studied her mother as she did this. She didn't look ten years older. Five, maybe. For sure, she didn't appear to have been the least bit affected by her daughter's "death."

Then again, this woman had her own husband killed.

Laura returned moments later to take Lilita's coat, and then she and Carmilla walked into the guest room where the coats were being stored. Lilita watched them for a moment, then shrugged and went in after the gingerbread.

Alone in the guest room, Laura dropped Lilita's coat unceremoniously on the coat-covered bed and turned to Carmilla. "Carm, I'm so sorry," she said, and she looked horribly upset. "I really didn't think she would come. I should have listened to you."

"Sweetheart, it's okay." Carmilla took her hands. "I don't think she recognizes me, but I'd like to keep it that way, all right?"

"Okay. Yes. Oh my god..." Laura found she couldn't say anything anymore. She threw her arms around Carmilla and drew her into a tight hug. "I love you, Carm."

"I love you too."

"I won't let her hurt you."

Carmilla let out a shuddering breath. 

"Hey," Laura whispered, and kissed her. "It's going to be fine."

Carmilla nodded and buried her head in Laura's shoulder and tried so hard to believe her, but she just couldn't.

* * *

They finally composed themselves enough to rejoin the party. When they left the room, Laura immediately made a beeline for Lilita with a very confused and scared Carmilla in tow. She came to a stop in front of her boss, who was talking to a terrified-looking intern and holding a gingerbread man with the head bitten off. 

"Miss Morgan, I don't believe I introduced you. This is my girlfriend Mircalla. Smith. Mircalla Smith."

Carmilla looked at her as if to say, "seriously?"

Lilita raised an eyebrow. "What an unusual name," she said, "but a lovely one. Nice to meet you, Mircalla." She extended a hand.

Carmilla did her best to smile. "Nice to meet you too," she returned, and took her mother's hand. It was cold and stiff, like a dead body. She tried not to shiver.

"Hey, babe, could you check on the gingerbread?" Laura asked her. 

Carmilla nodded. "Yep." She squeezed Laura's hand and headed into the kitchen.

Once there, she pulled out a burner phone Laura purchased for the operation, and texted LaFontaine's burner.

_How's it going?_

**WE ARE HAVING SOME TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES. BUT EVERYTHING IS FINE.**

Panic seized Carmilla's heart and she typed furiously.

_Well, you have to hurry. My mother just showed up._

Without waiting for a response, she shoved the burner back in her pocket and went back to look for Laura. She spotted her talking to Betty and some other people by the tree. 

Carmilla walked over to the little group and slid an arm around Laura's waist. "Can I steal her for a second?"

Betty smirked. "Of course," she said suggestively. 

Laura rolled her eyes, but allowed Carmilla to drag her off to the side. 

Once they were out of the way, Carmilla kissed her deeply.

"Happy holidays to me," Laura whispered, giggling, as they broke apart. 

Carmilla pretended to smile. Under her breath, she murmured, "They seem to have run into some trouble."

Laura's eyes widened slightly, but her face remained unchanged otherwise. She incited another kiss, and this time when they broke she asked, "What kind of trouble?"

Carmilla shrugged and moved her arms up to wrap around Laura's neck. "All they said was that they were having 'technical difficulties.'"

Laura faked a smile. "Did you tell them to hurry?" she said through gritted teeth.

Carmilla nodded slightly and feigned cheer. Laura laughed, and if Carmilla didn't know her so well by now she would think it was genuine. 

"Well, there's nothing we can do now," she said, and didn't bother lowering her voice.

Carmilla sighed. "I guess you're right."

"Let's just try to have some fun, okay?" Laura took Carmilla's arms off of her neck and dragged her over to the makeshift dance floor. "Come on."

The night continued, and though Carmilla was finding it difficult to let go as easily as she did before her mother arrived, she didn't have a completely awful time. An hour later she got a new text on the burner.

**You're not going to believe some of the stuff they keep down here.**

_Like what?_

**Financial records, phone records, you name it. And get this- all the forms have your mom's signature on them.**

_Okay. Grab as much as you can. Hurry._

"Enjoying your night?" 

Carmilla jumped. Her mother was standing right next to her. She hadn't been there seconds before. Carmilla hoped she didn't see what she was typing. "Oh. Yes." She smiled at Lilita. "And you?"

"Oh, very much so. Your girlfriend really knows how to throw a Christmas party, Carmilla."

Carmilla froze. Maybe she could play it off. "Excuse me?"

Lilita scoffed. "Spare me the theatrics, darling. I knew it was you the second you opened that door." She rolled her eyes. "Mircalla? Honestly, like no one's ever heard of an anagram."

Okay, nope. She couldn't.

"Now, I also know several other things that you thought were a secret. I know exactly what your little pet is planning, and I know exactly where your red-headed pals are right now. I've known all along. Don't play me for a fool, Carmilla."

Fear struck hard and sharp through Carmilla's heart. 

"Mother," she said in a low voice. "Don't hurt them."

"Oh, I'm not planning on it just yet. In fact, I'll give you all a little head start."

Carmilla stared at her.

She waved her hand. "Go on. Warn them. It doesn't make a bit of difference to me. A hunt is more fun anyway." She grinned icicles at Carmilla.

Carmilla didn't wait to be told twice. She slipped the burner out of her pocked and dashed off to find Laura, dialing LaFontaine's number as she went. Behind her, Lilita chuckled to herself and took another bite of a new gingerbread victim. She found them surprisingly delicious.

"Carmilla? I thought we weren't supposed to call."

"Change of plans. You need to get out of there _now_."

"What? Why? We're almost done."

"My mother knows you're there. You won't be safe much longer. Just take what you have and go."

"Oh, _shit."_  A brief pause, while LaFontaine relayed this information to the others. Then, they returned. "Without you?"

"Just go. We'll meet you in Canada."

"What about the files? How do we get them to Laura?"

"I don't know. It doesn't matter. Just get out of there."

Carmilla entered the kitchen and found Laura refilling the apple cider. "I have to go. See you soon." She hung up and grabbed Laura's hand. "Come with me." 

"Carm," she laughed. "I'm busy."

Carmilla spun Laura around to face her, and all it took was one look into Carmilla's eyes to let Laura know something was very, very wrong.

So she allowed Carmilla to lead her upstairs, and together they made it look to outsiders like they were off to have some very not PG-13 fun. But Laura could clearly tell Carmilla was agitated.

Once upstairs and out of sight, Carmilla pushes Laura into their room and locked the door behind both of them. "Laura." Her eyes burned with the beginnings of tears.

"Carm? What's wrong?"

"You- You have- She- Get your things." When Laura didn't move, she shouted, "Hurry!"

"Carmilla, calm down. What's going on?" 

Laura reached for her, but Carmilla just shook her head. Her mouth twisted with the effort of holding back tears. "She knows."

"What?"

"My mother. She knows everything. You have to go, _now."_

Laura swallowed hard. "You say that like you're not coming with me."

"I have to take care of this first."

Laura crossed her arms and stood firm. "I'm not leaving without you."

"You have to."

"No."

Carmilla sighed. "Fine. Go to Grand Central. Get a ticket for the twelve o'clock and wait for me there. If I don't make it, then..." She paused. "You know. And you have to leave. Okay?"

Laura began to cry. "Carmilla, no," she whispered.

 

"Laura, listen to me." She grabbed Laura's shoulders. "Listen."

Laura sniffled and looked up at her. "Please, Carm."

They both remembered. Carmilla on the floor. Carmilla crying.

_"Please, Laura."_

 

Carmilla spoke quickly, trying to get her words out before the tears. "Whatever happens isn't your fault, okay?"

"Shut up."

"Laura-" 

"No!" Laura threw her arms around Carmilla and sobbed against her. "You're not going to die. You're not."

A tear worked its way out of Carmilla's eye. "Oh, Laura," she sighed, and she kissed the top of Laura's head.

Laura cried and cried. This wasn't happening. This wasn't happening.

"Laura, sweetheart, you have to go. Come on." Carmilla pried Laura's arms off of her. 

"You're going to be there. Before twelve. You're going to be there."

"I-"

"I won't go unless you promise me you're going to be there."

Carmilla tucked a strand of hair behind Laura's ear. "I'll be there."

"Promise?"

Carmilla looked down.

"Carm-"

"Remember, if I don't come, you have to leave without me."

Laura desperately gulped in air. "But you'll be there."

Carmilla bent her head down and kissed her. 

If you've been lucky enough to have loved someone and to have them love you then you may know what this is like. Kissing someone that you know, in all likelihood, you may lose. Kissing like this is the last time, like nothing will be left after this. It's now when your love is the strongest and your heart is the weakest and everything in you begs to never let go. If only your lungs were stronger. If only you had more time.

"Oh god, Laura, I love you so much."

"You said you would never leave me."

"I know."

"If you really loved me then you'd stay."

She was crying and Carmilla knew nothing she could say would make her stop.

* * *

Laura came down the stairs, holding herself with a regal air. She strode over to the speakers and cut the music. Everyone stopped and stared at her.

"Hi everyone," she said. "I'm really sorry about this but I'm going to have to cut the party short. My dad is in the hospital," she lied. 

There's nothing people hate more than being reminded of their own mortality, so it didn't take long for the house to empty out. Laura was offered many condolences, and she accepted them with deference.

The only one who didn't leave was Lilita. She stayed in the kitchen, happy to have the gingerbread to herself. Laura was acutely aware of her presence, but chose to ignore her. 

Carmilla came down the stairs, holding Laura's bags. She handed them to Laura. "I'll catch up with you there, okay, sweetheart?"

"Okay." Laura opened the door, but then she dropped her bags and kissed Carmilla one last time. "I love you," she whispered.

Carmilla smiled sadly. "I love you too." 

Laura picked her bags up again and walked out. One last glance at Carmilla, and then the door shut.

Carmilla returned to the living room. "I know you're in here."

Lilita stalked into the living room. She was wearing her coat again. "Parting is such sweet sorrow."

"Hello, mother."

"Oh, Carmilla. My darling child." She walked right up to Carmilla and pinched her chin between two of her sharp fingernails. "How I've missed you."

"That's a lie." 

She cackled, ignoring Carmilla. "All these years, I thought you were gone for good. I thought you'd be smart enough to run far from this place and never look back. Never had I imagined you'd be helping a ragtag group of millennials destroy the company." She sighed. "Have you forgotten about what happened to your high school sweetheart? What was her name...Eva? Elizabeth?"

"Elle," Carmilla spat. "And I'm doing this for her."

Lilita sighed. "That's a shame."

"Why?"

"Because she doesn't need any memorializing."

"You're sick," Carmilla hisses.

"Now what makes you say that?"

"You, here, talking about her like she was nothing."

Lilita laughed. "Oh. You have no idea, do you?"

Carmilla's brow furrowed. She didn't say anything.

"She doesn't need any memorializing because she's not dead, Carmilla."

"No. You're lying. I saw her die."

Lilita rolled her eyes, as if she couldn't imagine how stupid Carmilla was. "No you didn't."

Oh god.

She was right. 

"Elle's...alive?"

"Yes," Lilita said. Her hand slipped into her coat pocket as she sighed, "But soon, you won't be."

She pulled out a gun and, in one swift movement, pointed and shot.

The bullet went straight through Carmilla's right shoulder and embedded itself in the wall several feet behind her. Carmilla crumpled to the ground with a scream, clutching her shoulder with her left hand. She knew it could have been worse. But it still hurt like hell.

She withdrew her hand slowly and stared at it. Blood dripped from her fingers. Her vision swam.

Lilita loomed over her. She pointed the gun straight at Carmilla's head. "Sweet girl," she whispered, and as Carmilla panted on the floor below her mother, she thought she saw her eyes glistening. Tears?

Carmilla shut her eyes and pictured Laura. Laura, who she'd promised to return to. Laura, who she loved. Laura in her black dress, Laura dancing, Laura laughing, Laura crying, Laura in a long coat struggling with grocery bags and her hair up in a messy bun the day they first met.

_Laura, I love you._

_Laura, I'm sorry._

_I love you I love you I love you._

_Laura._

The gun went off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, this chapter's title came from Cosmic Love by Florence + The Machine.
> 
> ...
> 
> All I can say is >:)


	18. Ginterlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Featuring an epic heist, "technical difficulties," and a familiar face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So you're probably all wondering "Hey, so what's the rest of the squad up to? How did the heist go?" I bet that's the most pressing question on everyone's minds right now. >:) Well, wonder no more! I present to you: The Ginterlude! 
> 
> Look, I'm really proud of that pun. Humor me, okay?
> 
> So without any further ado, let's check in on those gingers of ours, shall we?
> 
> (We'll return to our regularly scheduled programming soon. I promise.)
> 
> TW for blood and implied violence at the end.

 

 

Four hours earlier.

 

"Are you serious?"

LaFontaine, JP, and Perry glanced at each other, then at Danny.

"What?" LaFontaine said.

Danny rolled her eyes. "I know we agreed to wear black, but you don't think the ski masks are just a tad overkill? It's not like anyone will see us."

She was right; JP had written and delivered a virus into the Silas systems an hour before that had disabled all the video cameras in the building.

"Psh. You're just jealous you didn't bring one."

"That's not even remotely-"

"Here." LaFontaine rummaged in their otherwise empty backpack and removed another black ski mask, then offered it to Danny.

Danny huffed and took it, pulling it over her head.

"Knew it."

"Whatever."

"Come on, everyone," Perry hissed, eyeing a nearby security camera mounted just below the Silas sign suspiciously, despite the fact that its familiar red light was off. "We don't have a lot of time."

"Yeah, the script will only be active for three more hours, max," JP piped up.

"And you two have spent at least five precious minutes squabbling." Perry grabbed Danny's left arm and LaFontaine's right. "Let's _go."_

They got into the building easily enough. LaFontaine's normal work key card was enough to bypass the front door's security. Once inside the four of them just hopped over the turnstiles without bothering to scan and climbed the now-inactive escalator to reach the main concourse.

"Are those the elevators?" JP asked, pointing to the elevator bank.

"Yep," LaFontaine confirmed. Their voices echoed in the vastness of the deserted concourse. Moonlight poured through the wall of windows and sent the group's shadows skittering across the floor.

"And you're certain there's no one here?" Perry asked anxiously as they approached the elevators. "No lone janitors or interns to surprise us?"

"No one," LaFontaine sighed. "Not even Lilita, right, Jeep?"

He shook his head.

"How would you know?" Danny asked, and her tone was less accusatory than genuinely curious.

He smiled sheepishly as he pressed the call button for one of the elevators. "Before I turned the cameras off, I... well, hacked into them. And looked. Her office was empty."

"You can _do_  that?" Danny whistled. "Damn."

"Oh master," LaFontaine sighed, "teach me your ways."

Perry was the only one who was not impressed. "As soon as we get home, I'm covering every webcam in the house," she muttered under her breath.

The elevator arrived then with a loud ding that was only made louder by the silence of the building and caused everyone to cringe. Its doors slid open, and they piled in.

"Okay..." LaFontaine handed them each one of the doctored key cards. "Keep this on you at _all times."_ They took theirs and inserted it into a small slot below the other buttons. A portion of the metal slid away to reveal another, smaller button pad with a button for each of the sublevels. LaFontaine pressed the button labeled "10."

The elevator gave a lurch, and then plunged sharply downwards. None of them were prepared for that. But the group's screams subsided as the elevator eventually slowed, mere seconds later.

The doors slid cheerfully open, depositing them on the tenth and final sublevel. The little party stumbled out, dizzy and confused, except somehow for Perry who recovered almost freakily quickly.

"No one told me we were gonna be riding the tower of terror," LaFontaine said, grimacing.

Perry turned to them and sighed, hands on her hips. "It really wasn't that bad."

The other three gave her a look. She shrugged. "What?"

Danny rolled her eyes. She was a few shades paler. "Let's just find the files and get out of here. JP, you have the map, right?"

He whipped out his phone in response. The pdf of the floor plan of the sublevel glowed on the screen.

The elevator had left them at the end of a long corridor with dark blue walls. White fluorescent lights dimmed and flickered above it. Another door was visible at the end. "We have to go through there," JP said, pointing to it.

The quartet walked down the corridor. The door required a key card, and LaFontaine happily obliged. 

Once through there, they found themselves in a circular antechamber with four more doors leading out of it into separate rooms. The doors all required key card access as well. Danny peered through the glass of one of the doors. It led to another hallway.

"Which one?" she asked.

JP consulted the map and pointed to the second door from the left. "That one."

Perry was the closest to the door, so she scanned everyone in. The hallway behind this door split into a T at the end, and JP directed them to the right. Another split, and this time to the left. Then right again. At last they found themselves in front of a final door. Behind the glass, they could see the filing cabinets and lockers containing the precious information they sought.

LaFontaine scanned their card over the usual sensor. The light turned green, indicating access had been granted. They grabbed the handle and pulled.

The door didn't open.

They pulled harder.

Locked.

LaFontaine frowned. "What the heck?"

"Let me try." Danny scanned her card. The green light still flashed, but the door didn't open. 

Perry and JP tried. Same results.

"Huh." LaFontaine squinted at the sensor, examining it more closely. "I wonder..."

They never finished their thought, for suddenly, much as it had done in the elevator, a well-hidden panel of metal in the door slid aside. Except instead of a pad of buttons, it revealed-

"A- a retina scanner?" LaFontaine stammered.

Danny's eyes widened. "A _what?"_

JP came up close next to LaFontaine to see for himself. "No," he said firmly. "No, this can't be right. They aren't supposed to have these."

"Well, they clearly do!" Danny exclaimed, throwing her hands up in frustration.

Perry was inhaling and exhaling to keep calm. "It's fine," she said, her voice higher than she wanted it to be. "It's fine. We'll figure something out. At least it's not a trap."

At that exact moment, a red timer appeared on the top of the screen of the retina scanner, counting down from five minutes.

Danny whirled around to Perry. "Do go on," she hissed.

"Okay, okay, there has to be something we can do," LaFontaine muttered. "Jeep, can we bypass this somehow?"

He shook his head. "I would need a computer and way longer than five minutes."

They groaned. "And I'm assuming we can't run."

"Unless we can get all the way back to the elevator and up to the main floor before the-" he shot a glance to the timer, "-four minutes and forty-three seconds are up, we can't."

"W-what happens if the time runs out?" Perry asked tremulously.

"I don't know for sure, but I'm assuming that an alarm will sound when the time runs out, and this building is high-tech enough that I would be really surprised if all the doors _didn't_  lock instantly when it does."

Danny ripped off her ski mask and pushed her hair out of her face with both hands. "Jesus Christ."

"So basically," Perry said, "we're stuck."

"Screwed is a better word for it," Danny moaned.

LaFontaine's phone buzzed then. They moved off to the side and out of JP's way and checked it. It was from Carmilla.

 

**How's it going?**

 

"Four minutes," JP called.

LaFontaine typed their response, hoping the caps lock would get the urgency across.

 

_WE ARE HAVING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES. BUT EVERYTHING IS FINE._

 

"Maybe one of us should just try our eye," Danny said. "I mean, how different can my eye be from some twisted records keeper?"

"You'd be surprised," LaFontaine said, slipping the phone back into their pocket only to have it vibrate a second later. They checked again and almost dropped it. "Oh my god."

"What now?" Danny covered her eyes with her hands.

"Remember how we told Laura that Lilita Morgan definitely wouldn't go to her party?"

"She went to her party, didn't she?"

LaFontaine nodded. "We really have to hurry."

"Luckily we don't have much of a choice," JP said dryly. "Three minutes."

"Okay, _think_ , people!" LaFontaine massaged their temples. "How do we get past an eye scan?"

JP had pulled out his phone and was staring at it intently.

"Um, 'scuse me, but now is NOT the time to check your instagram," Danny snapped, tapping him on the shoulder.

He ignored her, a smile spreading over his face. "We trick it."

"What?" LaFontaine stared at him. "How?"

He held up his phone. It was an article, undoubtedly from the dark web or something, listing various different types of eye scanners. "What we are looking at, ladies and gentleperson, is an IRIS retinal scanner. It was once thought to be the most secure retinal scan out there, until a famous hacker figured out a super easy way to bypass it. Only, it didn't make the news big-time because most ordinary people don't use retinal scanners on their houses."

LaFontaine spoke very quickly. "This is super interesting and I'll talk about it more with you on the train to Canada but first we have to live to get on the train to Canada, so just tell us what to do."

He shook his head. "It really is so simple. I can't believe it."

"Get to the POINT," Danny said, her voice low and dangerous. 

The timer clicked down to two minutes, thirty seconds.

"All we need is a super high-res picture of a cleared eye. Even one we find on google will work as long as it's high enough resolution."

Danny looked ready to explode. "And how the hell are we supposed to find someone who we know has clearance?"

LaFontaine's eyes widened in comprehension. "I can think of one person."

Perry and Danny's eyes quickly followed suit.

"Okay, everyone start looking for a picture of Lilita," LaFontaine ordered. "How high-res should it be, Jeep?"

"As high as possible. You should be able to zoom in enough for it to fill the screen without too much distortion."

They all pulled out their phones and began to search. The timer ticked away.

Finally, with thirty seconds left, it was Perry who emerged the hero. She had found a very large poster of Lilita online, meant for a charity gala at which she was being honored. It was a very old photo, which explained why it had taken so long to find.

"Will this work?" she said hurriedly, shoving the phone under JP's nose.

The eye was crisp and clear, even zoomed-in as it was.

He nodded furiously. "Go, go, go!"

She leaped forward and held the screen up against the scanner with fifteen seconds to spare.

The remaining three watched with bated breath as a green laser ran over the image.

"Will it work with a phone screen?" Danny asked softly.

"We better hope to god it does," JP replied.

Perry was frozen, watching as the scanner ran its analysis.

And then, the scanner's screen lit up green, and a message appeared.

 

**WELCOME LILITA MORGAN.**

 

"Oh my god it worked." LaFontaine turned to JP. "It worked! It actually worked!" They threw their arms around him.

Perry raced back to the group and joined the hug in an uncharacteristic show of celebration. Danny enveloped them all in her long arms.

"Crushing... lungs..." JP managed to get out.

The ginger gang released him with varying degrees of embarrassment (except for LaFontaine, who was not embarrassed of anything they did). 

"Let's go," Perry said quickly. "The cameras won't be off for much longer."

They passed through the now-unlocked door into a huge room full of row after row of evidence lockers. 

"You got a map for this place?" Danny asked JP dryly.

"Unfortunately, no," he sighed, before realizing she did not expect a response. 

"Okay, divide and conquer." LaFontaine cracked their knuckles. "Everybody take a row."

"We're looking for one labeled LO336," Perry reminded them. 

The group dispersed and began to search.

About twenty minutes passed before Danny called, "Uh, guys, you're gonna want to see this."

The others reconvened in her row, which, as it turned out, had not one but two evidence lockers labeled LO366. Danny had opened the first one, and the others crowded around her to see the contents for themselves.

Filling the locker were boxes and boxes of paper. Security footage and test results from the lab. Expense reports. Photographs. The hardest of evidence. It was a journalist's wet dream.

"Oh my goodness," Perry gasped.

Danny grinned. "Jackpot."

* * *

They had a good system going.

LaFontaine and JP combed through the evidence, determining which files would do the most damage and setting them aside. Danny and Perry took photographs of them so they would have a backup in case they were to lose the originals, then put them in their backpacks. 

Though it sounds tedious, it actually went pretty quickly. They were halfway through the second locker when LaFontaine found what appeared to be a request for "termination" of a test subject. Lilita's signature was at the bottom. They shivered and decided to text Carmilla.

 

 

 

_You're not going to believe some of the stuff they keep down here._

 

**Like what?**

 

_Financial records, phone records, you name it. And get this- all the forms have your mom's signature on them._

 

**Okay. Grab as much as you can. Hurry.**

 

Only a few moments later, LaFontaine's burner buzzed. They pulled it out to see, instead of a text, an incoming call.

Confused, they answered.

"Carmilla? I thought we weren't supposed to call." They handed Danny a grant request from the lab, which had been approved by Lilita's signature.

"Change of plans. You need to get out of there, _now."_

Something was wrong. LaFontaine could hear panic in Carmilla's voice, and she didn't strike them as someone who panicked often.

"What? Why? We're almost done."

The others turned to look at them with furrowed brows and confused stares.

"My mother knows you're there. You won't be safe much longer. Just take what you have and go."

"Oh, _shit_."

"Oh shit what?" Danny said slowly.

LaFontaine clapped a hand over the mouthpiece of the phone. "Lilita's on to us."

"What?" Danny whirled around to face JP. "How is that even possible?"

He held up his hands. "I don't know! My code was good. No one could have interfered with it." He pointed to a camera in the corner. Its light was out. "See? It's still off. I have no idea how she found out."

Perry went absolutely pale. "I knew it. I knew we couldn't get away with this." She looked like she was going to be sick. "We're going to die, aren't we? We're all going to die."

"Oh no, we're not." LaFontaine started grabbing files from the boxes at random. "To hell with the system. We have to get out of here."

The others only hesitated for a millisecond before following LaFontaine's lead. LaFontaine returned to the phone.

"Without you?" they asked.

"Just go," Carmilla said, and her voice was shaking. "We'll meet you in Canada."

"What about the files? How do we get them to Laura?"

"I don't know. It doesn't matter. Just get out of there." 

A click. 

LaFontaine stared at the blank screen. 

"What did she say?" JP asked.

They snapped back to the present. "We're moving up the timetable. Straight to the train after this."

"Without them?" Perry asked.

"Without them," they confirmed.

Danny looked less than pleased with this, but said nothing and continued to grab files.

This new sense of urgency allowed them to fill their backpacks to capacity in less than five minutes, and then they were out of there, running as fast as they could with several pounds of paper on their backs. JP consulted the map as they ran, calling out turns as they approached them. "Left!" he yelled. "Left! Right!"

In no time, they were back at the elevator. LaFontaine managed to insert their key card, though it took a few tries due to their shaky, nerve-addled hands. They punched the button for the main floor.

Up the elevator went, and as it did JP reminded everyone to make sure their masks were on properly because the cameras could turn back on any second now. The elevator arrived at the concourse and the team bolted out, running across the marble floor and down the escalator and leaping over the turnstiles and sprinting out the door. 

The second they were out of range, the security camera mounted outside the front doors whirred to life, its red light blinking like an unforgiving eye.

* * *

Before she was fired from her job at Planet Fitness, Natalie thought she had the most boring job in the world.

Now, she worked the evening shift at McDonalds.

Nobody ever came in at this time of night. It was the one am'ers who were the real riots. But she never got those shifts. Instead she was working now, at 10:00 PM, when people were off eating at real restaurants. Or at home. Or dancing, or partying, or doing whatever it was people in this city with daytime jobs did.

She sighed and tapped her nails on the counter. She wondered if her boss would notice if she ate just a few fries.

Just then, the door burst open, and a ridiculously tall person dressed in all black and wearing a ski mask flew through it. 

Natalie froze.

They didn't mention "what to do in case of an armed robbery" in her training.

She supposed being held up would make a good story, assuming she lived to survive it.

But then, the person reached up and removed their mask, unleashing a full head of the reddest hair Natalie had ever seen. She could now see that the "robber" was a girl.

"Three big mac meals, one fillet o' fish meal and a twenty-piece nuggets, please. Oh, and does that come with fries?"

Natalie stared.

"Listen, I'm in kind of a rush."

"Oh. Yeah. Sorry. The sandwiches all come with medium fries and a drink."

"Can you upgrade those to large fries?"

"I mean, it costs extra."

"I don't care."

Still a bit disoriented, Natalie entered the order into the cash register. "That'll be thirty dollars and thirty-three cents."

The girl handed her two twenties. Natalie made the change and shouted the order to Jeremy in the kitchen.

She and the redhead stood there for a few awkward minutes, staring at each other.

"So, uh, busy night?" 

"You have no idea."

The food arrived. Natalie took four soft drink cups from beneath the counter and handed them to the girl with the food.

"Thanks for not robbing me," she joked.

The girl looked confused for a second, then glanced down at her outfit and laughed. "Thanks for not calling the police." 

Part of her sounded serious.

She filled the drink cups and left, bounding out the door with those long legs. 

The door swung shut and Natalie was alone again. She almost wished the girl would come back. 

It was undoubtedly the most interesting thing to ever happen to her at work.

* * *

LaFontaine stared at their phone at the text they had sent to Carmilla an hour ago.

 

_Sent the files to Laura. On the train. See you soon._

 

It was true. They _had_  managed to send the files to Laura, or at least some of them. Perry and Danny had emailed her the pictures they had taken. They assumed they would be able to give her the rest when they saw her.

Carmilla still hadn't responded.

"Fry?" Perry offered.

LaFontaine took it gratefully and pocketed their phone.

Danny and JP sat in the seats facing LaFontaine and Perry, ravenously devouring their big macs. Dirty looks were flung their way by the other passengers as the scent of grease and fast food filled the car. But they were too hungry to care.

LaFontaine nibbled on the fry. They had been hungry earlier, but they couldn't stop thinking about Lilita and their friends. Did they make it to the train? Why hadn't Carmilla responded? Had something happened? It was enough to make them lose their appetite. 

"You should eat, sweetie," Perry said softly, patting their leg.

LaFontaine chuckled. "That's the first time I've ever heard you encourage me to eat fast food."

Perry sniffed. "Don't think this is going to be a regular occurrence, LaFontaine. I'm going to make us a kale salad as soon as we get to Laura's house."

"Please don't say the K word."

Perry placed the takeout bag in their lap. "Enjoy this while it lasts."

LaFontaine picked up the burger and looked out the window. The Hudson River was black in the darkness. 

They took a bite.

Okay, maybe they hadn't lost their appetite after all.

* * *

Laura waited anxiously at the station. She had bought her ticket already. It was only 11:40. _It's okay,_  she thought. _Carmilla's got twenty minutes,_  she thought. _She has time. She'll be here. She'll be here._

Her eyes combed the crowd again, searching for her raven-haired girlfriend. Suddenly, she noticed a familiar woman stalking towards her. Her body stiffened with anger, not fear.

Lilita walked up to her, grinning maniacally.

"You can stop waiting for your girlfriend," she said. "She's not coming."

"What did you do to her?"

Lilita shrugged. "What do you think I did?"

Laura felt a cold dread settle in her heart. "You wouldn't have."

"Oh, but I would."

"She's your daughter."

"She was my daughter."

Laura shook her head emphatically. "No. No, you're lying. You don't have the balls."

Lilita sighed and took her phone out of her pocket. She patiently scrolled through it, ignoring Laura's growing agitation in front of her. 

At last, she smiled in triumph and held out the screen to face Laura. "Then how do you explain this?" she asked, and her smile only grew wider. 

Laura's face faltered, then crumbled completely.

It was a picture of Carmilla's body, splayed out on the floor of the brownstone's living room. There was a small red hole in the center of her forehead, and a trickle of red running out of it and down the side. Tendrils of the raven hair she'd been looking for moments earlier floated in a large pool of dark red liquid around her head and shoulder.

Laura stared at the photo in horror. Her lower lip trembled dangerously. She rose her head to glare at Lilita, her eyes filled with fury and tears.

Lilita finally pocketed the phone. "While this has been lovely, I'm sure you have a train to catch, and I wouldn't want to keep you from it." She smiled that shark-like smile again before stalking away from Laura and back into the crowd. Laura stared after her, watching her bun bobbing and her coat swinging until she was at last swallowed by the commuter traffic. She couldn't move, she couldn't think, she couldn't breathe.

Suddenly she was inside a stall in the bathroom, leaning against the grimy metal and clutching the rail like she couldn't stand without it (and she probably couldn't). She didn't remember how she got there. She assumed she must have run there, desperate for privacy. But she could not remember any of that. All she knew was that Carmilla was dead and she was crying, she was sobbing, she was wailing. Her chest was aching and her lungs were screaming for her to stop, please, but she couldn't stop she couldn't stop she couldn't.

She tried closing her eyes but it was burned into her eyelids, it seemed, Carmilla lying on the ground, her beautiful hair soaked in her own blood, the hole in her head, the trickle down the side staining her perfect milky white skin.

_Carmilla._

"Oh god, oh god."

_Carmilla._

_Carmilla is dead._

_The love of my life is dead._

_It's all because of me._

Laura should have listened to her. She was scared, she didn't want to do any of this, and Laura made her and she was so scared and she did it for Laura, she did it for Laura, and now she was dead.

Carmilla was dead.

Carmilla wasn't coming to meet her at the train-

The train.

As her sobs slowed, Laura pulled her phone out to check the time. 11:50. Her train was leaving in ten minutes.

Carmilla wasn't coming.

She swiped at her cheeks angrily. Lilita was after her, and Carmilla was gone, and Laura knew she had to get to Canada as soon as possible unless she wanted to join her now.

A small part of her did.

But she had to finish this. If she didn't, Carmilla had died for nothing. 

She left the stall and exited the bathroom and headed for the platform, her jaw set, her face hardened.

She had a train to catch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BEFORE YOU COME RUNNING INTO MY INBOX WITH TORCHES AND PITCHFORKS, I'M GOING TO COME OUT AND SAY IT: CARMILLA IS NOT DEAD. She's not dead. Say it with me: Carmilla. Is. Not. Dead. I decided to be outright about it because I would never ever play into the "dead lesbian" trope, not even in fanfiction, and I wanted you guys to know that. I know how upsetting it is when show writers do that, and so I thought it best to assuage your fears and assure you, she is not dead. This curveball was mostly just put in to follow the canon of season one and add some more drama. But no, she's not dead. I would not and will not kill her. <3
> 
> But I will also say, that photo Lilita showed Laura is one hundred percent real. I mean, when would she have had the time to photoshop it? 
> 
> So, if you want to know how Carmilla *survived,* then you'll have to stick around. ;)


	19. it seems i've made the final sacrifice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The End.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's title came from Rabbit Heart (Raise it Up) by Florence + The Machine. Once again I am putting it here in case you'd like to listen with this chapter.
> 
> Here we are. The end of the line.
> 
> Please read the note at the end of the chapter. I love you all.
> 
> "Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more."
> 
> TW: blood.

 

 

It took Carmilla a while to realize she was not, in fact, dead.

When the gun went off, she had passed out immediately. Now she was coming to, and boy was she confused.

_Is this hell?_   she wondered. _It looks a lot like home._

Indeed, there was the familiar grey couch on her left, the steep stairs on her right, the polished hardwood floor beneath her body and her blood.

Maybe in some astonishing twist of fate she had ended up in heaven instead.

Suddenly, pain flared in her shoulder, hot and excruciating.

She thought all pain ended in the afterlife. It was the part of the reason why she had never feared death.

(Before she met Laura, that is.)

Carmilla blinked to clear her eyes, which had begun to water as soon as she awoke. She remembered that she had been shot not once but twice. 

_"Sweet girl."_

She slowly reached her fingers to her forehead to feel the hole created by the bullet that had ended her.

She was met with a swath of smooth, albeit sticky, skin.

No hole. 

She withdrew her fingers and stared at them. They were already stained from earlier, when she had grabbed her shoulder after the first bullet. Now they had a fresh coat of the slick liquid she assumed was her blood. 

But that blood had not come from her brain.

"Holy shit," Carmilla murmured.

Her mother didn't shoot her.

She wasn't dead.

Slowly, she attempted to stand. Her shoulder screamed in protest and she clutched it again. But this time, her hand came away clean.

She wasn't bleeding anymore.

Carmilla pulled down the sleeve of her sweater to examine her shoulder. To her surprise, the wound had been patched up. A piece of gauze bound against it with medical tape. No blood.

The only person that could have done this was her mother.

_Why?_  

Regardless.

Now that she wasn't dead, she had a promise to keep.

Carmilla pulled the burner phone out of her pocket. It was eleven. There was a message from LaFontaine.

_Sent files to Laura. On train now. See you soon._

The message was sent an hour ago.

Moving as quickly as her shoulder would allow, Carmilla headed to the bathroom and grabbed the first aid kit Laura stored under the sink, just in case. As she stood up, she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror.

There was a now-faded spot of blood on her forehead, the size and shape of a bullet hole. Carmilla licked her thumb and wiped it off, just to confirm what she already knew. There was no wound beneath it. 

Her hair, soaked from an hour lying in a puddle of blood, dripped on the tiles. She briefly considered washing it, but finally just gave it a cursory wring in the sink to stave off the dripping and left the bathroom. 

She grabbed her backpack from their room upstairs and slung it over her good shoulder. A final glance at the bedroom that had become so special to her in just a few weeks.

As an afterthought, Carmilla grabbed Laura's yellow pillow from the bed and shoved it into her backpack before finally leaving the room.

In the foyer, Carmilla struggled with getting her right arm inside her coat for a good ten minutes before deciding it was more trouble than it was worth. So she left it behind, picked up her bag again, and left the brownstone and entered the cold December night in only her bloodstained Grumpy Cat sweater. 

She hailed a cab. "Grand Central. Step on it."

The cabbie grumbled under his breath about "rude Americans" as he started to pull away from the sidewalk. But then he spied the bloodied cat scowling at him in his rearview and decided it was probably prudent to obey her request.

Carmilla and the terrified cabbie reached the station at 11:45. She thrust several of the largest bills in her yogurt container at him and stumbled out of the car without even waiting for change. All she could think of was Laura. Laura, her last thoughts in what she thought were her dying moments. Laura, who was probably worried sick. Into the station, down the marble ramp, ignoring the pain and only, _only_  thinking of Laura.

She quickly bought a ticket from an MTA employee who seemed like she had seen stranger things than a woman in a horrifically ugly Christmas sweater covered in blood buying a ticket for a midnight train. She probably had. This was New York, after all.

A quick glance at the clock in the center of the floor. 11:50.

There was still a crowd, even now. _This city never fucking sleeps,_  Carmilla thought, frowning as she scanned the concourse for her girlfriend.

There. 

Coming from the tunnel on the far side of the left staircase. Wearing the long tan coat from their first encounter. Red eyes, splotchy cheeks.

Over the loudspeaker, the announcer called for their train. Carmilla watched Laura turn around, heading for the tracks. She rushed forward, pushing through the crowd, her desire to reach Laura greater than the pain that tore through her shoulder like a knife. She was only thinking of Laura, could only see Laura, as Laura walked away from her.

Finally, the pain becoming too unbearable for her to move any faster, she screamed, "Laura!"

Laura stopped. 

Turned.

Saw her.

And she was running and she was crying and she was throwing her arms around Carmilla and kissing her.

Carmilla wanted so desperately to just melt into her and slip into the oblivion of her lips but Laura was tightening her grip and she had just gotten _shot._

"Oh god, are you hurt?" Laura gasped, pulling away and running her hands over Carmilla's face. "It looks like you're hurt and I'm sorry I hugged you so hard that you're hurt, it's just-  you were dead, and now you're not, and-" 

Carmilla shook her head. "No time." 

She grabbed Laura's hand and brought it down and away from her face and then they were running to the train together.

They made it just in time, slipping into the car right as the train whistled and began to move. Carmilla collapsed into the closest rubber seat, breathless, panting and sweating. Laura flopped down next to her. After she settled their bags, she turned her attention entirely to her girlfriend. 

Carmilla was pale and holding her right shoulder. Laura leaned towards her, her eyes asking for permission.

Carmilla nodded.

Laura slipped her fingers into the neck of Carmilla's sweater and pulled it down, and saw the covered wound. She looked at Carmilla, questioning and frightened and upset all at once. "Carmilla?"

Carmilla looked up at her. 

"The bitch shot me," she said.

Laura let out a watery laugh. "I can see that."

"Hurts like hell."

"Oh, Carm." Laura felt the tears threatening to spill over.

Carmilla's gaze softened. "Hey," she whispered. "What is it? I'm okay."

Laura inhaled slowly. "Your mother came to me. Just now. Before you got here. She-" Laura tried to keep her voice calm. "She had a picture. Of your body–"

"She faked it," Carmilla rasped, swallowing as much air as she could. "She put the blood on my forehead to make it look like she shot me there. She got me in the shoulder so you couldn't tell the blood wasn't coming from my head. I don't know why, but I don't care."

Laura looked at her like she wanted to ask more, but she could sense that Carmilla was not in the mood for talking. So instead, Laura gathered her into her arms as gently as she could, and that's when the waterworks really got going. 

"Carmilla, I thought- you were dead- you looked dead- I thought- I thought you weren't coming back–" she sobbed, and Carmilla wished she could stop the hurting.

"I promised, didn't I?" Even though she had literally been shot less than two hours ago, she still managed a smirk.

Laura laughed through her tears again. "Yeah, I guess you did."

Carmilla's face grew solemn. "I love you, Laura," she breathed. "I'll always come back for you."

Too overcome to speak any further, Laura crashed her lips onto Carmilla's, and they kissed like they were the last things in each other's worlds.

* * *

Exhausted by her ordeal and soothed by the train's motion and Laura's presence beside her, Carmilla soon fell asleep. Laura took advantage of this and the train's free wifi to finish her report. She took out her laptop and found that the files had all been neatly sent to her.

She read through them first and found it hard to keep from crying as she read some of the atrocities that had been committed against these girls. A few of the documents were death certificates, and each listed the way in which the girl had perished. More than once she looked over at Carmilla's sleeping form to remind her that good did exist. 

She worked the entire 12 hours of the ride. Carmilla slept the entire 12 hours of the ride.

By the time they reached Canada, Laura had finished the report completely. She slid her laptop back into its sleeve as the train pulled into the station and managed to wake Carmilla up with only minor grouching on her girlfriend's past. 

They disembarked from the train and left the station with little issue, Laura supporting Carmilla and her sore shoulder as best she could. Outside Laura hailed another cab and helped Carmilla in, then gave the cabbie her father's address. During the ride, she helped Carmilla through the arduous process of changing her sweater–"You know it'll scare Dad into a heart attack if he sees you covered in blood, Carm."–and though it took the entire trip and a lot of cursing, by the time they pulled up outside of Laura's childhood home Carmilla's attire was more or less blood-free. 

What a comforting sight it was. The lawn was covered in snow and decorations, and Christmas lights adorned the porch overhang. A warm yellow glow could be seen through the windows, and Laura's heart swelled. Home.

After paying the driver, Laura helped Carmilla out of the cab before insisting on carrying all their bags to the door, despite her girlfriend's protests of "I still have one functioning arm, cupcake." 

"You've literally been shot, Carm," Laura responded. "It's my girlfriend-ly duty to baby you."

Carmilla sighed dramatically. "I suppose I can live with that." She shivered. "Christ, it's cold."

Laura turned to her and removed her scarf, and wrapped it tenderly around Carmilla's neck. "Why didn't you bring your coat?" she admonished gently.

Carmilla breathed in the scent of Laura, interwoven between the cotton fibers. "Too annoying."

"You knew you were going to Canada. In December. And you didn't wear a coat because it was 'annoying'?"

"Hey, you aren't allowed to get mad at me. I got shot."

Laura rolled her eyes and rang the doorbell. "You're going to milk this for all it's worth, aren't you?"

Carmilla grinned cheekily. "Would you expect anything less?"

The door opened then, and five rather expectant people were crowded behind it.

LaF. Perry. Danny. JP.

And of course, Laura's father.

Laura was the first to speak. "Hey, guys."

The group burst into an ecstatic clamor while ushering them inside.

"You made it!"

"How was the ride?"

"Did you see the snow?"

Mr. Hollis stepped forward to help with the bags, kissing his daughter on the cheek and giving Carmilla a one-armed hug, which Carmilla and her shoulder were both thankful for. 

"Good to see you, Carmilla," he said.

"Same to you, sir."

"For god's sake, enough with the formalities!" He laughed at the slightly worried look on Carmilla's face. "We're essentially family, Carmilla. Please, please call me Theo."

Carmilla didn't blush often, but one conversation with Mr. Hollis and already she was tomato-red. "Yes, s- Theo."

He just shook his head, laughed some more, and took their bags upstairs. 

As soon as he was out of earshot, the ginger squad gathered around them in a clump and began to whisper.

"What happened?" 

"How did your mom know?"

"Guys," Laura pleaded. "Back up a little. Carmilla really needs space right now."

Carmilla caught her eye and gave her a grateful look. Laura squeezed her hand gently. "Let's talk in the living room."

Laura got Carmilla settled on the sofa, draping the old afghan over her lap and making sure the cushions were propping her up enough. Her friends sat on the carpet in various degrees of relaxation, ranging from Perry's upright criss-cross-applesauce to LaFontaine just laying down on their back.

Laura's father came back downstairs. "Laur?"

Laura sprung up from tending to Carmilla. "Yeah, dad?"

"I'm going to get some stuff for dinner. I should be back in an hour."

"Okay." Laura skipped over to him and kissed him on the cheek. "Have fun."

Put off by her strange enthusiasm over grocery shopping, her father smiled at her a bit guardedly and ruffled her hair, then got his coat and headed out.

As soon as the door slammed, the inquisition properly began.

"What the hell happened to you guys?" Danny demanded. 

Perry nodded and crossed her arms. "After Carmilla's call, we were worried sick. Why didn't you let us know you were all right?"

"Sorry," Carmilla snarked, "I was just a tad preoccupied by literally taking a bullet for you dimwits."

LaFontaine's eyes widened. "Wait, you got _shot?"_

"Holy shit." Danny stared at Carmilla with newfound respect.

"You got SHOT?" Perry and JP said simultaneously, and in nearly the same alarmed intonation.

"It was her mother. She faked her death," Laura explained.

"Wow."

"That is so badass," LaFontaine breathed. 

Carmilla's lips quirked, and she rubbed her shoulder. "That's one way of putting it."

"But you're not, like, bleeding out or anything?"

"Not that I'm aware of."

LaFontaine sat up on their knees. "Want me to check it out? I _was_  a bio major, after all."

"Oh, would you?" Laura tackled them in a hug. "Thank you."

"No prob, L. At this point it's the least I could do." They glanced at Carmilla. "As long as Elvira promises not to bite me."

Carmilla rolled her eyes. "Where do all these vampire jokes _come_  from?"

Taking that as permission, LaFontaine scooted over to Carmilla's end of the couch and hoisted themselves up onto it. "Take your sweater off."

She couldn't resist. "At least buy me dinner first."

Laura leaned over from her place on the couch to hit her leg.

"Okay, but seriously, I can't take this thing off by myself."

Sighing, Laura joined her girlfriend on the other end of the couch. Several minutes and even more swear words later, the sweater was off, leaving Carmilla in just her bra in front of a group of people of whom she would have preferred at least 80% of them never saw her topless.

LaFontaine turned to Laura. "Got any gloves?"

Laura reached under the couch cushion and pulled out a compact first aid kit. Carmilla raised an eyebrow. "Maybe a hobby will distract your father from his incredible hypochondria."

LaFontaine pulled on a pair of latex gloves and reached for the wound covering. "This might hurt."

Carmilla's face remained impassive as she said, "Bring it," but her left hand reached for Laura's right, and she squeezed it very tightly as LaFontaine peeled back the gauze.

They poked around for a few moments before giving her a thumbs-up. "Well, whoever parched you up did a pretty good job. There don't seem to be any bullet fragments left. It went straight through, right?"

Carmilla nodded.

"Word. So I'm just gonna clean it a little more, but it's basically fine. I mean, you might need surgery to repair your muscle, but that's better than being dead." They waved a hand at Perry. "Perr, can you hand me an alcohol wipe?"

"Wait, surgery?"

Laura rubbed Carmilla's good arm comfortingly. "Don't worry about that right now."

Perry hurried forward to the couch and removed a wipe pack from the kit, then ripped open the paper and gave it to LaFontaine. They stabilized Carmilla's arm with one hand and gripped the wipe in the other. 

"I won't bullshit you. This is gonna hurt like hell."

Carmilla set her jaw. "Do it."

LaFontaine did it.

Laura was always amazed at just how many swear words Carmilla knew.

* * *

After Carmilla's wound had been successfully cleaned and Carmilla had said every swear word she knew in every language she knew at every conceivable volume, Laura decided to switch gears. 

Carmilla was curled up against her on the couch, unwilling to admit to the pain she was currently feeling in front of such a large audience. Laura offered her pain medication but she denied on the grounds that she would need it more tomorrow, and there was no use building up a premature resistance to the medicine's effects. Laura knew she was just being brave (and stubborn), but she didn't want to argue.

"So," Laura said. "Now that that's over, I can finally tell you that I finished my report this morning."

"Were the files we sent you enough?" Perry asked. "Because we grabbed more than we sent. We have them with us."

"It was more than enough. Thank you guys. Really." She smiled at them. "Without you, this never would have worked."

"So did you send it?" LaFontaine asked.

"Not yet." She blushed. "I didn't feel right doing it without you guys there."

Carmilla smiled and interlaced her fingers with Laura's. "Well, we're all here now, sweetheart."

Laura bit her lip. "So, I should do it now?"

"Yes," five voices said in unison.

"Are you sure? Because I bet news stations get tons of emails during the day and they probably don't check them in the middle of their lunch break and we wouldn't want it to get lost so maybe it's best if I just wai–"

Carmilla placed a hand on her knee and just looked at her.

Laura swallowed. "Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I'll do it now."

She got up and grabbed her laptop bag, the one bag she hadn't allowed her father to take upstairs, from where it was leaning against the other edge of the couch on the floor. She removed the computer and brought it back, then settled on the floor.

Her friends crowded around and Carmilla slid down off the sofa to be beside her. Laura lifted the laptop's screen, and the bright glow of an open word document illuminated all of their faces as if they'd just opened a treasure chest containing the Holy Grail or if they were staring into the dangling lure of a particularly large anglerfish.

Her report.

Laura hit save on it a couple of times for good measure. She logged into a fake Google account she had created for the sake of her anonymity, then uploaded the whole report into her Google drive. Just in case.

Then, through this account, she created a new email.

As her friends looked on, she added the email addresses of every single tip line of every single major news outlet she could think of. CNN. BBC. ABC. NBC. Even FOX.

And then she attached her report.

In PDF form, of course.

Laura looked around at everyone. LaFontaine. Perry. Danny. JP. They had only been in danger because of her, and helped her anyway.

And Carmilla.

God, _Carmilla._

Her mouth opened slightly as she and Carmilla locked eyes and oh, she loved her, she loved her more than she knew how to describe. She loved her like she was the axis her world turned on. And even though she had forced Carmilla right back into a mess she had tried her whole life to run away from, Carmilla loved her anyway.

Carmilla loved her.

Carmilla fought for her.

Carmilla took a bullet for her.

She could read Carmilla's eyes easily. 

_Everything. Everything. I did it all for you._

And now, Laura could do this not just for her friends, not even just for those girls, but for Carmilla.

As if she could hear Laura's thoughts, Carmilla smiled the smallest of smiles. 

She squeezed Laura's hand tightly.

And Laura hit send.

* * *

The afternoon and night that followed were, comparatively, very anticlimactic.

With nothing left to do but wait, the little band used some of their time to—what else—nap. Danny slept on the couch, JP on a blow-up mattress on the floor beside the couch. LaFontaine and Perry got the guest room, and Laura and Carmilla decided to upgrade to Laura's father's queen-sized bed, seeing as it was the middle of the day and he wouldn't be sleeping in there for at least another few hours.

Carmilla went up to the bedroom a bit before Laura while she helped JP operate the pump for the mattress. After she'd gotten him settled, Laura headed upstairs herself.

She was approaching the room when she heard what sounded like whimpering coming from within. Slowly she peeked through the door, and she was not too surprised to spy Carmilla grimacing in pain as she tried to remove her sweater on her own. What did surprise her was the wetness in Carmilla's eyes that only increased with each failed attempt to escape the fabric. She grew more and more frustrated, and finally she let out a furious snarl and flung her arms out angrily. "Argh!"

But the motion was not a wise one for someone with a fresh shoulder injury, and Carmilla let out a loud gasp of pain and grabbed the offending joint. A few tears fell from her eyes before she managed to stop them.

Laura slipped away before Carmilla noticed her, down the hall and down the stairs and into the kitchen. She filled a glass with water and then returned to the bedroom.

This time, she made a loud entrance so as not to take Carmilla by surprise. When she opened the door this time, Carmilla was sitting stiffly on the bed in her jeans and sweater. She wiped her eyes hastily before looking up and giving Laura a tight smile. "Hey."

Laura walked over to her. "Hey." She sat down on the bed beside her. "How are you feeling?"

Carmilla chuckled. "Like I just got shot."

Laura frowned and reached around her to put the water on the nightstand. "I'm sorry."

"Not your fault."

Laura walked into the master bathroom. "Tylenol or Advil?"

"Cupcake, I don't need–"

"Tylenol. Or. Advil?"

Carmilla sighed and gave in, as she always did. "You don't happen to have anything stronger, do you?"

Laura ran her finger over the various bottles in her father's medicine cabinet. The man had enough cold and pain meds to tip off the DEA. "This should do the trick." She grabbed a bottle of codeine and took it back to Carmilla.

"What's that?" Carmilla eyed the amber bottle with suspicion.

"The good stuff."

Carmilla watched as Laura opened the child-proof cap with much difficulty. She almost offered to do it for her before remembering that she couldn't. So she focused on reading the label to distract her from her uselessness. 

"Jesus. Where did your dad even get this?"

The lid popped open and Laura gave a cry of relief. "Like– like I– said, he's a– paranoid– man," she panted. 

"That doesn't answer the question." She leaned in and stage-whispered, "Is your dad a drug dealer?"

Laura looked affronted. "Of course not!" She measured out the codeine with its syringe. "He had back surgery last year, but he's got the pain tolerance of an ox, so he barely took any of this stuff." At Carmilla's expression of disbelief, she shrugged. "I know he doesn't look it, but he can handle a lot. Anyway, he kept the bottle around in case I got desperately injured when I came to visit. As if that would ever happen under his watch." She laughed.

Carmilla smiled, but it was cut short by a twinge of pain.

Laura's laughter ground to a halt. "Okay, let's put a stop to that. Open up."

Carmilla's lips parted, but then she shut them. "Will it taste bad?"

"Don't know. But I do know that it'll knock you out in two seconds."

At this, Carmilla opened her mouth as wide as it would go.

Laura rolled her eyes, but placed the syringe in Carmilla's mouth and pressed down on the plunger.

The medicated syrup rolled over Carmilla's tongue, stinging her taste buds and throat. She smacked her lips. "Hm. Absolute death, with a hint of toxic waste. Tastes about right."

Laura sighed. "Here you go, drama queen." She grabbed the water and handed it to Carmilla. "Drink."

Carmilla took it in her left hand and drank greedily. The water washed away the bitter taste. She smiled. Already she could feel the pain subsiding.

"Good?"

  
_"Really_ good."

Laura smiled softly at her girlfriend's slowly relaxing face. She got up and stood in front of her. "Let's get you out of this, huh?"

With the help of both Laura's hands and the medication flowing through Carmilla's veins, it was much easier to remove the sweater this time. Laura helped her take off her jeans too, then grabbed an old t-shirt from her bag and gently pulled it over Carmilla's head. She didn't bother trying to force sweatpants on her.

"That's better," she murmured.

"Uhhuuhhh," Carmilla slurred. Everything was so soft. This bed was so soft. Laura was so soft. 

Laura changed into her own PJ's. Carmilla watched, swaying as the meds attempted to drag her down into the beautiful land of unconsciousness. 

"So beautiful," she breathed.

Laura giggled. "I should drug you up more often." She walked back over to the bed and placed her hands lightly on Carmilla's arms. "Ready for bed, babe?"

Carmilla didn't reply. She was staring up at Laura's face, slack-jawed. "Are you really my girlfriend?"

"Yes, Carmilla. I'm really your girlfriend."

"Wow." She reached a hand up to touch Laura's cheek but couldn't quite reach, and the hand fell to rest over Laura's heart instead. 

A warmth spread from Laura's chest outward to the rest of her body. "Okay, lady killer. You need to get some sleep. Come on." She pulled the blankets back and helped Carmilla scoot backwards on the bed and slip beneath them. She lifted Carmilla's right arm and placed a pillow under it to support her shoulder, then climbed into bed beside her. 

"Loooora."

"Yes?" Laura yawned, rolling on her side to face her.

Instead of answering, Carmilla leaned in as far as she could and kissed Laura deeply.

Laura kissed her back until she felt Carmilla's lips stop moving, and then she pulled back slightly.

Carmilla had fallen asleep.

Laura tucked a strand of dark hair behind Carmilla's ear.

She had almost lost her. She would have never been able to see her again.

When Carmilla slept that was the only time her cheeks relaxed and her brow un-furrowed and she was free. That was all Laura wanted for her.

And if everything worked out, maybe Laura could make her face look like that all the time, even when she was awake.

Carmilla slept on, and Laura laid there beside her, committing her eyelashes and cheekbones and lips to memory.

* * *

Dinner was the most fun Laura had had in a long time.

It was her and her dad and Carmilla and Danny and LaF and Perry and JP laughing and talking and eating the delicious dinner her dad had made while the Christmas tree glowed in the corner. No one fought. No one got shot. 

In short, it was perfect. 

After dinner, Laura's dad broke out the board games, and that's when things really got crazy. Friendships and relationships were put to the test during Trivial Pursuit, Settlers of Catan, and a particularly intense game of charades. 

Carmilla, it turned out, was a natural at all of them. She was freakily good at guessing Laura's charades, often getting it right within mere seconds of Laura standing up to perform them without even cheating. She also knew a startling amount of strange history facts. But it wasn't enough to beat the combined brainpower of JP and LaFontaine during Trivial Pursuit. 

After being crushed by the Hollises (plus Carmilla) in yet another round of charades, the rest of the gang couldn't take it anymore and begged to adjourn and go to bed to spare more humiliation. Triumphant, Laura and Carmilla relocated to Laura's bedroom. 

Laura offered to fetch the codeine from her father's room, but Carmilla insisted the pain was manageable without drugs this time around. Laura didn't force it on her. 

They curled up in bed together, Carmilla laying on her left shoulder to face Laura. It was not her usual side, and she wasn't particularly pleased with the orientation. But the alternative was far less pleasant, so she put up with it.

"Hey," Laura said quietly.

"Hey."

"Are you okay?"

Carmilla closed her eyes for a minute, then opened them again. "Yeah."

"Okay." Laura fell silent.

A few minutes passed like this before Carmilla let out an exasperated breath. "It's idiotic."

Laura's eyes softened. "What is?"

"I just don't understand it." Carmilla carefully rolled onto her back and stared up at the ceiling. There weren't any glow-in-the-dark stars here, and she missed their comforting pinpricks of light. "She could have killed me. Why did she let me live? It doesn't make any sense."

Laura looked thoughtful. "Maybe she couldn't."

Carmilla's eyes flicked over to her. "She had a gun. Trust me, she could."

"That's not what I mean." Laura inhaled slowly. "Maybe she really did love you, Carm."

Carmilla scoffed, but it lacked conviction.

"You said it yourself. You were dangerous to the company. The board of directors probably wanted you dead as much as we thought she did. Maybe- Maybe she was going to kill you but she loved you and she couldn't, so she faked your death so that they would leave you alone."

She couldn't read Carmilla's expression in the dark. "If she did love me, she had a funny way of showing it."

"Hey, it's just a theory. I could be totally wrong." 

"You could be."

"I can't think of another explanation right now. But there could be one."

"Yeah." Carmilla was quiet for a few more minutes. Then she blew out more air, even more frustrated. "Before she... didn't shoot me, I guess, she said something."

Laura stayed quiet, but she reached over and took Carmilla's hand. 

Carmilla took a shaky breath. "She told me that... that Elle is alive."

Laura didn't react the way Carmilla expected her to. She didn't go stiff, she didn't gasp, she didn't even seem surprised. Instead, she just looked at Carmilla sadly. "Carm-"

Carmilla cut her off. "It's probably a lie." Her voice was unnaturally high. "I don't know why she would tell me if she didn't plan to kill me."

"Carm." Tears brimmed in Laura's eyes. 

"What?" 

Laura got out of the bed and pulled her laptop from its bag. She brought it back to the bed and opened it. She typed something quickly and waited as the results came up, blocking her screen from Carmilla with her body.

"Laura?" Carmilla struggled to sit up, and Laura immediately turned around in a rush of worry. 

"Hey, hey, slow down." She placed a hand on Carmilla's good shoulder. "You're hurt, remember?"

Carmilla blew a strand of hair out of her face and huffed. "I'm not a child."

Laura gave her a pointed glare, but helped her to sit up anyway, _slowly._  "You got shot."

Carmilla shrugged as best as she could with only one shoulder. Laura sighed and turned back to her computer. A few more clicks, and then she was sliding the laptop over to Carmilla just as she was in the middle of repeating, "What are you-"

Her voice trailed off as her eyes fell on the document on Laura's laptop screen.

It was a photocopy of one of the death certificates Laura had seen when they were on the train the day before. Blown up to nearly full-screen for maximum legibility so Carmilla wouldn't have to frantically zoom in to be sure that the name on the first line was what she thought (knew) it was.

_Elle Pearson_

_Time of death: 6:47 PM_

_Date: October 5, 2008_

_Cause of death: Brain aneurysm_

Unlike most ordinary death certificates, however, this one featured an extra line that Laura had found on the others from Silas as well. A disturbing one.

_Disposal: Incineration_

Carmilla couldn't hold back the strangled gasp that escaped her, as much as she tried to.

The sound wrenched Laura's heart and she felt the tears falling. She put her arm around Carmilla carefully, minding her shoulder. 

Carmilla stared at the screen for a good five minutes, breathing shallowly. If she had been alone she probably would have passed out by now. But Laura's presence was keeping her just calm enough that she remembered to breathe.

Just barely.

Carmilla turned her head to look at Laura and was not too surprised to find her hazel eyes wet and a few tears snaking down her cheeks.

"Carmilla, I'm _sorry,"_  she whispered.

Carmilla nodded, face blank, eyes vacant.

"She's dead," she murmured.

"Carm-"

Carmilla locked eyes with her and Laura fell silent.

"I know it was irrational," she began shakily, "but some small, _naive_  part of me thought..."

"I know."

"I just... I never..." Her eyes wandered back to the screen and now the glow was revealing that she, too, had been crying. 

Laura took both of her hands. Leaned in, gently touched her forehead with her own. 

Carmilla tore her eyes away from the screen and closed them tightly and finally allowed herself one sob.

Just one.

And then, finally, finally. After her mother's manipulation and lies. After eight long years of bitterness and confusion and painful, painful uncertainty.

She let Elle go.

* * *

_Incineration._

She hadn't even been buried in an unmarked grave. She had been burned.

Elle had always talked about getting cremated when she died. She told Carmilla to spread the ashes all around the world for her, in as many countries as she could. Carmilla had promised her she would. She would steal her mother's private jet and she would make the pilot take her to the seven wonders of the world and she would leave a little bit of Elle everywhere.

It had never ever been a question who would die first.

But neither of them could have known it would be like this.

They were so young. Too young. Too young for an ending like that. They should have had a normal heartbreak, not the borderline Shakespearean conclusion they received.

She told Laura all of this that night/early morning as they laid together once more in the positions they had been in to begin with. Laura listened with a patience Carmilla had never seen from her before. Absolutely no interruptions. Not even any gasps or murmurs of her name. Just her face, alternating between a pre-cry frown and a sad smile.

Carmilla did not cry anymore, though. 

She was finally at peace.

Even as she talked about it, _especially_ as she talked about it, she knew that she finally had the closure she needed.

Carmilla finally stopped talking and they just looked at each other.

Laura bit her lip.

Carmilla sighed. "Uh oh. There's that thinking face."

Laura smiled. "Nothing."

Carmilla gave her The Look.

Laura squirmed for a bit before finally succumbing to the power of Carmilla's eyebrows. "You'll think I'm a horrible person."

"Cupcake. You could literally murder someone and I would help you hide the body."

"No, you wouldn't. You'd help me kill them and then you would make _me_  hide the body."

"As true as that may be, you can't derail this conversation, buttercup." She managed to reach her right hand out, just a bit, to touch the side of Laura's face. "What is it?"

Laura took a breath, and her words came out on the exhale. "If Elle _was_  alive, would you– would we–"

Carmilla softened in comprehension. She moved her thumb slowly over Laura's cheekbone. 

"Laura, I loved Elle." Her eyes were sure. Serious. "I _love_  you."

Laura felt the air catch in her throat. 

"But... But you–" she tried.

"Oh, will you get it through your head already?" Carmilla chuckled. "I love you, Laura Hollis. I love you. _I am in love with you._  How many times do I have to say it?"

Laura wasn't laughing, which brought Carmilla back down immediately. Her eyebrows furrowed. "Laura?"

Laura didn't say anything for a few minutes, and when she finally spoke, she sounded so very small. "Please don't leave." _Again._

Carmilla felt an immediate twinge in her heart.

"Never," she replied.

Laura nodded, and now she was crying again, and Carmilla couldn't move forward to comfort her like usual but Laura felt no qualms in coming to her instead and curling up in the admittedly odd embrace of her single injured arm.

"I can't lose you," Laura rasped against Carmilla's chest.

Carmilla kissed the top of her head and cradled her as tightly as her arm would allow. 

"I will never leave you," she breathed. "I promise."

They fell asleep just like that, Laura clutching a handful of Carmilla's shirt and curled up against her chest.

* * *

Christmas Eve. 24 hours later.

_A pool of blood._

_Glazed chocolate eyes._

_Stiff limbs._

Laura woke up unobtrusively. Her eyelids opened, but she did not jolt or jump.

Her heart rate slowed back down as she took in Carmilla's sleeping form beside her.

After several failed attempts to return to sleep, Laura slipped out of bed and padded across the carpet to the hall, and down the stairs.

The day of the catastrophic Christmas party was only two days gone and ever since, each time she fell asleep she'd have nightmares about the alternative, about the glaring "what if." 

She didn't see them going away for another few weeks at least. 

She knew about trauma. She knew about PTSD. But knowing what she was experiencing didn't do anything to erase that image from her mind.

Snow fell softly outside, illuminated by the icicle lights hanging from the side of the house. Laura watched from the large window in the living room, drawing her arms around herself tightly. She was only in a tank top tonight, and it was cold down there without Carmilla to keep her warm.

The TV has been left on in the corner. It was on mute for now. 

Earlier in the day, Danny and her father (having the height advantage) had strung Christmas lights on the walls in the hallways and all around the living room. Both these and the ones wrapped around the tree a few feet away cast a soft glow on her face and body. 

Just then, she felt warm arms wrapping around her from behind. Chocolate and copper and petrichor drowned her senses.

Carmilla whispered softly in her ear, her voice husky with drowsiness. "Couldn't sleep?"

Laura tilted her head a little to face her and placed her hands over Carmilla's. She didn't respond.

Carmilla looked out the window over Laura's shoulder. "Looking at the snow, huh?"

"Yeah," Laura murmured. She pulled Carmilla closer. "It's beautiful."

"Just like you," Carmilla whispered. Her breath tickled Laura's neck.

"You flatter me."

Carmilla nuzzled her neck with a quiet "Mm."

They stayed like that for a silent moment. 

Then, out of the corner of her eye, Carmilla noticed something.

"Laura," she said softly, untangling herself from Laura's body.

"What?"

She took Laura's hand and led her over to the TV, perching on the ottoman. "Look."

She leaned forward and unmuted it. 

"Breaking news this evening: An anonymous source has just released a comprehensive report detailing the many illegal business practices used by the drug giant Silas Industries to further their profits, namely human testing, as well as blackmail to keep company employees quiet."

Laura's hands began to tremble, at last from anticipation and not fear. Her legs felt weak and she sank down into the ottoman beside Carmilla.

"The FBI is working to verify the authenticity of some of the documents cited in the report, but we have been receiving steady updates of confirmation. Authorities have now seized the company and are working to shut it down. They have also arrested CEO Lilita Morgan, whose signature appears on a number of these documents, confirming that she was both aware and consenting to what went on. More on this story as it develops. And now for the weather-"

Carmilla muted it again.

She turned to Laura, who was staring at the TV with wide eyes.

"We did it," Laura mumbled, almost in disbelief. 

She turned to Carmilla and broke into a smile. A no-holds-barred, finally liberated, Laura Hollis sunbeam smile. "We did it."

She sprung up from the ottoman. "Carmilla," she cried. "We did it!"

Carmilla stood up as well and Laura immediately threw her arms around her and Carmilla's only thought was "my shoulder can go fuck itself" before she wrapped her arms around Laura's waist and hugged her as tightly as she could.

Laura was laughing and crying and Carmilla had never loved her so much.

_"You_  did it," Carmilla breathed. 

Laura didn't seem to hear her. She tucked her face against Carmilla's neck and Carmilla could feel the wetness of her tears and the heat of her breath against her skin as she spoke. "It's over," Laura said softly. "It's finally over."

Everything they went through, all the chaos and fear and heartbreak. All of it was over.

Carmilla's arms tightened around her and Laura cried for her, for the girls they couldn't save, for Elle, for all the girls they _had_  saved. All the poor, desperate souls that would never be subjected to such torture in the future.

And for Carmilla.

Everyone has a "great." A love that changes the course of their lives forever. You may stay with your great. You may not. But they are the stuff of legends, soulmate stories. 

Carmilla was Laura's great. 

And Laura was hers.

Carmilla looked over at the digital clock on the cable box. "Hey."

Laura pulled back to look at her. "Hey."

"It's midnight."

Laura cocked her head in confusion. "Huh?"

Carmilla grinned and leaned her forehead against Laura's. "Merry Christmas, Laura."

Laura closed her eyes, her expression one of pure euphoria. "Merry Christmas, Carm."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there you have it, folks.
> 
> Thank you all so much for sticking with me and supporting me for this past year-and-however-many-months. Thank you for your kudos and your kind comments. Thank you.
> 
> Carmilla is ending in less than a week (the movie notwithstanding, which I am obviously over the moon about as I'm sure all of us are). This little webseries as we know it is coming to a close after an absolutely incredible run. What better way to honor it by concluding this story with it?
> 
> Well, okay, full disclosure: I'm not done with this particular universe just yet. Yes, I still have the epilogue to upload, and I'll get it up before Act III drops for sure, but there are also a few scenes I wrote that never made it into the story (because they didn't fit the flow) that I will likely put together in a little multichap. There's no way it'll get done before Thursday, so there's that to look forward to after Carmilla ends as well.
> 
> Once again, thank you all so much for your support. This is the longest work I've ever completed, and I am so glad you all joined me on the incredible journey that writing it was.
> 
> Get ready for Act III, you guys. It's going to be one hell of a finale.
> 
> Lots of love. <3


	20. Epilogue: your heart is the only place that i call home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This last and final chapter's title came from "Heartlines" by Florence + The Machine. This song reads amazing with the chapter so if you want to, def listen to it as you go.

 

New Year's Eve. One year later.

 

"I can't believe you convinced me to do this."

Laura pulled her coat tightly around her, bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet. The frigid wind whipped around them and stung her cheeks a rosy red. "Come on, Carm! This is so exciting!"

"We passed up champagne and being with our friends for subzero temperatures and pushy crowds," Carmilla muttered, giving the drunken man who had just stumbled into her a look that could cause spontaneous combustion.

Laura pouted, playing with the lapels of Carmilla's coat. "Am I not enough for you?"

"On the contrary, you're entirely too much."

Laura laughed, her head tilting back a little. A small smile flitted across Carmilla's lips, though it disappeared quickly and was replaced by a faraway, almost worried sort of look.

Laura picked up on it immediately. "Hey," she said gently, taking Carmilla's hands in hers. "Something wrong?"

Carmilla fingered the object in her pocket with increasing trepidation, but tried to keep her voice steady. "I'm fine."

Laura's eyes searched hers. "No, you're not. What's bothering you?" 

When Carmilla didn't reply, her face grew downcast. "I thought you'd enjoy this. I guess I was wrong."

Carmilla sighed. She'd rather not have been there that night, it was true. She hadn't been planning on them even being here in the first place. But it wouldn't have mattered to her where they were were it not for what she was about to do. She'd assumed they would be in the comfort of their own home right now, curled up on their couch with their friends around them, where what she was about to do wouldn't become a public spectacle subject to the pressure of hundreds of eyes. But she figured that it couldn't be so bad if she was with Laura. And she wasn't going to wait any longer to do it, knowing it would only make Laura more upset. It was now or never.

"No, Laura, it's not that. I-"

"SIXTY!"

Laura squealed loudly as the one-minute countdown began, momentarily forgetting about her conversation with Carmilla, and she started chanting right along with the crowd.

"Laura-"

"FIFTY-FIVE!"

"Laura, stop. I really need to tell you something," Carmilla implored, spinning Laura back around to face her.

Laura frowned, reading the anxiety all over Carmilla's face. "Carm? You're starting to really freak me out. Is everything okay?"

Carmilla didn't reply, and instead swallowed hard, slowly removed a sharpie from her pocket, and focused on not screwing this up.

Laura looked at it quizzically. "What's that for?" she asked.

"THIRTY!"

Carmilla glanced up quickly. The ball was on its way down. There was no more time for stalling.

"Laura Hollis, I don't have enough time right now to say everything I want to say to you, but I've been in love with you since we met and we've been through so much together that I can no longer imagine having a life without you."

Laura's eyes filled with tears. "Carm–"

"TWENTY!"

"There's really no room for me to get down on my knees now–"

"FIFTEEN!"

"And I couldn't afford a ring–"

"TWELVE!"

"But I love you, Laura, and I hope it's enough."

"TEN!"

Tears poured down Laura's cheeks, and she was already nodding even before Carmilla said the words.

"NINE!"

"Laura Hollis."

"EIGHT!"

Carmilla's hands were trembling violently. She took a shaky breath to steady herself.

"SEVEN!"

"Oh, spit it out already, will you?" Laura hiccuped.

"SIX!"

Carmilla swallowed to gather her courage one final time.

"FIVE!"

"Will you marry me?"

"FOUR!"

Laura could barely speak for her tears and finally managed one little word. "Yes."

"THREE!"

Carmilla slipped a glove off of Laura's left hand.

"TWO!"

With the sharpie, she drew a circle around her ring finger—

"ONE!"

—and a bow on top.

"HAPPY NEW YEAR!"

And as the clock struck midnight, Carmilla crashed her lips onto Laura's and wrapped her arms around her waist. 

Laura lifted her hands (one bare, one gloved) to hold Carmilla's cheeks and deepened the kiss. When they finally broke apart, Laura giggled and extended her hand out in front of her to look at her ring, eyes filled with wonder. "I love it," she whispered, looking up at Carmilla. She noticed the look of uncertainty on Carmilla's face and said with more conviction, "I mean it."

Finally, Carmilla smiled, entirely free of nerves. She bent her head down and touched her forehead to Laura's.

"I love you," she murmured. "I mean it."

Laura leaned up and kissed her again, softly this time.

Throughout the entire square, blue and white confetti fluttered down from the sky like snow and alighted on hats and coats, and people all around them were cheering and screaming and kissing as well, and the ever-bright lights of Times Square shone brightly on these people, these lives, that were only a tiny part of this city of strangers and dreamers and lovers.

 

A blonde-haired woman stood in a side street, holding a photograph of a girl walking down the sidewalk. A girl with honey hair and hazel eyes, a girl who clearly knew she was being followed. 

The woman inhaled, breathing in the scents of the city she'd once craved to smell again. A finger rose to her neck to touch the locket hanging around it. Hidden inside was a single picture of a tiny baby girl.

With hazel eyes.

Rosemary Greene looked down at the photo, and then up to the same girl, kissing a gorgeous brunette beauty in the crowd.

"Laura," she whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :))))))))))
> 
> The previous chapter's note says it all. Thank you for reading. <3
> 
> As you can probably tell from the way this ended, I'm leaving a tiny, tiny cliffhanger just in case I want to return to this universe. If I do, it won't be a multichap; probs just a oneshot. But yeah. I'm not ready to let go just yet.


End file.
